Disclaimer: Hi, guys! Enjoying being back in school/work? Ha. Not that anyone is. I'll be quick on pre-story writing-ness.
I would like everyone reading this who writes parodies to consider partnering up with someone else and writing a cameo parody. It's very entertaining to see what your partner will do to your character.
It's like Whose Line, but written.
Oh darn. I've already messed up my fingernail polish from typing. Ah well. Review-thanking time!
Moriko Csove Doyle: Well, at least you're not offended. It was just so darn long. It'll end up being Brita or Skipper. Happy Kristmakuh!
Mrs. Gerard Butler: Okay, it's Supergirrl writing this one. I've never done hunt seat, having been trained as a dressage/jumper who taught herself the basics of Western-And ended up being pretty good at it. It's not that different, right? Okay, we'll change the boot thing (While you're at it, do you want an Albion saddle to use during your stay in POC?)
Nanotech: I did the magic "click a random reviewer" thing again. Yours came up. Sorry. Stupid Paris.
FemmeLoki: Wow. A whole two people sympathize/feel sorry for/like Dommi. You're an original!
Supergirrl: Hey, you designed them, I just type out my halves. Does seem like a normal family, though.
PhantomoftheBasket: Aww, someone had too much candy. You put those socks back on right now, missy. : D Peace Basket.
Serey-Sass: Wow. They're anxious!
Halt at X: This is Supergirrl here. Do I ride dressage? That's like asking fish if they swim. When I first read your name, I immediately thought," Halt, salute, proceed working trot." I've been riding since I was five, and was trained as a dressage rider, although I am a good jumper and Western rider. Dude, I feel your pain, I have a ten-year-old Thoroughbred with a heart of gold and good intentions, who unfortunately is scared easily and quite clumsy. Just today, we were trotting along quite nicely when he tripped over those stupid oxygen molecules that always seem to get in his way, causing him to fall onto his knees. My head hit his neck pretty hard, but that was child's play compared to the bucking fit he gave me two weeks ago when water coming out of a gutter made a splattering sound, causing him to gallop and buck at the same time! Fun, fun. What's your horse's name? My boy's Captain, but I still ride my Quarab mare, Treasure, who's perfect in every way except she thinks that she's vastly superior to all humans, and is smart enough to trick me, so I'm constantly thwarting her attempts to jump something.
Mkay then. Give me a minute so I can remember where I left off…
Ah! Now then, story time!
PS: You're going to be confused. I, BTR, was confused. SG was confused. But it's fine.
0o0o0o0o0o0
Well, as many suspected, this wasn't something the Lady Phantom had prepared herself for.
Actually, she hadn't prepared herself for any means of 'attack'. She thought nine-year-old children were completely harmless.
So she obviously never saw Home Alone.
Suddenly, time froze for the two non-important members of this story; AKA the 'teachers'.
A random little man with an odd British accent appeared and shoved all the girls (minus the teachers) inside a sack and threw them in a cart before shouting gleefully, "Now we're taking a fun little trip into the twisted mind of Dominique Destler! Please keep all hands, feet, and weaponry inside the imaginary car at all times."
And then the cart shrunk to the size of a ink-drop, many girls screamed, except for the other "Woo-hoo" from the Madame Giry clone that was hitchhiking. It lifted into the air and floated around for a little bit before floating into the head of the taller teacher.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Oddly enough, her brain was very organized. It was shaped like a sort of library. It was basically a huge spiral staircase (except the stairs were flat ground) with file cabinets and doors attached to the walls. Going from the very top to the very bottom, in the dead center, was a long metal pole, like a firemen pole. The floor they were on was the People section.
She had it in two categories: Whom I wish to kill, and whom I do not wish to kill.
One was much larger then the other. Guess which one.
The girls managed to escape the bag, and they all looked around in awe.
There were hundreds on Dominiques rushing around, apparently looking for something. They all seemed desperate.
The cart stopped, and all the girls filed out. They all crowded closely to each other, wondering if the term "safety in numbers" actually meant anything.
"We'll be back for you soon!" the hitchhiking Mme. Giry Clone model 3.50 called out happily before she and the random British man rushed off, leaving the students all alone in the perilous wilds of Dominique's brain.
"So…" Serey spoke up, breaking the silence. "We're all screwed, aren't we?"
Her head suddenly turned 90 degrees, revealing another head. "Well, aren't you the downer! Try to be optimistic!"
It turned another 90 degrees, banishing Sass and bringing Serey back again. "Well, exc-u-u-u-se me! I'm just stating the obvious!"
As the two-faced psychotic phangirl argued with her other half, all the other girls backed away, making, "They're crazy!" gestures in the air.
Mrs. Gerald Butler leaned over the rail and peered down into the deep obis, spying the blazing fire at the bottom. The 'memory deleter.'
"How about we split up, and then all meet back up again in the," she paused to squint and look at the name of a floor a couple feet under them, "Why My Mom Is Stupid floor?"
Everyone agreed, wanting to explore the miracle of the Phantomess mind.
Basket and her buddy Skipper/Brita/Girl Whose Name Is A Pain To Write quickly climbed up onto the rail, turned around, and hoisted themselves onto the floor above. They noticed a large and dusty door titled Lame Lectures From Dad.
Suddenly, they heard the hurried footsteps on the Inner Dominiques.
"Which one is it?" one called. Another responded.
"Look in the lectures floor!"
Realizing that being spotted spelled D-O-O-M for the students, the girls doubled back and scrambled up the rail again, going another floor up.
This one had a bunch of loose papers and a Pointless Movies door. They threw it open just in time to see a screen with two couches on it; green and white. The green sofa started talking.
"Ford?"
"Yes, Arthur?"
"I think I'm a sofa."
"I get that feeling."
The girls slammed the door shut before the pieces of furniture began screaming bloody freaking painful Hitcher/Gustave-caused murder.
FemmeLoki was having better (or worse, depending on your opinion) luck. She managed to pick the lock of one door labeled Retarded Music, and opened it.
But, alas, when she did, Sarah Brightman's voice filled the air! The poor girl doubled over in pain and began crawling away, trying to close it before the utter torment of Gerard Butler's singing, or Jessica Simpson, or even the horrors of NSYNC came next.
Supergirrl and BlackTippedRose were both rushing down the spiraling hell, being pursed by I.D. (Inner Dommis). They were soon caught, and thrown into the giant fire for being in a story they weren't allowed to be in.
ChildWritingProdigy (CWP) and Luckii.Jinx were standing in front of a barred, chained, and locked up door labeled Dominique's Kind Emotions. They were mildly amused by the fact that the door appeared to be made out of adamantium, and was about four inches tall.
Now, you see, Luckii was a bit of a pyro. She had a pack of dynamite in her back pocket with a button timer. She took the explosive out, and attached it to the door.
"Dare me to blow it up now and free the happy?" she asked her friend, CWP. The other girl shook her head.
"Nah. Let's wait until we're back in the real world, and we're in danger."
The two girls shook on it, and Luckii slipped the button back into her pocket, grinning evilly.
LostBluePhantom, who had managed to sedate Serey-Sass by hitting her with a mallet, was currently standing in front of a large door that seemed very cleaned, and had in big bold letters printed on it, My Idol.
"This could scar me forever," she mumbled quietly, but pushed it open anyway.
Inside was a live-action screen with a man walking around. He had scraggly hair, amazing blue eyes, and a cane. Another person, a doctor, seemed to be following him, saying along the lines of "does a light come on whenever I have food?". The man agreed sarcastically.
"Green light for food, orange for drinks, and black for improper thoughts. That last one burns out every few days."
Scarred for life, as she predicted, LostBluePhantom shut the door.
She was about to go wander again to find something less…disturbing, when a siren went off.
"We have intruders! They're spreading around!" An I.D. yelled, and suddenly all the phangirls were cured of whatever happened to them and went rushing to the Why My Mother Is Stupid floor, where the random little man and the Giry Clone waited.
"Hurry it up!" he called, honking the annoying horn, which sounded like a dying duck. "We have to go!"
All the girls hopped in, and the cart went off flying, managing to escape.
The alpha Inner Dommi slowly arrived at the floor the phangirls rushed off of.
"Did they escape?" she asked an official. The official nodded glumly.
"Did you catch any?"
"Two, ma'am. They've been disposed of."
"Good, good….did you find the Child Exterminator lecture?"
The official nodded.
"Even better. Put it into the main memory base. Let's get rid of that pest."
So the official scrambled off, holding the memory file in her hands tightly. She went to the big computer and shoved the paper file into the scanner, then pressed the "Scan" button.
----------
Unbeknownst to anyone, including LuckiiJinx, the button that controlled the explosives attached to the door of Kind Emotions had fallen from her pocket, and had magically made its way beneath the scan button.
For those of you who are kind of slow when it comes to reading, this meant that when the official Inner Dominique pressed the button that she thought would scan the memory, it actually set off the bomb that would destroy the door holding in Dominique's kind emotions.
The official couldn't have picked a worse time to hit the button, since as she pressed it, two characters tumbled from one of Supergirrl's other stories into this one. The two winged teenage girls were sparring, and the considerably smaller redhead was losing. Not willing to admit her defeat, she shot a huge bolt of lightning at the other girl, which missed and hit the School for Good Fanfiction Writing, causing all the lighting fixtures inside the building to explode and the power to go out.
The two hovered in the air, staring at the massive cloud of smoke that was billowing from the building. Without saying anything, the two turned and returned back to their own story to attend a meeting for their support group, called Teenage Girls With Guy Names, which had a grand total of three members: Will from W.i.t.c.h., Sam from Phantom Stallion, and Max from Maximum Ride. Her younger counterpart from the books 'When the Wind Blows' and 'The Lake House', the twelve-year-old Max, would be arriving today, and they were planning on initiating her into their society in a very cool ceremony involving creepy caves and chests of pirate gold they had stolen from a Disney prop truck. The support group meetings usually began with them whining about the difficulties of being a leader, then working their way up to a competition to see who had the hottest boyfriend (Usually Max won, with her two sexy male sidekicks, but lately Will had been winning, since Matt now had his dead-sexy Shagon morph.) Since Will and Max were the leaders, being the oldest-Even though Sam was actually two years older than Will, both girls suspected that she had sustained some sort of brain damage from repeatedly falling off her horse/being kicked in the head by aforementioned horse, so they lied and said that Will and Max were both sixteen, since they could both pass as being older, they had to get there early to get the pirate gold set up.
Anyway, since the power was out, no one noticed how Dominique and Rose both went into convulsions for about thirty seconds, then went back to normal, before Erik, having worked his way free of the chains, lit a match and held it in the air, illuminating the room.
Christine blinked at her husband's masked face that looked even creepier in the flame's light, before wordlessly pulling out her ring of keys and unlocking the door.
The two stepped out into the dark hallway, walking down towards the last known location of the students and their daughter hand-in-hand. Erik smiled at Christine, saying, "This kind of brings back memories, doesn't it?"
She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Because I really want to remember you hypnotizing me, kidnapping me, and dragging me down to your cave in a stupid sewer. My friend Christine from the original novel says that when she got kidnapped, her Erik had a house, and a whole bedroom for her, not just an ugly swan bed. Plus, she got to be blonde and pretty, and so was-"
Erik cut in, "Did she tell you about how I don't have a nose and smelled like death in the original novel?"
Giving him a distasteful look, she snapped back at him, " That would actually be an improvement. And besides, I thought I took all your matches away."
Erik was distracted, since he was trying to navigate through a dark hallway. "Yeah, you did confiscate, actually. You put them right next to Dominique's arsenic, and all my morphine. And the bombs, if I remember correctly."
Christine glared at him. Erik sighed, and muttered under his breath, "Oh, crap."
Meanwhile, the students were gently poking Dominique's body, not wanting to irritate her when she woke up.
Rose was being prodded far less gently, since she couldn't really inflict any damage. When it dawned on her that this wasn't working, LostBluePhantom shouted, "Look, it's Johnny Depp, coming this way without a shirt on!"
Almost immediately, both girls sat bolt upright, looking around desperately and asking, "Where is he?"
When Luckii.Jinx poked Rose one last time a bit too hard, Rose startled everyone by snarling, "Touch me again, and I'll throttle you with my bare hands! And when you're dead, I'll use your body as a desk and keep pencils in your nostrils!"
Everyone stared at Rose, at a complete loss for what to do.
The child growled, "What are you looking at, you giant freaks?"
Dominique patted Rose on the shoulder, and said in a soothing voice, "Rose, we must remember the value of all human life, and that violence is not the answer. I'm sure we'd all love to help Rose get on the path to eternal happiness and niceness, right, guys?" She smiled up at the students. They couldn't see her mouth through the veil, but the smile reached her eyes, which twinkled affectionately.
This was probably the most terrifying event that any student had ever witnessed.
None of them could speak, although Phantom of the Basket managed a squeak. Dominique said in the same soft, soothing voice, "And I would really appreciate it if you guys stopped calling me the Phantom of the Opera, and used my real title, the Long Lost Queen of Happy Rainbow Pony and Flower Land!"
With that, she pulled Rose into a tight hug. Rose struggled wildly, biting and clawing like an animal in her attempt to free herself.
Christine and Erik were still wandering through the hallway, unable to find the students or their daughter, mostly because neither of them were looking at where they were going. Instead, Christine was saying, "Erik, we really should stop and look at my map. Or ask directions, there has to be somewhere around here who knows how to find them."
Erik replied, "Christine, darling, I know exactly where we're going, there's no need to stop and look at your map."
She frowned. "That's odd, I have a strong feeling that we're going in circles."
Erik was not about to admit that he, the Phantom of the Opera, the Opera Ghost, the Red Death, Don Juan Triumphant, the self-declared King of the Underworld, could not find his way through a bunch of hallways, answered, "We are not lost, honey, and we are not going in circles."
Glancing at his match, he realized that it wouldn't last much longer, maybe another minute or two. He felt a tiny bit of worry pass through him; What if he couldn't get them out? Sighing, he said, "It's no use, the match is about to burn out."
Christine smiled sadly. "Erik, don't you know that love is always brightest in the dark?"
She leaned towards him, her mouth puckered up. Erik bent down, and suddenly, the match went out.
Almost immediately, dozens of blue crystals sprinkled across the ceiling lit up, and began to glow.
Christine pulled away from Erik, who groaned, before she said, "Wow, I'm glad I borrowed those from that Avatar show. They really come in handy."
Erik craned his neck, trying to read the message the glowing crystals spelled out. Speaking slowly, he read, "Your…..daughter…is….that way….you moron. Hey, I'm not a-"
Christine grabbed his arm and ran down the hallway in the direction that the sarcastic crystals were telling them to go.
They were not prepared for the scene that they encountered, which was their daughter wrapping the psychotic little child in a warm embrace, snuggling her like a long-lost sister.
The students were staring in horror, not sure what to do. Erik froze, wanting very much to barf his lungs up.
Christine, knowing the she was the only sane on in the room, pulled out her tranquilizer gun and fired off a round into both Dominique and Rose.
Dominique released Rose, and as the worried students crowded around them, she reached up, patting one on the cheek and saying in a dreamy voice, "I love you guys….I love you so much…"
Then, very faintly, she heard someone sing:
Who can make the sun rise?
Who can make the sun rise?
Sprinkle it with dew?
Sprinkle it with dew?
The Candy Man….
The Candy Man can!
The Candy Man….
The Candy Man can!
Dominique was skipping through a field of wildflowers, spinning around, with happy little bunnies and elves dancing in circles around her, with a few hopping mushrooms thrown in for good measure. Flowers rained from the sky, which was a shocking shade of pink. Purple and blue fireworks were going off in the distance, and butterflies flew around her, singing happy butterfly songs with pixies as back-up dancers. The bunnies and elves started a kick-line, dancing in time with the singing butterflies. Suddenly, one of the mushrooms leapt up into the air, morphed into one of her kittens, and grabbing a bunny, whacked her in the face with it.
Dominique passed out.
0o0o0o0o0o0
A/N: The Lady Phantom is kind. The Bundle of Sunshine isn't.
If you're reading this, that means you managed to survive the very long chapter above. You're starting out with Supergirrl again for the beginning of the next one, so shall we see what happens next?
PS: In order of mentioned: Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, House, W.I.T.C.H., Phantom Stallion, Maximum Ride, Pirates of the Caribbean, Avatar.
Review, or…Rose will…attack you…?