SingMyLullabySweet666: Well, I know it has been awhile... Wait. Don't I always start out like that? Wow! That's kinda pathetic. LOL Anyway, sorry I haven't updated in awhile. Oh well, you'll get over it soon enough. Not to be mean or anything like that. I've been busy and so have you, most likely.
Bakura: She's lying. Just look at what she did to me. She killed me in the first chapter.
SingMyLullabySweet666: Technically, I killed you in the second chapter.
Bakura: (sarcasm) Oh that's so reassuring.
SingMyLullabySweet666: It is.
Bakura: Yeah, and Yugi is a whore.
Yami: (glares)
Bakura: Fuck off Pharaoh.
SingMyLullabySweet666: Now, now children. We must set a good example for the readers.
Bakura & Yami: (gives Sing the bird)
SingMyLullabySweet666: (twitches) Well, here's the story. (rushes to kill both yami's.)
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Yu-gi-oh in any shape of form nor do I own the song Cold. The song rightfully belongs to Crossfade.
Warnings: Thoughts of suicide, language, sexual content (slight)
Italic thoughts
Bold and Italic Song Lyrics
My Secrets
Looking back at me
I see that I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong like a drug that gets me high
(Ryou's POV)
I didn't want to do this. I never wanted to do this. I never wanted to break. But it happened and that's all there is to it. I never wanted to fall so far down that no one could help me. I always thought that someone, anyone, would have my back but it seems that I was wrong. Oh so wrong. It's like the world has turned it's back on me embarrassed at what it sees. The world only sees a broken shell. A nothing. That's all anybody sees. I just don't understand. It never used to be like this. I was always so cheerful and so full of life that when I smiled I would light up the world, if only for a moment. But now, now it's so hard.
I can't take it. I never could. I was never the strong one. Bakura was. And Mailk. They were always the ones to hold their head up high in any situation they found themselves in. But then they fell. They feel so hard. It hurt. I hated watching the pain and suffering pass through Bakura's eyes like a hurricane. It made my heart ache. I couldn't stand it. It was all my fault too. I was responsible for his death. His death. Not suicide. It was death that ended his life quickly and it was all my fault. I drove him away. I drove him over the edge. The same way I killed Mailk. If Bakura hadn't died then the truth would have never come out. I don't know how it happened or why but I suddenly found myself lusting after my best friend. It scared me but entranced me all the more. I wanted him; craved him with the fiber of my being. I killed him too. I let him out after dark. I knew how dangerous it was but I also knew Mailk could take care of himself. I was wrong. He's dead and it's all my fault. I killed both of them.
I never expected it, though. They were tough, tougher than iron, tougher than steel; unbreakable; unyielding. I guess... I guess they just got sick of being the strong one for once. I guess they wanted to have someone come riding in on their white stallion to save them. Maybe they were waiting for me to save them. Maybe they plotted both incidents. Maybe. But I didn't help them when I should have. I let them die. It was all my fault. I should have never slept with Mailk in the first place. I should have left it alone. I shouldn't have tampered with faith. It was all my fault. I killed them. I didn't mean to. I swear I didn't. But I did.
Now I was swimming in darkness, lost to the world of living. It was so dark and cold, so lonely. I can't say it isn't unwanted. I deserve this. I deserve to have my body torn in half and shoved through a wood chipper. I deserved to rot in the lowest pits of hell for all eternity. It's what I deserved. Everything that was handed to me by faith. The self mutilation. The mental beatings. The putdowns. The... rape. Everything I deserved. It is my punishment and I will except it with open arms.
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
I just thought that for a moment; for a millisecond, that everything was going to be okay and that I didn't have to hurt anymore. I fell so low. Lower than dirt even. I did nothing but cause the ones I love, the ones that I vowed my life to, I caused them nothing but pain and suffering. I hate myself for it. It irks me so much. Damn it, why did everything turn out so wrong? What the hell did I do to deserve this? What the hell did Bakura and Mailk do to deserve to die? Why Ra, why? I loved them, both of them with all my heart and you had to take them away. Were you just playing with me? Did you like causing me heart ache? Was it enjoyably? Did you laugh as you watch me break from the inside out? Was it? Did you like toying with me? Did you? You fucking bastard. I bet you got a kick out of giving me something precious and then taking it away just as quickly.
I hate you. I hate everything about you. Your power. Your control. You represent everything I ever wanted to be. All I ever wanted to do. I only wanted to be somebody my family could be proud of. All I ever wanted to do was have my little sister look up to me. I only wanted to guide her through her tough times. I never wanted all of this. I would trade it all away in a heart beat to have everything back to normal. I would. But I can't and for that, I blame you. You took everything from me. My sister, my mother, Bakura, Mailk; you even had the nerve to take my friends away from me so that I was completely alone. I blame you for everything. You killed them all. Every last one of them. You murdered my family and my lovers and you turned my friends against me. Some god you are. I blame you for every little mistake.
I also blame him, my father. He was always a gentle person. He was kind in spirit and mind. Always had the right thing to say. Then they died. Mother and sister. He changed. He couldn't look at me afterwards. After the crash that is. I was the only one to survive. I was the only one to walk away from the pile up with minor cuts and bruises. I was. Not them. He wouldn't look me in the eyes. He couldn't. When he did, all he saw was someone who didn't deserve to live. Someone who should have died. Someone who should be dead. Why did I survive? Why not mother? Or Amane? Why did I step away from the accident with nothing more than a bad memory? Then he sent me to live with my grandparents. That's how I ended up here. They did shortly after I arrived. I was scared but I buried their bodies in the back yard. Nobody ever found out. It's funny now that you think about it. In a way. He would send money so I wouldn't starved to death but heaven bid he ever pick up the phone and call me, his only son. I guess he didn't have the courage. I don't think he had the guts to. Not after sending me away. Asshole.
I too, changed. I grew stronger, less dependant on everyone around me. Less dependant on the world. I grew stronger in mind. I also grew stronger in the body. After all, I was the main target for bullying. It just never occurred to me exactly how much I had changed. I think I finally realized just how much when I slept with Mailk. I let him kiss me. And I kissed him back. I let him lift my shirt over my head. And I moaned in encouragement. I let Mailk touch me in ways I loved being touched. And I spread my legs for him. I let Mailk shove his dick in me like some fucking rag doll. I let him fuck me. I did. And I loved every god damn minute of it. After he was finished and had dozed off, I realized that I had changed so much. I was growing cold. I didn't give a flying fuck that I had just cheated on Bakura. It never came to my mind until afterwards. I didn't take to consideration on what Bakura would have to say about all of this. Frankly, I did care. I grew cold and I loved it. It was power under my finger tips. Now it is nothing more than a curse.
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
I hate it. All of it. The emotions I feel. The tears I have yet to cry. It's pissing me off. I'm about to lose it and I hate it. What I hate the most of all though, oh that, that is easy. I hate myself more than anything in the world. I hate my waist length, raven black hair. I hate my icy, chocolate brown eyes. I hate my mouth that never seems to smile anymore. I hate how my features never stray from the cold and heartless mask that it shows. I hate my body that is slightly masculine but skinny and feminine. I hate me height and I hate my looks. I hate how I dress and I hate how I don't give a shit. I hate how I can't show emotions anymore. I hate being this robot. I hate not being able to smile. I hate being hated. I hate how I walk. I hate how I talk. I hate my voice and all the harsh words that come from it. I hate my life and everything about it. I hate being like this. I hate being a machine to those who want to use me. I hate being used and tossed away. I hate having to bottle up my emotions inside of me. I hate my word choice. I hate feeling lonely at night and having no one to talk to. I hate feeling depressed during the day. I hate not being able to open up to people. I hate living like this. I hate saying the wrong things to my friends. I hate how I hurt others and laugh in their faces. I hate how I turn away from Yugi when he asks me what's wrong. I hate feeling like this. Most of all, though, I hate not being able to change me ways and it bugs the shit out of me. I hate being me. Sad, to hate so much about you that you just want to die. That's all I want. To swim in the darkness for all eternity.
Sometimes... Sometimes I wish I would just lie down to sleep one night and never wake up. Sometimes it seems it would be better that way. I know I must sound like some mental case but that isn't the case. I really just wanna lie down in a gutter somewhere and die. I don't want to breath anymore. I not worthy of this life. I should be dead by now. Sometimes that's all I can think about and then I get so depressed that I take a knife to my arms, to my legs... To my heart. I deserve it. I killed everybody that ever gave a flying fuck. Now, all I want to do is repent for my sins.
Bakura. Bakura. That's all that runs through my mind at the moment. Why? Why did I have to break you? Why did I hurt you? Why didn't I ever tell you how much you meant to me? Why didn't I open up? You did. At least you tried to help our relationship blossom. All I did was push you away and tell you that I was fine or that I was "going out for a drink". Why did I have to betray you the way I did. How could you put up with all the shit I threw at you? Why did you even put up with me? Why did you stay with me for so long. I... Sometimes I wonder if you secretly knew what I was doing. I still wonder that to this very day. Did you? Did you know what I was doing behind your back, behind closed doors? Bakura. I never meant to be so cold to you. I didn't. I just wanted to show you how much I loved you but I couldn't even do that. I guess I don't blame you for giving up. I guess I would do the same thing if put into that type of situation.
Mailk. Why did you put up with my two timing self? Didn't you ever grow bored of being my shadow lover, my secret. Didn't it ever piss you off? It would if it were me. I would be hurt but I would mostly feel enraged. That is, if I could feel at all. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if you were still alive. Would I be happy? Would the world only revolve around us? Would we even still be together? Would we be still dating? Married? Engaged? It makes my heart ache to know that you never had the chance to fully live. And it is all my fault. I let you die. I let you. It was all my fault and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. If you were alive today, would you forgive for the mistakes I have made? Would you? Did you even care? Didn't it hurt to be used for sex only and when I was done, thrown away like some forgotten toy?
I apologize to you Bakura... Mailk. Both of you deserve so much more than I could have given either of you. I only paid attention to what I wanted, to my feelings and no one else's. I guess that that was my ultimate demise. I apologize for using you at my expense. I apologize for deserting you when you needed me the most. I apologize for every single flaw that I carry around with me. I'm so sorry. Forgive me.
Cold to you, I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You can see me stand on my own again cause now I can see
You are the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
Is this the feeling that I need to walk with? Tell me why, I can't be there where you are. There's something missing in my heart. My life goes on as if it never ends. It's a never ending void of darkness, of sin. Greed. Lust. Wrath. All of them. There all spinning out of control and it's driving me over the edge. It's nothing but a large black tunnel spinning around in circles, tossing my thoughts into a whirl wind. It gets to me after time and when it becomes too much, I simply let go. I fall. I fall so far down into the darkness that no one can save me. It frightens me. Nearly gives me a heart attack. Sometimes, the darkness will eat away at me for days on end. When that happens, seconds turn to minutes. Minutes turn to hours. Hours into days, days into years, and years turn into a long eternity of nothingness. I'm suffocating in the darkness and I wonder if anyone has ever noticed before.
These are the thoughts that constantly run through my head. They plague me day by day, night after agonizing night. It amazes me that I'm even here today. After all the small nicks and cuts that run deep like the Nile River, I always wonder how I have managed to live for so long. I would how in the hell I put up with myself for all these years since the accident. I wonder if my life will ever be the same. But, I know it won't. I don't deserve to happily. Not after what I have done. Not after everything I have did or said to make someone on the inside. I... I just want this all to be over. I don't want to live anymore.
I don't want to live anymore!
I don't want to live anymore!
I don't want to live anymore!
I DON'T WANT TO LIVED ANYMORE!
(Normal POV)
Ryou's body twitched with life as a small groan of suffering escaped his parted lips. First it was the fingers to jerk with motion, then the arms, then the legs, and finally the entire body twitched. Chocolate brown eyes snapped open; they were so full of panic, depression, and rage. Ryou quickly sat up with tears of anger poring out of his eyes.
"I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" bellowed Ryou, his voice of panic bounced off the walls like rubber balls. Afterwards, his chest heaved up and down as his lungs desperately tried to regain the oxygen it was deprived off. It was difficult as Ryou's shoulder shook heavily with broken sobs. Ryou lied back down on the bed and curled into a fetal position. He wrapped his mutilated arms around his knees that he pulled up to his chest. Ryou sobbed into them, allowing the hot tears that poured from his eyes to be absorbed by the rough material of his jeans. His raven hair spilled over his face like a waterfall and was caked with dry blood.
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
Hours ticked by and night soon disappeared into day, allowing the bright hot pink sun to peek through the white, fluffy clouds. The horizon was painted bright red with a golden out line, it looked as if someone had spilled an entire bucket of red bucket of red pain into the sky. Birds were unusually quite that morning and the only sounds to be heard in the house were Ryou's sobs and the sound of traffic passing by his house on a near by highway.
Ryou sobs finally died down around six in the morning. Roughly dry his red, puffy eyes with the back of his night shirt, Ryou sat up in his king sized bed and sniffed a little. His eyes traveled to the blood stains that littered his sheets and comforter. Heaving a heavy sigh, Ryou stood from the bed and began to strip the sheets from his bed. He threw them into the laundry basket in the north corner of his large bedroom before putting on spare ones from the closet. With that done, Ryou walked into the bathroom to take a shower but as he passed the mirror, he decided against it.
Instead, Ryou walked into his walk-in closet and pulled random cloths off the hangers. He quickly changed his outfit and placed his bloody cloths in the trash can as he passed by it. Slowly, Ryou made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen for something to eat but the very thought of food made his stomach churn. So, Ryou settled on some coffee. He sat at his lonely island with a cup of black coffee; plain, just the way he liked it.
For sometime, Ryou sat at the island sipping on his coffee and starring off into space. His eyes were dull and listless, seeming more like a corpse than a living human. He thoughts ran ramped in his head until a loud, continuous ringing echoed throughout the house. Ryou slowly looked over at the phone before standing unsteadily to his feet. Ryou dragged himself over to the phone and placed a pale shaky hand on the pack receiver. He hesitated for a moment before picking it up and placing it at his ear.
Phone Conversation
Ryou Normal Font
David Italic
"Hello," answered Ryou in a tried voice that was laced with tension and tears. The line was silent for a moment before a deep male voice spoke over the phone.
"Ryou, it's me, David. How are you feeling?"
Ryou thought for a moment. Did he really want to tell David everything? Did he want to tell David that he was raped by some fucking stranger on the street? Did he want to reveal to David his personal thoughts and his secrets?
"You there Ryou?"
"Yeah, I'm still here. I was just thinking, got a fucking problem with that?"
"No. I was just making sure you didn't hang up on me."
"If I did hang up on you fucklard, you would hear a constant beeping noise, dumbass."
"What the hell is your problem? Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?"
"No, I just don't like you."
"Your such a bastard Ryou, you know that."
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so, cold
"I know but you love the way I talk dirty."
(Laughing) "You know I do, baby."
"Don't call me baby!"
"Bitchy today, aren't we."
"What the hell do you want?"
"I just want to make sure you are alright."
"Why?"
"I saw the way you looked last night. Something happened to you. What, I wouldn't know. But it scared me to see you in that condition. So, what happened?"
"None of your god damn business!"
"Tell me. I might be able to help you."
"I said no! And what the hell makes you think I want your help?"
"Please Ryou. Tell me. You'll feel better if you did."
"Bite me jackass! I ain't tellin' you nothin'! Got that? Not a damn thing."
"Why do you have to be so fucking difficult? All I want to do is help you and you throw it back in my face like it means nothing to you. Is that it? Am I nothing to you. I know you don't love but I love you and there isn't a damn thing you can do to change that. All I want is for you to be happy. I want to help but I can't do that when you keep pushing me away! God damn it Ryou, is any of this getting through to you?"
Silence grew thick as David finished his statement. It was like a shield, strong enough to protect but easy enough to brake. It grew thicker with each passing moment as neither wanted to be the one to brake the silence. Finally, after two minutes, the sound of Ryou sobbing into the phone snapped both back to the present.
"Ryou? Ryou, are you okay?" David's voice sounded worried and concerned for his want to be lover. Ryou only sobbed harder into the receiver. "Would you like me to come over? I will if you want me to." nothing answered back besides the heart wrenching sobs that tore from Ryou's weak body.
"Ryou?"
Still nothing.
"Ryou?" David said with a little more volume.
"Just leave me the hell alone!" and with that, Ryou slammed the phone into the opposing wall. The plastic receiver shattered into a million none repairable pieces. A scream of self loathing came forth from Ryou as his body collapsed into a broken heap of nothing on the kitchen tile floor. For the second time that day, Ryou cried his heart out. He continued to do so until he was out of tears to cry anymore. But he lied on the floor until that night before standing up and rampaging throughout the house. He torn pictures from the wall and tipped over furniture. Mirrors shattered into pieces from objects that were thrown carelessly about the rooms. The computer smashed to the floor with a sickening thud and the speakers were slammed into the wall with enough force to put small dents.
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep it always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
(Ryou's POV)
Why? Why am I so cruel to the only one that wanted to help me. That's all he wanted. He never asked for much but I was too stubborn to give in and admit that I need his help. I'm so pathetic. So pathetic. He only wanted to help me through my tough times. All he ever wanted to do was make me happy. He didn't mean any harm. None at all but I threw it all in his face, lying to him. I lied to him. To David. I didn't mean to. All he wanted to do was love me and maybe have me return that love.
I... I don't think I can take it anymore. If I don't open up soon, I'll be the one to be buried six feet under and having everyone talk about me. Saying "he was always so kind," or "I wonder why he killed himself". It frightens me every time the thought arrives in my mind but it seems so perfect. I can hide my feelings anymore. It hurts too much to let it all be bottled up any longer. If I don't get help now then I never will. I don't want to end up as some nameless face in the news paper saying "Teenage boy ends his life because he was a pussy". I know that that's what they'll think of me. That's what they say about me. That I wasn't strong enough. That I was weak and should have never been born. That's what they will say and I know it. It scares me but at the same time it entrances me. I don't want to live but I don't want to die either.
There's no stopping this. These emotions of mine that will run a rampage throughout my mind if I don't get help soon. If not from David then maybe Yugi or a counselor. I just... It's so hard to continue live like this. Too hard. I don't want to live anymore. I'm tired of being cold and cruel to everybody who wants to help me. I' so sick of being me.
These are the secrets I keep locked up inside of me. On day they'll over flow and cause me to have a mental breakdown. I can't let it get that far. I have to get help. Or I might lose to the darkness once and for all.
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
SingMyLullabySweet666: Well, that's the chapter. I know that there wasn't much action and what not but this chapter is mainly focusing on Ryou's thoughts, feelings, and secrets that he keeps to himself.
Ryou: Some thoughts you gave me.
SingMyLullabySweet666: You'll live. Anyway, I hope you liked it. R&R if ya want to.