Minas Tirith, March of 1437
In March Pippin finished the saddle he had been working on. He remembered the decision he had made to return to the Shire once the saddle was completed, and he had been working slowly on it for the past months to make the task take as long as possible. But in the end it had to be finished sometime, and when that day came he wanted desperately to go back home. He had a wife and a son he had not seen in nearly a year and the Shire was a nearly two month trip away. He had affairs that needed to be tended to in Tuckburough and commitments he could no longer stay away from. On top of it all he was homesick, Gondor had lost much of its charms to him after everything that had happened with Merry there and he longed for the familiar sights of the Shire.
He knew he had to take Merry with him when he left. He also knew that Merry was not ready, but he could not care about that anymore. Merry would never be ready and sooner or later he had to face what he had left behind in Buckland all those years ago. Now was as good a time as any and the only thing Pippin needed to do was convince Aragorn that they had to leave.
The king was apprehensive, just as Pippin had suspected he didn't think Merry was ready to make the journey and come back home to the Shire. But Pippin insisted and nearly drove himself to tears talking about how much he needed to go back to his family and all the things that waited for him there. His life was in the Shire and he needed to get back to it. When Aragorn still seemed unsure Pippin suggested that perhaps Merry would stand a better chance at remembering anything if he was back in the place where he had lived almost all his life. That tipped the scale over in Pippin's favour and Aragorn agreed to send them on their way, provided that Legolas and Gimli escorted them.
When Merry found out they were leaving he got furious and blankly refused to go anywhere. Aragorn and Pippin tried to calm him down but had little luck. There mere thought of having to leave this place to go to another one where he would feel even less at home frightened him, and the fact that it was such a long journey meant that he couldn't go back to Minas Tirith anytime he wished.
"You talk to him" Aragorn said to Pippin when Merry refused to listen to either one of them. "He is your handful, not mine."
Pippin was left alone with Merry and turned to him with his arms crossed. Now that Aragorn had left he could be just as mad with Merry was Merry was with them. He looked at his cousin with a very disapproving frown. Merry looked back at him with all of his stubbornness. He was not going to give in, but Pippin was not going to give in either. This was one battle with his cousin which he intended on winning. It was time to leave and Pippin was not going to let anything stop him.
"How can you be so selfish?" he asked.
"Oh I'm being selfish?"
"I have waited for seven months, waited patiently I might add, sat by and watched as you've gotten no closer to finding out who you are and remembering everything. I have a family and an office in the Shire and it cannot wait any longer. I cannot keep sitting here, putting my life on hold, waiting for something neither of us think is going to happen. Life must go on; if it can't for you then it should at least get to go on for me."
"I'm not ready to leave; I don't feel good about it!"
"You never will and we both know it! No more excuses now, I have to return and that's just that!"
"Then leave!"
"I can't leave without you" Pippin said. "For one I could never return to the Shire knowing that you are alive and not bringing you back to those who miss you. For another you have to return sooner or later and I can't keep darting back and forth waiting for you to feel ready or feel sick enough with this place to want to leave. I am leaving and you are coming with me and that is by order of the king so don't try--"
"A king I have never sworn any allegiance to."
"But you are one of his loyal subjects nonetheless; the Shire is part of his kingdom. What's keeping you really, how do you know that you will feel worse there than here? I never thought you to be a coward."
"I am not a coward."
"Then why won't you go?"
"Because the only thing I can recall is here, and I don't intend to leave her when she is the only thing I have to cling on to!"
"So you will spend the rest of your life clinging to her skirts? Merry you have no idea what awaits you in the Shire, it's the place you love the most though you may not know it right now. You may even start to remember things when you get there, for it is your home. You never spent much time in Minas Tirith, it's no wonder you feel unsure here, but if you just came home with me things might change."
Merry opened his mouth to respond but a knock on the door interrupted him.
"What is it?" Pippin angrily mumbled and went to open the door.
"The White Lady is here and requests to see Master Meriadoc" a stiff soldier told Pippin and bowed quickly.
"Tell her she has to wait, he is busy" Pippin said.
"No I'll come see her" Merry quickly said, happy to have an opportunity to get away from this conversation. "I'll see her right away."
Pippin grabbed Merry's arm as he passed by him and lowered his voice to a hiss.
"You are not getting away that easily. You will go to the Shire, so help me!"
Merry yanked his arm loose and didn't give Pippin as much as a look. Which as much dignity as he could muster he strode out the door and followed the soldier down a hallway to where Éowyn was waiting for him.
When he saw her he knew for sure that he could not leave. Not so long as she was in Minas Tirith or Ithilien, he had to be where she was near. His friend, his lady, the one who had always been with him and would never leave his side. He bowed graciously to her and when the soldier closed the door and gave them their privacy he ran up to her and grabbed her hands in his own.
"You don't know how happy I am to see you!" he said.
"That sounds nice" Éowyn said with a laugh. "How have you been?"
"Same as always" Merry said and shrugged his shoulders. "Always the same, never any changes. And you?"
"I have been good" Éowyn said and sat down. Merry took a seat near hers. "Now why are you so happy to see me, today out of all days?"
"I'm always happy to see you. But today you came like a rescuer. Aragorn and Pippin are trying to make me go back to the Shire!"
"Yes…" Éowyn said slowly. "I assumed it would be time soon."
"Time? It's not time. I'm not ready to go. I don't want to travel to a foreign place and I don't want to leave you behind!"
"Perhaps your friends are right" Éowyn said. "You should listen to them. Perhaps staying here is bad for you."
"How could it be bad for me? I have you here. I know you. You are all that I know and I don't want to leave you."
"You are all that you believe you know" Éowyn said. "Perhaps in the Shire there will be someone who you recognise and remember once you see them, just like you recognised me when you saw my face! A whole world of memories awaits you there and all that's keeping you from remembering might be that you are here and not there."
Merry thought about it for a moment. He hadn't thought of it that way before but it did make sense. He did in fact not know what would be waiting for him in the Shire and it was true that sooner or later he would have to go back there. Minas Tirith was no place for a Hobbit in the long run.
"And you must do this for your friend" Éowyn said. "Pippin has longed to go home for months now. He stayed for you, now you must travel for him. You and I will meet again, trust me. For the time beingI can do nothing more for you and it is better that you go find the other Hobbits, those who might help you where I can't. Think of it. You were born and raised there, how much easier will it not be for you to remember that than to remember these halls and rooms where you hardly spent any time at all?"
"Once more you are right" Merry said and sighed. "I guess it's time for me to give up on getting any further here. I will go tell them that I am ready to pack my bags and go with them to the Shire."
Éowyn nodded and smiled. Even though it was hard to let him leave after he had been missing for so long she was happy that he would be journeying back to where he belonged. The Shire would be good for him.
"Don't be worried that the bonds you have with me will be damaged when we are apart" she said. "They never have before, have they? Even when you were thought to be dead. I'll be there you're whole life through, you can count on that."
"I do" Merry said with a smile. "If you'll excuse me I shall go tell the king that I am ready to leave."
XX
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The day before Gimli and Legolas were to arrive from their respective homes Pippin instructed Merry on everything he would need to pack and things he would need to keep in mind during the journey. Merry didn't worry much about the journey however; he was more concerned with the destination. He had no idea what to expect when he arrived in the Shire, or what would be expected of him.
"You have been reluctant to talk to me about my life in the Shire" he said to Pippin. "Now's the time to talk. I understand that you don't want to tell me my memories, but there will be people there that I had bonds to and I need to know who they are. I don't want to begin by making mistakes and I need to know what people will be expecting of me. I don't want to hurt anyone if I can avoid it."
"I can't tell you what they will be expecting" Pippin said. "I have been trying to figure that out myself ever since you came back. We will just have to wait and see."
"What about the people I knew? You said my mother and father were both dead, do I have any siblings?"
"None."
"What else? Did I have any best friends?" he asked. "Other than you…" he added lamely and looked away.
"There is one Hobbit" Pippin said. "His name is Samwise, or Sam for short. He was a part of our fellowship and now he is the Mayor of Hobbiton. But don't worry a thing about him; Sam will never expect more from you than what he thinks you are able to give him. You can lean on him for support and trust that he won't put burdens on your shoulders. He lives in Hobbiton though, and you live in Buckland, so you won't see much of him I suppose."
"Buckland… Do I live in a house or a Hobbit hole?"
"When you disappeared you lived in a house at Crickhollow. But since then the house has been sold and your home is Brandy Hall, where you were born and raised. Over a hundred Hobbits live there, but you and your family have private halls so you won't have to worry about being too crowded."
"What else is there that I should know about? Did I ever love somebody? Some sweetheart I should try to recognise?"
"You were engaged to be married when you disappeared" Pippin said and looked away. "I probably should have told you that but it's one of those things I would have rather had you remember on your own."
"Who was she?"
"Her name is Estella Bolger; her brother is Fatty Bolger, a friend of ours. The two of you courted for two years and then you asked her to marry you. Your wedding was to be arranged when you returned from Ithilien only you never did."
"And what happened to her? Who did she end up marrying?"
"That's not important."
"I know I won't know his name but it feels like something I should know about."
"She didn't marry anyone. Technically I guess she's still waiting for you."
"Which means… which means that I will be expected to marry her when I return to the Shire?"
Pippin saw the shocked look on Merry's face and offered him an apologetic smile.
"That's why I didn't want to tell you until I had to… I was hoping you would remember her on your own. Yes, they will expect you to marry her; she has been true to you for nearly twelve years after all."
"But I don't know her. I can't remember her."
"The wedding will no doubt be held not until next year" Pippin said. "You will have the time to get to know her."
"Can't I get out of it?"
"No Merry, you can't." Pippin sighed and looked at his cousin. "What had you expected of the life that was yours before you were lost? That you never made any commitments and that you never cared for anybody?"
"At least I thought that whatever I committed myself to then would no longer be held against me. Can you blame me for being a bit surprised, I just found out I have to marry a girl I don't even know."
"Well you knew her once. And you loved her. More importantly, she loved you. Please treat that with respect, remember she has done nothing wrong. Try not to break her heart after all these years."
"I promise I'll try" Merry said. Then he shrugged his shoulders. "Anyway, who knows? Twelve years is a long time, she has probably fallen out of love with me by now. Or she won't like this new me and will be happy to call the engagement off. Things might work out just fine in the end."
"In a way that's sad, isn't it?" Pippin asked. "If you were to break from all that mattered to you once, every part of the life you used to have? You would probably be happier married to her than on your own, even now."
Merry didn't reply. He packed the last of his things and began to get ready for bed. Pippin had nothing further to add either and before long they had snuffed out the lights and gone to bed, each with their own separate thoughts keeping them awake.
XX
XX
Two days before they were set to leave Pippin went for a walk through the gardens, getting some exercise to get him into shape for the journey. He was in a splendid mood, finally he was getting to go home and leave all of this behind him. If he never saw the city of Minas Tirith again he would be happy.
As he walked down one of his favourite paths he spotted Éowyn, standing in a small glade watching a bluebird in a tree. Something about the look on her face made Pippin wonder what she was thinking and he walked up to her, clearing his throat to make his presence known. When she spotted him she smiled faintly and he bowed to her.
"Milady Éowyn… What troubles you?"
His blatant question startled her for a moment but then she found the straight-forwardness refreshing. She smiled again, this time more sincerely, and decided that she could talk to him as well as to anybody else.
"My friend is leaving tomorrow, and it feels like we only just got him back. Who knows how long it will be before we meet again?"
"I can see why the parting must be the most difficult for you" Pippin said and stepped close to her. "He remembers you. For you it is truly a parting with the friend from the past, and the last time he parted from you he didn't return. This time will be different, I promise. And you have always been strong in the past; you will be strong now too."
"Indeed" she said. "Strength… such a blessing, isn't it?"
There was something wrong, Pippin could sense it. He gently put a hand on her arm and looked deeply into her eyes.
"Milady… When I came to Ithilien this summer you sought me out and you were there for me, you made me confess things I had not even confessed to myself and that helped me more than you will ever know. Let me return the favour. Something is troubling you and it is not that he is leaving."
"This conversation is not fitting."
"There is no one here to hear us. Open your heart to me. It's something concerning Merry, isn't it? We are the two people who were the closest to his heart and as such we should be able to talk to one another."
"We waited too long to seek comfort in each other, didn't we?" Éowyn said with a sad smile. "Instead of being there for each other when he was presumed dead we waited ten years."
"Better late than never. It was not your fault that we didn't support one another when we thought he had died. I would not have let you had you tried. I was too preoccupied with my own grief to worry about anybody else's. Looking back I realise you must have grieved more than I suspected but I have no memories of you from that time, other than when we rode out to find him. It's odd; I can't remember you at the funeral even."
"I did not attend the funeral. It is not so odd that you don't recall me from that time for I concealed myself inside my chambers and rarely left them. I grieved, and I was afraid to see you because I was afraid of seeing him in you. Or worse, seeing the lack of him in you and knowing that something beautiful had been lost forever."
"You were not the only one who felt that way. Almost everyone seemed afraid to see me during the first years."
"I have been watching you since he came back" Éowyn said. "I know how tormented you are. It makes me feel all the more guilty, not just guilty to him but to you."
"What would you have to be guilty over?" Pippin asked softly.
For the first time Pippin saw tears of sadness in her eyes and when they slowly began to fall down her cheeks he reached into his pocket and fished out a handkerchief. He held it up to her and she took it with a trembling hand and tried to try her tears. But when she spoke her voice was steady.
"I went looking for him, furious with the soldiers who had given up on him. I searched and I found something more than what they had found and my anger grew. How could they have given up, why didn't they continue further down the river until the found him, dead or alive? I was so furious with them. I wanted to have them fired. I thought they had failed him. But I failed him just as bad, worse even, for I knew him well and those soldiers did not. I should have tried harder."
"Milady…" Pippin said gently. "You didn't fail him. I was with you when we rode out and believe me nobody wanted him to be alive more than I did. But I too was mistaken, I saw the signs that he was dead and I believed them. I still cannot understand how he survived; it is a huge mystery to me, even bigger than the question of where he has been all these years. I don't blame you for not finding him. Nor does he. Trust me, neither one of us would ever give you any blame in all of this."
"You are very kind to say that… But I do blame myself nonetheless. I was so close to him, we had a bond since the battle of Pelennor, and I owed it to him to do all in my might to find him. I promised him once that I would look after him and twelve years ago I failed him. Somewhere down that river he was lying wounded, Pippin. We know that for a fact now. If only I had followed the river, all the way to the ocean if I had to, if only I had done that then he would have been safely returned home. I stood by and let his life disappear when I could have helped."
"No" Pippin said. "No, don't believe that. Strider went out after us, he went and he searched and he didn't find him either. By the time we went out to the river Merry was probably already gone. However he survived he did not do it by lying on a riverbank, he found refuge somewhere and no matter how far down the river we went we would never have found him. He would have found a place to hide."
"Do you believe that?"
"It's not a matter of believing, it's a matter of knowing. I know that he was not there for us to find, I have thought about it and he would have been dead if he stayed in that cold river. Don't blame yourself for not looking for you did look and you gave up when everything told you that you must. You did your part for friendship."
Éowyn kneeled down and hugged him tight. Pippin gently stroke the back of her neck and whispered soothing words in her hair. He was glad he had found her, happy to have been able to give something back to her in return for all that she had given him. Even though he was jealous that Merry remembered her it had never occurred to him to be upset with Éowyn over it. It was not her fault and she carried enough burdens as it was. Pippin was thankful he had been able to ease one of them.
"Let this be my goodbye to you" Éowyn said. "I am going back to Ithilien tomorrow morning; I can't bear the thought of seeing him leave. You have been a true friend to us both through all the years and this is how I want to remember you when we are parted."
"Farewell, Milady" Pippin said and gave her a kiss on the hand. "And… thank you for being there for Merry. He's needed it."
Pippin walked off the same way he had arrived, wondering what would happen to them all in the future. The changes that had been made to all of them twelve years ago would never stop affecting them.
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This will be the last chapter in a while, since I'm going on vacation. I hope to see you all again when I return! Thank you for reading, please leave a review.