CHAPTER TWO: THE BUTLER DID IT

Angeline Fowl came home at around nine-thirty, and immediately picked up the newsletter in the hall. She was delighted to see that there was to be a school dance in the next week. The lack of social activities being organised by the school lately had been worrying. But this dance sounded lovely. Formal dress, and a number of reputable girls' schools to be invited. Angeline was quite relieved. Hopefully Arty would meet a nice girl and overcome this ridiculous notion that he didn't need the rest of the world. She thought it might be a stage, but Artemis was quite adamant that none of his peers were worthy of his respect. But Marie had told her at the Garden Party today that it was just hormones. That was how teenagers were at that age.

The next morning Artemis rose feeling quite content, even if it was a school day. School was a waste of time for him, as he was generally more intelligent than his teachers, but today Holly had promised to contact him, and Artemis always looked forward to communicating with her. Mulch too. The little kleptomaniac was the person Artemis might have been if he hadn't been born rich and cultured. And human. Still, Artemis was quite attached to his fairy friends, and he always enjoyed a little intelligent conversation.

But the day was not to go as planned. As soon as Artemis arrived downstairs he came face-to-face with his mother, who for some reason was in an exceptionally good mood.

'Oh, Artemis! There you are. I was just coming to wake you.' Angeline smiled cheerfully.

Artemis stared at his mother in surprise. Since when did she wake him in the mornings? He had an alarm clock that was perfectly tuned to Greenwich Mean Time. He replied in tones that he hoped would discourage his mother from pursuing further conversation.

'Yes, here I am. But Mother, I really must be getting to school –'

But Angeline was scrutinising him oddly.

'My, my, you have grown. We really must get you some new clothes. Perhaps some jeans. A teenager really shouldn't be wearing suits everywhere. Perhaps we can get you a pair when we get you a tuxedo for the dance…'

Angeline continued to chatter blithely about clothes shopping, but Artemis wasn't listening. At the mention of the dance he had turned, if possible, even paler than usual, and his brain seemed to have ceased functioning. How could Angeline know about the dance? Unless…

'Excuse me mother, but I really must check on something in my study.' Artemis interrupted Angeline in full flow about her shopping plans.

'Check on something? But you just came down. Surely it can wait.' Artemis' mother seemed quite put out. Remarkable, considering that Artemis hadn't even been listening to her. He responded stiffly as he backed subtly towards the stairs, ready for a quick getaway.

'It really is imperative that I check it now,' Artemis lied as his brain flailed for a believable excuse. It had never failed him yet, and it didn't now. 'It's an experiment for school, you see, and I must take the appropriate measurements at accurate time intervals. If you'll excuse me?' Without waiting for an answer, Artemis turned and ran quickly up the stairs.

At the door of the study Artemis entered a seven-digit code before entering. Inside, his worst fears were realised. The copy of the newsletter that he had scanned yesterday and left on his desk was gone. The place he had left it was empty. And there was only one other person in the manor with the code.

'BUTLER!' Artemis yelled. An odd break in composure.

The Eurasian bodyguard came running. 'What is it, Artemis?' he enquired, once he had realised that there was no threat in the study. Unless you counted the threat of getting a paper cut from one of the many books. Which Butler didn't. There was just Artemis looking very pale. Paler than usual. And evidently very, very angry.

'Butler, where is the newsletter that I left here yesterday?' in contrast to the angry look on his face, Artemis' voice sounded very calm and casual.

'Isn't it here?' asked Butler

'Obviously it isn't here, or else I wouldn't have asked you where it was.' Artemis wasn't accustomed to Butler asking stupid questions. Of course, Butler wasn't used to asking stupid questions either, but he'd never really been a good liar. In the body guarding business it didn't really matter whether you told the truth or not, because generally you could then terminate anyone with information they shouldn't have. But Butler couldn't exactly terminate his own employer. Not without crossing some serious ethical and moral boundaries. And losing his job.

'Well then, I don't know where it is.' Butler replied woodenly. 'Would you like me to search for it?'

Artemis stopped being pale, and turned red.

'No, Butler, I would not like you to search for it. I know where it is.'

Butler stared at Artemis in surprise. He was about to enquire as to why Artemis had bothered to ask him where it was if he already knew, but on reflection decided he was probably about to be in enough trouble. Artemis was the only person who scared Butler. And not just because he signed his paycheques and could probably stop anytime. Sometimes Artemis just looked as though he could do serious damage. But Butler had more than an instinct to go on – he knew what the Irish teenager could do.

'The newsletter that I left on this desk, Butler, somehow made it out to a table in the hall. And the newsletter that I left there mysteriously disappeared. Now how do you suppose that happened?' Sarcasm wasn't a tool Artemis usually used, but then, this wasn't exactly a normal situation.

Butler decided that lying wasn't going to get him anywhere. Artemis obviously knew what he had done, so what was the point? He owned up stoically.

'I put the newsletter on the table, Artemis'

'Why?' Artemis seemed actually curious, which was odd for him. Normally Artemis just looked smug.

'Because you need to learn how to interact pleasantly with people your own age.' Butler told him calmly. Butler knows best. Not.

Artemis groaned. Not this again. 'Butler, people my own age are hardly worth exchanging words with, let alone dancing with. There is no reason fathomable that I should attend this dance. A school dance, too. It's an utterly useless concept. Who would I meet of importance?'

Butler shrugged. He knew that if Angeline was determined that Artemis should go to this dance, than Artemis would be going to the dance, no matter how strong his resolve to the contrary. Why argue if you've already won?

Why indeed? I got this chapter out fairly quickly, but it could be a while before I get the next one - I'm going camping for the ANZAC Day weekend and there won't be any internet access. : (

Reviews?