Brandy Hall, June of 1437
Pippin knelt down on the floor of Berilac's study, or rather Merry's study now, and picked up the books off the floor. He had entered just a minute ago and accidentally knocked over a small table filled with books and a few personal items belonging to Berilac. Judging by the looks of it the former Master was set on clearing out as soon as he could, almost as if it was easier if it happened fast.
Someone entered the room and even though Pippin had his back turned he knew who it was. He had come to speak with Merry; in fact it was Merry who had wanted him to come. He wasn't quite sure what his cousin wanted but he had come anyways. Most likely Merry just wanted someone that he recognised to be around, in an odd turn of events Pippin had become something familiar all of a sudden.
"Merry would you give me a hand and hand me those books?" he said, since some of the fallen books were behind him.
There was a moment of silence.
"Please, you have to stop doing that Pippin!" Sam's voice said with a frightened tremble.
Pippin turned and saw that it was not Merry at all. It was Sam. Sam looked at him with frightened eyes and made no move to pick up the books. Pippin had not called him Merry by accident for years now but Sam was scared he might start again after having visited Gondor. When Merry had first died it was as if Pippin could not quite stop seeing him or believing he was still alive, especially after he came back to the Shire. He had often seemed to see Merry in the corner of his eye when it was in truth somebody else, and almost every time that person had turned out to be Sam. It scared Sam to be called by Merry's name and every time Pippin had done it Sam had felt like he could cry. The first year it had happened a lot, then it had become rarer yet still happening too often for Sam's liking. But ever since Pippin had met Diamond he had stopped seeing Merry in the place of others. Now he seemed to have started again and Sam did not know if he could handle it. Merry had been gone for so long, it was one of Sam's biggest fears that he had not left Pippin yet and that he never would no matter how much time went by.
"He haunted me for quite a long time, didn't he?" Pippin said, finally understanding what Sam was thinking. "I'm surprised to see you here Sam. What's the occasion?"
"Master Berilac sent a rider to Bag End with a message that my presence was requested. What are you doing here? I didn't know that you were home."
Pippin got up from the floor and gave Sam a hug.
"I arrived yesterday. And you wouldn't believe what I brought with me this time… But this is neither the time nor the place. Come, we must speak in private."
"We are in private."
"Someone might walk in here. Come Sam, for me. The things we need to speak about are better dealt with where nobody will interrupt us."
Surprised Sam followed Pippin into a smaller room where Sam had never even been before and was surprised to see Pippin locking the door. Pippin urged him to sit down and then took a deep breath before beginning to tell Sam the whole story. Sam listened with wide eyes and didn't believe him at first. It was too incredible. But before Pippin had gotten to the end of his story it had begun to sink in a bit and in the end Sam didn't know what part surprised him more. Merry having returned alive or Merry's loss of memory or what seemed to be Pippin turning his back on Merry. He sat quiet for a few minutes, trying to find the right words to say, if there were any.
"I wish Gandalf were here" he eventually said and sighed. "He would have known what to do."
"Gandalf? What good could Gandalf do here? He's just another person Merry doesn't even remember."
"The last time you came back to the Shire you were a mess, if you pardon me saying so. I have never seen anyone like that in my whole life, for all your efforts to pretend that not even the death of Merry could affect you very much. You can't fool real friends and you never fooled me. I watched you fall apart and did whatever I could but I admit it was not much. Honestly Pippin after a while I grew angry with you."
"Angry? Why?"
"Your whole world was your grief, even more so because you tried to pretend that it didn't exist. You were just a shadow of your old self, Master Saradoc and his wife were both mortified, Fatty Bolger and Estella Bolger were shocked and saddened, everyone who had known him were. You looked to me and whenever I was present the others would to. And everybody forgot that I was sad too. I liked Merry too, you know!"
"Did we ever deny that?" Pippin said.
"You never seemed to care about it; you were so wrapped up in your own situation. Now I can understand how hard it was for you but I am telling you Pippin I won't have that again. I am tired of being the strong one. I think you even tried to replace Merry with me for a while by weighing all your troubles onto me like you had always done with him. But I can't carry those burdens, not the same as he could. I will always be here if you need me, you know you can count on me, but I will not be appointed Pillar Of Strength at the cost of my own feelings and my own hurt."
"Sam…" Pippin said gently.
"No, listen to me! Now you have come back home and you have him with you. First of all I want to be able to be happy that he is back and not have to act like I never even cared he was gone."
"Now wait a second, nobody thought you didn't care" Pippin objected.
"Second," Sam continued, "I don't want to be pushed aside when it comes to his memory loss. I too was once someone he cared for and now he can't remember me and that saddens me just the same as it saddens everyone else. This time I intend on being able to show it. Third, he came back with you but he's not with you. That much is clear to me, something has happened. I am not going to be put in the middle, leave me out of your troubles with one another!"
"Fine" Pippin said, a bit annoyed with Sam. "Listen, I am sorry if you felt that way before and I apologise very sincerely, I do! Truth is I don't remember much of what went on that first year, but I never meant to hurt you by leaning on you. Sam you knew him and I better than anyone else in the Shire, I knew of no one else to turn to. But I wasn't always the one seeking you out; you came to the Smials to see me quite often."
"I needed to see you sometimes and to know that you were still…"
Sam didn't finish his sentence. Pippin nodded slowly and finished it for him.
"That I was still alive. Right? That I was still there? That you could take away Merry and Pippin would still be there?"
"In a matter of speaking. But you were never the same since it happened."
"I don't know that I'll be the same ever again."
"But let's set us and our needs aside for a moment and focus on Merry. For starters, where is he, I want to see him!"
"He's probably waiting for me in the study, furious that I haven't shown" Pippin sighed. "I will take you to him once we feel like we have finished talking."
"If he doesn't remember anything he must be very confused" Sam said. "We have to do whatever we can to make things easier for him. Should we tell him all our old stories and see if they ring any bells?"
"No" Pippin said shaking his head.
"How about taking him places where he used to be?" Sam asked. "Walking familiar paths, for example? Or bringing him things that used to belong to him? Something has to trigger a reaction, his memorise can't be gone forever. They're just locked somewhere in that head of his and we need to find the right key."
"Sam I must warn you…" Pippin said. "It's quite hurtful to look him in the eye and see that he has no clue who you are. Prepare yourself for that, for it might come as quite a shock. Seeing you is not something that will trigger a memory so don't expect it. And also don't let him think that you're eager for him to remember for he gets really edgy when he feels someone is putting pressure on him."
"Well he always had a tendency to grow a little edgy at times" Sam said. "Good to see that some things haven't changed."
Pippin nodded and tried to smile but didn't quite feel up to it. He was glad to have Sam there, for no matter what Sam said Pippin knew he would lean on him and Sam would be there for him. Together the two of them could surely handle Merry, and Sam's level-headedness might come very much in handy. Right now Sam seemed to want to vent a lot of thoughts and ideas and Pippin let him talk. Talking about problems always had a way of making them seem easier.
XX
XX
It only took a few days for Merry to understand that his memory loss was the least of his problems at the time. As soon as he showed his face somewhere he was greeted as Master Meriadoc and the Brandybucks all bowed to him as soon as they saw him. In their eyes he was the true Master now that he was alive, and while Berilac Brandybuck had been as fine a Master as anyone could have asked he was still only second in line. Master Merry was back, and would no doubt lead them to new heights and glorious times. They had all been told of his current condition but none of them seemed to take it very seriously. They shrugged their shoulders, claimed memories would return, and had not a thought to the fact that the memories he had lost might include things that were crucial for him in running Buckland and Brandy Hall.
On his second day back Merry had been introduced to Samwise who was Mayor of Hobbiton. No mentionings had been made as to whether or not Merry and Sam had known each other in the past and for all Merry knew they hadn't. But he would have to do a lot of business with Sam in the future from what he could tell, for when it came to trade there were constant discussions over who should be able to trade what in which part of the Shire. Merry had no idea what was expected of him in that department, but Sam seemed reasonable enough and seemed to want to make things as easy on Merry as possible.
As Merry understood it he would also be doing business with Pippin, much in the same areas as with Sam. Merry had a hard time believing that clumsy, short-sighted Pippin could be the head of the Took family and all of Tuckburough but strangely enough he seemed to have earned a great deal of respect and people listened when he talked.
Most of Merry's responsibilities however would be centred around Buckland and the people living there. Hobbits came to him for advice, to borrow money and to try to find work. It was Merry's job to help them out, as well as to keep management of Brandy Hall running and to some degree keep the peace and order in Buckland. Merry knew from his first day that he was not fit for it, at least not at this point.
His cousin Berilac had not said a word about having to step down from office but Merry had a strong feeling he was disappointed. Merry wasn't quite so sure he didn't agree with him. Being Master of Buckland felt like it was Berilac's job and he had done it so well over the past years. Much better than Merry ever stood a chance at running things. He tried one time to talk to Berilac about it but his cousin was not willing to discuss it, probably worried that his true feelings would shine through if he got to talking on the subject.
Merry wanted to tell him that he felt he was right. It was nothing short of a wonder to him that Berilac didn't resent him for sweeping in out of nowhere and taking away so much from him, when he was not even fit to run office and they both knew it. But Berilac had been firmly raised in the belief of the firstborn's right and no matter how wrong he felt it was that his now incompetent younger cousin would be in charge he would never have dreamed of making any noise about it.
Merry wished he could step down from his job as Master, and he even mentioned it to Pippin at one point when his cousin came over to discuss a trade offering. It was Pippin's first visit since the day he had been there with Mayor Sam and Merry didn't know what it was that possessed him to speak his mind to him. As he had expected Pippin frowned and refused to take him seriously.
"I have never heard such nonsense" he said and returned to his trade offering. "Now, the way I see it, Tuckburough produces much more wheat than Buckland but in return Buckland produces a lot more corn. Now if we could--"
"I don't know why you are talking to me about this, I don't understand it" Merry said. "Frankly I'm not so sure I understand this role that's been thrust upon me since my return. Berilac is more suited and we both know it, why can't I just decline my right to the title and let it pass to him?"
"Because this is what you always wanted" Pippin said. "All your life you prided yourself in being the heir to the Master and you had lots of ideas of things you wanted to change and what you wanted to accomplish."
"None of that matters now, does it?"
"Not right now, no. But what of the day when you remember everything again? I would hate for you to wake up one day with your memories back, knowing that you just gave up earlier and gave your future away to Berilac. He is competent, I am the first to admit that, but you owe it to yourself to hang on to this. Frankly I won't let you give it up."
Merry didn't bring the subject up again. But a lot of his energy went to trying to keep up appearances in front of the other Hobbits, he didn't want to know what would happen if they thought him to be incompetent. After a while he decided that the best course of action would be to talk to Berilac and so he did.
He had learned from previous conversations that Berilac would stand by what he had been taught as a child even if it didn't coincide with his own wishes. Thus trying to tell him what he had told Pippin would doubtlessly have no effect at all. Berilac seemed very uncomfortable having to discuss these matters but Merry insisted, having other things in mind at this time than giving the title up.
"Things are hard for me" he said to his cousin. "And I'm not too proud to ask for help when I need it. I'm hoping you will agree to be my advisor, at least for a year, until I have truly learned the ropes. I think we can both agree that we want what is best for Buckland and together I think we can accomplish that. I know I can't do it on my own, not yet anyway. Will you help me?"
"You shouldn't turn to me" Berilac said, twisting in his chair. "Thain Peregrin is the one you should be speaking with. If the Master needs help he turns to the Thain and vice versa. I am just your cousin and I have no claims to any advisory position."
"Berilac we both know that you are more than just a cousin" Merry said. "You held this position for years; you know how it is to be run. What does the Thain know about Buckland? I'm telling you Berilac I am mighty fond of this land. I don't need to remember it; I love it just the same, from the first few days I spent here. Thain Peregrin might be good and competent but he doesn't know the lands as you do, and he doesn't know Brandy Hall or the Bucklanders. Forget about what ought to be fitting or not, can you really leave Buckland in my rather poor hands when you have the chance to help keep an eye on things?"
"I would love to assist you…" Berilac said longingly, unable to let go of all the plans he had had for Buckland.
"Then please do."
"Alright then" Berilac said after a moment's hesitation. "I will assist you. In the shadows, you needn't go public with needing someone to back you up. I love all the Bucklanders, but frankly they can be awfully simple-minded sometimes. They want to believe that they are led by the most competent Hobbit in the Shire, and with your history they expect nothing short of miracles. I don't want to take them out of the idea that you can run this office all on your own."
Merry smiled with warmth.
"I must have done some pretty amazing things."
"I'm sorry" Berilac said and found himself blushing. "I shouldn't have made such mentionings. It was thoughtless of me."
"It's quite alright" Merry assured him. "I can handle it. We can't go tiptoeing around the past all the time, sooner or later it has to be dealt with."
"While we are on that subject, can I perhaps ask you a sensitive question?"
"I suppose."
"Have you seen Miss Bolger recently?"
"Who?"
"Estella" Berilac said, slightly surprised that the name hadn't been familiar. "You remember her, don't you?"
"Yes, right, she was here the evening of my arrival" Merry said. "No I haven't seen her since then."
"What of your marriage to her?"
"What of it?"
"I assume it's still on. Perhaps you ought to meet with her and her mother, her father is dead by now, and discuss the plans more carefully. Since your own mother is dead and mine is too, my wife would be happy to step in and assist from our part. I assume the wedding will be held in spring?"
"Wedding…" Merry said. "I'm not so sure about the wedding."
"In what aspect? I'm sorry; perhaps it's none of my business. But as Master you really ought to think about marriage and a family."
"Not now" Merry said, shaking his head. "It's too soon. With everything else that is going on around me I cannot deal with marriage arrangements right now."
Berilac, who still believed Merry remembered Estella and thought he only meant that he was too stressed to be thinking about joyous occasions, nodded compassionately and searched through his mind for any other cases where an engagement might have been prolonged. Of course, this one had already been prolonged for more than a decade; it sure was about time that Merry and Estella got married.
"Perhaps we can put the wedding off for a bit" he said thoughtfully. "Normally a year is the longest period between engagement and wedding, but I think people will be able to understand that these circumstances are not normal."
"Does it matter what people think?"
"In the Shire it always matters what people think."
Merry shrugged his shoulders, glad to be off the hook for now. He realised that Estella must be expecting a wedding soon and that he needed to speak with her first, but it felt good to have Berilac on his side. He was beginning to like his cousin more and more. He wondered how close they had been in the past. So far Berilac had been his greatest support since he arrived in the Shire and Merry wasn't quite sure what he would do without him.
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Sorry it took me so long to update. I came down with the flu, nothing serious, but it kept me from the computer for a few days... The next chapter will be along shortly!