Chapter Nineteen: Never Leave Your Heart Alone

Run for shelter
An umbrella fights the rain but not the wind
And I'd be silly to start preaching
'Cause I don't know which point to make
The moral to the story goes
Never leave your heart
In a box
Locked up
With cold, cold ice
Never leave your heart
Never leave your heart alone

Butterfly Boucher

…

"Elena, what are you doing up there? We're gonna be late!" Addison called up to her daughter from the bottom of the stairs. But suddenly, a wave of nausea overcame her, and she had to sit down for a moment to regain her composure. It was so hard to act normally despite the way she was feeling. But she knew that Elena was noticing that things were different; she would have to tell her soon.

"Sorry, I couldn't find my other shoe," the little girl explained, hurrying downstairs. "Are you okay? I thought your stomach flu was gone."

Addison nodded and put on her best smile. "I guess I'm just still a little tired, but it's nothing to worry about."

"All right," she replied in a tone that said she didn't believe a word of it. "And Meredith is coming to pick me up from school today?"

"And she will drop you off at ballet, then your dad will pick you up afterward and bring you here," Addison finished as she tucked a strand of stray hair behind Elena's ear. "Perfect. How in the world did I ever get such an amazing daughter? How did I get so lucky?"

But instead of quipping back some playful remark, Elena just looked her mother in the eye and wrapped her arms around Addison's neck. "I love you, Mommy," she whispered, nearly bringing Addison to tears. She was sure it was just her imagination, but it almost sounded like a good-bye of sorts.

"I love you, too, Sweetheart," she managed to answer, never wanting to let Elena out of her arms. And despite everything Addison was going through—and everything that was to come—her only solace was that it wasn't Elena who was sick. She knew that it was probably a little bit selfish, but the thought of losing another child was just too much to deal with. And Addison knew that although it would cause Elena pain if anything had happened to her, she would be looked after; she would have a mother in Meredith.

…

"Meredith, are you even listening to me?" Cristina demanded, poking her friend with the handle of a plastic spoon as they sat outside for lunch that afternoon.

"Ow," she responded suddenly, rubbing her arm. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"God, you're worse than Aaron when cartoons are on, and that's just sad. You've been acting weird all week; what's wrong?"

Meredith sighed. Alex's words were still haunting her, and she was terrified. Never before in their relationship had something like this come up. She was ready to face a lot of things, but infidelity wasn't one of them. She knew what it did to families, and she couldn't bear the thought of her own children suffering through what she once had. "What would you do if you thought Burke was cheating on you?"

Cristina looked at her skeptically and wondered, "Where are we going with this conversation, Mer?"

"Just a question."

After pausing to take a bite of her salad, she replied, "He wouldn't."

"Okay, but what if you thought he was?"

"But he wouldn't," she again insisted.

"We're being hypothetical here," Meredith said in exasperation. "Just pretend you're in some alternate universe where it was a possibility. What would you do?"

Cristina paused thoughtfully for a moment before she answered. "Well, first, I'd confront him about it, and if it was true, I'd kick his ass. Then I'd find out who he was cheating with, and go kick her ass, too."

"What are we talking about?" Alex wondered as he sat down to join them.

"What I would do to Burke and his hypothetical mistress," Cristina smirked.

Alex grinned as he answered without hesitation, "Oh, you'd definitely kick both their asses, Yang."

For the first time in days, Meredith was able to laugh. For just a second, she didn't feel like the weight of the entire world was on her shoulders. But only for a second.

"So, how are you holding up, Mer? Are you okay?" he wondered.

But before she could answer, Cristina gave them both puzzled looks and questioned, "What is he talking about?" After a pause, she demanded, "You told something to Evil Spawn that you didn't even tell me? Seriously, what is the world coming to? Well, now you have to tell me, too."

Meredith tried to answer, but even saying those words was too painful. When she looked over at Alex, he could see it in her eyes and answered for her.

"She thinks that Derek might be having an affair," he answered, and it truly hurt to see Meredith wince slightly as he spoke. Reassuringly, he grabbed her hand; after all, she was like a sister to him—even Cristina was—and he would have done anything to protect them.

"Oh, my God. Seriously? Why do you think that, Mer? And who with?" she questioned, leaning a little bit closer.

"Alex saw him with Addison in a conference room the other day," she blurted out and suddenly found herself unable to stop speaking. "He said they weren't doing anything really inappropriate, but it just looked like something was going on. And, you know, I get that they're friends and everything; I mean, Addison and I are friends, too. But he's been working nights a lot lately, and Addison has been sending Elle to us a lot lately, and it's just… it's not like either of them. And it's freaking me out."

"Meredith…" Cristina started to say but paused when she realized that she didn't know what to say to make it better.

"You need to talk to him. You can't keep torturing yourself like this; it's better to just know, right?" Alex tried to reason.

But she shrugged. "Not if the answer is yes." Her pager went off an instant later, saving them from the awkward silence that was inevitable. However, as she started to walk away, she couldn't help but overhear her friends whispering in shocked tones.

"I can't believe McDreamy is a McCheater. I definitely didn't see that one coming," Cristina said in disbelief.

"This is gonna kill Meredith," Alex agreed.

Meredith, however, took a deep breath and did her best not to lose her composure. There were patients to see, and it was her job and her responsibility to take care of them despite her own issues. She could fall apart as soon as she walked out the doors of Seattle Grace, but for now, she had to be brave. For now, she had to be the person to whom her patients could look for answers. Because even if she didn't have any for herself, she would have theirs.

…

"Meredith!" Elena said the moment she saw her stepmother and ran to her, wrapping her arms around her waist as though it had been months instead of just a day since she had seen her.

Meredith could sense that something about this hug was different; it was almost as though Elena was clinging to her to keep from getting pulled away by some unseen force. "Are you okay, Sweetie?" she wondered when she saw the look on Elena's face.

"I'm just glad you're here," she whispered, her delicate little hands still clinging to Meredith's jacket.

Just then, it hit Meredith that losing Elena would be just as hard as losing Derek. Elena, like Hayden and Aida, was her daughter; Elena was part of her heart. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind until this very moment that, God forbid, should she and Derek end, Elena wouldn't be tied to her anymore. In her heart, however, Elena would always be her oldest little girl; nothing could ever change that.

"Dr. Shepherd," Elena's teacher, Kaya Meyer, smiled as she approached them.

She and Meredith had met a few times already at Elena's various school functions, and Elena always raved about how wonderful she was. "Ms. Meyer, it's nice to see you again."

"Elle, do you think it would be okay if I talk to your stepmother alone for just a minute?" she asked sweetly, putting a reassuring hand on the little girl's shoulder and smiling. "I bet William would love it if you waited with him for his father to pick him up."

"Okay," she agreed, lingering a second longer before she walked over to her friend.

"Is everything all right with Elle?" Meredith wondered, sure that her teacher had probably noticed her odd demeanor as well.

"I'm concerned about her," she answered. "I know she hasn't been feeling very well for the past few weeks, so at first I attributed her behavior to that, but she's obviously well now, yet she's still acting… How can I put this? Withdrawn, I guess. Apprehensive, worried, anxious. Usually, Elena is very involved with her classmates—she's easily a favorite and a leader among them. But lately, she hasn't been herself at all. She only really speaks to William, if even he. I asked her about it today because I truly am concerned, and she just said that she feels like something bad is going to happen, but she couldn't explain what or why she felt that way," Kaya replied and could see the genuine concern in Meredith's eyes. "Forgive me because I don't mean to pry, but is everything all right at home? I know that Elena has gone through a lot of changes this year, but she's always seemed to handle everything so well. I hope you'll forgive me for being a bit meddlesome, but I only want to assure that Elena is all right."

Meredith smiled. "I'll have a talk with her about it. She hasn't mentioned anything to anyone, but I'll talk to her. Thank you for your concern; I appreciate you looking out for her."

Kaya nodded and replied, "Your little girl is a very special, very amazing child. She's quite a gift, and I have a feeling that big things are in store for her. Take care."

"You, too," Meredith waved as she went to meet Elena, who was now standing by a group of little girls now that William had gone. "Ready to go to ballet?" she wondered, taking Elena's hand into her own. Kaya had been right; Elena definitely was a gift.

As soon as they got into Meredith's car, Elena once again took hold of her stepmother's hand. It was as though she never wanted to let go.

"Are you okay, Elle? I know I just asked you, but really, are you okay? Did something happen that you need to talk to someone about? Just between the two of us? You know you can tell me anything, Sweetheart," Meredith urged and looked into Elena's big green eyes, which were looking thoughtfully back at her.

Finally, she answered in a tiny voice, "I just feel like something bad is going to happen."

"Something like what, Baby? What makes you think that?"

Then Elena confided, "The other day, I had a dream about Leni. She told me that…she said that I needed to be strong and that everything happens for a reason. Do you believe that, Meredith?"

She nodded. "Yes, I do." She then wondered, "Did Leni say anything else?"

"No," the little girl shook her head. "But I've dreamt of her before, and she keeps talking about a storm. It'll all be okay, won't it, Meredith?"

"I hope so, Sweetheart," she whispered, giving Elena's hand a gently squeeze. "But no matter what, I will always be here for you, and I'll always love you. Okay? Nothing that happens could ever make me quit loving you. Remember that."

"I'll remember."

…

Derek stood in the lobby of the dance studio with all the other parents, watching their little girls drift gracefully across the floor in perfectly timed movements. Even without his parental bias, it was easy to see that Elena was the best; she moved as elegantly as a swan in flight, her petite, delicate features making every movement seem flawless. She looked so peaceful, so carefree.

Finally, the class was over, and she smiled when she saw him. "Did you see me dance, Daddy?"

He scooped her up into his arms and held her tightly. "I did. You were brilliant," he whispered, and she smiled. "Do you have all your things?"

"Everything is in my bag," she answered, acknowledging the backpack on her shoulder. "C'mon, we should hurry home. I think it's gonna rain; the sky was looking pretty gross earlier."

"Okay," he smiled, helping her put on her jacket. "Nothing's worse than freezing rain on someone who's trying to get herself all better," he said with a wink. "You aren't too tired, are you? Technically, you really shouldn't be coming to ballet for another few weeks."

"I'm not tired, Daddy," she assured him with the smile he adored so much. He would have done anything in his power to keep that smile on her face forever. Unfortunately, however, he knew that not everything was in his hands. Yet at the same time, he found it ironic that his whole world was in his arms.

In a few minutes, they were greeted by Addison who, despite the absolute pain and illness that she must have been feeling, smiled warmly. "I have a surprise for you," she told the little girl, who insisted on knowing what it was. "Tonight, we're going to bake cookies," she said and watched Elena's face light up. "Well, actually, you're going to bake cookies, and I'm going to stir things, but whatever. Why don't you go get changed, and then we'll start, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy!" she agreed happily before turning to her father. "Tomorrow night when I go to your house, I'll bring some for you and Meredith and Hayden and Aida, if Meredith lets," she promised as she kissed him on the cheek.

"All right, Princess," he laughed and watched her run quickly upstairs. "Are you feeling all right? Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked Addison, just like he did every day.

And just like every day, her answer was the same. "I'm fine. But thank you."

"Call if you need anything, and I'll be here," he told her before he left, and she nodded.

…

When Derek arrived at his own house, it was dark and quiet. It was late, and he knew that Aida and Hayden were undoubtedly asleep by now. He knew that he hadn't been there as much as he should have lately, and each night that he didn't tuck them into bed or read them a bedtime story weighed a little more on his soul. Eventually, he would be able to find a balance, he knew, but right now, it was just too much.

He walked upstairs, careful not to make too much noise, and went into each of their rooms. Little Aida Grace looked just like a doll as she lay there in her crib, her tiny little chest moving ever so subtly up and down. She was already five months old; where in the world had the time gone? But every day, he noticed, that she looked more and more like her mother, especially when she laughed. And these days, she found almost everything hilarious.

Next, he crept quietly into Hayden's bedroom. As usual, toys were strewn all over the floor, and the moon-shaped nightlight illuminated the room. Derek sat down on the floor next to Hayden's bed and watched his son sleeping for a moment. His son. It brought a smile to his face that after so many years of being completely surrounded by women, there was another guy around the house.

Finally he made his way to his own bedroom. He expected Meredith to be asleep as well and was surprised when he discovered that she was standing at the window, her back turned to the doorway. "Hey, you're still up," he said in little more than a whisper.

However, when she turned to look at him, her face was pink and tear-stained. "Derek, there's something that I need to ask you, and I want you to be completely honest with me."

"Okay," he quickly agreed, desperately wondering what was troubling her so much. It broke his heart to see her this way.

She looked him straight in the eye as she asked with a quivering voice, "Are you having an affair?"

…

Just wanted to give you guys a heads-up that I'll be pretty busy the next two weeks because of finals (ah, the joys of a future doctor), but I'll do my best to update at least once during that time. However, after December 16th, I'll be back and ready to write! As always, thanks for all your support! You guys are the best!