hello again!

hope everyone is having good vacations!

thank you once again to my reviewers!

I have to say, recently I have been reading some other Avatar fics and I'm just blown away by the talent in this fanfiction section! It's really humbling too. I just keep reading these things and just going 'oh yeah, I should've thought of that...' or 'that's SO cool!'. So just saying, get out there and read some of these FANTASTIC authors!

anyway, please enjoy...

The last thing my mother ever said to me was 'No matter what happens, remember who you are'.

I thought at first that she'd just gone away. I imagined that she'd run off somewhere. Perhaps she lounged in the haven of a far utopia like the mythical Shangri La or had disguised herself as a peasant and was living on a quaint ranch. I thought about her every day and wondered about her. Was she all right? Did she miss me? Had she found a different family? A new husband, had new children? Had she forgotten me?

I dreamed of her returning for me. I dreamed of her coming and taking me away with her.

But with age, I grew wiser. My mother was not coming back. I would not know her embrace, her scent, her voice ever again. She was dead, or might as well have been.

And why would I want to run away? I had a country to serve. I had Father to serve. I was Prince of the Fire Nation, with a rich heritage to commemorate, a duty to uphold. I was to bring glory to our people, but I can say with no guilt that they were not the ones I sought to appease. It was all for my father.

Then came the Agni Kai.

The flames come for me, and behind them in shadow I see the Fire Lord in all his ruthless majesty.

Seering pain on my face. I scream in pain, in betrayal, in utter failure.

The mark of the banished prince.

And the only thing running through my head, over and over again: 'But I'm your son.'

My relationship between my father and I came to parallel that of a repentant sinner and a vengeful god. He was all that I knew, all that I worshipped, but through my efforts to gain favor, I could only fail through little more than my own fault. And in return, he did smite me.

---------

Walking down that dirt road from Ba Sing Se, I knew that I had not fulfilled my mother's last words to me. I did not know how, but I knew I hadn't. 'Remember who I am'? Who was I? A prince? A warrior? A good son? What?

In the end, I knew myself to only be a lost cause. To everyone.

"Remember who you are."

"You were lucky to have been born."

"You are hereby banished…"

"You can't even do lightning!"

"Traitor…"

But the one I had failed the most…

"You didn't think I'd let you have all the fun, did you?"

"I have always thought of you as a second son."

We cut our top-knots by the riverbank.

"I have always been a man who believes in second chances…"

"I think it is time we resumed your training."

"You are not the man you used to be."

"You never think these things through!"

He turns from me, disgusted by my choice.

He injures me and his eyes tell me I am an enemy.

Where was he now? What had happened after he and the Avatar's group had escaped? I gave the slightest smirk. Knowing Uncle, he would not be recaptured very easily, if at all. I remembered how we fought together on Azula's ship. General Iroh may joke of his 'old age', but he is as superior a warrior as anything Azula could put against him.

Uncle had left with the Avatar, and I had a feeling the escape hadn't been conducted solely out of charity. The Avatar had mastered air, water, and earth. Fire was left.

My pace slowed at that. Fire was left. Would Uncle…? No. He wouldn't. He'd never go so far as to teach the enemy, the Avatar, firebending! But, a few paces later, I gritted my teeth and knew that he would. Of course he would.

Uncle had always had a weakness for the supernatural. On the ship during our search, he would, but rarely, make the quietest question of our task. He'd make an offhand remark about 'the spirits not meant to be trifled with' and so on. I always dismissed them and returned that he was better than commoner superstition. I had heard the rumors of his journeys in the Spirit World like everyone else. He never spoke on those fantasies, and I certainly never asked about mythical epics.

He would teach the Avatar firebending. He'd probably throw in an extra lesson and make the Avatar a tea-brewing master as well!

I shook my head to myself. Why? Why would he betray his nation in such a way?

Why did you walk away? something echoed malevolently in my mind.

'There was nothing there for me,' I internally answered back. 'There was no point. Azula lies, and Father hates me. Why stay?'

At least Uncle is doing something, the evil voice retorted snidely, At least he's picked a side! You're only walking away!

'What else was there to do? I was forced out of the Nation, but I remain loyal to it! I will not commit the treason I was wrongfully accused of! Therefore, what can I do?'

You can make up your damn mind and stop being a coward!

"It's the right thing."

No. No, I was doing what I had to. I was not a coward. I was an outcast. I'd been pushed away. I was only surviving.

Do you really think saying it over and over will make it true?

I ignored it. I was only thinking this way because I was tired. I needed to rest.

The voice within my mind stopped, but it put in the final word, saying in a half-hearted, almost melodious ironic trickle:

Azula's not the only one who lies.

-----------------------

I decided to change out of the shinobi, not only to be discreet but also because the thing was still wet from the incident at Serpent's Pass.

There are tributary rivers and ponds leading to the lakes of Ba Sing Se, and it was fortunate for me that there happened to be a village near one such pond. Even more fortunate, when I happened by it, it was occupied by two youths of the village.

I crept among the brush and trees encircling the pond, but I could have stomped right up to the shore, casting fire carelessly all over and the two wouldn't have taken notice as the forest burned around them. Fools.

Their things were in a ruffled pile across the pond from them, and it took little skill to know the items had been cast off with little hesitation or care. I took the boy's clothes and a satchel. I quickly checked the bag to see if it was really worth taking. It had some food, but also a cask of moonswan mead, which I sneered distastefully at. I removed the sickly sweet and delirium-inducing drink, letting it drop into the depths of the pond.

Really, even peasants should have some level of taste.

----------

And so I was 'Lee', the peasant again. I'd given up beds of soft silk sheets for the dusty ground. I'd walked away from bountiful tables laden with the best foods to scrounging for roots and nicking scraps. Oh yes, surely this was the wiser path.

Then again, I wasn't really 'Lee' again, I thought to myself. 'Lee' traveled with 'Mushi', and 'Mushi' was gone. I sighed. So, I was an unnamed nomad.

'Remember who you are'.

How? I didn't even have a name anymore.

By the side of the road, I found a slight ditch with a slightly raised curve of rock that provided some shelter. It was here that I set the stolen bag down and tried to get into as comfortable a position as possible on little more than bare earth and some scraggly weeds. My spirit was still rushed from the recent days, but my mind knew I had to sleep. I shut everything out; all emotions, all memories, all worries. I came to a state that was cold and blank as a slate stone, but it was the only calm I could find.

Sleep came, and time's veil was parted for me as I fell forward into nothing.

--------

Sleep is not a pleasant experience for me, but it is a necessity. When I've had the time to, I've mused if there was ever a way to break from the physical, natural addiction to sleep. It is a state in which one is totally helpless, totally vulnerable. Something that, as a warrior, I knew to be a weakness that had to be eliminated.

Sleep also brings one to a place that should never be ventured. I knew this well, and it had gotten to the point where nightmares were expected.

Flames everywhere, ash filling the sky. The air is hot and poisonous, thick. I can't find my air.

But I continue my frantic search, looking everywhere I can think of. Someone is laughing-why does it sound so much like Father? I can't find her. But she has to be here, she has to be because why, WHY would she leave me here? Why would she leave me here to burn…

I sit up with a small cry, my eyes anxiously running over the world around me, either to make sure I've awoken or perhaps to continue the search from the dream…

I see the blazen tapestry marking the symbol of home, the Fire Nation, and relax, but only slightly. I lay back on the cool red silken sheets, so glad to be in my own bed again.

But then, it isn't my bed, I realize as my stomach binds itself into a knot. This isn't my room. Not the real one; not the one at home. It's been my quarters for the past few weeks, but this is not my home. Home lies…where? How far north have I gone? On what continent will I waste another few weeks searching for a century old ghost?

Knowing I cannot go back to sleep again, at least not tonight, I rise, dress, and walk out onto the deck.

The ship granted to me is seen as an easy sacrifice from the navy. It's small and not in very good condition. The men under my command here are mostly not even firebenders and are poor examples of our army's greatness. At the very least, they listen to orders, and that is the most I can hope for.

I walk out onto the steel deck and see the open night sky. The moon is full tonight, and I offer it a habitual more than passionate glare. The moon is the sun's enemy, therefore it is our enemy, my enemy.

I walk up to the metal railings and look over the edge. The salty sea wind carries a cool, almost soothing breeze to…

I stare down at my reflection in the water and see my face. My face…the burn… I know by now it won't heal and that Father meant for that. I feel nothing but utter loathing for the figure staring back at me from the ocean.

I am a disfigured, banished prince with no hope of ever redeeming myself.

"Prince Zuko, what keeps you awake at such an hour?"

I turn in surprise to see Uncle Iroh almost right behind me. I hadn't even heard him step onto the deck. I stare at him for a moment. Why was he here? Why had he come with me on a mission with no end to it? He could have-should have stayed home. I've mentioned as much to him already, but he dismisses me without so much as a wave of his hand. Then again, who was I to instruct the Dragon of the West?

I don't answer his question, however. I turn away and look out onto the vast sea. "You should go back to bed, Uncle. There's no purpose served in both of us being awake."

"I agree," he says sincerely as he walks up to me, "Though I often find it difficult to sleep on this particular night." He pauses for a moment, and when he speaks again, his voice is laced with grief. "It was on this day so long ago that I lost my son."

I hang my head slightly in shame. I had forgotten. This was the day my cousin, Lu Ten had been killed in the war.

"I had a dream," I offer quietly, "I don't think I'll sleep again tonight either."

"It was about your mother," Uncle Iroh states with careful perception.

I only nod in reply. It's too painful to say anymore.

We stand there for a moment, together in the mourning of those taken from us.

I stare at my reflection.

"You know, Prince Zuko," Uncle Iroh says with sincerity, "There is an old saying: 'the darkest time is before sunrise'. It is in times like these, when all is seemingly against you, that you must remain your strongest."

"I know, Uncle," I reply simply. I straighten a little. I am a prince. I will be strong. This mission may have the odds against it, but I've never been one for the easy tasks. If I dedicate myself to this, I will return home again.

"Where should we look next?" I ask him.

With a thought, he says, "I think perhaps Cháyè in the Earth Kingdom.'

I raise an eyebrow-not that of my scarred half. "Why would the Avatar be there?"

"The answer is obvious, nephew," Uncle Iroh says sagely.

"Is it?"

"Cháyè is famous all across the world for its excellent tea," he explains with a phantom smile.

I growl, "You and your tea. You're a royal of the Fire Nation!"

"And I know a fine brew of tea when I have one," he defends with a smile as he turns away. "Perhaps you will someday gain an appreciation for it."

"I doubt it," I say more under my breath that to him.

But, when they are awake, I will instruct the men to turn our course for Cháyè.

--------

"Uncle!"

But he's gone. The ship, the sea, they're all memories swept away with sleep.

I am alone in a ditch. It's nightfall. How long was I asleep?

I realized the reason I'd been awakened as rough voices yell from the road.

"Move it!"

I heard feet on the ground that were dragging themselves either by choice or injury. I could hear that there were iguana-oxes, three of them, each with a rider. There was a clanking of chains, shackles.

Cautiously, I picked myself up into a crouching position. I crept up the low rise to the road to see what I couldn't know from sound alone.

to be continued...

note: Chaye'tea leaves' in chinese ;)

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