This Ain't the Golden Years
Chapter 31
December 24, 2058
Diana keeps calling me! She seems to think I'm up to something tonight. As if I would do anything on Christmas Eve, I do have some limits you know. I'm kind of insulted.
Besides, Linda would kill me if I pulled anything, so it's a lost cause anyway.
Except Diana won't believe me. This is really annoying. I think the next time she calls I'll have Linda "talk" to her.
Dammit, my cell phone's ringing again. Hold on, I'm going to give it to Linda.
Hah, take that Diana!
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Excerpt from Linda Park West's Phone Conversation with Diana:
Date: December 24, 2058
Linda (irritated): Don't call again Diana.
Diana: But I think Wally's…
Linda: Wally is NOT up to anything tonight. He is right here, under MY watchful eye.
Diana: Even so…
Linda: Is Wally your husband?
Diana:…
Linda: Bye Diana.
Linda: (Ends the call.)
Diana:….
Diana: She would make a great Amazon.
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December 24, 2058
I love my wife so much. Even Bruce and Diana are careful around her when she's in a bad mood. Too bad they never ended up together. They deserve each other.
We've had a good time tonight. The grandkids have been anxious to open their presents, so we let them open one present each. We'll open the rest tomorrow morning.
Barry and Linda played some Christmas songs on the piano after dinner. Yeah, I know, it's surprising that my son is actually good on the piano. He must get it from Linda. Iris could never sit still long enough to learn.
I've got to go, we're getting ready to watch a movie now. I'm not sure which one, but Iris and Barry picked it out, so it should be interesting. Last year they picked out The Nightmare Before Christmas, which didn't exactly please Linda, but the grandkids loved it.
By the way, I wonder how the Hunt for Santa is doing?
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Location: Somewhere near Metropolis
Date: December 24, 2058
Rex: I can't believe we have to wear these stupid hats.
Kairo:….
Terry: I wouldn't care if I wasn't already wearing my batsuit.
Matt: Batman in a Santa hat is just plain wrong.
Rex: Him? What about us?
Matt: Batman's cool, you're not.
Terry: Hah!
Kairo:…
Rex: I'm ten times better than Terry.
Terry: Hey Stewart, who's the one with the girlfriend?
Kairo: (rubs forehead)
Kairo: Can we please stick to the issue here?
Everyone else:…
Rex: Hey Matt, I'll give you a present if you say I'm better than Terry.
Matt: Do I look stupid?
Rex: Well you do look like Terry…
Terry (brandishing a fist): You want some of this Stewart?
Rex: Bring it on.
Terry: He's my little brother, go find your own.
Matt: Kick his butt Ter.
Random fighting ensues:
Kairo:…I suppose I'll have to take some drastic action.
Everyone else: Aah! KAIRO!
Kairo: (Holding the others up in a green ball.)
Matt: Let us down!
Kairo: Not until you idiots behave. It's bad enough I'm stuck delivering presents with you three.
Rex: This is your fault McGinnis.
Terry: How is this my fault?
Rex: You should be wearing the old batsuit, it has yellow on it.
Terry: If you carried a mace like your mom, we wouldn't be in this situation!
Matt: Uh…can you let me out? I don't want to be caught in the middle when they start fighting again.
Kairo:…I have an idea. Why don't we split up the list? The two nitwits can deliver together and we'll take the other half.
Matt: Bye Terry!
Terry: Matt! You traitor!
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Excerpt from the Personal Journal of Bruce Wayne:
Date: December 24, 2058
What the hell is Terry doing?
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Location: Metropolis
Date: December 24, 2058
Terry: I hate you Stewart.
Rex: I hate you too McGinnis.
Terry: I'm going to kill my brother.
Rex: I'm going to kill Kairo.
Terry: Then we're agreed. After tonight, they both shall die.
Rex: All right, let's get this over with. The sooner we're done the sooner I don't have to look at your ugly face.
Terry: I think Dana might disagree with you there.
Rex: (glare)
Terry: (GLARE)
Rex: (Reluctantly admits defeat as he pours over the List, while pretending not to have lost.)
Terry: (Gloats.)
Terry: So who's first?
Rex: Alexandra Luthor. She's Lex's daughter.
Terry: Let me guess…coal?
Rex: Lot's of it.
Terry: Can I TP her car?
Rex: Well…the rules don't say that you can't…
Terry: I think I'll spray paint it while I'm at it.
Rex: You're such a delinquent.
Terry: Fine, I guess that means you won't help me?
Rex:…Which colors?
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Location: Smallville, Kansas
Date: December 24, 2058
Matt: How're we going to sneak into Superman's house?
Kairo: The chimney.
Matt: I'm not going down the chimney!
Kairo: Shh…he might hear you.
Matt (stubbornly): I'm not going down the chimney.
Kairo: Do you think I want to? It's in the rules. If there's a chimney, we unfortunately must go down it.
Matt: Screw the rules.
Kairo:…I suppose we can claim that the chimney was out of commission.
Matt: Who uses fireplaces anymore anyway? It's probably stuffed with rags or something.
Kairo: Unless you're Clark Kent and slightly old fashioned.
Matt: Slightly?
Kairo:…I wonder how we should do this?
Matt: A window? The door would be too obvious.
Kairo: Either he or the dog will hear us.
Matt: The dog?
Krypto: Woof!
Random barking ensues.
Matt and Kairo: (Run off and hide.)
Matt: Stupid dog.
Kairo: Shh…
Clark: Who's there?
Matt and Kairo:….
Clark:…?
Krypto: Woof.
Clark: (Uses X-Ray vision.)
Clark: (Mysteriously doesn't find them.)
Clark: Must have been a deer.
Clark: (Goes back inside.)
Matt: Why didn't he see us?
Kairo: J'onn says that Santa uses magic. Maybe he put some kind of protection on us.
Matt: Or maybe Superman's an idiot.
Kairo:…
Matt: How're we going to get inside with that stupid dog?
Kairo: There are some dog biscuits in this bag. We can bribe him.
Matt: I've got a better idea. Let's just leave the presents in that barn over there.
Kairo: They do use that barn a lot, perhaps that would work.
A little later:
Matt: Whoa!
Kairo: It appears as though Mr. West and Mr. Queen's upcoming prank is definitely taking its toll.
Matt: He's got two walls covered in conspiracy theories!
Krypto: Woof!
Kairo: Let's just leave the presents and get out of here.
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Meanwhile, in Metropolis:
Rex: Can you pass me the green?
Terry: Which car should I vandalize next?
Rex: We can't forget about the coal.
Terry: Let's just put them inside Luthor's cars.
Rex: Can you pick the locks?
Terry: Of course I can. I'm Batman.
Rex: You pick the locks, I'll get the coal.
To be continued: