I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Burke, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened. What came over me. I don't know why I did it.
But he was looking at me, and nobody else was.
Nobody else looks at me like I'm fine, they all look at me like I'm a sympathy case, like I'm fragile.
Easily broken.
I didn't do it to hurt you.
I didn't do it
because I wanted to make love with another man.
God, it wasn't love Burke, I promise you, it wasn't even close to it. It wasn't close to anything. It wasn't even mindless sex, or casual sex.
I want to tear out my insides, I want to wash him off of me and pretend that it never happened, but I know that it happened.
And I know that I can't take it back.
I just wanted...
I just wanted to feel alive again.
And I thought that maybe I would.
But now?
I still feel empty, and now I feel dirty.
I feel like I was never worthy of you, that I could never be worthy of you.
But he was looking at me the way that you used to look at me, and he was there.
And you weren't.
You left me.
But you left me broken. I'll never be able to be with another guy. I'll never be able to look at a man and see the things I saw in you.
I laid on the floor of the call room and prayed to die, do you know that?
I prayed.
I don't pray.
But I prayed to die, so that I wouldn't have to live this life without you anymore, and I thought I'd get my wish.
Everything was so dark around me, and my heart was pounding in my ears, and I've been nauseous all day, and I thought that just maybe, there might be something else wrong with me.
That three weeks had been enough torture and that I wouldn't have to live without you anymore.
But now I'm sitting in the pit.
And my heart is still pumping oxygenated blood from the muscles to the extremities.
And my lungs are still moving air in and out of my body.
But my heart quit beating when yours did.
And I quit breathing when you did.
And now I'm here, I'm still technically alive.
And I have to live with what I did.