SingMyLullabySweet666: Well, here is the 'good ending' chapter of this story… The alternate ending. I really hope you enjoy this chapter because it was hard to think of something to write for this but I'm fairly pleased with it. Anyway, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Yu-Gi-Oh in any shape or form. I also do not own the song lyrics. The song, Here We Are, is respectfully by Breaking Benjamin and is forever theirs. I make no money of this…. Sadly.
Chapter Warning(s): Cursing, Angst, Slight mention of drinking and drugs, Cutting
Chapter Rating: R
Notes
Regular Story
Italic Thoughts
Bold Lyrics/New POV
Italic + Bold Voice
Page Break Flashback
Look Where We Ended Up
(Ryou's POV)
So alone…. I feel so alone. It's as if no one is there… No one cares. I guess… guess they finally gave up on me. Finally said, 'to the hell with him.' Not that I care. No! I don't mind really….but… I feel something in my chest. It's raising and it feels like it will explode at any moment and there is no one there to hold me when it does, to calm my panicking heart. No one can see that I'm breaking ever so slowly inside. Though, I'm not surprised… I haven't been the easiest person to read since… since….
Damn it, Ryou! Get a hold of yourself! You are not some pansy ass little girl! You are a man…. A broken, bitter man…. Damn it! There you go again, make you out to be a worthless piece of shit…. You are…. That…. That's not what you are! You're not worthless! David said so…. David…. David would never lie. He…. He loves me… Right? YES! He loves you more than anything, he told me so. He loves me… he loves me… he loves me!
But what if he was lying to you? It wouldn't be the first time…..
Wha…. What? Wh-who are you? What the hell are you doing in my head?
I'm you, my little angel… Call me your reason… Your voice.
Fuck you! I don't need a voice in my head…. I'm not like that.
Not like what?
I'm not fucking crazy!
You're arguing with yourself…. A mere presence that isn't even real. Someone who really isn't there…. What does that tell you?
Fuck off! I don't need someone little voice in my head telling my lies. You said it yourself; you're not real, so why should I listen to you. You… you want me to believe you… You want me to break, to fall apart. It would please you to no end. It would give you such pleasure to watch me finally crack under the pressure, under the self-hate. I won't! I won't fall, I won't become you're victim… I'm better than that. Strong than that! So why don't you go back to whatever corner of my mind and stay there……
Good… now I can think in peace….. I'm like that, voice. I'm not some fucking lunatic that needs therapy or what not. I have my sanity, though it may be small and vanishing, it's still there. I'm holding, barely, but I'm still clinging to that small hope of something, something that I can't name. I only have David to cling to now and even that seems to be fading… I…. Damn it!
David, what the hell were you think? Why the hell did you run away from me? You've never done that before, and when you did, you always came back. You love me too much to let go, right? You're not going to give up on me, are you? You won't crumble like some piece of shit that had nothing to live for. You're not like that! Think of your daughter, Lori, think of what this is doing to her…. Think of what she will do if you leave her, if you break your promise…. Think of…. Think of me... and what this is doing to me. You're tearing me apart inside and I don't think I can take much more of this. If… If you let go…. Then…. Then so will I! I mean it, damn it. I will let go, of everything. I can't….I can't live without you. You're my strength, my sanity, my leverage, you're my everything. If you let go then there will be nothing left of me, nothing worth living for and I will…. I'll kill myself if you go! I swear to Ra I will.
Sing it for me
I can't erase the stupid things I say
You're better than me
I struggle just to find a better way
So….. So don't go… Okay. I don't want to leave this world yet. I'm not ready for that sacrifice yet. I'm not ready to be sent into the deepest pits of Hell yet, even though I deserve it. I deserve it, I know that…. I've… I've done some terrible things in my life. I killed two of my lovers, two people that I loved more than life itself and when I lost them… I lost my way… I turned towards alcohol to ease the pain. It worked, for a while. I was able to numb the pain, to numb the demons inside of me, screaming and clawing to get out. Only for a while thought. I began to build up tolerance until it took me six drinks to get a slight buzz, then seven, then ten…. And now, now I'm not so sure anymore.
When the alcohol failed me, I turned towards drugs. I would send an entire day indoors getting high, just so I didn't have to deal with the pain that clenched at my shattered heart. I didn't want to hear the demons in me, mocking me for my failure, calling me a cold blooded murder. I just want to escape myself, even if it were only for a moment. Eventually, like everything else, the high had failed me. Instead of feeling great, feeling like I could take on the world, I felt lower than dirt, like a piece of shit that was crumbled up and thrown away. I had checked myself into rehab after that, and the whole time I felt like shit. I was paranoid, like the demons in my mind had somehow gotten free and was there to taunt me, watching me as I failed once more.
I was so scared of being put down by them that I turned to another way of dealing with my pain. I had asked some of the others in rehab as to what they did to deal with the pain and a minority of them said that they cut…. I figured that if it worked for them, then it would work for me. My first cut was nerve wracking…
(Flashback)
The bathroom was the same, as I had left all the months ago. The floor, which was a white linoleum, was dirty with dust and anything else that had managed to get into my house while I was gone. The white counter tops had lost some of their shine and were now barely gleaming under the bright bathroom light, which send a shiver of recognition down my spine… The counter tops seemed to be mocking me, showing me myself dwindling away and perishing into nothing. Ignoring it, I walked over to the counters and stared into the mirror above the white marble, right into the eyes of some ghost, someone that I no longer knew.
The reflection staring back me was haunting…. It scared me to know that this person staring back at me was the person that I could no longer stand, the very same person that I wanted to die. I hated knowing that the person staring at me was myself… in some way; it frightened me to know this. My skin had gotten so pale and my figure looked like I had not eaten in weeks… for I was so slim, the very saying of 'skin and bones' could have applied to me. I was frightened by this. My hair, which was just midnight black, no highlights of blood red were to be seen yet and would not for another few months, had grown longer and were down to my mid-back area. It was messy and greasy from not bathing in little under a week and it lay on my head like it was matted down by sweat and anything else. My eyes were dull, almost lifeless, and that was what scarred me the most. To know that I have become so broken and so lost, hurt. I was scarred to think of what was happening to me and somewhere inside my head…. I snapped.
The next thing I remember is the sound of glass shattering and the light shining brightly off the falling pieces. I felt brief pain wash over my arm before it disappeared into nothingness. I stood there, hypnotized by the sight. I watched as the piece of glass that had embedded its self into my hand brought for blood, and lots of it. I watched as my own blood pooled into the palm of my hand before spilling over and falling to the floor, only to land on the broken shards of glass. I was surprised to feel no pain at all and before I knew what was happening, I was pulling out the glass in my hand, not even a flinch as it pulled free.
I remember shaking of my overcoat that I was wearing at the time. I remember bringing the bloody edge of the sharp glass to my arm and without a second thought, I cut. I was a long, thin line that ran from the underside of my arm, just above my wrist, and came all the way my forearm to stop on my shoulder. Blood gushed from the wound and I felt the pain, which had been held in my heart for so long, disappear. I was shocked that I quickly sliced my other arm, following the same design, just to make sure. Sure enough, the pain was fading and I had been so happy that I barely noticed my world becoming hazy and the ground I was standing on spin out of control. I didn't even notice the slam of my front door or the pounding footsteps as they ran up the stairs.
I do, however, remember a voice calling out to me and the door to the bathroom slam open and banged against the wall. I clearly remember crystal blue eyes, wide with shock and anger… I think there was a small hint of disgust in those eyes, but whether or not I'm right, I couldn't tell you. Those eyes narrowed some and I felt hands reach out and grabbed me. I don't remember anything after that…..
(End of Flashback)
So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight
Take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road
The one that I should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight
Take a breath and softly say goodbye
David said that I had passed out from the blood lost and that he had taken me to the hospital. He was furious when I woke up. He screamed at me and slammed things around. The nurse had to ask him to leave if he could not control himself. He had calmed down and during the whole time, I sat quietly on the bed, staring, but not really seeing anything, out the window that was conveniently beside my bed.
You had sighed and took my hand into your own, making the gesture seem comforting but I knew, just knew, that there was a secret meaning to grasping my hand in yours. It was like you were afraid that I wasn't there. That I had died instead of lived. You looked like you were making sure that I didn't leave you, that I was still alive…. That this was real. That I had actually cut myself… and according to anyone else, I had tried to commit suicide and almost succeeded……. almost is never close enough for me though.
You leaned over and brushed a few of my bangs out of my face and smiled gentle at me, almost as if I was going to break. I felt like a porcelain doll that had gotten a crack in it and now every else felt as though I would break with any sudden movement. You had asked me why I had done it and I remember sitting in silence for a long while. I don't know how much time had passed before I had answered and when I did, you seemed so pained and angry, at who, I didn't know. I had told you that I couldn't take the person staring back at me. We sat in silence for just a little longer before you stood and left the room abruptly. The rest of the day seemed to drag on and on, everything blurred together and nothing made sense.
When I was able to go home, I had sat in my room in silence, listening to the blaring music that left my stereo. I ignored the world around me, only for a little while. I don't remember why, but I know that I had ended up in the bathroom again with a razor in my hand. I remember taking off my pants and placing the blade against my skin before dragging it along my thigh, cutting it, but not so deep that I would pass out once more, I had learned my lesson. I remember making multiple cuts and gashes before washes off the blood and placing a bandage over my legs.
Like my other ways to release my pain, cutting began to lose its appeal to me and the demons inside of me that had been unusually quite for the past few months had come back, louder than ever. They were screaming in my hear, pushing me to the edge and trying to make me lose it. The only reason I never fell was that you, David, were always there to catch me…. When I broke, you picked up the pieces and put me back together again. You were my savior, my sanity, everything.
David…. These are the reasons you can't leave me. You've kept the demons at bay for so long and now that…. That your unconscious, they're breaking free and they're coming back. I don't want to lose it again. I don't want to fall…. Please…. Please hold on David! Please!
David can't hear you…..
Shut up!
He doesn't want to hear you. Don't you get it; no one wants you around….
Leave me alone!
David doesn't want you around anymore, he doesn't want you to bring him down anymore. You're only holding him back with all your problems…. Why are you so selfish?
I'm not selfish! I'm not!
Making up such lies…. How dare you. Why lie to yourself? You know the truth, why not exploit it?
Because they're not lies! It's the truth! I'm not selfish. David loves me and that's all there is to it. He's unconscious because he was in a car accident… I had nothing to do with it…. Nothing at all.
Why lie? Did you not push him away?
Yes……..
Did you not reject his love for you continuously?
But…. I…….. yes……..
Are you not the reason he ran away? He wanted to get away from whatever was hurting him. He wanted to escape from his pain and his grief…. Were not the causes of said pain and grief?
………………….. Yes.
Then why make up lies?
……………
Ryou………
…..Ryou
RYOU!!!
You wouldn't like me
Keep moving on until forever ends
Don't try to fight me
The beauty queen has lost her crown again
I jumped as I felt someone grabbed hold of my shoulders and shake me violently, almost as if they were desperate to wake me, like they thought I had died. I stared wide eyed at the wall in front of me before I took in a few deep breathes, hoping to calm myself. When my racing heart had slowed down to a more tolerable pace, I forced my head to move, almost afraid of coming face to face with my inner demon, and stared into shocked and concerned purple eyes. The panic that I was feeling quickly left the longer I looked into those eyes, that ocean of worry and comfort.
Yugi smiled at me before removing his hands from my shoulders. He placed a hand to my head, frowning when it came away with sweat. Yugi look at me for moment before speaking.
"Are you okay, Ryou? You're warm and you're covered in sweat." Yugi questioned as he studied my stiff movements. I nodded that I was fine and stood up, stretching my back, wincing as the kinks popped free. As I finished, I looked over at Yugi, slightly surprise that he was only a few inches shorter than me.
"What do you want?" I asked my gaze steady and hard, my voice working its way back into that emotionless tone that I had used since Mailk died.
"The doctors said that it's okay to go in and see David. He's in a stable condition and they said that he might wake up soon." Yugi said in a soft voice, a smile in his eyes. I nodded and shoved past his frame. Walking down to the end of the hall, I took the time to compose myself and to re-piece my mask back together again.
What's the point, everyone already knows that you're broken…. You'll only be deceiving yourself.
I flinched inward, knowing that there was some truth to the demons words, no matter how mocking and hurtful they were. I was only deceiving myself. Yami and Yugi had been the first at the hospital and I was so torn up inside that I didn't even notice Yugi gripping my body in a tight embrace. I didn't hear their voices of concern and questioning. Yami said that he had forced my mind to shut down and sleep, said that he had to use his power to do so. He said that my mind just didn't want to cooperate and it was so clouded with concern and questions that it had been hard to force it into sleep. Not long after that, I zoned out.
Sighing, I stopped just outside Room 428 and looked back over my shoulder at Yugi and the gang. They had all come down here after I had called them all…. Or was it Yugi who called everyone else? I don't remember…. Only Yugi looked solemn, but that was most likely for the reason that he was watching me crumble inward once more, like he did after Bakura had died. I guess he was worried for my well being… How thoughtful of him.
Don't lie to yourself. You know they don't care about you. They're only worried about David. They just want to know if you killed another person. The can't stand you. They could care less about you. They're sick of watching you destroy other people's lives, they're here to make sure you don't do it again. They hate you! You have no friends! You're all alone…… Forever and a day.
I paused, my hand shaking from the truth of the words. Each one had cut deep into my bleeding heart and doubt had begun to build up in my chest. My mind was beginning to cloud over with fear and sweat had formed once more on my body. It took all of my strength to push the thoughts of doubt and fear out of mind, hiding them in the backroom of my mind, in the darkness where they belonged.
Sighing once more, I gripped the handled of the door and slowly opened the white door. I gulped as I walked into the room, taking a moment to recover the shock of the white sterile room. I let go of the handle and proceeded towards the bed, distantly hearing the door click shut behind me. I stared wide eyed at the form on the bed, hooked up to various machines. I walked over to the bed and gripped the side bars in a death grip, afraid that if I let go, then I would lose it….. I could feel tears pricking at the back of my eyes, wanting to get out and fall free, and for a moment, I was going to let them free, but as I looked away from David's lifeless form, I spotted his daughter and though better than to break down in front of this broken little girl.
Lori stared distantly at her father, a mixture of emotions clouding her face, which was set in a small frown. She looked like she was trying to not to cry but from the tears that were streaming down her face, she looked as if she was failing. I wanted to comfort her but that just wasn't my department.
"Lori….. Sweetie, are you alright?" I questioned, smacking myself as my voice came out empty and cold. Lori looked up at me with those saddened emerald eyes (inherited from her mother) and nodded her head. I walked around the side of the bed and took the little five year old into my arms, tucking her head against my chest. A moment later, you could hear her little wails of pain throughout the room. I sighed and just held her, hoping that it was enough.
"He'll be okay, Lori. Trust me, your father is strong. He won't let some car wreck destroy him so easily." I said, forcing some sort of emotion into my voice so she would believe me and it must have worked, because ten minutes later, her sobs had died off and she was sleeping soundlessly against my chest. I could feel a small smile tug at the corner of my mouth, working it up into a depressing smile. Placing her sleeping form in the chair, careful as to not wake her up, I walked back over to the other side ofbed and pulled up a chair.
So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight
Take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road
The one that I should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight
Take a breath and softly say goodbye
Sitting there, in the sterile room of wicked white, I placed my head in my hands, a complete feeling of helplessness washing over me. Who am I kidding? I can't help anyone, no matter how hard I try. My demons are right, it would be better if I wasn't alive. I should just throw myself out the window…. Maybe then everyone will be just a little happier. Fuck it; they'll be a lot more happier without problematic, worthless, depressing, piece of shit Ryou around. No one needs me. I just hold everyone back…. I….
So caught up in my thoughts, I didn't feel the shift of the bed or the shuffle of the starched sheets. It was only when I felt a hand run through my hair was when I was jerked back to reality. I lifted my head out of my hands and looked around for the owner of the hand. A mumble from the bed made me jerk my eyes to figure lying there, who was supposed to be asleep. Instead of meeting eyelids, my eyes stared deep into groggy blue eyes. The hand lifted once more and placed itself on my cheek, a comforting motion and welcomed more than anything. I smiled as tears came to my eyes.
"David… you're… Ra, are you…. Is there…" I tried to form a sentence but the words just wouldn't come out like I wanted them to. I reached up and took David's hand into mine, holding it tightly, too afraid to let it go. I reached over to the panel of buttons and pressed on, signally for a nurse. David smiled and reached his hand up, gripped my hair and pulled me closer to him. Our lips were inches apart when the door to the room burst open and two nurses and a doctor rushed in. They seemed panicked but their shoulder visibly dropped as they noticed David's awakened condition. I jerked back to my place in my seat and looked at the floor, knowing a small blush was forming on my cheeks as the doctors had caught us. One of the nurses walked over and began to check David's vitals, while the other placed a blanket over the sleeping form of Lori. The doctor walked over to me and motioned for me to follow him out into the hallway. I did as I was told…..
"I'm Dr. Ezekiel, David's doctor. I wanted to speak with you on his condition, which is remarkable for someone who was just thrown from a car." Dr. Ezekiel said as he turned toward me.
"Go on." I said my voice cold and emotionless. What a surprise though, it was always so empty and chilling.
"Well, David only came out of the crash with a concussion, a few broken ribs, and a shattered knee cab, which we were able to fix in surgery. He also has a few lacerations, some needed stitches, but that was taken care of. He will be covered in bruised for the next two weeks or so and he will be sore but other than that, he is doing fairly well. We proscribed a medication for the pain and we should release him from the hospital sometime during the week or this weekend. He's making a remarkable recovery. I've never seen anything like this." Dr. Ezekiel said as he ran a hand through thick brown hair. I nodded in confirmation, telling him that I understood.
"Is that all?" I asked, wanting to get back to David as quickly as possible. The doctor nodded before raising his finger, like he had just remembered something he had forgotten.
"David may need physical therapy for his leg. We're not sure how weak it will be after the brace and casting comes off. Just a heads up. Well, I believe that is it. You may go back in now, if you'd like." The doctor said, walking away after he shook my hand. Sighing in relief, I walked back into the room, where I found David sitting up, his frame supported but fluffed pillows.
Goodbye
Taking my place in my chair, I stared down David, trying my hardest to see what he was thinking, all the while thanking Bakura and Mailk for watching out for him. I knew that they had something to do with David barely have any injuries at all. They had to have looked out for him and protected him…. They must have…..
"Ryou, what are you thinking?" David asked his voice raspy and weak but it came through clearly. I looked at him for a moment longer before shrugging my shoulders.
"I'm just thanking Bakura and Mailk for watching over you…. You should be in a worse condition than you are… You should be battling for your life in a coma while I sit next to you, broken and bitter, feeling alone. But it isn't like that…. .and I think Bakura and Mailk had something to do with it. I guess they were tired of seeing me so depressed and lonely. Tired of seeing me falling deeper and deeper into an endless void of pain and despair." I answered trying to sound as serious as I could even though the matter of which I was speaking of sounded completely silly.
David sat there in silence before breaking out into that smile that made my knees quake and my heart race. "I like that. Tell them I said thank you because without them as my guardian angels, I wouldn't be able to see your beautiful form again."
"Don't call me beautiful again, asshole. I'm not some weak girl that falls for that kind of shit." I growl though you could clearly hear the playfulness in my voice. David laughed before groaning in pain, his arm coming up to clench at his bandaged rib cage. Not wanting to waste this moment, I taunted him, "That'd what you get, you bastard. You deserve it."
"Glad to see you haven't changed you pansy, ass whore."
"Your mother." I replied, playfully pinching his leg (the uninjured one).
"Thank you." David said and the room was silent for a moment before we both burst into a fit of chuckles. David groaned once more, his ribs pounded with white hot pain as his chest vibrated.
So why are you so eager to betray?
Pick the pieces up, pick the pieces up
So why are you the one that walks away?
Pick the pieces up, pick the pieces up
As the laughter died down, I looked at David. I felt a wave of lust run through my form and I could tell that David was using that perverted brain of his again, probably undressing me in his mind. Leaning forward, I watched as David's crystal blue eyes came closer and closer to mine. I couldn't stop myself; it was like some outside force was pushing us together, like our lips were some sort of magnet. I braced myself on my hands, placing all my weight on them and praying that they held me up.
"Ryou…." David said breathlessly, his hand unconsciously coming up to grip my chin and pulled me closer. Our lips were so close and yet, no close enough. I tried to lean in for the kiss that was inevitable but David held his ground and wouldn't allow me to kiss those full, luscious lips that I wanted to so badly
Finally giving in, I answered, "Yes…."
David smiled before kissing my forehead. He moved his mouth right over my ear and blow, his warm breath sending shivers down my spine. I groaned in wanton need like some sort of whore, but at the moment, I didn't care. David whispered gently into my ear, "I love you."
For a moment, I was truly shocked but I could feel the smile pulling at my lips. I was finally going to be able to tell him my feelings. David was going to know that I loved him more than anything in my miserable life. Pulling back some, I stared David in the eyes before answering, "I love you too……"
With that, David and I sealed the affection with a deep and passionate kiss. I groaned as the feeling of lust grew stronger but I held it at bay. I may love him but I wasn't ready to step it up yet, not until I knew he wasn't going to leave me. Sighing, I opened my mouth and let David slip his tongue it. The feeling of the wet appendage claiming every inch of my hot cavern again and again made me moan in pleasure. I never wanted to moment to end, but David pulled away from me, taking in air that he desperately needed. I could feel my cheeks flush red as David stared at my body, lust and love shinning in those ocean blue eyes.
Smiling a real smile, for the first time in ages, I couldn't help the feeling of happiness and love that washed over my body like a tidal wave, healing my bleeding heart, claming my pain, and silencing my inner demons in one go. I knew, for the first time, what the future held.
Life was starting to look up and I knew there were going to be some hard times ahead but if I held on just a little longer, it would seem to be worth it. So that's exactly what I did, I held on…. And I'm still holding today.
So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight
Take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road
The one that I should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight
Take a breath and softly say goodbye
Just take a breath and softly say goodbye
SingMyLullabySweet666: Well, that's all there is. I hope you all enjoyed my story. I thank you all for reading and I really thank those who reviewed and made updating worth it.
Review for the final time, please!