DUN DUN DUNNNN!
It's pretty much been a year.
And it's not even hott anymore.
BUT WE'RE BACKK! Yaa.
And better than beforeeeee.

OH YEAAAHHH! Bow Down.

For future reference; we have
a new friend here with us.
Respect her and she will not eat you.
HERE WE GO!

Chapter Three: The Secret Admirer
The morning had so far been uneventful. Sirius and Remus sat in the Great Hall with multitudes of food, resting their heads on their fists with weary sighs. "This is lame" Sirius said with a frown.
"Your face is lame" Remus shot back at him and Sirius randomly and unexpectedly punched Remus right in his face. Remus got the point. You do not mess with Sirius black. And/or his face.
"That'll learn ya!" Sirius muttered to Remus who could not really hear him because the blow had forced him backwards off the seat and onto the ground. Numerous people were laughing. To most it was entertaining, however both Sirius and Remus (despite the fact that he had previously suffered a blow to the face) were still immensely bored.

That soon changed.

"HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET JESUS AND PERHAPS MOSES I'M NOT REALLY SURE ABOUT THE WHOLE BIBLICAL THING!" Came a jovial cry from the doors of the great hall, followed by a long and deep breath. Sirius turned around, and Remus rolled over to see James standing there clasping a piece of parchment in his hand which he waved around without restraint. Sirius blinked. Remus winced.

"What?" Sirius asked, following James with his eyes as he ran across to them, tripped, got back up, stubbed his toe, kept running, broke his leg on the table, limped desperately across to them, fell over Remus and chucked the piece of paper at Sirius. "Read it" He gasped.

Sirius' eyes were wide, "Dude are you oka-?"
"READ IT!!!" James shouted.
"Nobody asks me if I'm okay," Remus cried like a girl.
"Are you okay?" Came a random's voice.
"FUCK OFF!" Remus shouted, getting up and running out of the hall, his legs flailing wildly and his hands covering his eyes.

Sirius shrugged and looked to the piece of parchment he now held, just as James stood and took a seat, his every injury having apparently disappeared, and started munging into a chicken leg.

"That's not a chicken leg," came the voice of the owner of the leg he was chewing. James stopped suddenly, looked up, and backed away slowly.

Peter and that girl that fell in love with him in the first chapter ran by. Peter waddling away from her as fast as he could as she threw herself at him time and time again, resulting in a face full of back flab and random food crumbs from the past 3 days.

Ignoring this, Sirius looked down at the pachment, put on his reading glasses, (Oh yeah) and began to read the letter.

Dear James,
I want you and your face. You are so sexy.
I hope that one day we can run away together
to Siberia and have beautiful children. And
teach them to speak Hebrew and we will all
live in a beautiful cardboard box that my
family will buy for us on our wedding day.
Hugrily Yours, Your Secret Admirer. xoxoxo

Sirius looked up at James, who had previously commenced eating a REAL chicken leg, and rose an eyebrow. "When did you get this?" he asked, and James shrugged, "It was on my bed when I woke up. Hot, right?"

Sirius coughed, "Not exactly the word I was going to use."

(Yeah hi it's Liv.. They're making me write.. ONWARDS!)

"You're just jealous." James replied with a grin "That Lily wants my sexy body and you can't have it!"

"I don't want your body..." Sirius retorted "I have my own."

"It could totally never compare!"

'Oh, you wanna go?" Sirius asked

"Yeah..."

"Yeah!"

(ME AGAIN! Lily.. Yeaaaahhhhhhh.)

"It's on!" James yelled, sweeping the table clean of food and jumping up onto it, suddenly boxing glove and trunks enhanced. Sirius blinked, "Get down off the table, dickhead!" He told him firmly.

James pouted and jumped down, suddenly boxing glove and trunks unenhanced, and took his seat, grabbing back his parchment. Sirius looked at him calculatingly, "What makes you think it was Lily?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and James gave him a dumbfounded look which clearly said 'Duh you unintelligent fooooool!' before responding, "Dude. Quite obviously she wants me bad. But she's too scared to admit it because I'm so manly she's just overwhelmed. Besides, she's smart. I don't know anyone else who would know what or where the fuck Siberia is? Do you know? PLEASE TELL ME! I need to know the location of my future children enhanced cardboard box!"

Sirius stood up, and slowly left.

&&&&&


Lily, Livia and Shenavyre were in the middle of a RIVETING game of Truth Or Dare in their dormitory when Remus kicked the door down, assless chaps, toy gun and eye patch enhanced.

(LILY: I enjoy the word enhanced.)
(KALI & LIV: We noticed.)
(LILY: You loooooovvveee me!)
(KALI: The eye patch does NOT go with that outfit.)
(LILY: I'M MAKING A FASHION STATEMENT!)

"Why hello their ladies" he began, tipping his hat with a southern accent as he took a few slow steps forwards, smoke and light pouring out from behind his sillouhette like how it happened in the movies, "You wouldn't happen to be needing any assistance, would ya?"

The three girls scrambled backwards, "Oh for fucks sake!" Shenavyre cried, covering her face and shaking her head as Lily averted her eyes and Liv burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

"How much pot have you smoked today?" Shenavyre asked through her fingers and Remus grinned in ecstasy, "Oh baby, this ain't pot, this is LOOOVVE! The love is feel for you. Ohhhh yeaaaahhh! I'm bad, baby!

Bad to the bone. And I'm gonna sweep you off your feet onto my valiant steed and we can ride off into the sunset together!" His voice got lower with every syllable and Shenavyre looked up slowly, before in an instant she had propelled herself into his arms, "OH ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME!" She cried, cutting off the circulation to his vital organs.

Lily and Liv ran from the room screaming, shutting the door behind them with a terrifying slam. They took three deep breaths before they started hearing mumblings from inside the room and the two of them tripped and fell down the stairs. Livia conveniently landed on a trampoline which propelled her into the arms of the one, the only Sirius Black. Who dropped her, shouting, "I JUST HAD A SHOWER!" However, he soon realised that it was Livia, and not the usual fag that jumped into his arms. The usual fag of course being Peter. "Oh shit. Sorry." He said, picking her up, running up the top of the stairs, tripping her, beating her to the bottom, watching as she hit the trampoline, and catching her with a convenient bow and sly smile, "Sup babayyy?!"

"WHY WAS THAT ENTIRE PROCESS NECESSARY?!" Liv shouted. Sirius shrugged, "You loved it."

"Oh DUDE! I got another one!" Came an ecstatic voice from the corner as a letter dropped itself into James' lap and he ripped it open.

Dear James,
I meant what I said about Siberia. I love you so much. I love your every little feature. Your hair, your nose, your eyes, your feet, your twelve toes, your slightly undersized penis, the way you hit on yourself when nobody else is around, the way you smell after you get off your broom, the way your head changes shape day by day, the way you attempt to grow a moustache but it never works, the way you stay awake at night and when you think everybody else is asleep, you rehearse the script fot the game show you plan to host one day. But most of all I love they it burns when you pee. For all these reasons, I want you. Now. Meet me in the Broom Closet. Come unclothed. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

"Well, read it out!" Sirius urged, but James looked at him for a moment before shoving the letter into his pants pocket and shaking his head, "I don't think so" he replied instantly, before clearing his throat and standing. James made his way across to Lily slyly and when no-one else was looking he winked and rushed out of the portrait hole. By the time he had reached the infamous Broom Closet, he had done what the letter had suggested, and leading all the way back to the Fat Lady there was random pieces of clothing scattered throughout the distance. James snickered, and opened the door, jumping inside.

"You came!" Came a voice, and James jumped, "Wow, you got here fast!" he announced, turning around but finding that the dark was far too black for him to look upon Lily's lovely face. "One moment sweetheart. I wanna see you!" Reaching into his pocket.. Um. Considering he's not wearing any clothes, we'll just say that he has a pocket of skin right below his left hip. It's a birth defect, and James doesn't like to talk about it... Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a lighter, and with one quick flame...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What the fuck?" An equally naked Remus shouted, "You're not Shenavyre! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"

James, who had thrown himself backwards against the closet door and dropped the lighter, squealed like a girl, "You're not Lily!"

"No. What the fuck? Get your own closet time! Me and Shenavyre have a date here! Right now. I sent her a letter!" Remus said.

James blinked, "Oh god," he cried, "OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD!"

"What? WHAT?!"

"Are you talking about the Secret Admirer letters?"

"..Yes..."

"YOU SENT THEM TO ME YOU FAGGOT!"

Remus squealed, "NO! How? WHY?!"

"You must have been stoned." James sighed, wishing he were clothed. And also wishing that Remus were clothed. They couldn't see each other but that could also be a bad thing. Because one wrong move and BAM! ..Certain.. Things.. could Touch. And that would NOT be good! Ew.

"How could I make a mistake that big?!" Remus cried.

"You were stoned." James explained.

"OH NO! That just makes me wonder.. What else have I done?"

They didn't have to wait long to find out. Because at that moment, the closet door opened and another body squeezed itself in.

"WHO IS THAT?!" James shouted, and they heard the all-too-familair squeal of Peter. "James!" He squeaked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here too, Peter." Remus sighed, which caused Peter to both squeal and scream, begin to sweat, shake, mutter, drop something, and run from the closet without so much as a goodbye. James lit his lighter and picked up the polaroid which Peter had dropped, looking at it for but a second before he screamed like a girl and dropped it.

Remus scowled and picked up the polaroid, using the light of James' lighter to analyse the photo. He frowned observantly, nodding his head briefly before he finally said, "Wow."

James, scarred for life, squeaked, "What?"

"I look good in handcuffs!"

FIN.