Minas Tirith, November of 1436
When Merry had been back for three months he began to feel restless. He had no real work to do, as he served Éomer King and he had returned to Rohan. When Éowyn was there he wouldspend most of his days with herbut she could not come as often as Merry would like her to. He loved having her there, even though he could not remember many specific meetings between them in the past he had recognised her from the first day and he knew who she was. Being in her company was easy and free of any pressure, for she didn't need him to remember her. He already did. When he was with her he could talk about anything on his mind and wonder about anything at all. He needed someone in his life to have that connection with and he missed it when she was in Ithilien. He wished he could travel there with her but he hadn't dared to ask, in case it would be considered inappropriate. He knew he had sworn allegiance to her brother but he didn't know if that meant he had also sworn it to her and could work in her service. Nor did he know if he was expected to want to service the king first and later on service the lady. There were so many rules, both written and unwritten, and he had a hard time learning them all.
He shared his chambers with Pippin, but rarely saw him. Pippin was up from early morning, dividing his time between the king and the prince, and did not get back until late at night. As far as Merry knew he never took any time for himself, all he did was work. When they were alone in their chambers they rarely spoke, Merry didn't know what to say and Pippin rarely seemed to have anything to say at all. Though sometimes he looked at Merry with eyes that seemed so hurt that it made Merry afraid. He could not shake the feeling that this Hobbit felt Merry owed him something, something he would never be able to give. It was as if they had gotten stuck in a bad pattern and didn't know how to get out of it. Merry wasn't even sure that either one of them had the energy to get out of it. Merry was exhausted enough trying to remember and Pippin worked so hard at the citadel.
Pippin was however not quite as busy as Merry thought he was. It was true that he reported in early each morning and didn't retreat to his chambers until late at night, but in-between he had a lot of free time on his hands. Elboron had been put under more strict schooling and Pippin only accompanied him in the afternoons. He spent his mornings helping Aragorn sort though what seemed like a never-ending pile of paper work, something which he had gotten a lot of practice at as the Thain. But once he had had his second breakfast he was free to do whatever he wished until after his afternoon tea, except on the rare occasions when he took up his old duties as citadel guard. He chose not to go back to his chambers on the days when he had time to spare, since he wanted to be away from Merry as much as he could.
He spent a lot of his time managing correspondence with his family back in the Shire, keeping an eye on the affairs of Tuckburough from a distance. He also spent a lot of time working on a new saddle which he was making for the return journey. He had begun to learn the craft of handling leather and had made up his mind to complete a saddle all on his own. In the back of his mind he had decided that when the saddle was finished he would go back home. He had been away for long enough; the only thing keeping him here was Merry. He knew he could not return without him but he also knew that Merry was not ready. Regardless of what their relationship was now, Pippin could still see that Merry needed more time to find his feet back on steady ground. There could be no talk of a long journey to yet another crowd he wouldn't remember until he was safe and secure in this environment. The situation had to be dealt with one thing at a time.
Secretly Pippin feared what would happen when they returned. In the Shire Merry had family, relatives who would all be eager to hear what had happened to him and who would suffocate him within minutes. But it was not just the people there that worried Pippin. While there were a lot of things for Merry to adjust to in Gondor things were still relatively simple there. They visited, they served their lords, they went home. In the Shire Merry was bound by a whole set of obligations, commitments and promises. At least he had been when he disappeared. Pippin did not know if people would expect him to honour those commitments upon his return and regardless of whether or not they would there were problems. If they expected him to then Merry would be thrown into several roles which he had no knowledge of now and would not be able to handle. If they did not expect him to then all the things that should be his by right would be gone if he later got his memory back. Staying in Gondor was the best thing right now, with any luck Merry would regain his memory before they had to leave.
Pippin had not told anybody in the Shire that Merry was alive. There was no point in telling them, they would find out sooner or later anyhow. Though it was hard writing to those at home who were wondering what was prolonging his stay when he could not give them the real reason why. He did not want to make up lies so all he told them was that some affairs had come up and he needed to tend to them before he could leave. He would remain in Gondor indefinitely.
As for his own relationship with Merry, he felt more lost now than he had ever been. He could not look at his cousin without being overcome by a sense of hurt, too great for him to handle. It didn't seem fair that he had been forced to go though all of this. First losing his cousin and having to believe that he was dead, then have him returned after so many years and that only making matters worse. Pippin knew he was not sorry that Merry had returned, that was not what his sorrow was about. Knowing that Merry was alive and well was a comfort to him, but this was not how it should have been. He and Merry should have rejoiced in their reunion, knowing that nothing was wrong in the world anymore now that they were together. All the years apart should have vanished and been forgotten and they would have picked up the pieces right where they were shattered and together mended them so that you could never even tell they had been shattered in the first place.
Instead Pippin shared his chambers with a stranger, someone who looked and sounded like his old best friend but who failed to reach Pippin or even tried to do so. Had it not been for Merry recognising Éowyn he would almost have believed that it was not really him, even though there were physical signs which could not been denied. They had had this discussion the evening he was found, Gimli had been sceptical since the Hobbit they had found did not know who they were. Pippin had been sure however, not just because he would have known his cousin anywhere but he had recognised the scar above his eyebrow, and a scar on his left hand from when he had been slicing tomatoes the summer before he disappeared. It was Merry, at least by body. By spirit it could be anybody.
The fact that Merry recognised Éowyn was a spot so sore for Pippin that he could not stand seeing the two in each other's company. He liked Éowyn, he had never had anything but respect for her, but whenever she was together with Merry it was a painful reminder that Merry had forgotten his best friend but remembered a woman he had spent far less time with. It wounded Pippin's ego that Merry would recognise someone other than him, all his life he had believed he was the person closest to Merry but if that were the case then he wouldn't remember only Éowyn. When had Éowyn become such an important person in Merry's life that he would remember her and only her through all the forgotten years?
Somewhere in the back of his mind Pippin knew that this would all have to be dealt with sooner or later. In order for him to be able to have any kind of relationship with Merry at all they would have to sort though this. Though not yet. The last thing Merry needed right now was to be burdened with Pippin's jealousy and wounded pride. Preferably it would be dealt with when Merry had gotten his memories back, whenever that might be. He would have to wait and see, if Merry showed no signs of remembering Pippin would eventually have to have that talk with him anyway. But still there was hope, although some days Pippin woke up wishing his cousin would not remember anything for a few days still. He went back and forth from praying his cousin would remember to pray that it would be a while yet. He wasn't sure what foot to stand on anymore.
On top of the other burdens Pippin was beginning to crumble under the pressure that seemed to have been weighing down on his shoulders ever since his last visit to Gondor. People expected him to act a certain way when it came to Merry, they had their view of what a great friendship was like and they expected Pippin to rejoice accordingly now just as they had expected him to grieve accordingly in the past. But Pippin was not like that; he could not feel a certain way or act it out the way they expected him to just because people felt he should. His reactions were different, and people had a hard time understanding that. The night of Merry's return Pippin had gone to sleep with the relief of knowing that from now on he would not have to put on a show or adjust his actions to fit the view others had of how he should be behaving. It had not taken him long to realise that the burden was still very much there and would never leave him completely. It would be even worse in the Shire, where everybody would expect him and Merry to be like each other's shadows again. Pippin was sick and tired of acting like they wanted him to act, part of him wished he could just disappear as Merry had done and be rid of all his troubles. But there were too many things holding him back, people who relied on him.
During the years after Merry's supposed death Pippin had slowly but steadily built his life back up again. He had formed a new life based on him being without Merry and had made it work. He realised now that he was unwilling to let that change. He liked the life he had now and he had worked long and hard to have it this way. Yet there was no place for Merry in this life. The presence of his cousin would change everything, and Pippin didn't know that he had the strength to start all over again. Especially now when he had a wife and a son, who would also be affected by it all.
There was just no getting around it. All of his life he had been defined through Merry Brandybuck. Even in death his cousin had marked the greatest influence on his life and been what others defined Pippin Took by. Pippin felt strongly that he wanted no part of that anymore. He wanted to be regarded as just himself, as Pippin Took, not as the Hobbit who was always together with Merry. His life was his own and nobody else's, the constant presence of Merry was beginning to turn into a road block. It seemed to him now that all his hopes of creating a life where he was not viewed alongside Merry had all vanished upon his cousin's return.
XX
XX
Merry sat curled up on a windowsill looking out over the city which was being subjected to one of the bigger rainfalls so far this autumn. The weather outside was as gloomy as Merry felt inside. He drew his cape around him and realised he felt cold. But most of all he was bored and lonely. He longed for the return of Éowyn, he knew she would be there by the end of the following week but it seemed so far away. She was his pillar of strength and his rock to cling on to. Although he had no memories of things they had done together he remembered her very vividly and knew that they had been friends before. Because of his memories of her she never pressured him like the others did, he already knew who she was so she didn't have to try and help him awaken any memories. He knew she wished he would remember the things they had experienced together but he also knew that in the end she was glad that he just knew who she was. The few memories he had of them together were the things he cherished the most, apart from being in her company.
Merry lifted his head apathetically when he noticed Aragorn walking by and didn't know if he was happy or annoyed when the king stopped and walked up to talk to him. Part of him wanted something to do other than to stare out the window and somebody to keep him company, but another part of him just wanted to be left alone. Most of all he felt like he wanted to choose his own company.
"I never used to know any Hobbits to look morose" Aragorn said. "Now I think the two of you are competing over who can keep that look up the longest."
"I cannot be happy all the time" Merry said with a sigh. "Is it so odd that I feel low? I keep wondering where I am supposed to be right now and who is missing me. If you had not found me that day what would I be doing now?"
"You were unconscious when we found you; chances are you would be dead now if you hadn't been brought back here."
"But say I hadn't ended up in that shrubbery" Merry said. "What if the event that lead me there never occurred? Where would I have been right now, and in whose company? Somebody out there must be wondering where I am!"
"I feel for them" Aragorn said. "I know what it is like. But in the end Merry this is where you ought to be. The answer to your questions is that you should be right here right now. Only the question should not be regarding your doings if you hadn't ended up in that shrubbery, the question should be regarding what you would have done all these years had you never gotten lost in the first place."
"Sometimes I wonder if I really got lost" Merry said. "Sometimes I wonder if I didn't just find my way home. But I don't know, that's the problem. I might have spent the past decade in misery, longing to be back here. I might also have spent it in contentment, someplace I hoped I would never have to leave."
"A lot of things were taken from you when the orcs attacked you that day" Aragorn said. "But they are all given back to you now. They are within your reach, waiting for you to remember them and embrace them again."
"It was orcs who did it?" Merry asked.
"We think so. We found evidence that you had been in a battle with a party of orcs by the river banks."
"Odd, isn't it?" Merry remarked. "That I remember what an orc is but I don't remember this city."
"I suppose things we learn, skills and information, they stick with you even when you forget everything else. But things like people, places and bonds are lost. Memories seem to be divided into different kinds, and you can lose one but keep the other."
"I would like to have something to do during the days" Merry said, not interested in digging deeper into Aragorn's line of thoughts. "I walk around these halls and I do nothing, just wait for my memories to come back to me. Well what if they don't? Am I just to spend the rest of my life doing nothing?"
"What would you like to be doing?"
"I want to be at the Houses of Healing" Merry said. "Herblore interests me."
"Very well then" Aragorn said. "I shall go arrange for you to study herblore at the House of Healing as of tomorrow."
"Not just study them" Merry said. "Collect them, grow my own pharmacy. And treat sick people with them. Otherwise there is no point in it."
"One thing at a time" Aragorn said. "I will go make the arrangements now. Perhaps they will be ready for you tomorrow."
Merry nodded and thanked him as he left. At least being at the Houses would give him something to do with his time. He wondered if perhaps he was out of line asking to get to be there but the king had now given him his consent and Merry decided that would have to be proof enough that it was in its order. Though strangely he did not feel like he looked forward to it. All he wanted was to close his eyes, go to sleep and wake up somewhere where the world made sense again.
Without noticing it he fell asleep. He did not know for how long he had been sleeping when a cool hand on his forehead woke him up. Legolas looked at him with concerned eyes and sat down on the windowsill next to him.
"No need to look concerned" Merry said. "I'm not ill, just tired. Everybody thinks I'm fragile but I'm really not."
"Hobbits are a sturdy folk" Legolas said.
Merry smiled slightly. Legolas was one of the people he felt more comfortable with. He noticed that Gimli was there as well, and came to wonder how come these two were so often in each other's company. He could think of no queerer match, the tall, gentle and subtle Elf together with the short, brusque and loud noised Dwarf. Though it seemed that they found in each other qualities they lacked in themselves. Perhaps it was not true that like should always be with like.
"I know you think we're pampering you laddie" Gimli said. "Though you've been away for so long, you owe it to us to let us baby you."
"I seem to owe a lot to everyone" Merry commented.
"We had a family once" Legolas said and pulled one of his legs up underneath him. "Probably the strangest family you would ever see, at least if you only looked as far as what the eye could see. But we had bonds formed through much toil, weariness and shared adventures. We feel that bond with you still; you belong with us whether or not you feel it too. There are some agreements that you can't go back on. But we mean not to pressure you, whether or not you remember anything at all is really not relevant. All that is important to Gimli and me is that you respect the bonds that were and that you have understanding for the way people look at you."
"Believe me, I want to remember" Merry said. "If only so that I can end this trouble for you all. I know it hurts you that I don't remember and I'm sorry for that, I don't wish to cause you any harm or pain. It's hard for all of us. My head is so filled with wonderings and there's nowhere to turn to find out more. All these questions without answers are driving me out of my mind. And I've noticed that you are all reluctant to tell me anything about my past. Why is that?"
"You need to remember it on your own laddie, or you will never believe in it" Gimli said. "And we don't want to feed you our stories and memories and watch you suffocate under all this information which you don't know what to do with. We have been talking, Legolas and I, and we feel that perhaps we should all try and forget what was before and concentrate on building a new friendship, one that you feel that you own as much as we do. Something new and fresh."
"Pippin said something similar" Merry recalled.
"Though our opinions differ somewhat as to whether or not it will be possible" Legolas said. "For me it is not possible to let go of the memories for they are very vivid to me. Your presence still lingers here, the Hobbit you used to be, all the things we said and did and shared. Those things never really go away, they stay with you forever. I am willing to try but I cannot make any promises."
"Fair enough" Merry said.
"You said that Pippin said something similar?" Gimli asked.
"Yes, a month ago or so. Perhaps it was longer ago than that. Though he didn't say it quite as… kindly."
"You mustn't pay attention to his anger or sadness" Gimli said. "He has tried to be strong for eleven years, that is a long time for anybody to struggle. Sooner or later he reaches the point where he cannot do it anymore and when he does he will react with force. He cares about you a lot, whether or not he dares to let you know it. He has become a master of hiding how he feels."
"Our opinions regarding Pippin differs somewhat too" Legolas said with a glance at Gimli. "In my opinion he has no reason to treat you this way, he is the one who should stand the closest by you."
"It's not so easy to stand by someone who doesn't want you there" Gimli said angrily to Legolas, forgetting momentarily that Merry was there.
"Is it not when you want your friends the least that the truest friends hold on?" Legolas retorted.
"I ask you not to speak about me like I wasn't even here!" Merry said. "Who are you to judge my other so called friends if this is how you treat me? I have lost my memory, not my hearing or my wits. I am not some ignorant fool whose head you can speak above and I ask you if you are my friends not to do it. And don't defend Pippin's actions to me; he can speak up for himself. I don't want to hear whose side you're on."
"We love you both" Gimli said. "But we have seen him and how the loss of you affected him. After everything that he has been through he deserves better than what he is currently getting. Now I am not saying that you should play some game to please him, but I do expect you to give him a fair chance and to recognise those who loved you the most. Those who never for a moment forgot what you meant to them. You gave something important to a lot of people; do not turn your back on that now no matter how little you remember."
"Gimli we should go" Legolas said and got back on the ground. "Merry does not need this lecture right now."
"Stop telling me what I need or do not need!" Merry angrily said. "Don't tell me what I feel or do not feel anymore, don't tell me what I should or should not do!"
"I won't tell you what to do" Gimli said. "You can do, feel and need whatever you wish. But I will tell you this, don't you ever betray those who were a part of your soul once in your life. You can walk over whoever you want, crush whatever part of your past that you see fit, but you cannot turn your back on everything. Most importantly you can never betray those who care. In the end we are all you've got."
"Gimli we are leaving" Legolas said firmly and gave Merry an apologising look before he strode off with the upset Dwarf.
Merry sighed deeply and leaned his head back. Start their friendships over, indeed. There were too many problems lying in-between, no friendship could exist between them today without the scars of the friendships that had been there before. Merry closed his eyes hard and longed for Éowyn's company.