Ithilien, June of 1436

Pippin had thought he would have to brace himself for this but now that he was here it was quite simple. A lot of things had changed in the eleven years that had gone by. The gardens where he was standing were not the same as they had been all those years ago, nor the houses surrounding the garden or the castile. Eleven years was a long time. Yet Ithilien was still Ithilien and there was enough that remained the same for the experience to be unpleasant. However Pippin had not had any such feelings since his arrival.

It had been Sam's idea that Pippin travel to Gondor again. He had avoided going there for over a decade but Sam thought it was better that he went there and confronted his demons once and for all. It had to happen sooner or later and there was no time like the present.

Pippin's life had changed a lot over the course of the years. He was now Thain of the Shire and he had a wife and a son. He had been promoted from captain to general in the small Hobbit army and had taken a lot of interest in drilling the recruits. He had a good collaboration with Berilac Brandybuck, the Master of Buckland, and things were running smoothly in the Shire. Pippin was happy.

Over six years had passed by since Pippin had seen Merry in his dreams. He had worked through his grief faster than anybody had expected and gotten back on his feet to live his life again. But Sam had always had a concern for how he would react when he returned to Gondor, and he knew that sooner or later that day would come. He could not stay away forever. After a long period of trying to convince Pippin that a trip would be necessary Pippin had finally given in and agreed to ride to Gondor. He had been met up in Bree by Gimli and Legolas who had ridden with him to Ithilien, where he would meet Faramir and Éowyn for the first time since Merry's passing.

Now that he was here he felt quite good. It helped to see that life had continued in Ithilien as well. In Pippin's mind it had always been the same as the day he last left it but now he could see that people had soon forgotten what had happened and moved on. It felt good to see.

XX
XX

On his first night in Ithilien Pippin dined with Faramir, as his guest. The Lady Éowyn did not attend the dinner. Pippin had a thousand and one questions to ask the steward and they remained at the table until it was time for supper. Faramir laughingly informed the Hobbit that he had never spent so much time in a row by a set table to which Pippin jokingly called him an amateur.

After his reunion with Faramir Pippin was left to himself much. A few days passed by which he spent walking around the areas he had known so well a decade ago, amazed by the time that had passed and how much that had happened.

He saw nothing of the White Lady. He was not even sure that she was in Ithilien; she might be visiting her brother in Rohan. Pippin had not seen much of her at all since they had ridden out together, he had almost forgotten about her oddly enough. He remembered once thinking that Merry probably would have wanted them to help each other through the grief but nothing like that had happened. Pippin didn't think much about her now either, she was a part of Merry's past but at this point Merry was a part of Pippin's past and he didn't want to live in the past anymore. He had done so for almost two years after Merry's death and it had been quite enough.

XX
XX

One day he grabbed a pen and sat down with a journal in the gardens, writing a letter to his wife. He wondered how he would be able to tell her about this place, about the changes and about the things that were still the same. It was overwhelming, and Pippin was glad he had come to see it. He would have to write a letter to Sam as well and thank him for talking him into this. He had secretly been afraid of returning to Gondor but now he saw that there was nothing to fear. He had put the days of fear behind him.

While he was writing his letter he kept one ear sharpened to listen for anyone approaching. It was an old habit of his, he loved writing outdoors but he didn't want anybody to walk in on him. The letters he wrote always felt very personal no matter how trivial the topic and they were meant only for the receiver.

He could hear someone approaching and he put his pen down and lifted his head. He was surprised to see the Lady Éowyn appear, older than he had remembered her but still fair and still dressed in white. It had been a long time since the last time they came face to face. He put aside his journal and rose to bow.

"Master Peregrin" she said.

"Milady Éowyn."

"Am I disturbing you?"

"No, not at all" Pippin said and put his things down in his pack. "I was writing a letter but I can do that later. How can I be of service to you?"

"I was out for a walk through the gardens. Would you mind accompanying me? You never know what danger lures around the corners; a lady could do well with some protection. Who better to walk with me than the steward's favourite soldier?"

"Certainly, milady" Pippin said.

He walked up next to her and followed her in silence through the paths of the gardens, many of which he had never walked down before. Éowyn did not speak, but Pippin knew there was something on her mind.

"Milady…" he said. "Pardon me, but… A penny for your thoughts. I know that there is something on your mind that you wish to speak with me about. Both you and I know that there is no danger in these gardens, and if there were you would be far more capable to defend yourself than I would be."

Éowyn looked at him but didn't say anything. Pippin bit his lip and felt a bit uncomfortable. Had she always been this silent?

"Milady? Is there anything you would like to ask me? Or tell me?"

"No" she said. "There is nothing."

"Have the gardens grown dangerous in the years I've been gone?"

She paused for a while and then gave him an intense look, as if studying him. Pippin felt even more uncomfortable.

"I was told you had arrived" she said. "I just wanted to see you with my own eyes. Just wanted to… to know that you are still alive and well. He might be gone but you still remain. It's a comforting thought. I just wanted to look at you."

"I understand" Pippin said, though the truth was that he didn't. "Many years have passed by… I didn't know he was still constantly on your mind."

"I think of him every now and then" Éowyn said. "How could I not? And I don't know whether or not you are grieving still and I don't know how to talk to you, all I really know now is that you are still around and that makes me feel better. You don't have to say a word unless you want to; all I want is to have some company while walking."

Pippin nodded. Somewhere inside it made him feel good that she wanted to see him. It felt good that she saw him as a form of link to Merry. It was a reaffirment of the bond he had shared with his cousin, a bond a lot of people seemed to have forgotten about. Either forgotten about or remembered far too vividly.

"No, I'm not grieving still" he told her. "That was a long time ago… Sure he is on my mind every now and then, but you don't hold on to grief for ten years."

She looked at him through the corner of her eye but didn't say anything. Pippin shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

"We were close once, but life changed that and I was not about to be buried in grief over something I can never have back."

"Is there anything else to grieve but what you can't have back?" Éowyn asked.

"I couldn't let my life end the day his did. We were close, but we were not one and the same. It was strange to me at first, that he could be dead and I was still alive, breathing and thinking and feeling. But once I got past the first deep hurt I saw clearly that no matter how close we were it was still only a friendship. Something which was not an essential part of my survival. I could still breathe and think and feel without it. I'm not saying it didn't hurt, it hurt worse than anything else I've ever felt, but in the end I was still Pippin. I was able to say my final goodbye to him and continue on with my life."

"That's good" Éowyn said.

Pippin nodded. He walked by her side in silence, feeling he had nothing else to say. She didn't say anything either. Pippin didn't know what she had wanted him to say, but it felt as if he hadn't said it. It didn't matter to him though. It had been eleven years; they both knew they were over the loss by now.

XX
XX

It seemed as if all of Ithilien was out this night. It was Midsummer's Eve and the annual festivities seemed jollier this year than it ever had before. Everyone had done their best to create a wonderful celebration, it seemed as if every home was filled with people celebrating the longest day of the year, and as the hour drew later people started spilling out into the streets to sing and drink together.

Those who lived at the castile had their own celebration in the gardens. The soldiers who had families brought them, the best musicians played and the best food was being served. A few Elves were even there to attend the party and they had brought with them Mirkwood wine of the finest kind.

When the sun had finally set on the longest day of the year Pippin drew himself closer and closer to the periphery of the party until he could slip away unnoticed. Not that he didn't still know how to party and drink ale, but he wanted to get away for a moment.

He made his way with haste through the gardens, a little lost at first since the gardens had changed a lot since the last time he had visited. But eventually he found his way and before long ended up where he had been aiming to go.

The spot was just like any other in the garden, only a small marble statue made it any different from the rest. Pippin let his hand gently run over the statue of a sitting cat and then kneeled on the ground and let his other hand run over the grass.

Hobbits did not have a custom of marking their graves. They did use specific spots for burial, but the exact location of each grave was marked only by a catalogue in the Mayor's office detailing who was buried where. Hobbits preferred letting their deceased live on through stories and memories rather than to visit them at their resting place and linger on the knowledge that they were dead. But to the humans this custom was too undignified, and nobody at the castile could come to peace with the idea of perhaps strolling over someone's grave without even knowing it. Especially when the grave was in the middle of the gardens. They always marked their graves, and when it was someone higher up on the social rank they usually had a marble statue made and placed atop the grave. Pippin had found the idea ridiculous. A marble statue might be grand for a human lord but not for a Hobbit. Eventually a compromise had been reached and the grave was marked by a marble figurine, not of the deceased but of something which seemed more like it belonged in the gardens.

Pippin had not visited the spot of Merry's burial since his return to Ithilien. He was glad he had found this secluded moment to do so, when everyone else was at the party and no one could disturb him. He wanted to be alone with Merry.

He didn't know for how long he had been kneeling by the grave when his solitude was disturbed by the White Lady's soft voice saying his name. He did not know for how long she had been standing here and he wished she hadn't come, but with the knowledge that the darkness shielded his blushing cheeks he looked up at her and acknowledged her presence with a nod.

"So you came" she said. "We have both been waiting for you to come."

Pippin rose and brushed the dirt off his pants without saying anything. Just like the time they had walked through the gardens earlier he didn't know what she wanted and he was getting tired of it. He wanted her to leave him alone and mind her own business; she sure hadn't bothered to see how he was doing when the grief had been fresh.

"I'm surprised you didn't come sooner" she said and took a step towards him. "I wondered what kept you so long. But after our talk the other day and now seeing you sneak away at night to come here I think I know the answer."

"Pardon me milady, but you don't know much" Pippin said.

"You miss him" she said. "You don't admit it to yourself even but you miss him. You've bought in to the lie that grief is an ugly thing and you've made sure that everyone around you believes that you are past grieving. But if you were then you wouldn't be here tonight at his grave."

"Yes I would" Pippin said. "I am here to pay my respects to an old friend. After all that we went through together it would be wrong to visit here without even visiting him. But it has nothing to do with grief."

Éowyn looked at him strangely but didn't say anything. Pippin averted his eyes and rested them on the marble cat, wishing the lady would leave him alone. He wanted this moment to himself; he would not get another chance to visit this place all by himself. But Éowyn stayed put.

"Is there any way I can be of service to you?" Pippin asked, only partly trying to hide how annoyed he was.

"You could be frank with me" Éowyn said. She walked over and put her hand on the cat's head in a gentle but protective manner. "Why are you hiding the truth from me, what is it you are ashamed of? Weren't you the one closest to him? Shouldn't you be able to talk to me, the one closest to him disregarding you? I think it still hurts when you think about what happened even though so many years have passed, and I think you should admit it. I think wherever Merry is he is greatly disappointed that his best friend of all people cannot admit that he misses him."

"I grieved him" Pippin said with a trembling voice. "My, how I grieved… But you don't understand what a Hobbit is like, we don't wallow in our sorrows the way the human race can do, we deal with it and we move on!"

"So why haven't you?"

Pippin turned his face away so that she wouldn't see the tear that found its way down his cheek. She had seen right through him, he had buried the truth so deep that he had almost forgotten about it himself. He knew that there was something wrong when he couldn't put the loss behind him.

"Don't you long for him?" she asked.

"I do…" Pippin admitted after much hesitation. "It happens. Most of the time I feel fine. But I can't deny that I do long for him on occasion… So much I feel I could burst sometimes. I just never got to work through it properly. People around me forgot much faster than I did! They acted as if I had lost a pony or a dog, sure it's sad but after a while you forget about it. But I couldn't, and that scared people."

"It doesn't scare me."

"It scares those who knew me back then, the soldiers who took part in the search! None of them dared to look me in the eye when I arrived here until they found out I was just the same as I had been before that happened. People cannot accept that the pain will never fully go away, of course I miss him, I always will, even though he's been gone nearly one fourth of my life. They act as if it's not a big thing that I lost him… But I miss him so much. They don't understand, they think we were just pals, and pals come and go. Is it so bloody impossible that we had a closer bond than that, that we loved each other? We were brothers, I depended on him!"

Éowyn didn't say anything now that he had started to speak, fearing that if she interrupted him in any way he would stop talking.

"How can I just let him go? Let go of the bond we shared? How could anyone ask that I just shrug my shoulders and pretend he never existed? They want me to forget about him. Why should I even try?" He paused and realised he was trembling. "I guess that's what I've done, isn't it?"

Éowyn looked unsure. She wasn't sure what he was asking her.

"Done?"

"I've done what they've wanted and forgotten about him and what we meant to one another. I've ignored how close I was with him. I haven't even dared to visit this place until I thought nobody could see me…"

Éowyn nodded. She wished she could tell him otherwise but she knew he was right. She had known it from the moment she overheard one of the soldiers mentioning to the steward that Master Peregrin had not been to visit the burial spot. It was the reason why she had sought him out, it seemed he had been burying his problems for a long time and now that he was here it was time to face them. She felt he owed it to himself and to Merry to acknowledge everything that he was denying, and she felt she owed it to Merry to help Pippin do so.

"Oh Milady what have I done?" Pippin asked. "He must be so disappointed with me! If our roles had been reversed and he had forgotten about me… But I know he wouldn't have. I feel so ashamed."

"We all know how sad you were when it happened" Éowyn said. "Nobody is denying that, we could all see how you were hurting even though you wouldn't let it show. You tried to be brave but we saw it anyways, that you were hurting. And that was as it should, that you hurt when he died. You just stopped too soon, that's all. And not too soon for his sake but for your own."

"It was so unexpected. I never thought I would have to say goodbye while I was so young. There is no word I hate more than goodbye, saying goodbye is the hardest thing we ever have to do. For a lot of years I was lost, but I wouldn't realise it. Now I'm lost in a different way…"

"There are many people here in Gondor who have had to face the loss of someone they care deeply about. This generation has seen more loss than any generation should. A friend, a brother, a father, a cousin, a lover, a child… The list goes on and on. It may not seem like it but there is a great deal of understanding to be found here."

Pippin nodded and glanced over at the marble cat which kept constant guard over the spot. It was an odd compromise, to place a marble cat there to watch over his cousin. Merry had never been particularly fond of cats, at least not as far as Pippin could recall. But cats seemed to have some special meaning to the people of Gondor. Pippin felt a dog would have been much more suiting. A dog was a known watchkeeper, and dogs were loyal and trustworthy.

Éowyn interrupted his thoughts.

"I was hoping that just by being here again you would remember that which you're trying to forget" she said. "There is a reason why you won't face the truth, and I think you can find that reason here."

"Do you know what the reason is?" Pippin asked.

"I think only you know what the reason is."

"This place hasn't helped me remember so far…" He shook his head. "That's half a lie. I do remember, more than I thought I would. Just nothing helpful. There are so many memories here…"

"It might take some time."

"It's taken me a decade so far" Pippin said. "I do remember, milady… I remember very vividly, so many things. But I don't know what that reason you speak of is. I remember even though it's hard to remember, I remember with joy and with sorrow…"

"That's what memories are like."

Pippin was quiet for a moment.

"Merry knew he was going to die."

"Sorry?" Éowyn said, taken aback by the sudden comment.

"He knew he was going to die. He talked to me so funnily the last time we met. Said some odd things… He knew."

"I don't believe he knew anymore than you did."

"When I find the key perhaps I will also be able to forgive myself for not realising then and there that there was something wrong. No, that's a lie. I knew there was something wrong. But I didn't have time to ask him what it was. I failed him. And he knew, yet he forgave me before his death."

"I hope you can find the key you need" Éowyn said, eager to change the subject. "Something has to be changed, Peregrin, you cannot go on this way. I remember how it was way back then, how you lived in a world filled with pain with little room for any light to shine through… I look at you now and I still see you in that world. Yes there is light now, but the pain remains."

"There is light in my life" Pippin said with a smile. "Ever since I met my wife there has been plenty of light… I am very happy now Milady, that is as true as me standing here. There used to be a time when I would trade every single tomorrow for just one yesterday but now I wouldn't trade an hour…"

"Yet in spite of this happiness there is something not quite right with you."

"I wouldn't say that" Pippin said. "I'm just not the same Hobbit I used to be. But truth be told the change might have been for the better."

"A moment ago you were talking about how much you miss him, now you're saying that things are better this way."

Pippin shrugged his shoulders.

"Maybe what was wrong with me, as you put it, was that I hadn't admitted these things to myself… But now I have and it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off my chest. And for the first time I truly feel that it is alright for me to feel content with what my life is like now. As I said, I am happy. And that is alright."

"Of course it is."

"Milady if you don't mind… I would like to finally say goodbye."

"Certainly" Éowyn said and drew back into the shadows.

Before she left the spot she turned and looked at Pippin, kneeling by the marble cat. She still couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong but she decided to disregard the feeling. She had never been close with Peregrin, she might have been able to read Merry's mind with great skill but Pippin was entirely different. And the Hobbit did seem at peace.

She walked back to the party, leaving Pippin and Merry alone.