Minas Tirith, May of 1425

A week after the funeral the king returned to Minas Tirith. With him he had his two brothers in arms and his favourite esquire. They came in silence without a larger party travelling with them. The queen had returned the day after the funeral and taken the entourage with her. It was only the king, the Elf and Dwarf sharing a horse and the Hobbit on his ragged pony. It was far from the grand arrival a king should have but the four friends were all thankful there was no majestic welcoming.

Aragorn was in truth quite glad to be returning to Minas Tirith. Staying in Ithilien to pay respects to his dead friend was a waste of time he needed to spend on other things. He had a whole kingdom to rule, and ruling was done from Minas Tirith. He knew that Faramir could handle matters in Ithilien, and in secret Aragorn was happy to get to leave the part of Gondor which he had once thought of as the most beautiful. In Ithilien Merry's death seemed to be all around, everybody knew about it and everybody felt like they had taken part in the events during the days surrounding his departure. In Minas Tirith they could all get a touch of ordinary life.

Aragorn and Legolas were planning on returning soon in any case, and Gimli belonged in Rohan these days, but Pippin was not supposed to follow at first. It had been the Hobbit's own idea that he should leave Ithilien and go with his friends. He could not stand being around the people of Ithilien anymore, he found them all to back away from him and avoid being near him. They didn't seem to know what to say or do around him. Pippin felt like grief was a bad stench surrounding him, which everybody kept their distance from. Nobody seemed to understand that all Pippin wanted was to be treated like everybody else. Life was odd enough as it was right now; he didn't need special treatment as well. He was not as fragile as they thought.

The four friends reached Minas Tirith by noon. To Pippin's great relief he was greeted like his friends, waved at and smiled at, just as if nothing had happened. Nobody seemed to know about the loss they all had suffered. Pippin knew that part of the staff around the citadel had been informed but that no official word had gone out.

They led their animals inside the stables and were greeted by the stableman. He looked at the party for a moment before taking the reins to the king's horse. Aragorn frowned, not failing to notice the look.

"Is there something the matter?" he asked.

"No…" the stableman said. "You just looked so lonesome, that's all. Your group looked empty. Like something was missing. Shouldn't there be one more Perian?"

Pippin sunk down on the floor when he heard that and burst out crying. The stableman looked frightened and quickly got back to work. Aragorn gave him an angry look and then turned to Pippin.

"Pippin… On your feet! Not here!" he said.

"Let the laddie be" Gimli said and put his hand on Pippin's shoulder. "Let him cry. Goodness knows he needs it. He's been bottling up too much inside these past days and it's not healthy for him."

Not feeling like an argument Aragorn bent down to lift Pippin up and carry him to his own chambers, but Pippin protested.

"Let go off me! I'm not a child!"

Aragorn released his grip of the Hobbit, who was now standing up. Pippin glared at him with as much wounded pride as he could muster at the moment. The tears were still falling down his cheeks but he refused to be treated like he was a sickling.

"You can't stay here out in the stables" Aragorn said.

Without a response Pippin turned and ran out. Aragorn made a move to follow him but Legolas stopped him. The two looked at one another and then at Gimli, who seemed to be quite angry.

"He couldn't stay here, Gimli" Aragorn said. "He is better off where he is out of sight. The last thing he needs is herds of curious people surrounding him."

"Don't take him for too strong, Aragorn" Gimli said. "He keeps a brave face up, he acts like he is doing as well as anybody could in his situation, but it is all just an act. Deep down you know this."

"Pippin has strength" Aragorn said. "All the Halflings do. Have you ever seen a Hobbit who has lost someone that close to them before? You know of their ability to shake their sorrows off their backs. Pippin is handling this very well and he is showing proof of great strength. I don't want his momentary moments of weakness to allow him to do something he might regret later. It is better that he cries when he is alone."

"Showing a brave face and keeping your emotions under control is not strength" Gimli argued. "Strong is he who dares to grieve. What you're calling strength is in truth weakness; it's hiding from how you really feel. He needs to feel all the pain and he needs to do it now. If he does not grieve properly now he will spend the rest of his life grieving."

Legolas raised an eyebrow at his friend. He had not seen this side of Gimli before. He turned and left the stables, his friends in tow, not really caring which one of them won the dispute. Legolas knew nothing about grief; he had no advice to offer Pippin and wanted no part in deciding how and when the Hobbit should be allowed to let his tears wet his face. In secret he felt that Gimli and Aragorn should stay out of the matter as well.

XX
XX

Pippin did not show up for any of the meals during that day. Aragorn began to worry about him after a few hours and was about to send out people to search for him when he received word that Master Peregrin had returned to his chambers and asked for supper to be sent to him. Aragorn was about to go speak with his friend when his wife stopped him. Arwen thought it best if Pippin could have his space. Aragorn reluctantly agreed and took his retreat to his own chambers.

That night his sleep was haunted by nightmares. He saw Merry, constantly in sight but always without reach. The Hobbit was wounded and he could see Aragorn. He looked at his ranger friend with blaming eyes. Aragorn could not hear him but his eyes spoke volumes. He blamed Aragorn for not reaching him on time.

Aragorn woke up panting and sweating, his heart racing. He closed his eyes to go back to sleep but all he could see were Merry's eyes casting blame onto him.

XX
XX

Pippin found himself enjoying the first days in Minas Tirith immensely. Hardly anybody knew that the other Halfling was not safe in the Shire or serving Éomer King in Rohan. For the first time since it all happened Pippin dared to smile and laugh and he did both as often as he could. It made life easier to live and he felt a lot better inside when he let himself smile and have a good time. He needed joy in his life.

He took a walk one afternoon through a garden, enjoying the last days of May. His favourite month. It was still as lovely as ever, the flowers were in bloom, the birds were singing their happy songs and the sun was warm in the sky. He could not think of a single reason why life was not pleasant to live. He opened his mouth and sang a cheerful song about springtime and found himself almost skipping down the path. He saw two birds fighting over a caterpillar and while they were busy with each other the caterpillar got away. The sight made Pippin laugh.

His laughter ended abruptly when he nearly collided with Legolas. Pippin had not heard him coming. He looked up at his friend and smiled; glad to be able to share such a lovely day with someone he cared about. Then he noticed Legolas did not look very happy at all. His eyes scolded Pippin for laughing and smiling when he should be in grief. Pippin swallowed hard and looked away. He had probably violated some Elf tradition of honouring your deceased.

Suddenly he felt as if someone had punched him right in the stomach. All the joy he had felt seconds ago vanished. Deceased. How could he have let it slip his mind? He turned and fled down the path he had come down, hoping Legolas was not following. His cheeks burned hot with shame and tears fell down his face. He wished he could just vanish from the face of the earth; he didn't want anybody to see him. He found an opening in a tick bush and crawled inside, hiding amongst the thickets. There was almost a small room where he was sitting, with the branches of the bushes as roof and walls. He felt secluded and safe.

He put his arms around his knees and rested his right cheek against his right knee. He shivered and could not stop the tears from falling. No wonder Legolas had looked upset! Pippin had been singing and laughing and smiling without a thought to his best friend. Having fun without his best friend. His best friend who would never see a bird again or hear it sing, or smell the flowers around him. There was no sun that could warm his friend now; all of Merry's senses were gone.

Pippin was overcome by a feeling of loss and at that moment missed his cousin so much that he could barely breathe. With all the other realisations came the one that hit him several times a week, the one which was too painful to remember so he forgot about it every chance he got. He would never get to see his cousin again. Never get to hear his voice or hold him close. He would never feel that familiar scent again. The thought was too much to bear.

"I'm sorry" he whispered. "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to go around acting as if you were still here. Please forgive me!"

He shook with sobs until there were no tears left in him, but he couldn't get up even when the crying had ceased. His head ached, and so did his whole body which had been locked in the same position for some time. He barely felt any of that. The pain in his heart was much worse. Never again really does mean never again, for the first time he was beginning to grasp what that actually meant. He had probably a good sixty years ahead of him and they would have to be lived alone. He had known Merry for just about thirty years. He could not imagine having to live twice as long as he already had and never getting to see Merry. He wished he had the Elvish ability to just surrender life and pass on. But he knew it was not an option for him. Somehow he had to crawl out from the shelter of the thickets and live his life. Somehow, he just didn't know how.

After a long while he managed to pull himself together and crawl out from his hiding spot. He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked out of the garden, up towards the citadel. The sun was setting but the people of Minas Tirith were far from ready to rest yet. Everywhere around him people ran about doing different errands. Pippin's legs were stiff from having been still for so long but he barely noticed. He was surrounded by people but he felt lonelier than ever before.

"When I'm walking alone through this chaos…" he thought, "everywhere around me I see togetherness. I miss you so much. So many people but nobody who can take your place even for an instant."

He sighed deeply. Who was he kidding? Going about as if life was still top notch. What was a beautiful day anyways if there was nobody to share it with? And how could he for a single second have felt relieved that these people did not know of his loss? What difference did it make? He wondered if what he feared in their reactions was actually to see his own hurt reflected in those he met. As much as he tried to keep a happy face everybody who knew him could see that he was heavily burdened.

XX
XX

The month of May came to an end and June began in its place. These weeks were a daze to Pippin; he would never be able to recall much of them later on in life. He spent most of his energy fighting to keep his façade up and pretend that everything was fine. He was not pretending for the people around him but for himself, he had to pretend or the truth would overwhelm him. It was hard enough during those moments when his defences fell and the realization hit him once again. He could never predict what would cause him to shatter; it could be a word, a look, a gesture. He began to draw away from those who tried to show him sympathy, because sympathy was among the hardest things to fight. He didn't want sympathy, he didn't want pity. This fight was his and his alone and other people feeling sorry for him would not help him in any way.

Legolas returned to his home in early June. Pippin would have thought that it would be lonely when the Elf left, but the truth was he barely noticed. He had not seen much of Legolas anyways; it didn't make much of a difference.

All in all Pippin felt more comfortable in Minas Tirith than he had in Ithilien. This city was not as filled with memories of Merry, his cousin had not left his mark there the same way he had in Ithilien. Most of Pippin's memories of the white city had nothing to do with Merry, memories of the war and of times he had spent there apart from his best friend. He could walk into any room without finding the memory of Merry there, haunting the halls as it did in Ithilien.

But Pippin knew that someday he would have to return to the Shire. Go back home to Crickhollow, to the place he and Merry had spent most of their lives. He could not think about that now. Until he could master the grief at a place where memories of Merry were few he would not stand a chance back home.

Pippin found grief to be a funny thing. The things he felt were nothing like he had expected them to be. He had once pictured what it would be like if Merry died, it had been during the war when Merry fell ill. He had imagined that he would be a complete wreck, that he would care about nothing and no one and only be able to feel the pain. The grief he was experiencing was nothing like that. He found that he did care about things around him, in a whole other way than he had before. He had realised how fragile life could be and how important it was to embrace it. But most of all he felt empty. Grief was not one big unending pain which gave him no room to breathe. Grief was a terrible sense of fear and loneliness, above all a feeling if emptiness. The sadness was too abstract for him to comprehend, and it was too much to handle. He only felt it in small doses at a time, and when he did feel it the sadness floored him.

Slowly but steadily he was beginning to realise for good that Merry was gone forever and was never coming back. He could only deal with it little by little, one feeling at a time. Most of the time he was dealing with loneliness, for there was nothing quite like being all alone when someone has always walked beside you.

Aragorn and Gimli watched him from a distance. Neither of them knew how to talk to Pippin right now, they thought it best to wait until he came to them. But it broke both their hearts to see him on his own all the time, without the trusted companion by his side. Aragorn almost felt he could see an extra shadow behind Pippin when the Hobbit appeared. He knew it must be his imagination, but it felt like it was the presence of Merry. To Aragorn that explained why Pippin always seemed so composed.

Pippin found himself out walking a lot. Somehow being in constant movement eased the loneliness and above all pushed the dark thoughts away. It got to the point where Pippin was afraid to stop walking, fearing that the pain he could not handle would come over him if he did. He walked from early morning till late night, stopping only to eat, and probably walked every street and path of Minas Tirith at least twice. When he came back to his chambers at night he was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open, and fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow.

After eight days passed like this Aragorn stepped in and made the Hobbit stop walking. Pippin didn't say anything; he accepted Aragorn's order to keep still, determined to find some other way of keeping his thoughts at bay. Nothing scared Pippin more during these days than his own mind. It seemed to be able to hurt him far worse than anything else. Whenever it got the chance it reminded him of all the things he had cherished and would never have again.

XX

XX

When the second week of June came Gimli had to leave. There were some problems at the Glittering Caves which needed his attention and although he wanted to stay with his friends Aragorn managed to talk him into going back home. There was nothing he could do for any of them right now, nothing any of them could do for each other. What eventually managed to convince him to go was when Aragorn said that the best example he could set for Pippin, and the best guidance, was to return to a normal life. Because life had to go on.

An early Tuesday morning Gimli set out for the caves. Pippin and Aragorn saw him off together. Pippin had his cape wrapped tight around him; it was surprisingly cold for the month of June. Gimli smiled at him and placed a hand on his shoulder like he had so many times during the past month.

"You be good now, young Hobbit" he said.

Pippin nodded. Aragorn couldn't help but smile.

"You're not putting on a brave face, are you?" Gimli asked.

Pippin shook his head no.

"You really ought to go now" Aragorn said.

"Aye" Gimli said and nodded. "But you remember what I've said to you, Pippin. Don't bottle your emotions up inside. That's not what Merry would have wanted."

At the mentioning of Merry's name Pippin looked away. Gimli gave Aragorn an unsure look but then turned and began his journey towards the Glittering Caves. Aragorn put his arm around Pippin's shoulders as the Dwarf walked off, hoping that Pippin wouldn't be upset with having to part with more people that he cared about.

Pippin shrugged off Aragorn's silent support and went back inside without a word. Aragorn watched after him and realised he had lost the ability to reach him.