Minas Tirith, September of 1436
A few weeks passed, and then Merry was deemed well enough to get to leave the Houses. The cuts and bruises he had had when he first arrived were all gone and so were his headaches. The only thing that hadn't improved was his memory, he still remembered only Éowyn, but the others had by a silent agreement not pushed him any further. They all hoped that once he got out of the small room where he had never spent much time in the past and out to the green gardens and the old familiar surroundings his memory would start to come back to him.
The anxiety and fear that Merry had felt during his first few days had vanished. He had grown to trust the fact that these people were not out to harm him and had accepted that he had been here before, before he lost his memory. There were a lot of pieces to the puzzle that could never be given to him by anyone other than himself, but for now he knew enough to feel comfortable.
On this day, his first out of the room, his four friends had come to accompany him out to the gardens. Clothes had been made that would fit him and he had to admit he felt pretty good being dressed in new and fresh clothes instead of the old rags he had been found in. Once he had begun to feel comfortable and secure in his new surroundings he didn't need them as much anymore, but he still kept them in a bag he had been given, unwilling to let go completely.
The one he felt most comfortable with aside from Éowyn was Legolas, even though they had not spent much time together. Legolas hardly ever spoke when they were near one another, which Merry only found relieving since he wouldn't know what to say to an Elvish prince. The Elf simply looked at him with approving eyes, and there was something about his close contact with nature which made Merry feel drawn to him. As for the other three, he accepted them and tolerated them even though he didn't see any friendships growing between him and them. The king was a busy man, even though he took time every day to come and visit, but he felt distant somehow and Merry found it to be a bit awkward. Though not as awkward as with the blunt Dwarf who had trouble hiding his disappointment in Merry's lack of memory.
The three companions had arrived first, while Merry was still trying to button the end of his sleeves. It felt like he hadn't used a button in ages, at first he had some trouble and it took him a while to get the hang of it. Just as he was finished buttoning the last button Pippin showed up and stopped just inside the door without saying a word. Merry didn't pay any attention to him; he hadn't seen much of him since the day after his return. He assumed the other Hobbit was busy and didn't think much of it.
"There!" he happily declared and made a little pose. "All buttoned up and ready to meet the world! How do I look?"
"Now there's the old jolly Hobbit we remember!" Gimli said, receiving looks from his two companions. "What, we cannot say the word remember anymore?"
"You look like a proper Hobbit" Legolas said with a slight smile.
"Now as I understand it, it is a Hobbit privilege to eat as many mushrooms as possible" Merry said. "So since I am a proper Hobbit now, does that mean I can get a bucket full of mushrooms in addition to supper?"
"I will see what I can do" Aragorn said with a smile. "We can find one for you and Pippin to share."
"Finally the two of you can dart about here again, dividing your time between eating, being in the way and chattering till everyone's ears fall off" Gimli said. "It's just not the same with only one of you."
With a slight shake to his head and not a word uttered Pippin left again. Merry saw him leave and frowned.
"What's gotten into him? Does he have work to do?"
"Knowing Pippin he probably forgot something that had to be done" Aragorn said, although he couldn't figure out why Pippin had left Merry for that reason. Especially now when they were supposed to accompany Merry out in the gardens.
"Are we ready to go?" Merry asked.
"Yes, let us leave this place now" Legolas said. "And pray none of us will have to spend another night here in a very long time."
"Leave the bag; someone will be by to pick it up" Aragorn told Merry.
Merry nodded and with an excited grin followed the other three out into the hallway. They walked through the House of Healing, and as they approached the doors out to the gardens Merry noticed how all three of them were looking at him discreetly. He stopped, and the others asked him if something was wrong.
"I do have eyes" he said. "I can see your eyes on me. What is going on?"
The three companions shared a few looks while Merry waited impatiently. Every now and then he had a relapse with his trusting issues and right now he was beginning to wonder exactly what they were looking for.
"You haven't been outside your room until now" Aragorn finally said. "We were hoping that the change of scenery would help you, that familiar places would bring back memories. I guess we are watching you to see if you remember anything."
"If you don't mind I would rather walk out into the gardens on my own" Merry said, irritated by the pressure they put on him.
"That's not such a good idea" Gimli objected. "You've just recovered from your illness; you shouldn't be on your own."
"It's a garden" Merry snorted. "What could possibly happen to me in a garden? A tree could attack me?"
The three companions shared another look. Merry grunted and strode off, leaving them behind.
"Legolas go after him, make sure he doesn't get into any trouble" Aragorn said. "Gimli you and I can move his things over to his new room, we don't need one of the servants to do that."
Legolas nodded to his friends and on light feet followed Merry out in the gardens. He found the Hobbit standing just outside the doors, with his eyes closed, his head tilted back and his arms stretched backwards. He could hear the Hobbit taking deep breaths to fill his lungs with the fresh air and the lovely scents. It was a warm September day, autumn had not yet begun, and it was the perfect day for Merry to visit the gardens.
The Hobbit just stood there for a long time, letting the sun warm his face and the wind move through his curls. He felt much more comfortable out in the open than he had done indoors. He could feel the grass under his feet and he longed to get to feel dirt, moss and rocks as well. He was happy to be alone, with nobody watching him as far as he knew. He felt more connected to the ground beneath his feet than to the people surrounding him, he knew that whatever he had done in his previous life and wherever he had been he had had ground under his feet and it had felt similar to this.
Finally he opened his eyes again and took a good look around, admiring all the colours around him. His room had been mostly white marble; the lack of colour had disturbed him earlier, unfortunately the view from his small window showed only a yellow field. But the garden had lots of greens, reds and blues and he knew that once autumn arrived the trees would carry a cascade of colours to feast your eyes on.
Slowly he began to walk through the garden, singing a song he had heard while he was in the Houses. He had no memories of any songs he had sung in the past, this was the only song he knew and it was actually a song the women sang when they washed the linen, but it was good enough for right now.
He hadn't gotten far when an odd feeling came over him. Somehow being in the garden made him feel uncomfortable. He couldn't shake the feeling once it had come over him so he made up his mind to turn back to the Houses and wait for someone to come pick him up there.
To take his mind off the odd feeling he began to wonder who they would send to fetch him. Most likely it would be the king himself who came to bring him to the dinner table and then show him to his new sleeping quarters. The Elf never ran any errands as far as Merry knew, and the Dwarf always seemed to say something inappropriate so he would be unlikely to be left alone with Merry.
He hoped Éowyn would be the one to come and get him. He had not had many chances to see her since she had gone back to Ithilien to settle some matters there, but he hoped she would be back by now. Then he couldn't help but wonder if they would send the other Hobbit to come and get him. Pippin had been so persistent during the first two days and then he had backed off completely. He had only been by twice since then, both time in the company of Aragorn and both times without saying more than he had to. The change baffled Merry. He never seemed to be able to feel comfortable around that other being who was so similar to him in appearance but miles away in personality. At first Pippin's eagerness and joy had been overwhelming and frightening to Merry. Now the less enthusiastic look on the other Hobbit's face made him feel uncomfortable. He didn't know how to act around him and was only happy not to have to be near him.
Just as he was thinking about this Pippin came walking around a corner with a human child in his company. All three of them stopped and looked at one another. The child looked from Pippin to Merry and back again and then tugged Pippin's arm.
"Master Peregrin, is this the other Perian?"
Pippin didn't answer. The child again looked from one Hobbit to the other and came to the conclusion that this had to be the Perian that had arrived a few weeks ago and caused such a commotion.
"I bid you welcome" he said to Merry and bowed. "I am Eldarion, son of Aragorn. Prince of Gondor."
Merry returned the bow.
"And I am Merry, but whose son I am I do not know. It's nice to meet you, young prince. I have met your father on many occasions these past weeks."
Without saying anything Pippin grabbed Eldarion by the arm and walked past Merry on to wherever they had been heading moments ago. Merry could sense the coldness coming from the Hobbit and it made him angry. He hadn't done anything to this Hobbit yet he seemed to be mad at him. He walked off in his own direction, mulling over the sudden change of heart in Pippin.
XX
XX
"Who was that?" Eldarion asked as soon as they were out of hearing range.
"It was Merry, Meriadoc son of Saradoc. Though he doesn't know it."
"Meriadoc was in the fellowship, was he not?" Eldarion said, annoyed that he hadn't been informed about this before. He stopped and crossed his arms over his chest. "There was a Perian in the fellowship named Meriadoc, I know this! Is it him?"
"Yes it is him" Pippin said.
"What is wrong with him?" the prince asked. "How can he not know who his father is? And why do you look like you don't want to talk about him, when he is a member of your fellowship?"
"Things have changed since we last saw one another" Pippin said.
"I was told Meriadoc had died" Elboron said. "I hate being lied to!"
"You weren't lied to, calm down young prince. He disappeared ten years ago and we thought him to be dead. Then he was found again a few weeks back."
"Aren't you happy? You looked like you were mad at him!"
"Of course I am happy. Things are just complicated. And I don't wish to talk about it."
"I can keep a secret, you know."
"I don't wish to talk about it with anyone."
"Peregrin…" Eldarion said impatiently and patted his foot on the ground.
"He was my best friend once. But there are some things that have changed. Things I have learned. We can't go back to what we were and I don't see us moving forward right now either. It's personal Eldarion, and I won't discuss it any further!"
Eldarion knew he wouldn't be able to push the Hobbit any further right now. With a sigh he followed him through the gardens, heading back towards the citadel.
XX
XX
Legolas watched Merry from a safe distance as he examined the gardens, and noticed that the Hobbit's enthusiasm was much lesser now than it had been. A frown appeared on the Elf's face. While Merry was feeling much better now than he had just a few days ago he was still fragile and shouldn't be exposed to too much at one time. They didn't even know for sure what was wrong with him.
Merry continued through the gardens, intentionally or unintentionally starting to head for the garden gates. Once he reached them Legolas would approach him and bring him to his new chambers where he could rest before dinner.
Suddenly Merry stopped and his hand flew up to his forehead like he had had a sudden headache. The expression on his face made Legolas decide that Merry needed to be taken away from all these new impressions, fearing that the headache might get worse if he stayed out here, but before he stepped out to reveal himself he paused to listen. He had heard someone else approaching from another direction and now they were close enough for Legolas to hear what they were saying. He wanted to know who they were and what they were doing before he made his presence known.
"Go back up to the citadel" he heard Pippin's voice say.
"But…" Eldarion's voice began to reply.
"Go" Pippin said with emphasis. "You will be late!"
Then Legolas saw Pippin step out into the glade where Merry had by now gotten down on his knees. The younger Hobbit kneeled beside the older and handed something to him.
"Thank you" Merry mumbled.
He grabbed the water canteen and drank greedily from it, feeling better with every sip. Then he smiled apologetically to Pippin, who had placed his hand on Merry's shoulder, and handed the canteen back.
"Hold on to it for now" Pippin said. "You might need it. And carry one of your own around from now on."
"Thank you" Merry said and with the help of Pippin got back on his feet. "I don't know where that headache came from, it was pretty frightening. Thank you for your help."
"That's what friends are for. Though I suspect you have forgotten."
Merry looked at him for a second and didn't know what to say. Pippin had given him a hand and seemed friendly enough but it was not quite as it should. Merry had a feeling Pippin was helping him because he felt he had to and not because he wanted to. But then he shrugged the thought. His insecurities had made him jump to conclusions a few times these past few weeks and sometimes he had been far from the truth. Pippin might very well only be looking out for his best interest, only Merry's insecurities regarding him twisted it around into something else.
"Come along, let's get you inside" Pippin said and with a firm grip of Merry's arm with one hand and the other placed on his shoulder began to lead him back the way he had come. "To the House of Healing and let them have a look at you."
"I don't want to go back there" Merry protested.
"You don't have a say in it."
Realising it was better not to argue Merry obediently followed Pippin through the gardens. His headache was a bit better but he couldn't deny that it would be for the better if one of the medics took a look at him.
"What are you even doing out in the gardens by yourself?" Pippin asked.
"I wanted to see the gardens" Merry said. "But I didn't find them as lovely as I thought I would. I guess I'm just not much of a garden person." He paused. "I'm glad you were there to help me. For some reason I hadn't expected you to be."
"I probably shouldn't" Pippin said. "After how you've turned my world on its head for the second time, this time even worse than before, I should probably just have left you and sent someone to make sure you were alright."
"Those are awfully harsh things to say for someone who a few weeks ago claimed to be the best friend I ever had."
"It was different then."
"How?"
"It just was, alright?"
"Well I think it is unfair that you are angry with me for something which I have no idea that I've done, and then you refuse to tell me about it. Be mad if you like, but if so let me know why."
"I need some time."
"What for?"
"It's all very shocking to me. You were gone, dead, for a very long time. Now you aren't dead all of a sudden and I don't know what to do with that. For eleven years I prayed that I would get to see you and spend just one more second in your company. Then you appeared and you pushed me away. I'm sorry if it inconveniences you that I'm having a hard time with it all, but I'm trying to stay away so you cannot tell me I am bothering you!"
"Help me understand then" Merry said. "There's no reason why we must be enemies. If I did something to you in the past then I'm sorry, but I'm a different Hobbit now and perhaps you can judge me based on what I do now and not what I did over a decade ago?"
"I just want my space" Pippin said. "I'm glad you are alive and all, but I'd rather be on my own and just know you still exist than to see you constantly and know that you have changed."
"What is it that keeps you living in the past like this?" Merry asked. "Life did not end for either of us eleven years ago, there is no reason why you couldn't live in the now. Obviously you are holding on to something which isn't good for you."
"I had let it go, and then you came."
"And then I came and what?"
"You will never understand what those empty days without you were like, or what I lost the day you returned which I thought I had lost a decade earlier!"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You can't remember how things were before, I realise that" Pippin said. "All I want now is to start fresh. I carried you with me all those years you were gone, I have been loving you so long. But all of that is in the past now, I have cherished a memory and picture of something that never truly existed. Not the way I thought it did. It's hard to pick up the pieces of an old friendship, especially when one cannot even remember the other. I don't know that I have the strength to do that, nor the will or desire anymore."
"Just a few weeks ago you sounded like that was all you wanted."
Pippin stopped and grabbed Merry by the hands, facing him. He looked him deep in the eyes as if searching for something. Merry got the odd feeling that he was clinging on to something, looking for some confirmation that a horrible truth was in fact no truth at all. And he had a feeling that if these next few moments didn't go well then something might change for Pippin forever.
"Do you really not remember me?" Pippin asked. "Nothing at all? Not even a trace of a feeling, even if you can't remember past actions?"
Merry swallowed and turned his head away. He was not comfortable in this situation. The intensity in this Hobbit was frightening, and it was frustrating to not be able to give him whatever he so feverishly searched for.
"What's it like not to see what I need you to see?" Pippin asked, seemingly more to himself than to Merry. "To look into the face of the person you were the closest to in all the world and see and feel nothing? To not see friendship, comradery, trust and security? We were never apart before and now you don't even know my face…"
"As long as you claim we've been friends it should be easy to see it" Merry said. "Yet I don't. Understand I have no answers for you, I don't know if I see nothing because there's nothing there to see, or if I see nothing because something bad has happened to me and everything that I once cared about is gone! You claim memories are all you have… I don't even have that."
"Please, don't ask me to understand. It's so hurtful to look at you and see the affection you don't feel. Don't ask me to understand, you have betrayed me and you don't even know it. You have no idea what I have lost; it feels like I've lost the first thirty years of my life and more! And all I know is what it's like now, I don't know what it would have been like if you had been here all along. I would probably still have been believing the lie."
"What lie?"
"I want to just forget about it all" Pippin said and let go of Merry's hands. "Start over fresh. Move on from the spot where I'm still standing, the spot where you left me when you disappeared. And try not to hate myself for all the time I have wasted."
"It seems to be some fine things have been given to you in life" Merry said. "What do you have to feel bitter about?"
"Part of me disappeared with you" Pippin said. "I've been lost since I lost you. I need to find myself again, only this time it has to be for real. And I need to accept the way things are. I swear one day I will no longer care that you ever meant something to me."
Merry backed away a bit.
"Why are you so harsh? How am I ever supposed to understand what things used to be like when you act this way? If this is how you show your commitment to a friendship then I'm better off alone, without you."
"That's what I want" Pippin snarled.
"Merry!"
The two Hobbits turned their heads and saw Legolas coming towards them. He had overheard their conversation and decided to break it before it got ugly. He could tell that they were both about to start saying things to one another which they might regret later. He walked up to them and grabbed Merry by the hand.
"Let's get you to Aragorn" he said. "He wants to see you before supper."
He began to lead Merry away, giving Pippin a look which made it clear that he had overheard and he thought Pippin was out of line. Merry stopped after a few paces and turned towards Pippin again.
"There is just one thing that I do not understand…" he said. "If you wish you could forget you were ever friends with me, and I mean nothing to you now… why did you stop to help me instead of sending someone else?"
"The bond we had is gone, perhaps it never even existed. I look into your face and I don't know who you are anymore. All I feel is anger and resentment. I know all that, but I also do know that I will help you if you need it. That's just how it is, how it's always been in fact, and it's like an instinct to me. If you need help I will be there, whether or not I want to, because I don't have a say in it."
"You don't like me, you don't want my friendship and yet you can't turn your back on me… Can you tell me anything at all that actually makes sense?" Merry asked.
"Goodbye Merry" Pippin said and walked away.