Chapter Sixteen: Breathe (2 a.m.)

'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass
Glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe
Just breathe

Anna Nalick

…

"There you are," Preston said upon discovering Cristina sitting in the empty surgical gallery. The past few days had revolved around watching their baby get stuck by needles and being sedated while huge machines took pictures of her insides. It was possibly the most difficult part of being a doctor—standing by helpless, unable to do what years of schooling and training had given them the capabilities to do.

"I just needed to go somewhere quiet for a minute," she sighed, and Preston nodded and sat down beside her. "I saw that you're scheduled for a CABG at two."

"I've already put your name down on the board," he smiled. Most couples he knew bonded over moonlight walks or candlelit dinners. But for Cristina and himself, it was surgery. Even their very first date had come to involve a surgery. Because, in the OR, the world seemed to disappear, leaving only them, even if only for a moment. And that moment was theirs alone.

"Thanks."

He smiled. "You're welcome." Even after all their years together, Cristina still had trouble saying what she felt. But he had come to learn that if he waited long enough, she would open up. Of course, he already knew what was on her mind; after all, Lillian's test results had been troubling him, too. However, when she leaned into him and put her head on his shoulder, he knew that she would soon start to pour her heart out. And, of course, he would be right there to listen and reassure her.

With a heavy sigh, Cristina confessed, "I never thought it would be one of our kids, you know? We see this kind of thing all the time, but it's always other people's kids… not ours. I mean, there's no history of this in either of our families; the boys never even get colds."

He wrapped his arm around her shoulder reassuringly. There was a certain, inevitable feeling of invincibility that came with being a surgeon. It was strange because it would seem as though dealing with death every day would force them to face their own mortality; however, the fact that it was always someone else gave them a sense that it couldn't ever be them. He wanted to promise that it would all be okay, but he was just as unsure and troubled as she was. "Deep breaths," he whispered, the only advice he could offer at the moment.

…

"Come on, Elle; it's not that bad," Addison attempted to coax the six-year-old out from under the exam table. Elena was usually very compliant—except when it came to needles. She also knew that Elena's mind probably would have been more at ease had she been doing the procedure, but Addison never could bear the thought of hurting her child, even with something as small as drawing her blood.

"I feel better now, Mommy. I really do," she insisted, followed by a hacking cough that made even Addison wince; before they had left for the hospital, Elena had also been running fever.

"No, you don't, Elena Amélie; in case you've forgotten, I did go to medical school. Please come out, Sweetheart. I have to get some tests of my own done today—a mammogram and blood tests, to be exact. I'll even go first to show you that it isn't bad," she offered, and Elena poked her head out from under the table.

With a slightly interested look, she questioned, "You're gonna draw your own blood?"

However, Addison stood and whispered something to a passing nurse. Then she turned to Elena and smiled, "No, your dad is going to do it."

"You paged? Is everything okay?" Derek asked as he arrived only moments later. When he spotted Elena under the table, he wondered, "What's going on?"

Handing him a pair of gloves, she replied, "You're going to take a blood sample."

"From Elle?"

But she grinned and shook her head. "No, from me. I want to show Elle that it doesn't hurt because I need to get a sample from her. She's been coming down with something for a few weeks now, and it hasn't gotten better. So… that means I need to figure out what it is to know how to fix it," she explained, looking straight at Elena as she spoke the last sentence.

In truth, she knew that Elena was very susceptible to all kinds of things; Leni had been a very ill child. The thought of something being really wrong with her daughter terrified Addison, and if it was something, she wanted to catch it early. Elena hated undergoing the whole testing process every time she had more than just a cold, but Addison was determined to be safe instead of sorry.

"All right," he agreed, putting on the gloves. "Come get a closer look at this, Princess. There's nothing to be afraid of." He then began his step-by-step explanation of what was happening, as Elena watched wide-eyed and eager to learn. "This is called a tourniquet. You tie it around the patient's arm just like this, and it makes the vein sort of stick out so that it's easier to find. See? There it is."

"Whoa, that's cool. I didn't know that happened. Usually when the nurse takes my blood, I keep my eyes closed," she told him, and he smiled.

"Next, you have to sterilize the area by wiping it with an alcohol swab. And this," he said, holding up the tiny tube, "is called a vacutainer. The blood is going to go from her arm into this tube."

Elena tightly took hold to her mother's free hand and winced empathetically as Derek stuck the needle into her arm. However, when she noticed that her mother hadn't so much as flinched, she looked at Addison and smiled. "Good job, Daddy. And Mommy, you're very brave. Does it hurt, even a little?"

But as Derek taped a piece of cotton gauze to her arm, Addison smiled and revealed, "Hardly even a pinch. When your dad and I were in medical school, he couldn't do this right for anything, so we practiced for weeks until he got it." She paused briefly, looked Derek in the eye, and said in mock seriousness, "The things I did for you, Derek Shepherd. I must have looked like a junkie half the time."

"It was all for the better good," he winked. In a lot of ways, the relationship that he had with Addison now was a lot like the one they'd had in medical school, minus the romance. It was definitely nice to be able to be friends with her again because they'd had so many good memories over the years that were just too hard to forget.

"Okay, Sweetie, it's your turn," Addison told Elena. "Daddy will do it, okay?"

"All right," she finally agreed, feeling much braver now. As she took a seat in the chair where her mother had been sitting only a moment ago, she took a deep breath and held out her arm.

"And we're done," Derek said a moment later. "I'm proud of you, Princess. If your mom says it's all right, I think you deserve a treat for being such a brave girl."

They both looked at Addison, who couldn't help but say yes. At the same time, her pager went off, and Derek volunteered to keep Elena with him until she got back. As she walked out the door, she added, "Nothing too big; I don't want to spoil her lunch because she hasn't been eating very well."

"She worries so much," Elena remarked when her mother had gone. "Really, I'm okay."

Derek sighed and scooped Elena up into his arms. "She worries because she loves you."

"But you love me, too, and you don't have me poked with needles every single time I cough," the little girl remarked. "I know Leni was sick a lot, but it doesn't mean I am, too. I've never even had the flu before, and I know I had surgeries when I was a baby, but that isn't even a problem anymore."

"Part of being a parent is wanting to keep your kid safe from everything. If it was up to your mom and me, nothing bad would ever happen to you," he told her as they walked down the hall. "But the thing is that, no matter how much we want to keep you save, eventually there'll come a time when we can't. So for now, while we can, we will. Make sense?"

Elena nodded and rested her head on her father's shoulder. "It does," she whispered.

…

"You paged?" Addison questioned as she met Alex in Radiology.

"What do you see?" he asked, pointing to a CT scan.

Addison leaned in and stared at it for a moment. However, she soon shook her head and answered, "I don't see anything."

"What about this one?" he questioned, pointing to another scan.

But it was just as clean as the first. "Karev, I don't see anything on either of these," she told him, beginning to grow exasperated with the questions that were seemingly getting them nowhere.

"Me either," he said, but he was grinning ear to ear. "These are Lillian Burke's scans. They're clean; there's no tumor… nothing at all. She's fine."

"You should let Cristina and Preston know right away, then," Addison told him, now smiling as well. "There's nothing like being able to tell parents that their child is going to be all right."

A few moments later, Cristina and Preston were both making their way to the first floor. Both knew that in a matter of moments, their lives were going to change, one way or another. But when Cristina's eyes met Alex's smiling face, she was truly able to breathe for the first time in days.

"Are you smiling for the reason I want you to be smiling?" she questioned shakily, and when he nodded, she threw her arms around his shoulders and embraced him in a very un-Christina-like manner. "So, she's really okay?" she questioned in disbelief.

"Yeah, she's a perfectly healthy little girl. I don't know what I felt, but whatever it was isn't what I thought. You can look at the scans for yourself if you want," Alex confirmed.

Cristina had now moved to her husband's embrace. "She's okay," she whispered, tears of relief beginning to flow down her cheeks.

"She's okay," Preston repeated softly in confirmation.

…

"My poor baby," Addison said laughingly when she discovered Elena curled up in a chair, half-asleep, being watched over by Nurse Debbie at the Nurses' Station. "Come on, Sweetheart; let's go get the test results, and then it's home and straight to bed."

"Can I sleep with you tonight, Mommy?" she wondered, yawning as she took her mother by the hand.

"Of course you can," she agreed. Feeling Elena's forehead, she remarked, "You still have a little fever, but it's much better than this morning. How are you feeling? The truth."

"My head hurts a little and my throat is kind of scratchy, but mostly, I'm just sleepy," the little girl answered, and Addison knew that Elle would probably be asleep even before they made it home.

"I need the labs for 'Montgomery, Addison' and 'Montgomery-Shepherd, Elena,' please," she requested a few moments later and took the two folders that were handed to her. "Now, let's see what's been going on with us," she smiled and opened up the first folder. However, the smile quickly faded from her face as she reflexively dropped it onto the ground as though it had suddenly caught fire. And, in a figurative sort of way, it had.

…

I know I must be killin' you guys with the cliffhangers. But that's half the fun, right?