Minas Tirith, June of 1425

While Legolas was away, not set to return until at least a week after Gimli left for the Glittering Caves, Aragorn realised how much he had depended on his Elf friend during the past month. While Gimli had been the one to handle Pippin most of the time Legolas had been the one nearest Aragorn. Now they were both gone and Aragorn felt lonely. He knew Legolas would be back in little more than a week but he felt scared to face that week alone. It meant he would have to reach out to Pippin and he didn't know how to do that. Somehow the Hobbit had slipped away from him and he didn't know how to win his trust and above all closeness back.

But Pippin was not his only problem. The biggest problem was Merry. After Legolas and Gimli left Aragorn found himself dreaming of Merry every night, and each night the Hobbit scolded him for not having tried hard enough to find him. Aragorn tried to tell Merry that he had fought as hard as he could but he had just been too late, nevertheless in his dreams Merry refused to listen.

Logic told him it was not Merry at all who refused to hear him. Merry was gone and could never choose to listen or not again. It was all in Aragorn's mind and his own accusations, but they felt very real in the middle of the night. And it was not how Aragorn wanted to see Merry. He hated trying to reach the Hobbit and never being able to. It gave him a sense of panic to always be so close but in the end unable to save him.

Sometimes his dreams woke him up, and when that happened he could not stay in his bed with his thoughts, he had to get up and walk around the citadel to clear his mind. He never brought any lights with him, he felt more comfortable walking in the dark. He was never out of bed for long, just long enough to remind himself that Merry could never accuse him of anything anymore, but he needed these walks through the lonesome halls.

On one of these nightly walks he met Pippin. The Hobbit seemed lost in his own thoughts and nearly walked right into Aragorn before he saw him. Aragorn wondered what he was doing out of bed but Pippin walked past him towards his own chambers without answering. The distance between them grew bigger by the day.

The days went by slowly. During the night Aragorn dealt with his bad dreams but during the day he had to deal with something that was real. Gimli had been right about one thing, Pippin was falling to pieces behind his controlled façade. Aragorn could only hope it was not too late to reach him and help him pull himself together. He had never thought it would be so hard to reach his old friend.

XX

XX

Pippin awoke with a start and looked around the room, panting and sweating. He sat up in bed and wiped his sweating forehead with his sleeve. For a short minute he enjoyed the safety of having awakened from his nightmare, then he remembered what he had woken up to.

He crawled out of his own bed and stared at the bed which had been Merry's. He had not dared to go near it before but now he braced himself and slowly stepped closer to it. He didn't know what he was so afraid of; Merry had not even slept there very often. But on the bed was Merry's favourite pillow, he had brought it with him to Minas Tirith and left it there when they went to Ithilien. Pippin had never understood the deal with that pillow, to him any pillow was as good as the other, but Merry claimed it fit his head better than any other pillow and he preferred to sleep on it. He had had it for as long as Pippin could remember. Now it had not been slept on for weeks.

Pippin felt a tear fall down his cheek as he kneeled down beside the bed and let his hand touch the pillow. Gently he laid his head down next to it, breathing in the familiar scent that reminded him so much of Merry. He couldn't stop the tears from falling, all he could do was to kneel there and caress the pillow where Merry had always slept, always, always but not anymore. Not this night. Not anymore. Not ever.

He felt so alone. At Crickhollow they had their separate bedrooms, but when they visited Gondor or Rohan together they always shared a room. Even when they weren't sleeping behind the same door Pippin was used to having Merry nearby, but now he wasn't. He was so far away. It was a distance nothing could breech.

Pippin wanted to shout at the top of his lungs that Merry should be here, sleeping on this pillow; he had to be there now to comfort his younger cousin. But there was no shouting or screaming that could change the facts. There was nothing to be done. Merry would never sleep on his pillow again.

It was more than Pippin could bear. He grabbed the nearest clothes he could find and left the chambers, drying his tears. For some reason he just couldn't stand to look at the empty bed where someone he depended on was supposed to sleep. It was difficult to go to sleep at all without the comforting sound of another person's breath in the room. And when he did go to sleep…

Pippin shivered. He had never known dreams could be such terror. If he never had a dream again he would be very happy. He just wanted to get some sleep, some undisturbed sleep, but there were not many nights when he got his wish. He felt he hadn't woken up completely relaxed for weeks.

As he walked down an empty hall he could hear footsteps approaching from the other end. He stopped and listened more closely. There was often someone walking down the halls even in the middle of the night, someone was always awake. He didn't care to encounter one of the servants and have to answer questions of why he wasn't asleep in his chambers. Then he saw that the person approaching was Aragorn and relaxed a bit. Aragorn stopped and looked at him.

"I couldn't sleep" Aragorn said. "I had a bad dream. Could I talk to you for a while? I think it would make me feel better."

A bit surprised by the query Pippin agreed and followed Aragorn to a small sitting room where the taller figure lit a fire. Pippin realised he was happily surprised that someone else was in need of someone to talk to for once, that it was not about him and his own grief. It was good to be reminded that there were other things in the world than what he was dealing with.

Aragorn knelt by the fireplace until it was burning nicely, wondering what to say and how to try and reach Pippin. He was glad he had gotten him to agree to talk but he realised that one wrong word could make the Hobbit leave again.

"I've been having these dreams…" he said. "About Merry. I dream that I'm trying to save him but he is always just without my reach. And he blames me for not being able to reach him."

"Bad dreams?" Pippin said. "I've heard it's common to dream that something is right beyond your reach."

"Not like this" Aragorn said.

He stood up and placed his arm on the mantelpiece, leaning against it. He wondered if it had ever been this difficult to talk with Pippin. Then he realised something. In his dreams his relationship with Pippin was reflected through Merry. In reality Pippin was the one in sight but out of reach. And if anyone was blaming him for Merry not being saved it was not the one who was dead but the one who still lived.

"I… I just feel like I need to talk with you for a while" he said to his Hobbit friend. "You were much closer to him than I was. Do you think he blamed me for not finding him before he died?"

"No, I don't believe that for a second" Pippin said. "It's not like him. How would he even have known you knew he was in trouble? Perhaps he's still alive somewhere, like in the Undying Lands or something, or just that the spirit survives. And if that is so and if he is watching us then I don't think he blames you. I think that if anything he is grateful to you for trying."

A smile appeared on Aragorn's face and he sat down in an armchair next to the one Pippin was seated in.

"Do you really think so? I am glad to hear the words coming from your lips. Forgiveness from you is the same as forgiveness from Merry."

Pippin smiled slightly, but then he looked down. Aragorn frowned and leaned closer, careful not to make the Hobbit feel cornered.

"Pippin is there something the matter?" he asked. "Something you would like to talk about?"

There was a long pause before Pippin looked up and met Aragorn's eyes.

"I've been dreaming about him too."

"Oh" Aragorn said at lack for anything better.

Pippin's eyes filled with tears and his lips formed what seemed like a twisted smile in an effort not to begin to sob. He looked away and took a deep trembling breath. Aragorn waited patiently while he fought to gain control of himself. After a minute Pippin felt like he could talk without beginning to cry and he turned his head back to face Aragorn, but kept his eyes on his hands.

"I have nightmares almost every night" he said. "But Merry does not blame me for anything; it's nothing like that…"

"I'm listening" Aragorn said.

"He… We… Every time I see him in my dreams we argue about something. Sometimes he is mad at me for something, other times I am mad at him… We yell, we shout, we call each other names, we insult one another… We're just at each other's throats. Merry and I could quarrel when he was alive but not like we do in my dreams. Sometimes he is just so mean in my dreams that I don't even know who he is anymore. Other times he is sad and I am angry with him and it's just horrible that I yell at him even though I can see how upset he is. I've even had dreams where I've avoided him, and he's chased after me. It's scaring me Strider! I don't want to go to sleep! I've never been prone to nightmares before, but now my once happy dreams have turned into dreams of malice."

"I can't imagine why you're having these dreams" Aragorn said. "Perhaps there are things you haven't forgiven yourself for, and things you haven't forgiven him for, and when you're asleep you cannot keep them away."

"No, it's not like that" Pippin said. "We just argue. I don't know why, we just do. And the thing is Aragorn, I've never ever dreamt of Merry before. I cannot recall ever having a dream he was in. I know it sounds strange, but that's how it was. I might have been around him a lot during the day but never at night. And now…"

He could not longer keep his tears from falling. He rested his face in his left hand and tried to keep the sobs at bay. He didn't want to cry, he hated crying. And he knew Aragorn didn't want him to cry. Luckily Aragorn did not tell him to pull himself together. He let the Hobbit cry without commenting on it and wondered about these dreams.

"I don't understand it at all" the man admitted. "Perhaps if I had been as wise as Gandalf… But I realise how hard it must be for you."

"It's tearing me apart" Pippin said. "I cannot have it be like this, I cannot have my only time with Merry now spent arguing!"

"But it's not Merry" Aragorn said. "It's not. It's all in your head. Merry is gone, forever, and that means he's gone from our dreams too. All that is left is your own mind."

"But I hear his voice and I see his face… It is him Aragorn, it is him!"

"No. It is just your memory of him."

"I don't remember him the way he is in my dreams."

"Pippin didn't you just tell me that you didn't believe he would blame me as he does in my dreams? Then why would he argue with you the way he does in yours? Le us both not blame Merry for our own bad dreams."

"I miss him" Pippin sobbed. "I miss him so terribly much! I don't think we've ever been apart for this long, ever! And I can't have him back!"

Aragorn leaned over and pulled Pippin close. The Hobbit sobbed silently, but he did not cry as heavily as he had done with Gimli. He was too tired of being sad, and he didn't feel comfortable enough in Aragorn's arms to let himself go.

"Grief is nothing like I thought it would be" Pippin said after a few minutes. "During the war I was aware that I might die or that he might die, and if I lived and he didn't I would have to grieve the loss. I thought I would be inconsolable, always sad, and never able to do anything. It's not like that. I don't know what it's like, it's just… I don't know. He's gone and I don't understand why. As far back as I can remember he has always been there, but now he's not. It's painful! But I can't be sad all the time, I can't live like that! Yet whenever I smile people stare at me like I'm dishonouring him. That's not it at all. I just need to… go up to the surface and breathe. And I'm not sad all the time. There are times when I forget that I'm grieving, simply because you can't think about it all the time. It's always there in the back of your head, but there are long hours where I can forget. I need those hours Strider, otherwise I'll go mad."

"I know" Aragorn said.

Pippin broke the hug and wiped the tears from his cheeks. Twice in one night, that was more than he usually cried. He shook his head slowly.

"In some ways it's easier to grieve than I expected. In other ways it's so much more horrible. I can't believe what I'm going through. I can't believe he's truly gone. How am I supposed to live without him? We've been friends for as long as anyone can remember. And I've always known that other friends might come and go, but come rain come shine he would be there. I'm not prepared to be on my own, I don't know how to do it! A lifestyle is coming to an end. And I can't understand that this is what my life is going to be like. What kind of life will this be?"

"Pippin…" Aragorn said. "Life will go on for you, with or without Merry. I know it's painful now, you are not done saying goodbye. But a day will come when you can smile again without feeling guilt and when you can truly enjoy your life. You will never forget Merry, but you will go on without him. And learn to be grateful that you got all those years with his friendship instead of grieve the years you didn't get. And you're already on your way, I've seen you."

"I might be doing the same things I've always done but I only do them because if I don't I get too much time to think" Pippin said. "Frankly I don't want to do the things I used to, not since I lost my best friend. I don't want to do anything at all. But I know I have to. I don't want to read another book, ride another pony, or sing another melody. It's ridiculous, I know. And I know the feeling will fade eventually. I just don't think I've ever been truly depressed before and I'm not sure how to handle it…"

"It will get better" Aragorn said. "Remember that he wouldn't want you to lay down your life. He would want you to be happy."

"Not just me" Pippin said. "He'd want all of you to be happy. I know, because that's what I would have wanted. Let's not forget that I'm not the only one who has lost a friend. Honestly I don't want everyone to worry about me and put my sorrow first. I just want to be one in a crowd. I know you, Gimli and Legolas feel the loss as well."

"That we do… But not the way you do."

"There's plenty of grief enough to go around" Pippin said. "And I'd rather not claim more than my designated share. If you want to help me then help yourselves first. You are no support to me when you're not dealing with your own issues. Gimli is the only one of you who does that and he will be back on track much sooner than any of us. You should follow his example. No offence Strider, but he's helped me far more than you or Legolas."

"I want to help you" Aragorn said.

"Then help yourself first" Pippin said and rose from his chair. "It's late; I should be getting some sleep."

"Will you be able to go to sleep?" Aragorn asked.

Pippin paused for a moment. Aragorn rose as well and looked at him.

"Tell me what's on your mind right now."

"What's on my mind?" Pippin asked and sighed. "I'm alone. I'm surrounded by people but I'm alone. And I don't know that I can face another night alone. Let alone a whole lifetime. We used to be together Merry and I, everywhere we went and everything we did, us together, at all times. How do I let go of something like that?"

"First you need to realise that you were in fact not together always" Aragorn said. "You have been apart before. And you've always done just fine."

"But this time we are apart forever. Quite the difference. I've never had to face any real problems alone; during the war I had Gandalf when Merry and I were apart. Now I don't have anybody."

"You have friends and family."

"But it's not the same. How am I supposed to carry on? And live?"

"Pippin you must realise that your life is not over!"

Pippin walked past Aragorn and stared into the fireplace. It was typical Aragorn, he wanted Pippin to get a grip of himself and pull himself together. As if he had lost a tooth or a finger like Frodo had. Pippin knew the day would come when he would have to pull himself together and live life to the fullest again but right now he was at a different place. Right now he needed to feel the despair and the terrible sadness; he knew this, for otherwise he would never be done with those emotions. He wished his friend would understand this or at the very least leave it up to him to decide what was best for himself.

"I will never forget the way I feel right now" he said to the king. "But I want to feel it and then put it behind me. Please do not rush me. I will find the strength I need to let go of him but it takes time. Right now I cannot see the sun for the clouds, but I do find a rainbow every now and then through the rain. Forgive me if I'm sounding like one of Sam's poems…"

Aragorn couldn't help but smile.

"You can be poetic when you want to be, Master Took" he said. "But I think it's time for you to go to sleep now. Save your poetry for your dreams and perhaps then they will be pleasant."

"Perhaps" Pippin said and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm really quite tired… A few hours of sleep will do me good."

He walked past Aragorn towards the door but stopped before he went through it and turned to look at his friend.

"Strider… Thanks for the chat. It helped. Most of the things I said are thoughts I've never put into words before. It helped to get to do so. Thank you."

"Likewise" Aragorn said. "Now go to sleep!"

Pippin smiled slightly and left for his chambers. He crawled into bed and fell asleep almost right away. He slept for seven hours straight and did not have a single dream.

XX
XX

Midsummer came and Aragorn tried to involve Pippin in the planning of the festivities as much as he could. Pippin was eager to help and found that it was just what he needed at the time. He helped out as much as he could and had a lot of fun while doing it. When Midsummer's Day came he served with the other citadel guards for the first time since his return to Minas Tirith. Most of the soldiers knew what had happened but none of them said anything. Pippin enjoyed feeling like everyone else for one evening.

Once he got off duty he made sure he got his fair share of the food, and then some, and sat down at the nearest table to eat. A few tables away he spotted the wife of one of the soldiers he had known during the war. The soldier had died and his widow had taken a job at the Houses of Healing to support her son. The sight of her made Pippin's good mood go away and he slowly lowered the hand which had just been about to serve him a large piece of ham.

Aragorn noticed him from his table and asked the soldier closest to him to send Master Peregrin over. The soldier went off and came back a minute later with a preoccupied Pippin in tow.

"You wished to see me, my lord" Pippin said formally and bowed.

"Have a seat, Master Perian" Aragorn said and motioned to the vacant chair next to him, which Pippin obediently sat down in. "Tell me, what is on your mind?"

"It just occurred to me that I have been ignoring some very pressing matters" Pippin said. "I have been so busy with my own troubles that I completely let it slip my mind that there are people back in the Shire who do not yet know of Merry's passing. They don't, do they?"

"No they don't" Aragorn said. "It's not the news you like to send over letter."

"Indeed it's not" Pippin said. "Aunt Esmeralda, she needs to find out. And Uncle Saradoc… They will be devastated! And Estella… She is going to be heartbroken!"

"Estella? Right, the lass Merry is betrothed to. Was betrothed to…"

"Poor lassie…" Pippin said. "She and Merry were going to have their wedding planned once he got back. Now she'll be receiving news of his death instead. I'm sorry Aragorn but I'm going to have to leave as soon as possible."

"I understand" Aragorn said. "However I require that you wait until Legolas returns. I'll send word and if he hasn't left yet I'll make sure that he does, and that he brings Gimli back with him. With orcs around I don't want you travelling by yourself. Not after what happened with your cousin. Legolas and Gimli will follow you back to the Shire. And if it's too much for you to handle they can speak with Merry's parents and his fiancée."

"No" Pippin said and shook his head. "It has to be me. They deserve that much and I owe it to Merry. But I will appreciate the company on the ride home."

Aragorn nodded.

"Then it is decided."

XX
XX

Two weeks later Pippin set out for the Shire together with Legolas and Gimli. It was harder than he had thought to leave Gondor behind. He had never had to leave without Merry before. When they reached the boarders of Gondor Pippin turned around and gave a last wave to the lands, but above all to his cousin. This was really farewell for good.

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Rewrites are going good, I'll be posting perhaps two chapters a week as it is now.

A huge thank you to all who have reviewed! It keeps me inspired while I'm re-writing. I just hope I won't lose your interest in the story further down the line...

And Estella will show up, that much I can promise. Though not for another few chapters. Sorry!