a/n: thanks to those who've taken an interest in this story. glad to have some support!
please enjoy.
I returned to the palace to keep up appearances. Long absences didn't bode well for my reputation as a reformed traitor. I arrived in time to see Long Feng's final punishment before Azula. He stood before her cross-legged enthroned majesty, bound by his own men. Ty Lee and Mai stood at Azula's side, no longer wearing the Kyoshi farces.
"What is the meaning of this!" the general demanded indignantly, "I have done nothing short of swear total allegiance to you and keep it!"
This was a lie. I knew it. Azula knew it. Long Feng knew it. One had to credit him with being to bold as to attempt to save his own skin.
"And yet…" Azula said with her sarcastic drawl and mocking smile, "I just can't believe you."
"This is enough!" Long Feng roared, struggling against his own men. He turned to them in desperation. "Don't you see how she has poisoned you? This is our land! Not the Fire Nation's!"
"Rather late to have that change of heart, isn't it, Long Feng?" Azula said with a cold smile.
It was. Long Feng's former commands didn't listen to him. They remained still, totally open to Azula's will. Long Feng turned back to Azula, his eyes filled with rage. And desperation.
"I'll not fall to the likes of you!" he spat.
Suddenly, the bounds holding him broke, and Long Feng began to swing his arms to earthbend. I steadied myself, ready to attack despite my recent wound, but-
A flash of lightning struck Long Feng. He fell to the ground with a great cry, the final sound he would ever make. His body hit the ground and was still. Long Feng, leader of the Dai Li, had become a fatality of his own coup.
I looked to Azula who, her striking hand still raised, smiled at the sight.
She addressed the room. "Be aware of this above all else: the Fire Nation Princess is not to be crossed." Her eyes turned to me in warning, and perhaps suspicion. I stared straight back at her, unwavering.
I started to depart, but behind me I heard her call out. "Zuko. Might we talk for a moment?"
I returned to her obediently, but I took my time doing so. "Yes, Azula?"
She smiled at me and my skin crawled. "I wanted to thank you for your assistance in this matter," she said, waving a hand to Long Feng's body, which was being removed as she spoke.
Her eyes looked into mine, and a childlike fear that she could see into my soul and know all of me slipped into my heart. I suppressed a shiver.
"You're greatly improving, Zuko," she said, "At this rate, Father will welcome you back with open arms."
"You think?" I asked quietly. Hope traced my voice far more than I wished to share.
"I know," Azula assured. I started to leave, but she continued to speak. "The search for Uncle is ongoing, but I've been told that there has been great progress."
I faced her and knew she was baiting me. But it wouldn't work. "Good."
She tipped her head contemplatively at me, searching for a sign of deceit. She wouldn't find any.
"Only remember, brother," she said, her voice a snake; cold and slippery, "This is my victory. Do not cross me."
She gestured lazily to where Long Feng had fallen. I remained stoic.
Instead of Long Feng, I thought of my mother. I thought of Uncle's eyes, warning me not to test him again as he escaped. I thought of kissing Jin.
I couldn't fear Azula or anyone else anymore. There was nothing left for them to take from me.
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As I considered within the palace what I was to do next, I was surprised to come upon Mai. Since she and Ty Lee had become almost lashed to Azula's side, I knew our paths hadn't crossed by coincidence. I meant to move past her without a word, but she spoke anyway.
"Hi."
She meant to sound casual, but I wasn't stupid. I assumed Azula had sent her on the errand of talking to me for some reason.
In return, I gave a mumbled 'hi', back and she, unfortunately, thought this was permission to walk with me. It obviously wasn't and I was irritated at the presumption.
"So…how've you been?"
I stopped at stared at her. "How do you think?"
Mai gave an indifferent nod. "Right. That's what I thought."
I went on, but still she followed me.
"My parents had another kid," she said with a bored conversationalist tone.
"So what?" I retorted irritably. I didn't need this.
Mai gave an annoyed sigh. "Look, I just figured, I mean, we should talk. You know, since we're on the same side now."
I gave a short snort. 'Same side'. Maybe Azula did send her, maybe not. It didn't really make a difference.
"We may be on the same side," I said coldly, "But you and I have nothing to discuss."
Mai stopped, mumbled a 'whatever', and went back the way she'd come. I was relieved for her to be gone and wondered why she'd started talking in the first place. I thought of our childhood in the Fire Nation… But that had been years ago. Surely that wasn't how she felt anymore…
I turned back , not sure what I would say, but she'd already disappeared down another passage.
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With the Earth King gone, any of the luxurious rooms and grand treasures within the palace were up for grabs. Fire Nation soldiers had helped themselves to what Azula hadn't claimed already. Yet, it was hardly surprising that I'd managed to collect a large pile of ancient and perhaps priceless vases from various rooms throughout the palace. As a culture, the Fire Nation wasn't one for pointless trinkets unless they were their own. Naturally, I sympathized with this attitude.
I'd lost count of the vases I'd turned to blackened rubble, but I could tell my aim was getting refreshed. I was out of practice from being on the run and the exercise helped to clear my mind. Yet I'd become increasingly agitated as my thoughts had continued.
What would happen to me here? Azula couldn't protect me from Father-not that she truly cared to. I was just more convenient as a lacky than an enemy. But then, what if she was sincere? She'd kept me around for a reason. I was her flesh and blood. I sneered grimly. Not that that made a damn difference in our house.
Throwing another vase into the air and smashing it with a flaming kick, I thought of what would happen even if Father took me back. Azula had spoken of being treated as a war hero. Then what? I would go home. I thought of the palace and the cherry blossom gardens. Sleeping in my own bed. I found myself smiling at the thought.
But what really awaited at home? Little more than aesthetic and sentimental comforts. I would be alone. Alone in that house again. That thought was almost overwhelming.
What would I become when I came home? I wasn't the man I'd been when I'd left, that much was certainly true. I thought of the days I'd spent among the people I was supposed to loath and conquer without mercy: the girl, Song, with her burned arm and kindness; the boy, Li, and his admiration of me…before he knew of my firebending. He'd said that he hated me. After I'd saved him.
I thought of Jin and what would've happened between us under different circumstances. She'd be another Earth Kingdom peasant. She'd be a no one, a face in the masses. It made me sick to realize that Jin could easily have been nothing to me. Jin wasn't nothing. She never would be.
I saw myself in the reflection of the lanterns of the prison again. Threatening a helpless old woman for what amounted to no good reason. Where was the sense in that? There was none. It was madness; violent angry madness.
Was that what would become of me? Would I… Would I…
Would I become my father?
I remembered the dreams I'd had when I'd fallen ill. Two dragons, blue and red. All Hail Fire Lord Zuko.
"NO!" I screamed, blasting everything I had at the remaining vases, the heat so great that I could see through the heat that they were melting, running together in a distorted deformed mess. And I didn't care. I wanted them burned; I wanted everything burned.
I continued to pour flames onto the pile until my energy was nearly gone. Forced to stop, I breathed deeply, surprised at my fatigue. Though I felt a little better, my mind was not at ease. I was angry at everyone, including myself. I was angry at my father, at Azula. I was angry at Uncle for burning me. I was angry at the Avatar and his friends for always escaping and ruining my life. I was even angry at Mother for leaving me.
I closed my eyes as I felt a tear welling up from my good eye.
A voice startled me out of my thoughts.
"Nice. Going for the tapestries next?"
I turned in irritation to see Mai leaning lazily in the doorway. "Go away," I growled as I turned back. I saw the bond fire of vases already dying down.
There was a pause and for a moment I thought she'd gone, but to my dismay she wasn't. "You know, you weren't always like this."
"What's it to you?" I snapped.
"Nothing," she replied, and I wondered if she was being honest about that. "Just making an observation."
"Observe all you like," I said snidely, gesturing to the vase fire.
She raised an eyebrow at me. "So. Why aren't you out looking for your uncle or the Earth King? Or did you just figure it was pointless like me?"
"Does it matter?" I growled. I just wanted her to go away.
"No, I guess not," she stated. She started to leave, but added with what was either pity or malice trimmed on the edge of her words. "I mean, it's not like Azula gives a damn."
"I know," I replied quietly, knowing she'd never hear.
Azula didn't give a damn about me. But she didn't matter. She'd never really mattered. She wasn't the one I strove to impress. It wasn't her admiration I'd struggled my entire life to gain.
Father.
He was the one I needed…or, thought that I needed. I admired him still, despite everything. Despite my scar, my banishment, the revocation of my title, I still yearned for his approval. I saw that as my salvation of everything. It was the key to regaining my honor.
Azula had said that through coming back, Father would treat me like a war hero. But…
Azula always lies.
Azula always lies.
But did she? Did she really?
After a look back, I came to a dark conclusion: Azula always lied. Unless the truth was worse than any lie she could come up with.
"Dad's going to kill you…"
"Where is she?"
"You are hereby banished…"
"You were lucky to be born."
I felt flames reappear in my fists.
Was any honor I could regain from Father the sort of honor I truly wanted? And how long would it be before it was taken away again?
I looked to the fire I'd made that was already little more than glowing embers and twisted porcelain.
I sat on the floor, closed my eyes, and breathed. I just needed to breathe. I thought back to my lessons.
Breathing is one of the most important things about firebending. Fire, like you, needs to breathe.
"Fire needs air."
I suddenly flashed back to the delirium of my sickness, thinking I'd awoken with the Avatar's face.
I groaned. This wasn't helping to calm myself.
I needed to focus. Through focus comes thought, through thought comes knowledge. Comes knowing what to do.
And with much thought, came this knowledge: I could not stay here.
Even if I did go home, I wouldn't be free ever again.
But if I left… If I left, I could never return. Then again, what was there to return to? I lightly touched my scar. There was nothing here for me. And yet what else was there elsewhere? Little more, but at least there was possibility.
Oh yes, there was possibility all right. Possibility of facing all the dangers of the world alone. Not that I feared them, I simply knew odds to be against me. But then, maybe there was more. When the choice comes between definite nothing and uncertain nothing, each with the possibility of misery, there seems little point in choosing.
But I knew what was here. I knew what the Fire Nation held for me. What company Azula and Father would make. Outside the walls of Ba Sing Se… There was the unknown. Between the known and unknown…
The decision was made clearer.
I opened my eyes, my choice made.
It was time that I left.
to be continued...
I'm not saying I'm a fan of Mai/Zuko. I just think Mai's attraction to him should be acknowledged.
reviews appreciated. till next time!