House was sitting in his office watching TV when his phone rang. He considered not answering, but since it was a commercial break he took the call. It was Cuddy.
"House," Cuddy went straight to the point. "I have a Mr. Simon in my office and he is somewhat unsatisfied with the care we are giving to his wife and he is also demanding an apology for the way her doctor spoke to him."
"Ok, that sounds like you have your hands full," House murmured into the phone. "But why are you calling me?"
"Don't try to play the innocent with me, I know you too well," Cuddy nearly barked. "Just get your butt into my office now or so help me..." And she hung up.
House put the phone down and stood up. He walked next door to check if Chase was there. He was, as were the other ducklings as well – even the littlest one.
"Chase, anything you need to tell me about Mrs. Simon? You know something about her visitors or anything?" House asked.
"Oh, ... I .." Chase stammered. "Well, she has decided to see what she can do about her husband and since her best friend is Stacy's legal secretary she thought ... I didn't suggest ... I mean she needs a lawyer... I didn't bring up her name!"
Interesting, House thought, I must remember to ask vague questions more often. Aloud he said: "Care to tell me more specifically how that came about? And also, your take on the husband in question."
---------------
Cuddy was actively fuming by the time House finally arrived in her office. She met him in the front room.
"I know you are a cripple but even for you it shouldn't take 45 minutes to get your butt here!"
"How would you know? Ever been a cripple?" House countered. "Besides I needed to get the facts of the matter first."
"What? You insult so many patients and their loved ones that you need to check your notes to see what you have said to each?" Cuddy snapped.
"That might be an idea," House pondered. "Though in this case I had nothing to do with any of the insults or anything, so I had to get the low-down from Chase first."
"Chase? Are you telling me it was Chase who insulted Mr. and Mrs. Simon?" Cuddy was surprised.
"And are you telling me that Mr. Simon came into your office saying a doctor had insulted him and you immediately assumed it was me?" House pretended to be deeply insulted. "You wound me, Cuddy, oh how you wound me!"
"Oh shut up House!" Cuddy sighed. "So not only has Mr. Simon waited nearly an hour for nothing already, I now have to ask him to wait some more while I get Chase in there. Just perfect!"
"You are not getting Chase down here," House informed her. "I came in his stead to tell Mr. Simon that we are right out of apologies."
"No, you are not going in there to ..." But Cuddy was too late. For a cripple who needed a cane House had learned to be very nimble when the occasion demanded. Cuddy had no choice but to follow.
"Mr. Simon," House greeted the man sitting in Cuddy's office. Mr. Simon was in his mid fifties, possibly nearly ten years older than his wife, dark hair, impressive stature and arrogance stamped all over him. House rather thought he saw the word jerk tattooed on his forehead as well. Sure, House had one on his forehead, too, but unlike this piece of work House knew it was there. "I'm Dr. House. I hear you were unhappy with one of my doctors."
"Are you Dr. Chase's superior?" Mr. Simon asked.
"Who isn't," House flipped. "Oh! ... Did you mean am I his boss? Yes, to that, too. He explained the situation to me in detail. Just one thing I would like to get straight: did you really say you would not pay for your wife's medical bills?"
"She is in no need of medical care – or at least the kind of care you give here," Mr. Simon insisted. "So yes, I did say that. And I meant it. If she wants to buy attention from young doctors she can pay for it herself."
"Interesting attitude you have towards your wife," House murmured. "I would have thought a loving husband would have been a little more interested in first finding out what it is we think is wrong with his wife before deciding that she is faking it. After all, even hypochondriacs get sick for real sometimes, you know."
"If you came here to apologize on the behalf of Dr. Chase and to tell me you will see him disciplined for his conduct, you are not starting very well at all." Mr. Simon informed House.
"I know," House mourned. "But that's ok, since I didn't come here to do anything of the sort. What I did come here to tell you is that I totally agree with Dr. Chase's assessment of you. I support him in his decision to not apologize to you. Also I'm here to inform you that you are barred from visiting your wife until she tells us that she wants to see you. She has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and the last thing she needs is more pain – especially in her butt. Which, come to think of it, is still pretty impressive even after you having hassled it for the last 27 years."
"Dr. Cuddy!" Mr. Simon was turning red. "Is this your idea of an apology? Is this how you treat all of your important clients? I'm in charge of one of the biggest businesses in this area and you will find out the influence I can have! I'm getting in touch with my lawyers the moment I leave here and you will be hearing from me!" He stormed out of the office though Cuddy did try to stop him and explain that House was not a doctor but a patient who had escaped from the mental ward and he had just stormed into her office before she could stop him. She gave up and returned to confront House.
"Have you any idea what you have done!" She yelled at House. "Mr. Simon owns one of the most prestigious businesses here and you have just made a mortal enemy of him! Would it really have killed you to apologize? Or better yet, send Chase here and do it – after all he was the culprit in the first place!"
"No, it wouldn't have killed me," House said making himself comfortable on Cuddy's couch. "But since I saw no need to be nice to him, I decided not to waste my time on trying."
"So you don't care that he is getting in touch with his lawyers even as we speak?" Cuddy fumed.
"No. In fact he should get in touch with his lawyers – if he has any, of course," House was enjoying himself greatly at Cuddy's expense.
"House," Cuddy sat down at her desk in defeat. "He could destroy this hospital!"
"No he couldn't," House decided to come clean. "You see he may act like he owned the world, but in truth he is just married to the woman who does. And she has just decided to divorce him, though he doesn't know that yet."
"What do you mean," Cuddy was interested.
"The company he runs belonged to his father-in-law," House told her. "His wife inherited it lock, stock and barrel. He is just the hired help. His wife has finally had enough of him, so she is getting in touch with a lawyer – even as we speak – and is starting divorce proceedings. And the lawyer she is getting in touch with is Stacy, so we can expect Mr. Simon to pay in blood for any insult he has ever given to his wife, and from what I hear they are numerous."
"He can still have a lot of influence," Cuddy warned House. "And he is getting in touch with his lawyers."
"His lawyers are probably the company lawyers," House pointed out. "And as his wife, the owner of the company starts the divorce proceedings the lawyers in question will have to refuse to represent him due to a conflict of interest. If the wife gives him the boot from the company as well as the marriage, he may find himself in need of a different kind of lawyer entirely."
"What are you implying?" Cuddy asked.
"Just that he has been allowed to play ducks and drakes with the company for a number of years now," House explained. "According to his wife he has always had affairs with other women, usually his secretaries, so I will be greatly surprised if he has been kosher in all his dealings there."
"Well I sure hope you have read the situation right," Cuddy sighed. "If she cancels the divorce or if there is a prenup, or he has more influence outside his position as the head of her company we can be in deep trouble! And we can still be in trouble even if he does nothing else but tell people how he was treated."
"By me," House told Cuddy. "Nobody will find it in the least surprising that I insulted him. It will not reflect badly on the hospital."
"You think it won't hurt the hospital's reputation that we have a doctor who practically goes out of his way to insult people?!" House's nonchalance left Cuddy nearly breathless with indignation.
"No," House insisted. "I have been doing it for years now. Whatever damage it has done to this hospital is already done. By now, it's old news."
"Maybe," Cuddy conceded. "But don't run away with the idea that I will let you do it with impunity! I will make you apologize when necessary."
"And when necessary," House stressed the word necessary. "I will apologize."
-------------
When House returned to the diagnostics his ducklings were all still there.
"Nothing to do?" He asked as he went to get some coffee.
"Waiting for test results," Chase informed him.
"Having a break from sorting your mail," Cameron said.
"Foreman?" House prompted as there was no explanation from that quarter.
"I'm busy," Foreman told him. "I'm reviewing Mr. Park's case with Soo."
"Do I smell an article on the way?" House asked. "Have you cleared this with Cameron already?"
"He doesn't need my permission!" Cameron shrugged.
"I think I remember a big stink not that long ago because he hadn't got your permission to write one," House just had to poke.
"That was different," Cameron insisted. "We cleared that up and it's over and done with."
"So you have no interest in writing up Mr. Park's case?" House asked.
"Well, Eric has already started on it," Cameron tried to prevaricate.
"And of course you two couldn't even think of co-authoring something," House threw at them wanting to see what reaction he would get. Cameron and Foreman looked at each other with puzzlement.
"I don't know," Cameron said. "We approach things differently. I'm not sure if it could even work."
"It would be difficult," Foreman agreed. "But it might work if we do twin articles, you know, write each our own, but submit them together as two sides of the same case."
"And of course you could get Soo in it as well," House decided to play some more. "After all, it is not often that you can get a medical proxy who is also a medical student and can therefore comment on the situation from a position of knowledge."
"That could be interesting," Foreman pondered. "Would you want to try, Soo?"
"Me?" Soo was all eyes. "Of course, if you think I can."
"Of course you can," Cameron insisted. "And we will help, right Eric."
"Right," Foreman agreed. "So Cameron, Soo? Shall we see how it goes?"
As the trio made their agreement and started to plan the article Chase came over to House.
"You did that on purpose," Chase stated.
"Feeling left out?" House taunted mildly.
"No," Chase said. "I can write about Fibromyalgia if I want."
"If you want," House sniped. "You have never been big on writing articles, have you?"
"Why did you give Mrs. Simon to me?" Chase ignored House's question and asked one of his own.
"That sounds like slavery," House frowned. "I didn't give her to you. I just pointed you in her direction."
"Why? Because of the Fibromyalgia?" Chase asked. "Because you knew I would look up what my father had said about it and you knew he didn't say anything?"
"Possibly," House partly admitted. "Does it matter?"
"You are trying to push me, aren't you?" Chase demanded. "You said you didn't care if I go on with medicine or not, but you still push me into situations like this."
"I may not care what you choose to do," House explained. "But that does not mean that as long as you work for me I don't put you into situations that allow me to observe your reactions."
"You really are a manipulative bastard!" Chase accused.
"My Indian name," House agreed.
"Really? I thought your Indian name was: the man who used to live with Stacy." A new voice joined the conversation.
Everybody turned to see Stacy Warner stand at the doorway.
"Different tribe," House told her.
"Ah, yes, that would explain it," Stacy acknowledged.