Sitting On The Baby By HPOD sufferer
Date: Thursday, 14th June, 9:00PM
Rating: K+ (Scary and Supernatural themes may scare young children, includes character death), sexual implications (very minor)
Summary: Sirius bounded into the compartment, making to sink into the seat next to Lily. The seat in which a sleeping baby...well, slept. Eyes popping, James grabbed his friend's wrists, stopping him from sitting. Sirius Black was frozen in a strange, half-sitting, half-standing position. Lily grabbed the baby quickly, and James released his friend. "You know," said Lily " Baby sitting doesn't usually consist of actually sitting on the baby."
A baby has appeared. Where from? Why? Who does the baby belong to? Harry travels to Marauder Era. AS A BABY! Something went seriously wrong on that Halloween night.
Chapter 17: Pink Punks and Plants
The air I breathe is hot and wet,
Something big is happened, although not yet
All I see puts me further away into debt,
But this is a memory I don't want to forget.
Something I do really fear however,
Is that you'll forget me… forever.
Today is a Tuesday.
A very hot, humid and harassingly wonderful Tuesday and most irritating of all, James is stuck in a green house which is even hotter, wetter and more harassing. Obviously though, the harassing was not just the weather's fault (or the fact that he is stuck inside with a tempting blue sky pressing heavily overhead) but the fact that he has to juggle a giant Venus fly trap, a baby and small hexes coming his way from where a group of five fellow Slytherins stand. Fellows being a loose term for enemies.
Harry continued to wail as James jumped out of the way of a "Constipere!" heading his way. Instead, it hit Peter right in the backside. The boy leaned over, clutching his stomach. James grimaced in sympathy, and waved down the professor.
"The Slytherins," he said simply, and the teacher nodded, and excused Peter from class. James sighed- he was the last one left.
With grim determination to survive the class he turned back to the plant he was tending to.
The giant Venus flytrap was quite true to its name. It looked like a large Venus flytrap, it's head large enough to swallow a dog. It had only one trap, which raised up from a bed of green furling leaves like a monstrous cage, snapping at thin air every so often and snarling all the while. Originating from deep within the forests of the Amazon, it is unknown to muggles (which would probably get eaten by it). Good thing too, because some are fabled to be big enough to eat a truck. In the wild these lovely (did I say lovely?- I meant evil, stinky blood-sucking felons) species feast on monkeys and large tropical birds that fly past.
James's lip curled. His had a colourful display of spikes on it ("the mating season, pupils!") which he had to clean.
It wasn't something he was looking forward to, although he wouldn't admit it to anyone but his closest friends.
He picked up a sponge, and held it where the plant could see it.
He dipped it into a bucket of pre-made soapy water (lavender, what else?) and lifted the dripping item.
"The name's Potter, James Potter," he said in his best James Bond voice (a concept Lily introduced him to on Sunday evening). "I don't like you and you don't like me."
The plant growled, baring its fangs in a threatening way.
James pushed his glasses up his nose. "You talking to me!"
He dived towards the stem, rubbing fiercely, ducking the gnashing jaws as they attempted to either devour him or at least make some damage. Soon the swaying herb was covered in bubbles, and appeared to look more like a lilac French poodle than an evil carnivorous plant from South America (very dangerous place, you know) and it sat in its pot, quiet and defeated. "See?" James panted. "That wasn't..." he gasped, "...so bad, was it?"
The plant snarled in a half-hearted way.
James picked up the list of things he had to do.
How to care for your Venus flytrap
James laughed.
A Venus Flytrap is a wonderful plant to have in your home. It is exotic and interesting, plus a natural way of insect, cat, dog and childrencontrol. For maximum effect, this plant requires a small amount of care.
REPOT your plant every three months, or as often as is necessary.
WATER your flytrap every 1-3 days, depending on size and climate.
CLEAN your flytrap every week or so. Your plant will drop leaves every so often, and these may or may not be good for the soil in their pot.
A note from the teacher was written here.
Giant flytraps will need vigorous scrubbing and polishing once a month to care for their fragile 'skins.'
James stared at the note with disgust. He had to polish it!
Shrugging, he went to the front of the class room to collect some POLLY'S PERFECT PLANT POLISH (try saying that five times in a row, very fast).
Snape, who was across the room sniggered. Harry had been left behind.
Harry looked at the plant. The plant ignored him. Harry waved, and still it ignored him. Harry shuffled across the bench, sitting right beside the plant. Its head swung around to watch the baby's progress. Harry smiled and stopped next to the pot.
Snape smiled a cruel smile, elbowing his friends. The whole group of Slytherins ignored their plants, watching what the baby would do next.
Harry patted the plant as if it were some demented dog, and then slung his arm around it in what he thought was a comforting way.
The plant stared (if that was possible- it doesn't have eyes) at Harry, highly offended by this treatment. Harry bit his lip: maybe this wasn't such a good idea. But it was so pretty! He would grin at it, he decided, as everybody likes grins, and knows that a grin is a friendly gesture.
Harry didn't reckon on the fact that the plant was not technically a 'body'.
Snape glanced over to where James was- James had disappeared off to one of the other green houses to get some more polish. This fact made Snape smile, a very rare occurrence. He turned back to watch Harry's mistakes with amusement. He loved it when others looked stupid, even if they were sixteen months old and only had nine teeth.
Harry started to rub the flytrap's stem, and it started to snarl softly.
"Good kitty," Harry said.
The snarling became louder, in fact it made the whole plant vibrate with hate and malice.
Harry struggled to to his little feet, using the plant for support, making the poor (coughs violently) carnivorous plant bend over depressingly. Finally Harry was on his feet, letting go of the thick stem. It sprung back upright, leaving the head to swing back and forth in a drunken manner. Once it had stopped, it turned and glared at Harry in the way only plants can-they don't. Harry stroked the coloured spines, cooing softly.
The group of Slytherins put down their pruning shears.
Meanwhile, James took his leisure walking back to greenhouse five, enjoying his short-lived freedom. The polish was in his hand, the sky was blue, the day was warm and he didn't have that wretched (no matter how cute, he was still annoying) baby in his arms...
"Harry!" James yelled, hitting himself on the forehead. "Arrrghhh!"
James started to run full-pelt towards greenhouse five, trying desperately to discern through the thick foliage inside as to whether or not the Slytherin had given him constipation (why oh why they had to be taught that spell James would never know, but a baby with constipation would treble his problems) or if Snape turned Harry into a headless chicken.
What he found was much, much worse.
At first, James had thought a hippogriff had interrupted class. People were either laughing or screaming while the Professor cried, "calm down, let me through!"
But then James saw the giant Venus flytrap thrashing about...and the two porky legs protruding from its jaws.
"Haaaaaaaaa-rrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy..." James moaned, diving forward to save Harry.
As he flew through the air holding onto Harry's tiny ankles, he wondered dimly when someone had slipped him the potion to make him act so out of his normal limitations.
"Petrificus Totallus!"
Suddenly James found himself clunking to the floor, immobile and face burning to the laughter of his peers. He watched with a frozen face of terror as the Professor approached the petrified plant and pulled the infant from it. The bell rang at that precise moment and James continued to lie on the floor as the class filed out, still chortling and smirking at him. When the door snapped shut, James was released and he scrambled to his feet, occupying himself with dusting his knees as the Professor stood staring at him.
"I think you should go to a mother's group, if you are to continue looking for that child," they told him in a stern voice and then ordered him from her sight.
"MOTHER'S GROUP!" James screamed at lunch that day. "Who do they think they are! I might have grown my hair a bit, but it's not that long!"
Remus rocked back and forth as he tried to stop his laughter.
"And YOUUUUUUUU!" James howled as he watched Remus hiccup. "Stop laughing, it snot funny!"
"Snot!" giggled Peter. The plump boy was not touching his food, as he was still under the effects of the curse. He shut up when James scowled a death glare at him.
"Well maybe you should," Sirius said reasonably as he helped himself to some Shepard's pie. "Harry's at a critical age, you want to be prepared. If you don't take action now he might...do that."
The group of friends followed Sirius's gaze, which was- strangely- up at the head table. A very small figure, smaller than any first year, was walking (or staggering, if you want to be specific) towards the line of Professors. Several girls were pointing and giggling and cooing as he passed.
"Since when can he walk?" Sirius asked with interest.
"Since Sunday," James sighed as he stood up, watching as Harry stuck his hands into one of Dumbledore's pockets. "I'll tell you later. I better go and save Black Beard."
"Who's Black Beard?" Peter asked with confusion. "That's Harry...and he hasn't got a beard!"
"Black Beard," Remus said in reminiscence. "Pirate, pillagers and plunderer of the seven seas!"
"Oceans, Remus," Sirius corrected.
"Seas sounds better though," Remus argued.
"I like the word ocean," Peter butted in.
"I wonder how James is doing," Sirius said as he glanced back up to the head table where James was once again (it was becoming a regular occurrence) apologising for whatever he or Harry had done last. James stumbled back, wiping his brow.
"Remind me, if I ever get near a girl again, of Harry. Because I never, never-"
"Want to have kids?" Sirius suggested.
"No," James snapped. He held Harry up. "I was going to say, "dress up my son in pink," but to be honest," James got a mischievous smile on his face as Harry kicked, "I think it suits him."
James got out his wand and flicked it- and Harry's clothes (including his "little tykes" jeans) all turned a soft pink. "There, lovely!" James crowed.
"Pink is the new green, Punk," Sirius said in a deep voice.
When Lily walked into the common room that evening, a pink-clothed, spiky-pink-haired and pink-eyed baby walked over to her with relief evident on his pink little face.
A/n: I'm depressed by this British weather (in Aus, we have rain-as in a storm or sun-as in blinding your eyes ...not this grey drizzle), and the bars on the window (there actually are bars on the window, I kid you not), so I wrote this little chapter to lighten up a bit, plus I've been planning it for a while, hope it at least gave you a laugh. Nothing in it was serious (unless I change my mind) except one thing, which I refuse to reveal (laughs evilly). I know nothing of Black Beard, but just dropped it in, so call any mistakes artistic licence. On the note of artistic linsence; no, I was not putting Snape out of character...he was a child once, you know, and so is still a selfish little (coughs very very violently) at times.
Five days until I get home to my broadband connection, but give me six to get over my jetlag, since it's harder going back than coming to the U.K. (it takes me half a day coming, full day when I go back...or has the last um...four, six times? No idea...) and I can hardly wait! I'm just praying you can't wait either or I'm in for a lot of disappointment :(
Just for a recap for unobservant people, Lily and James HAVE FORGOTTEN all about what happened in the Shrieking Shack. According to them, they just went in, Lily freaked and they exited. As much as we all wish they remembered, I find the tension helps the story. If you hate it, flame me and then wait tensely for the next chapter (why would I tell you to leave?) and if you liked it, well tell me that you want to marry me (I shall, of course, refuse) and then start a riot when the next chapter doesn't arrive instantly. If you couldn't care less either way, just sit there waiting and I will deliver the goods.
1st August: And I'm stuck on chapter 18 guys, so please please please give me ideas or you won't get another chapter for a LONG time. I've been trying to write it for almost three weeks now!