Ithilien, July of 1436
Gimli and Legolas walked together through the halls of the Ithilien castile. Neither of them had said a word all morning, but Gimli was used to Legolas' silence by now. The Elf had never been very talkative, most of the time Gimli did almost all the talking, but lately Legolas had been even more quiet than normal. They had travelled with Pippin from the Shire to Ithilien and during that travel Legolas had not spoken a word to Pippin save from what he couldn't avoid. Pippin hadn't seemed to notice but Gimli noticed it far too clearly. Now they were here to bring Pippin to Minas Tirith and Gimli had a strong feeling Legolas wouldn't speak more often with Pippin this time around. It had been the same when they had escorted the Hobbit to the Shire all those years ago, this time would hardly be any different.
"Legolas…" he said. "What are you going to say to the little one?"
"On the subject of what?" Legolas asked, seemingly indifferent to the urging tone in Gimli's voice.
"On the subject of anything at all. I think he might need you to talk with him a little more. It's been eleven years."
"Gimli my friend, you must have me confused with a man" Legolas said and the hint of a smile appeared on his face. "Elves can reside in their memories in a whole other way than you can."
That answer merely puzzled Gimli and he decided to let it be. They were shown in to the throne room where Faramir was waiting for them. They had been invited to stay overnight, an invitation which they had gladly accepted since they preferred starting out their journey in the morning.
Pippin was not present when they arrived. Faramir informed them he was off training the sons of some of the soldiers in swordplay. Pippin's height made him ideally suited for the children to practice together with and for the past week this had been his main occupation. Many of the soldiers got a good laugh from the old war hero fencing with children but what Pippin thought of the whole thing was unknown.
After meeting with Faramir Gimli and Legolas went to see their Hobbit friend. They found him giving instructions to an eleven year-old who was taller than Pippin himself. When he saw his two friends he told the child they would continue some other time and went up to greet the Elf and the Dwarf.
"So you have arrived" he said. "It's nice to see you again so soon. My lord Faramir tells me you have accepted the invitation to stay overnight. Good decision. They're serving a lovely steak tonight which I would have been sad to miss."
"How have you been, Master Halfling?" Gimli asked.
"Peachy" Pippin said with a grin. "But I'm more than ready to leave now. I came here to confront the past and so I have. Now I want to see Strider and make myself useful doing something other than fencing with children."
Pippin gave Gimli a welcoming hug, but when he turned to Legolas the Elf excused himself and left to tend to the horse. Pippin gave Gimli a questioning look. He knew very well that the horse would be properly taken care of and it was not like Legolas to question something like that.
"Tell me Master Dwarf…" Pippin said and began walking together with Gimli. "Have I done something to upset our Elf friend? It seems I can't remember the last time he spoke with me willingly or interacted with me at all without looking troubled."
"No you haven't done anything wrong" Gimli assured him. "Don't let it get to you. Elves are queer, we both know that."
"What is the problem then?" Pippin asked, ignoring the comment on the queerness of the Elves. "I wish for you to tell me. I'd rather know so I can fix it than walk around wondering what I've done."
"It's not something you have done" Gimli said. "Just forget about it Pippin. There's nothing you can do."
"Gimli" Pippin said firmly. "If it's not something I have done, what is it then?"
Gimli was quiet for a moment, thinking it through. He didn't know for sure what the issue was but he had a pretty good idea. However he didn't want to say anything to the Hobbit without knowing for sure.
"Come to think of it he's been acting this way since the last time I visited Ithilien" Pippin said. "After Merry's death I couldn't get any contact with him at all, he just drew away from me. Not that I minded at the time, I was just happy to be left alone… But now I wonder… Was I that much of a bother?"
"No it's not you" Gimli repeated. "I think it's just… well…"
"Don't beat around the bush with me Gimli, I know you're not the type to do so" Pippin said. "Whatever it is you can tell me."
Gimli hesitated before answering.
"He… liked Merry better, that's all."
"Excuse me?"
"Now don't get me wrong" Gimli said. "He cared for you both, you know he did and still does. But he did favour Merry."
Pippin looked hurt.
"I wasn't aware of that."
"Don't get me wrong laddie, it's just that Merry was a bit more… old for his years than you were. I guess that appealed to an Elf. Me, I always found myself partial to your mischievous spirit. It's just the way things work, my friend. You two may have stuck together but you were two different Hobbits and I guess it's hard to avoid ending up favouring one over the other. But we loved you both and we still do."
"Even so, what does that have to do with this?" Pippin asked. "So he cared more for Merry! That's no reason to act this way around me now. Eleven years after the fact! Gimli does Legolas wish I had been the one to die and not Merry?"
"I wouldn't go that far" Gimli said. "But Pippin perhaps you should have this talk with Legolas instead of with me?"
"Indeed I should" Pippin said and crossed his arms with a sullen look on his face. "Indeed I will."
XX
XX
Pippin found Legolas in the gardens, the most likely place for any Elf to be. Legolas seemed deep in thought when Pippin found him and he didn't look up even when Pippin harked his throat to get his attention.
"If it's not too much trouble could I have a word with you?" Pippin asked firmly.
"Is it urgent?" Legolas asked without opening his eyes. "There will be plenty of time to talk later."
"There is no reason why we cannot talk here and now" Pippin said and strode up to the Elf. "All I want is some answers from you. Answers to why you are treating me like I don't even exist anymore! Answers to why you wish I had died and not Merry!"
Legolas opened his eyes.
"My friend, I have never expressed any such opinion."
"You liked him better, didn't you?" Pippin said, feeling more and more hurt by each minute. "You cared more for him than for me. That is fine, that is up to you. But I will not call you my friend even a minute longer if you I truth wish that he was still here rather than me. It's not my fault that he is gone! And I don't need your reasons for justifying it, just tell me flat out whether I am wrong or not!"
Legolas rose to his feet and offered Pippin a faint smile.
"I do not miss Merry the way you do" he said.
"I know, you couldn't possibly."
"I don't for the simple reason that I can be with him whenever I please. Us Elves have that ability, to see our memories as vividly as if they were happening right this moment. When you remember someone that vividly you do not need to miss them."
"Then what is the problem?" Pippin asked with frustration. "Why won't you talk to me other than when you are forced to? Why won't you look me in the eye unless you just cannot avoid to? Why do you treat me like I carry some disease which might infect you if you stay in my presence for more than a minute at a time? It has been that way ever since his death and there must be some reason for it. Otherwise you are not my friend and brother."
"It's not that I wish you were in his place" Legolas said and began to walk away. "The thought of trading one for the other has never occurred to me."
"Don't walk away from me! If you do then we are no longer friends."
Legolas stopped.
"That is the third time today that you have threatened to end our friendship. You have grown hostile over the years."
"In truth that friendship died the day Merry did. You haven't treated me fair for a single second since that happened. And I want to know why. I deserve to know why"
The Elf turned around and took a good look at Pippin for the first time in eleven years. The look only lasted for a few seconds and then he looked away again.
"It's not that he is gone" Legolas said. "Not that you survived when he did not. It's seeing you now."
"Seeing me?"
"Seeing you alone, without him."
Pippin was taken aback. He had not known what to expect from Legolas during this confrontation, but this was not it.
"You were always so close" Legolas said. "Always together. I cannot get used to seeing just one of you; I keep expecting to see the other standing nearby. And I fear it is too much for me to handle. I cannot escape into my memories when seeing you and being forced to face the truth that there is only one of you now. I still can't believe he's gone. I drew back when Merry had just died because when I saw the devastation in your face it was like losing you both."
"But I'm still here" Pippin said, in a much softer tone than before. "He is gone but I remain. Eleven years, Legolas! The Hobbits you remember are part of the past, this Hobbit is on his own now. And I'm doing well. If you had taken the time to speak with me you would know that. Yes I was sad when he died, what else could I be, but life went on. I am perfectly capable of living my life without him, we were friends but we were not always together as you seem to remember it. He was my cousin and my best friend but he died and there's nothing wrong with me being without him now. And we did not spend every waking minute together when he lived; surely you must have memories of one of us being without the other…"
"Your cousin… Best friends…" Legolas shook his head. "Pippin no one could ever have guessed you were even related. You were very different from one another. Too different. Only together did you seem whole."
"There is someone else in my life to fill that space now" Pippin said. "If you can relive the old days through your memories then do so if it works for you. But open your eyes, take a good look at me and see that I am not merely Merry's shadow. Stop treating me like I'm worth nothing without him."
With a chill running down his spine Pippin left Legolas alone and hurried back to his duties. He was furious with the Elf, he hated being chained to the past this way. Why was it that people either expected him to have forgotten completely or to not having forgotten anything at all? All he wanted was to live his life as it was now but when even his closest friends wouldn't let him he felt more claustrophobic than ever before in his life. At that moment he wished he hadn't returned to Ithilien. He would rather have stayed in the Shire without getting any closure than to know what he had just learned from someone he had once considered a trusted friend and brother.
XX
XX
Éowyn could not sleep. Having tossed and turned for a good couple of hours she decided to get out of bed and get some fresh air. The dress she had worn earlier in the day was still lying out and she quickly put it on in case she would run into one of the soldiers on night patrol. With a light in her hand she set out for a walk through the gardens.
The gardens were quiet this time of night. A pale moon light lit up the path before her with the help of her candle but she would probably have been able to find her way even without any light. She walked around aimlessly for a while and without noticing it came near Merry's burial spot. In the pale light she could spot a figure lying on the ground and her heart skipped a beat as she for a moment thought she was seeing a ghost. Then she realised it was not the buried Halfling resting on the ground but the living one.
"Master Peregrin what are you doing out here at this time of night?" she asked and hurried over.
Pippin bolted up to a sitting position when he heard her voice and looked deeply troubled with having been caught.
"You should be in bed!" Éowyn exclaimed. "You have an early journey tomorrow!" Then she saw the tear tracks on his cheeks. "Is there something the matter?"
"Nothing…" Pippin slowly said, staring straight into space without really seeing anything. "Just something Legolas said."
"What did Legolas say?"
"That it was too strange for him to see just me instead of both me and Merry." Another tear fell down Pippin's cheek. "I had forgotten that pain! How could I have forgotten? It was the hardest bit of all!"
"What was?" Éowyn asked and sat down next to him on the ground.
A few more tears fell down Pippin's cheeks. For once he didn't even try to hinder them. The night was chilly for a July night and he was only wearing a light summer garment, but he didn't seem to be freezing. He didn't seem to be feeling anything at all except for what was in his heart.
"What was the hardest bit, Master Peregrin?"
"To be just me" Pippin said. "Only me. We were always together Merry and I, we sought out each other's company and that was how it was. People were used to seeing us together; I was used to having him around whenever we were both free to do whatever we chose. The worst part of his death Milady was that I was suddenly so desperately alone. Always having to be one, alone, where two always were before. And people saw it! Of course they did, here comes old Pip Took all alone, his companion is not there anymore. They had trouble getting used to it and it showed. I was never allowed to forget! That look they would give me… it was horrible! Nobody knew what to say or how to treat me and in the end they just made the whole thing worse! If they had just treated me the same as before I would have gotten over knowing that I was all alone now, but you cannot forget what people constantly shove in your face! It took me years to grow accustomed to being just Pippin where there used to be a Merry as well. I keep my wife near me as much as I can, I know she finds it annoying sometimes but I just cannot be alone for too long. It frightens me! I'm not used to being all alone."
"I'm sure nobody meant any offence to you" Éowyn said. "People just never know what to say to those who have lost something they value a lot."
"It's funny… I used to walk beside him wherever I went. I'm so used to that, eleven years has not been enough time to completely rid me of that habit. I still think he's walking there beside me, I know it's silly but I honestly think that sometimes, but when I turn to talk to him… There's just an empty space. Just… air where there used to be a Hobbit."
"Maybe he is gone" Éowyn said. "But the memories aren't. And the friendship you got from him will always be here."
"It's not the same."
"No it's not. But it's still something. And I think it's promising that you are able to recognise these things now instead of hiding them and telling yourself that you are over what happened. I do not think you can truly get over every loss. Life moves on and is lived with great joy, but when you've lost someone very close to you that loss is kept with you. But in truth Master Peregrin nothing has changed. Has your friendship come to an end because of his untimely death? Has it? Will you not still be friends when you meet again on the other side of life?"
"You are right" Pippin said. "Even though he's gone we're still friends."
"Then what does the rest matter?"
"Perhaps Legolas had a point in what he said about memories… Perhaps even a Hobbit can remember things so vividly that they seem to be happening all over again. I know I have the power to bring him back in my mind. During the first year after his death I would often close my eyes to be with him when I felt troubled. Just by closing my eyes he felt nearer to me."
"I've heard many people say the same thing about loved ones they lost during the War" Éowyn said. "I can still see my uncle very vividly if I close my eyes."
"Effective, isn't it? I haven't used that comfort for a long time… It's been almost ten years, in fact! But then tonight I really needed it… I'm glad Sam talked me into coming here. I've conquered many of my demons, there were a lot of things I needed to sort out and I didn't even know it."
"Samwise is a wise Hobbit" Éowyn said with a nod. "He sees things sometimes which others don't pick up on."
"I am ready to fully move on now" Pippin said. "For good. For real. I feel I can finally dry the tears I've never cried and… contact the living. I'll never be able to understand just how I managed to let him off my mind for so long but at least now I can do it the right way."
"You've found your key, I assume."
"I guess I have" Pippin said. "I've tried so hard to convince myself that he is really not coming back and that I'm okay with it. After all these years now I know that I needed to feel some things before I could put them aside. I am not fully finished with doing so but at least I am on my way."
"I'm glad to hear it" Éowyn said. "But now you really must get into bed, Master Peregrin! You have an early day tomorrow!"
Pippin rose from his spot and took her offered hand. Together they walked back towards the castile. He remembered that he once thought she was so much stronger than him. Now he was sure he was right.