Chapter Eleven: Afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today
Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

INXS

…

Izzie drew in a deep breath before opening the door to the café where Hannah would already be waiting. It wasn't that she didn't want to see her; she was just hoped that eighteen years wouldn't be too much. But Hannah had sounded so happy to speak to her on the phone, so she was hopeful.

It didn't take her very long to find her; it surprised Izzie just how much Hannah looked like Sophie and Lydia. And like herself. "Hannah?" she said, and the young woman looked up at her and smiled and stood.

"Do you think it would be okay if… I gave you a hug?" Hannah asked timidly, and an instant later, she was in Izzie's arms.

Izzie recalled the first and last time she had ever held her daughter this close. When she had let her go, she didn't know if she would ever see her again; now, however, eighteen years of wishing and hoping had finally become a reality. "I have missed you so much," she whispered as a tear escaped down her cheek.

"I've missed you, too," Hannah replied, wiping her own tears away as they finally pulled apart.

"So, are you maneuvering your way around Seattle all right?" Izzie wondered, striking up a conversation. When she had returned Hannah's phone call two weeks ago, she wasn't sure what to expect. However, she immediately discovered that Hannah was intelligent, witty, and very easy to talk to. She asked if it would be all right for the two of them to meet since she would be in Seattle for a few days, but that she completely understood if Izzie preferred not to. The latter, however, was more than willing to accept the proposal; finally, she felt that the missing piece of her heart was being returned.

"I love Seattle, even the rain. The reason I'm here—well, besides to see you, of course—is to tour the University of Washington. I'm thinking of attending," Hannah explained cheerfully.

"So, you might be moving to Seattle, then?" she wondered excitedly, and Hannah nodded. "That's great; I'm really glad to hear that. Why don't you tell me about yourself, Hannah? What are your parents like? What kinds of things do you like to do?"

As Hannah began detailing her life, Izzie listened intently to each word. And, with every sentence Hannah spoke, she was more and more convinced that she had made the right choice. After leaving Santa Barbara when Hannah was six, she and her parents moved to Chicago for her father's work. She was at the top of her class and was a cheerleader; she also loved writing and shopping and horseback riding and planned on majoring in journalism.

"You were happy, then? I always prayed that you were happy."

Hannah nodded. "My parents love me very much; they're amazing," she assured her. "But… as great as they are, I never could help but wonder about you. It wasn't like you were a big mystery or anything; I've always known that I was adopted, and my parents told me everything they could about you. They told me that you were young when you had me and knew that you couldn't give me what I deserved, so you made sure that I was with people who could. They always said how much you loved me and how thankful they were to you."

Tears were once again falling down Izzie's cheeks. The one thing she had requested of them was to tell the little girl that she had loved her; she couldn't have lived with the thought that Hannah didn't know that. "I'm thankful to them, too. For loving you as much as I do."

"What about you, Izzie? What's your life like?"

"I've got a pretty amazing life, too," she smiled. "I actually went to medical school but decided it wasn't for me, so I went back and got my degree in psychology and did children's grief counseling for a while. I'm married to a wonderful man named Alex Karev, and we've got two-year-old twin girls named Lydia and Sophie. Would you like to see a picture of them?" she offered, and Hannah nodded eagerly.

"They're so cute!" Hannah beamed, looking at their identical cherubic faces.

"I have one with the girls and Alex somewhere," she offered, searching through her bag. However, as Izzie was pulling out the photograph, another one slipped out. Gingerly, Hannah picked it up and stared for a moment at the image of her six-year-old self. "You have a picture of me."

"Your mom had it sent through the adoption agency," Izzie explained, truly touched by the love that was evident in Hannah's expression as she stared down at the photograph. "When the girls were born, all I could think of was how much they looked like you did."

"We look like you," Hannah remarked. "My mom always said how much I looked like you—how beautiful you were, inside and out." She paused and then wondered, "Do you think that someday, it would be all right for me to meet Lydia and Sophie? I've never had any siblings, and now I find out that I have two little sisters. When they're older, I mean. Do you think that would be okay?"

"I bet they'd really like that," Izzie answered as the waitress came to take their order. "I'll have a non-fat latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon."

"Seriously? That's what I always order." Hannah gasped, a bit in disbelief. Then a smile crossed her lips as she commented, "You haven't asked yet, but I'm sure you're wondering how I found you so quickly."

Izzie nodded; the thought had certainly crossed her mind. In truth, she had also thought of looking for Hannah and hoped that perhaps she was going to be looking for her, too, but she never expected a telephone call the day Hannah turned eighteen.

"Well, I knew that the adoption agency was in Seattle, so I assumed that you lived somewhere nearby. Or hoped. Anyway, when I was fifteen, my dad had a business trip to Seattle, so I convinced him to make it a family thing. I guess I just wanted to feel close to you. One morning I was reading the newspaper, and I came across an article on the importance of interactive parental roles in childhood development. And I was just… intrigued by the passion behind the writer's words. You can imagine what was going through my mind when I saw that it had been written by an 'Isobel Stevens.' I thought that maybe it was a big coincidence, but there was a photograph next to the article… and it was almost like looking into a mirror. And I just knew."

Izzie could only gasp as she tried to think of something to say. "So, you've known where I was for three years?"

Hannah nodded, took a sip of her latte, and continued. "I showed the article to my parents, and I really wanted to go out and find you. I mean, it said that you were engaged to Dr. Alex Karev and he worked at Seattle Grace Hospital; that was enough information. I wanted to go looking for you, Izzie. But then I realized that… you had a life. You had things going on that maybe I wouldn't fit into. I knew that you wouldn't be expecting me to come looking for you, so I waited, but when I finally turned eighteen, I couldn't wait anymore. I just wanted to talk to you… to hear your voice." She smiled and added, "And to say thank you."

Izzie was in tears again as she took Hannah's hand. "I just want you to know that giving you up was the hardest decision that I've ever had to make. But it was the only way, Hannah. It was the only way for you to have the kind of life I wanted for you. But I've always loved you, and I thought about you every day."

"That's good to hear 'cause I thought about you, too. I framed the article with your picture and put it next to my bed. And I thought, 'I want to be like her. I want to say important things and help other people to see what really matters.' That's when I decided to become a journalist." Suddenly she looked at her watch and sighed disappointedly. "I hate to say it, but I really should get going now."

"You're leaving so soon?"

"My flight leaves in about two hours. I have to get back to Chicago. Christmas and stuff." However, she promised, "But I'll come back as soon as I can. Then you can meet Scott."

"Scott?"

"Don't freak out, okay? He's my fiancé. I know you probably think I'm way too young, and believe me, I've had lectures from everyone I know. But when you meet him, you'll see why I know we're going to make it; even my mom and dad are convinced, so that's saying a lot. Which also leads me to another thing I've been meaning to ask you. Will you come to my wedding, Izzie? I really, really would love it if you could be there."

"I'd love that, too, Hannah," Izzie assured her. It was almost too much to think that the tiny baby she'd once held close to her heart would be getting married. In a way, it was hard to face the realization of how much she had missed, but at the same time, she was so glad to be able to be welcomed into Hannah's life with open arms.

The young woman's face lit up in a smile. Happily, she began to quickly rattle off details. "It'll be in Seattle in June. Most of Scott's family lives here anyway, which is another reason I'm looking at UW. I'll send you an invitation and let you know all the details when I finally get things finalized." Then with a longing sigh, she hugged Izzie tightly, as though she never wanted to let go. "I'll see you as soon as I can. I'm so glad we did this. You're everything I hoped you'd be, and more. Give Lydia and Sophie a kiss for me."

It was so hard for Izzie to watch Hannah walk away when just an instant before, she had been in her arms. But even so, she couldn't help but smile. Hannah had grown up to be everything Izzie could have ever hoped—kind, intelligent, and happy. And even though they were apart again, Izzie didn't have to wonder if there would be a "next time" for them.

…

For a few moments, all the little girl could do was stare at the headstone that bore the name of the person she loved yet had never really known. Elena had asked to come to the cemetery; she realized that she hadn't been since they had moved to Seattle, and with Christmas coming up, it was something that she needed to do. Usually, she just sat and talked to Leni, telling her everything that was going on in her life. But at that moment, she found herself at a loss for words. So instead, she simply placed a single red rose atop the freshly fallen snow and said nothing.

"Elle, are you all right?" Addison wondered as she stood off to the side.

Finally, she turned around and looked at Addison with sad eyes. "Mommy, I don't know what to say to her."

"Just tell her anything. Tell her about how we moved to Seattle and your new school and how you were amazing at your ballet recital. Anything you want to tell her, Sweetie."

"Do you really think she can even hear me?"

Addison walked over to where Elena stood and knelt until she was eye-level with her daughter. "Yes, I do. Just because someone you love has died doesn't mean you can't still talk to them, okay? I believe that Leni can hear you from Heaven, and if you listen carefully, maybe you'll be able to hear her, too."

"Like a voice?" she wondered.

"In here," Addison smiled, taking Elena's tiny hand and placing it over her heart.

"Like a feeling."

Addison nodded. "Yes, like a feeling. I know that Leni loves you so much that you'll be able to feel her love even if she's in Heaven."

Elena sighed and admitted, "I just wish I could see her one more time so I could tell her that I love her. So that I'll know she really hears me."

"Me, too, Sweetheart," she whispered, taking the child into her embrace. "Me, too."