SingMyLullabySweet666: Well, I know it's been forever since I last updated and I'm really sorry about that. I do have a life, though. Anyway, I hope you like my new chapter. I'll try to start updating more often.
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Yu-Gi-Oh in any shape or form. I also do not own the song lyrics. They belong to The Veronicas.
Song Name: Heavily Broken
Chapter Warnings: thoughts of suicide, heavy language, gore, depression.
Italic thoughts
Normal story
Bold Dave during a phone conversation, and changes in POV.
Bold and Italic Song lyrics
Broken Glass
(Ryou's POV)
Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And I'll just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again, it'll never end
I can feel it, seeping into my veins, rushing to my heart, only to cloud my thoughts and dreams with its darkness. It sits in the back of my mind, feeding off of my self doubt and loathing. It's like a mind altering device; it controls your every thought, your every move, it controls you. It has you completely under its spell and there isn't anything you can do to escape it. It's always there, waiting… watching you from a safe distance. As it slowly consumes you, you can hear it breathing down your neck, laughing at your rage and self hating. That's what it does; it lives only to cause you suffering. The more you suffer, the easier it is to control you. It has a name…. Temptation. Oh how it loves to feed off your inner demons and turn your world up side down. It wants you to give in, and with it controlling your mind, it's what you want to do as well. You want to give in to the darkness, the hate, the self loathing….. The pain. Yet, you fight it and what happens? Temptation pulls harder. It'll keep pulling at the corners of your mind until you finally place the sharp edge of the knife to your skin. It won't stop until you silence it, until you spill your own blood in order to make it stop. That's what it wants. For you to surrender all of your will power to the darkness until you finally crack. Until you finally brake, until your broken. Then, when it is all said and done, you are left to wander the darkness for all eternity. Temptation, a deadly sin indeed.
That's what I feel most of the time. I just want to put a gun to my head and silence the screaming demons forever. I just want to give up and let go of the thread that I have been hanging onto for so long. I know that on one would care, hell why should they? I have done nothing for them except to cause them so much emotional and sometimes physical pain. I'm nothing more than a nuisance to them and it would do them well to finally be rid of me. I wouldn't blame them if they let my body rot on the side of the road in a ditch some where. It's what I deserve.
My demons…. They scream at me, tell me things that I already know, but don't want to hear. Everything they say is true, and it tears at what little is left of my heart to hear them everyday. "Go on, cut yourself, it will make you feel better." "Nobody cares about you." "You're worthless, lower than trash even." "The world would be better off without you." "Nobody wants you alive any more." "You killed Bakura! You don't deserve to live!" "Come on, just one little cut. What can it hurt?" "You know you want to." "Go on, give up. You can't make it in the world anyways." "You're just a nuisance to everybody." "You get in the way of their happiness. You should just end it now."
Their voices echo inside my head, haunting me every hour of the day. The scream at me to give it all up, to just let go and prove to the others how weak I am. They would like that, wouldn't they? The sick twisted bastards! Yet, I can't help but agreeing with them. I don't desire to live; I have no reason for it. I should just place to knife to my vein and let go. No one will care if I die, no one loves me. I'm all alone. So maybe I should cut just one more time, and watch in a trance as the crimson liquid flows out of my body. Maybe then, I will be at peace.
At night, when I lay my head into my soft pillow, the voices grow louder. It's like they have a body of their own, and they're standing next to me. When I finally drift into the darkness of my dreams, they're still their. In the back of my mind, hissing at me to let go. They even invade my dreams and shower me with pictures of my mutilated arms. I watch in fascination as the life flows right out of me. I don't fear the dreams as I should, instead, I welcome them. It some sick demented way, I want it. I crave the dreams of blood and tears. And when I wake in the morning, the urge to cut myself is stronger than ever. Sometimes I try to fight it, but end up giving into temptation in the end. Other times, I rush to the bathroom and grab the nearest object that's sharp. I place it against my scarred arm and drag it until it bleeds. I sit there, razor in hand, as the blood flows free and an overwhelming since of peace consumes me. In these moments, I know that I am broken and that there is no hope of me ever leaving this world with a happy smile on my face.
It's at that moment….. That I don't know what to do or who to go to. Maybe that's what scares me the most.
I sat in my living room on the floor, looking around at the mess I had made. I couldn't bring myself to car enough to clean it up. The overturned couch sat in the middle of the room, taking up most of the room for walking. The light blue carpet was littered with shattered pieces of glass from various objects. The mirror that hung on the southwest wall had been torn from its place and thrown careless across the room to the opposite wall. It had shattered at impact. The Victorian style coffee table lay in pieces in different places in the room. The plasma screen television that I had once prided myself in owning now lay with its back facing the ceiling at the screen punctured with many, many holes. Potted plants had been torn from their vases and dirt and blood smeared the once white walls. A few bricks lay about the room from where I had smashed the fireplace with a slug hammer not to long ago. The surround sound had been ripped off the walls and thrown in various directions, some leaving holes in the wall.
As I took in all the damage that had been done by my fit of rage, it occurred to me that I had no problem with what I had just done. The fact that I had become so numb to everything was the main reason why I couldn't give a rat's ass about anything that I had broken. As my tired eyes glanced around the room once more, they came to rest on an untouched picture. My chocolate eyes filled with pain and anguish as I took a closer look at the picture. It was a picture of Bakura and me at the county fair. The temperature had dropped suddenly causing Bakura to snuggle under the blanket with me. I had been so happy that Bakura was being openly affectionate with me. If I recall correctly, it had been Tea who took the picture. Bakura had been furious until I told him that I would buy him some Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. He calmed down afterwards….. The picture had been taken just a few moments before I killed him.
Hissing in anger, I picked up the closet thing I could and hurled it at the picture. The pen bounced off of the picture frame and landed without a sound of the carpet. My anger grew and before you knew it, I was hurtling random objects at the picture, each time I missed it. Finally, with a scream of rage and anguish, I stood up from my place and ran over to the picture frame. Raising my fist high above me head, I hesitated with a wild look in my eyes. I wanted to smash the picture frame into a thousand pieces and then burn the picture afterwards. I want nothing more than to rid the house of Bakura, I wanted to forget my sins and what I have done….. Yet, I couldn't. I couldn't do it.
My arm dropped lifeless down to my side as I bowed my head. I tried to stop the tears that threatened to come lose. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I didn't….. I didn't have to strength anymore. I was too far gone.
"DAMN YOU BAKURA! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME! WHY!" I screamed out in pain as I feel to my knees, my arms wrapping around my body as the sobs shook my slender and frail frame. I hunched over as if someone had punched me in the gut and started to sob all over again. My tired and numb eyes over flowed with tears of regret and pain once more as the memories came flooding back to me. "Why?" I sobbed out numerous times, waiting for an answer that would never come.
I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
(Dave's POV)
My car screeched to a stop in front of Ryou's house. All the lights were off except the one coming from the living room. I hurriedly got out of my car and ran up the walk way to Ryou's home. To impatient and worried for the raven haired man, I walked directly into the house without knocking. I froze in shock at what I saw. It looked as it a tornado had gone through out the whole house. Holes littered the wall, mud and blood stained the hard woods floors as well as the carpets. Furniture was over turned and some lied in ruins at my feet. Glass littered the floor of the house and so did numerous photos and picture frames.
Damn it, Ryou! What the in the hell happened here? What did you do? Why? My mind raced with many scenarios as to what happened, not one of them did I like. Sighing in agitation, I ran towards the living room, stepping over furniture and large pieces of broken glass. My eyes scanned the rooms as I passed them by, taking in the damage that had been done.
As I finally entered the living room, I spotted my love huddled over and sobbing. A pang of anguish stabbed at my heart as I took in the site of Ryou. He looked even worse off than he did when I dropped him off yesterday. His waist length, raven hair look disheveled and lay in different directions on his head. His white wife beater was stained with dirt and blood. The gauze that was wrapped rather loosely over his arms where also stained with blood which cause me to cringe as I took in the site. His black jeans were covered in holes from all the broken glass. His lithe body shook with sobs and I could see the tears that rolled down his flushed cheeks. I smiled sadly at the site before me. Sighing, I walked over to Ryou and kneeled down before him. Placing my hand on his shaking shoulder, I gently squeezed it. Ryou's body jerked in surprise before he shrugged my hand off his shoulder and stood up. His arm viciously rubbed away his tears before he glared down at me.
"What the hell do you want," Ryou hissed, his voice cracking from the tears he held back.
"I wanted to make sure you were alright," I said and got a sneer in return. Ryou took a shaky breath and glared hard at me. I shivered from the hate that radiated off of Ryou's body. He may have just been crying but his glares could still freeze me to the core.
"I'm fine, now fuck off," Ryou answered and crossed his arms over his small chest. My eyes narrowed his anger before I stood up to my full height.
"Well from I can tell, you're not fine. In fact, if I had to guess, you're far from it," I hissed out in anger. Ryou's eyes narrowed further in rage. He uncrossed his arms and made a grab for the collar of my shirt. I swiftly side stepped and turned to face Ryou once more.
"What the hell makes you think that you have to right to judge me in my own god damn house?"
"I wasn't judging you. I was merely telling that I think you are NOT fine, that you are far from it and that you should talk to me because I care about you. I want to help you Ryou, why can't you understand that," I pleaded with Ryou but he only sneered before storming out of the room and up the stairs. Sighing, I quickly followed him. Just as Ryou was about to close the door to his room, I placed my hand against the door and shoved back until I was able to gain access to the room. Ryou hissed in rage but did nothing more than sit on his unmade bed.
"What in the hell make you think I want your fucking help?" Ryou questioned as he cracked his back. His hardened chocolate brown eyes never left mine.
"Because your house is a wreck, you're covered in blood, you have bandages around your arms covered in blood that could only come from one thing, and by the fact that you were sobbing your heart out when I found you," I replied as I pulled up the chair from the computer desk. I plopped down on it so that I was still facing Ryou.
"For your information, I'm redecorating my house," Ryou replied, his voice cold and heavy with rage.
"Sure you are….. What about the blood? What's your excuse for that?"
"I cut myself on the glass."
"Oh really, how nice. And the bandages?"
"It's a new fashion statement. Why? Don't like it? Well, tough shit asshole," Ryou hissed. I felt the anger boiling up inside of me, ready to over flow at any moment.
With an emotionless voice I hiss out, "What about you sobbing when I found you? What's your fucking lame ass excuse for that? What, did you see a spider? Did you break something you didn't want to? Tell me, am I getting warm? Huh, Ryou, am I? Or is it the fact that you feel guilty for Bakura's death? Is that it? Or is it the fact that you all alone in this world and you can't stand it? You feel yourself slipping away and you can't take it anymore. You just want to let go of everything and fade away into nothing. Is that it? Am I close Ryou? Well, am I! Did I hit the nail on the head! Well, damn it, am I right! ANSWER ME RYOU! AM I RIGHT?"
Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again, it doesn't end
"Shut up….." Ryou mumbled, hic voice thin and cold. My eyes narrowed at my answer before I pushed harder.
"Come on Ryou, why can't you tell me? Are you embarrassed? Are you pissed off because you know that I'm right and you just can't stand the fact that your lies won't work on me? Well, answer me," I replied as I leaned forward in my chair. Ryou's head was bowed, his hair falling over his face, preventing me from reading his expression.
"I said shut up…….." Ryou hissed once more. I shivered from the fear as his fist clenched at his side, his voice icy cold and dangerously low.
"No, I won't shut up. Not until you answer me."
"Shut….. up……"
"I said no Ryou! Answer me! Am I right?"
"I fucking said to shut the hell up!" the anger exploded finally as I stood from chair. The chair was sent sliding into the bedroom door, slamming it shut with a loud bang. The floor vibrated from the force.
"NO, GOD DAMN IT! I WON'T SHUT UP! NOT UNTIL YOU ANSWER ME! AM I RIGHT? AM I! ANSWER ME DAMN IT! ANSWER ME!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I glared at Ryou's figure as it shook with rage. He slowly looked up at me, his eyes hard and cold. A shiver once again ran up my spine but I refused to move. Ryou stood up from his place on the bed before he swiftly landed a right hook on my cheek. I stumbled backwards in surprised and from the force of the impact. Who knew Ryou could hit so hard?
Tears poured out of Ryou's eyes before he lowered his head again, once more masking his expression with his hair. His shoulders shook with suppressed sobs as he just stood there. Minutes ticked by before he finally said anything.
"Why in the hell do you care?" Ryou asked, his voice small and vulnerable. I sighed before taking Ryou's small form in my arms. His tears soaked into my red shirt and he held onto me with desperation, like I would disappear at any moment. His sobs came harder as I help him tightly against my lean figure. I softly kissed Ryou's forehead when he looked up at me with those pitiful brown eyes. I smiled sadly at him before pulling him even tighter to my form.
"You know why I care, Ryou. I have told you so many times, but each time you never listen to me. I love you, so much that it hurts. I want to be with you, I want to have something with you, but every time I try to get near you, you always push me away. Ever since my wife ran off and left me to care for Lori all on mine own, I've been scared and lonely. I didn't want my daughter to grow up without her mother, but what choice did I have. She left me and I couldn't stop her. It was my fault that she left and now Lori has to pay for it. I want the best for my daughter, but to do that I had to give up dating and messing around with others. She was my number one priority, she still is. I care for her so much, and she means the world to me. So, in order to make her happy, I stayed away from others and isolated my self.
"Then I met you. When I first looked at you, I saw a weak and helpless teenage boy. You were just sitting there in the graveyard, talking to a tombstone. I thought you crazy and pathetic for holding onto the past for so long. I took you in and taught you the art of selling drugs. I showed you the hottest places in town for dealings, and how not to get caught by the police. You caught on so quick that I was surprise. I also noticed that you changed over the time that I have known you. First, it was your cloths that changed. You started to wear dark, depressing colors. You hardly wore the bright colors you used to wear. You stuck to the dark reds, the crimsons, and black. It was rare to ever see you in the blues, yellows, and whites that I first saw you in. Then, you died your hair from the beautiful shiver ocean that it once was to a black void stained with blood. I can't say that I don't like it, because I do, but it was only another sign of your downward fall. Finally, your attitude changed completely. You were no longer the depressed, lonely, and anguished guy I first met. You no longer smiled when you saw me or when I brought Lori over to visit you. It was the final notice of how far you fell from grace. Instead, you turned into this cold, distant, depressed, anguished hot guy……. And it's my entire fault.
"If I hadn't pushed you into changing, or if I hadn't found you at all, you would be in this situation right now. You probably when have been wrapped securely in the arms of a person who is worthy of you and your love. You would have had this big smile on your face and would have been happy. If I hadn't tried to make you love me like I do you, then you could have been free from all this torment. Damn it Ryou, I fucked up again and I'm so, so sorry." I said, the feeling of loneliness and anger filled my heart. I was hurting Ryou like I had done to Jennifer, Lori's mother. Damn it, why can't I do anything right? Why do I have to mess with people's lives?
I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
Sucking in a shaky breath, I continued, "I tried my hardest not to love you Ryou, I really have. I told myself that you weren't worth it, that you weren't worth my effort or my love. I told myself that I didn't want some weakling for a lover. I told myself that I wasn't gay. I did everything under the moon, I even thought about finding Jennifer to try and get back together again. Every time I thought about her, I felt rage and sadness fill my heart but when my thoughts drifted to you at night, my heart swelled with wanton, love, and god I don't even have the words for what I feel for you.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I want you Ryou, and so much that I am willing to give up my life for you. I love you, and I just hope that I haven't caused you too much pain. I just hope that I haven't broken; pray that I haven't shattered you into non-fixable pieces." I finished and I could feel Ryou's form shake against mine from his sobs.
My own tears came to my eyes and I tried hard not to let the free, but I couldn't stop them. The overwhelming sense of anguish had finally won and I sobbed right along with the love of my life. Slowly, I detached Ryou from my form and laid him down on his bed. I placed a finally kiss on his forehead before quickly strolled out of the room and down the stairs. Pausing, I looked back over my shoulder, praying that Ryou would be there, ready to stop me from leaving. Sadly, it was only a wish. I could hear Ryou's half sobs half screams as I exited the house and went to my car. Quickly, I got in and started the engine. Without putting on my seatbelt, I placed the car in drive and sped off from Ryou's house for the last time. The tears were still coming down my face, blurring every my vision.
Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air (screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care
I blew through stop signs and stop lights. It was late at night so no one was really out on the streets. The very few people that I sped by did nothing but honk and shout angrily out their window at me, or flip me the bird. I paid no attention to them as I quickly made my may back home. My vision still blurred with tears, I accelerated even more until I had reach the speed of eighty-five in a fifty mile hour zone. The engine of my car purred loudly, the sound ringing in my ears. I continued to fly through intersections and blow stop signs without much thought at all.
I reached my hand up and wiped my eyes. I pushed down the sob that burned at the back of my throat. Pushing on the gas even more, I approached another intersection. I was just starting to pull through it when another car from the right pulled out in front of me. My eyes widen in surprise before my body reacted and I slammed on the brakes. The car was just making the turn when the sound of metal hitting metal rang throughout my ears. Smoke filled my lungs and my body jerked against the steering wheel before bouncing off and slamming back into my seat. When it was finally over, the only I saw before everything went dark was a black civic pulling up to the seen of the crime….. Ryou's Honda civic. The world fell black around me and all was silent.
I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move (what can I do?)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
(Ryou's POV)
As I drove up to the scene of the crash, my body shook with fear. Oh god, David. Please be okay, please. I can't lose you as well. I just can't. I love you……. I admit it now…… I love you so much. I can't take it if I lost you as well. I already killed my other lovers, I can't bare the thought of killing you to. You have to pull through this, you stubborn asshole, you have to!
I jumped out of my car and ran to check on the driver of the other vehicle. As I looked inside, I felt an overwhelming sadness creeping up into my stomach. The driver looked to be okay, but his passenger, his wife apparently, didn't look so good. She was also pregnant from the swell of her stomach. In the back seat of the four door Sedan was a small child, who appeared no older that seven. The child looked unconscious from where I was standing, and she most likely was.
"Are you okay?" I forced out, not really caring about their well-being at the moment. My mind was set on David. I had to make sure he was alright, I had to know.
"I'm fine, but I'm not sure about my family," the man responded and I nodded my head. The man climbed out threw his window after he found out his door wouldn't open. The man pulled out a call phone and went to check on his family. I quickly took off towards David's car. Well, what was left out it anyways. The corvette was missing the front of the car and the door was bashed it. The window to the driver's side and the front were completely shattered. The car was nothing more than a mangled mess of metal. I looked inside of the car only to find it empty. Fear grasped at my insides and chocked me as I looked around for David.
I was near tears when I finally spotted his body lying in the middle of the street. I felt a sob rise in my throat as I went to check on him. I knelt down next to the body and felt his neck for a pulse. I felt like jumping for joy when I found one, although it was weak. I lifted David's head and placed it in my lap, brushing a few stray bands from his face. I couldn't hold it back any longer and finally let out a sob. Lowering my head, I began to whisper in David's ear.
"You better pull through this you asshole. You better not leave me, not after you just proclaimed your undying love for me. Not before I can tell you that…… I love you, too. I really do. And if you don't make it, I come to the after life and I will kick your sorry ass. Do you understand me?" I whispered brokenly to the still form in my arms.
I felt David shift a little before his eyes opened slightly and looked at me. Though, they were hazy, I could see the love radiate through them. I smiled and kissed his forehead like he had done so many times for me.
"I love you," I whispered and David smiled gently up at me before his eyes rolled in the back of his head once more. I sobbed loudly as the distant wails of sirens reached my ears. David was going to be okay…. He just had to.
(Normal POV)
When the cops finally reached them, they found the family all out of the mangled Sedan and safely on the sidewalk. A few rescue workers aided them and loaded the child and wife into an ambulance. The quickly shipped them off to the hospital for treatment.
They spotted Ryou soon after, sobbing softly over David's motionless body in a pile of broken glass.
I'm heavily broken (heavily broken)
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move (what can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
I'm heavily broken
I'm heavily broken
SingMyLullabySweet666: Well, I hope you liked it. I worked really hard on it. It's not the way I had picture it to end but I'm still very pleased with it. Well, read and review please.