Tuckburough, January of 1438

Pippin shivered and rubbed his hands together over the fire to warm them up. He had been out riding when a January snow storm had caught him by surprise and it had taken him a good half an hour to find his way back to the Smials. The snow wasn't falling as heavily and the winds blew with less fury when he reached his home but by that time it didn't matter much since he was already freezing. He had left the pony in someone else's care and hurried inside to warm up.

On the way he had run into Sam, who had been doing business in Tuckburough and realised it was no use trying to head for Hobbiton in this weather and hoped to spend the night at the Smials. Sam had only spent a few minutes out in the cold and was far less frozen than Pippin, but he too was more than happy to sit down close to the fire and wait for some hot tea and biscuits.

"I'm glad you are here" Pippin said. "We haven't seen much of one another lately. Other than in business I mean. I hope the snowstorm increases so you will have no choice but to spend the night."

"Is that an invitation?" Sam grinned.

"A humble request from an old friend."

Sam sat back in his chair and pulled the blanket he had been given around him. It had indeed been far too long since he had come to the Smials as a visitor. Most winters he and Pippin would spend many days together by the fireplace, roasting tomatoes and drinking blueberry tea. Together they would read old books or tell each other stories, or Sam would recite poetry. It was a cosy arrangement, usually a few or all family members would come sit down as the evening progressed and listen to the stories with eyes wide open with wonderment. This winter there had been few such visits.

"I will stay regardless of the weather, on one condition" Sam said firmly.

Pippin looked up from his frozen hands.

"What is that?"

"That you come visit us at Bag End before the month is over, and sit with me by my fireplace."

Pippin grinned. That he could do. He happily agreed to Sam's terms and lifted up a foot to give it a good rubbing.

"You know…" he said. "I got to thinking just the other day… about the siege of Minas Tirith, or more precisely the days after it had lifted. How young and foolish we were then!"

"We still are young" Sam insisted.

"Life was changing for us forever, it would never go back to the way it had been" Pippin continued. "From being mere Halflings we were knights and esquires, our names praised and skalds were already promising us that our names would be sung for ages to come. It was the first Great Change of our lives, and at that time I never expected that there would be so many. I am up to three at the time being, and I pray that there will never be a fourth, for the second and the third were both more troublesome than rewarding."

"We can't choose the paths of our lives and I think we should be grateful for that" Sam said.

"I remember so vividly the day after the siege lifted… Merry was up and about, though weak, but we went for a walk through the gardens at the Houses of Healing, the gardens he cannot stand today for whatever reason. Legolas and Gimli came to visit us and together we walked through the gardens until Merry got tired, then we sat on the walls and spoke for hours. We were so happy to be together again, just to be near one another, all four of us. We all felt that strong bond at that time and I remember that even though things were still dark ahead I was happy then, for I had the truest of friends with me. We never thought that anything could change between us, after all we had lived through how could anything possibly cause disruptions between us?"

Sam didn't say anything but it was clear that he was thinking hard about something. Pippin waited for a moment to see if his friend would comment, but when he didn't say anything Pippin went on.

"I think I lost Legolas when Merry disappeared. He was never able to forgive me for being just me and the sight of me alone disrupted the memories which he wished to linger in where Merry and I were concerned. Gimli is more faithful than ever, but he and Legolas seem to be having differences of opinion all the time these days, I'm not quite used to hearing them debate like that. Aragorn, well he tries, but for some reason it doesn't work. Those things we all took for granted are slowly changing and slipping away from us."

Sam sat quiet for a long while and wondered how much of what he was thinking he could say to Pippin. Probably not very much, he deemed. Pippin was sensitive when these matters were concerned nowadays.

Before he could make up his mind about what to say and not to say Diamond came in with tea, biscuits and freshly baked bread to warm them up. Sam wondered if she was planning on staying but she seemed to sense that they were talking about difficult matters and left as soon as they were set. Once she had gone Sam had decided to say little, but enough.

"Everything that happened when he got lost, all the changes, those were temporary" he said. "You left Minas Tirith so soon after all, all of you were still grieving and handling it in your different ways. So many years then passed before you were reunited that it's no wonder that things were strange, you needed some time to find your way back to one another and start over. However that process was interrupted by one much more strange happening than anything before. Merry came back. Suddenly you all had to find your bonds again at the same time as you were faced with the double shock of finding your dead friend alive after all those years and finding out that he knew nothing about you anymore. Instead of growing closer, as you were about to do when he came back, you began to drift apart again."

"But that should only be temporary too, right?" Pippin hoped.

"That I'm not so sure of. One blow can be handled, but two? I'm worried that being forced to retry your friendships before they have even healed might have its consequences. It should have brought you all closer together but it didn't."

"Honestly I didn't care much about my relationship to Legolas, Aragorn or Gimli at the time" Pippin admitted. "What mattered to me was Merry, that was the only friendship I focused on and it was… Well, you know how it's been."

"I know what it looks like."

"And what is that?"

"It looks as though you're letting go" Sam said.

Pippin snorted.

"Why should I be the villain in this story?" he asked.

"You must know how queer it is for all of us to see you two staying away from each other purposely."

"How is that any of your business?"

"Don't be mad at me! I mean no harm! All I'm saying is that we saw you before, as close as any Hobbits have ever been, and we saw you nearly being lost when he died. Then by some miracle he returns and what do you do? Desist. I have heard your reasons why and I know how you feel you can't trust the friendship that you had but what I don't see is how it even matters."

"What?"

"He is alive, what difference does it make if he was not as perfect in some aspects as you thought he was? If you could come face to face with Pippin of ten years ago and tell him that he could have Merry back, but that this would be the catch, he would gladly give everything he had for Merry to return. What is different now?"

"Don't, I don't want to talk about it again."

"He was the greatest friend of all to you once" Sam insisted.

"I moved on" Pippin said. "How can you all ask of me that I should just forget the past ten years and go back to where I was on May of 1425?"

"That's not what we're asking. We're asking you not to forget the time up till May of 1425. That's what we want and expect from you."

"I don't care what anybody expects. Ever since my father became Thain my whole life has been about what others have expected of me."

"But you do realise that you cannot run away from your problems? It's not just Merry, it's Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn too! Do you want to lose them all?"

"Of course not" Pippin said with feeling.

"I don't think that anything can change regarding you and them until things are the way they should between you and Merry again."

"I used to think that, and I keep being told so over and over again. But things are not going to change Sam so you all just have to accept it."

"There are too many memories here still" Sam said. "For every memory he has lost we all carry the double. He is completely oblivious to what he has done in his life but one thing he knows is that he was not merely a cousin to you. He knows that the two of you shared a bond, he can feel it now even though I'm starting to doubt that you can."

"He doesn't feel a thing" Pippin objected.

"Yes he does. There is chemistry between the two of you and he can feel it just as well as we others can see it."

"Haven't you heard the way we speak to one another now?" Pippin asked and moved a log around in the fire. "There is always an argument lying beneath the surface, I am mad at him and he is mad at me and I sure don't feel pleased in his company."

Sam sighed and shook his head. He would not get any further with Pippin right now, not unless he spoke all things on his mind but it was not time for that yet.

"There comes a time when we have to dare to see the truth" he said to Pippin instead. "The truth of how things are now, not how they should have been if he hadn't been lost. The truth of what is happening to us all. To the Fellowship."

Pippin didn't reply. He stared into the fire and wondered why it was that no matter how often the subject of Merry was discussed there always seemed to be something new to say, or some new way to say old things in. After a while of silence Pippin brought up a topic they had been afraid to mention before.

"Sam… Merry does not remember Frodo. Is that not horrible? Just the thought of it breaks my heart… You know how close they were. I am terrified of speaking of Frodo in front of Merry for I am sure that if I can handle everything else I cannot handle him not knowing who Frodo is. I have been tempted to try and contact Frodo in the Undying Lands, ask him to come back to Middle-Earth and help heal his friend, but I know it cannot be done. It just saddens me… Frodo doesn't deserve to be forgotten, especially not by Merry."

"None of us deserve to be forgotten" Sam said. "And Merry does not deserve to forget about us."

They fell silent again. After a long while Sam gave Pippin a pat on the shoulder and rose to go to bed.

"Try and make things better with Merry" he said to Pippin. "For all our sakes… Time should heal your wounds; they have in the past, just set it aside for now and savour what is left. For all of us. Every conflict needs a hero, someone who is willing to cast aside their wants to make things better again. If Merry cannot be the hero then you ought to be. I don't want to see the Fellowship fall apart any further over this. Goodnight Pippin, I'll see you in the morning."

Pippin didn't seem to have heard him. He stared into the fire and seemed oblivious to anything around him. He didn't notice the ticking of the clock or the fact that the fire was starting to burn out. He felt numb and dead inside and for a moment wished he had been the one who had ridden out that day and been attacked by the orcs. And he wished he would not have made it back.

XX
XX

Diamond found him in the sitting room more than an hour after he usually went to bed. She was dressed for bed and had her robe wrapped around her, and she was curious as to what was taking her husband so long. He always went to bed at the same time each night, with no everyday exceptions. Only when he went to parties did he stay up later than usual.

"Peregrin, what are you doing sitting here in the dark like this?" she had to ask softly when she found him.

Pippin didn't look up at her. It was as if he hadn't even heard her. He seemed completely oblivious to how cold it had gotten in the room and to the fire that had as good as burned out by now. Diamond walked up and wrapped a blanket around him. She sat down on the armrest and put an arm around his shoulders.

"Come to bed darling" she said softly. "What is keeping you?"

"I feel so trapped" he said, staring into the fireplace. "There is nowhere for me to turn. All around me people are telling me to make things better with Merry. I cannot escape! I am starting to feel panicked!"

"Easy now…" Diamond said and held him close. She gently caressed his face like she would with Faramir when he was upset. "Just shush… Nothing more can be demanded of you tonight. Come back to bed with me and escape into sleep."

"I still have to wake up to another morning" Pippin pointed out.

"But that is a whole night away. There is nothing more to do today than to go to rest. Forget about your troubles, if only for a few hours."

"Diamond I don't think I can handle another person asking me to come through for the friendship Merry and I had. How come I cannot make anyone understand that I don't want it to be saved?"

"Probably because they watched you miss it for ten years" she said. "They don't know everything that has gone on between Merry and you. All they see is that you were the best of friends, you grieved the loss of him, and now you won't work things out."

"I don't want to live this type of life" Pippin said. "I don't want to hurt anymore. And you know what else? I don't want to have to blame myself anymore."

"What do you blame yourself for?"

"Everything that others blame me for…" Pippin said and sighed. "Sam just put an even bigger burden on my shoulders. He said that if I don't step up and make things work with Merry then the whole Fellowship will suffer for it. That is so unfair of him, I cannot carry that load Diamond, I just can't!"

"I know…"

"Haven't I suffered enough by now? Why do I have to feel bad about this as well? All that I thought I would have in life has been taken from me one way or another, what more can people ask of me at this point? I never even got a chance at an ordinary life, all I wanted as a child was to be a farmer like my father and have a family and friends. But instead I was made a Thain's heir. Then all I wanted was peace and quiet but the War changed all that. I left the Shire out of my own free will but that journey took away my chances of having a normal life. But still I had the hopes for family and friends. Then Merry was taken from me and my family treated me oddly, and until I found you I felt like I had nothing. Now I'm losing all the friends I have and I feel like I'm a horrible husband to you and an awful father to Faramir for I am so troubled with my own demons that I don't have the time for you that I ought to have."

"Faramir and I understand" Diamond said. "Love, the best thing you can do for us is to heal yourself. All we want from you is your own happiness."

"I would have no happiness at all if it wasn't for the two of you" Pippin said. "You are the only gifts I have been given that have never been taken from me and I worry every day that I will lose you."

"People come and go in life; nobody knows how many years we will be given in this world. But you can rest assured that nothing can take your son and me away from you while we are still alive."

"Deep down I know you are right… I just don't dare to trust it. Had he said the exact same words to me twelve years ago I would have believed him."

"What happened to Merry is so unheard of that I doubt it will ever happen to anyone you know again" Diamond said. "I know your life is not what you had expected it to be but does that have to mean it's bad?"

"Looking back I feel like my life has been so lonely and so long… Try as I may there is one thing I can't deny and that is that when he left he took with him a part of me that nothing has been able to replace. Not even Merry could bring it back to me. He is here now again but it is not the same. How many times shall I have to grieve the loss of him? It hurts so badly every time I think of what I had and how I lost it all… In so many ways it was easier to just think he was dead. At least when I thought he was dead I knew what I was feeling."

Diamond gently stroke his face and his head and shushed him. She could feel how tense he was and she worried more than ever that he would snap. When they had first met she had been unaware of the grief he was carrying, she had never known Merry, and because she hadn't she had been able to help Pippin in a way no one else could. Now that same fact which had allowed her to help him in the past had become what made it impossible for her to help him now. She had no way of relating to the bonds they had between them and did not know how to even begin helping Pippin to find a way out of his problems.

For each passing day Diamond grew more and more worried about her husband. He carried a huge burden on his shoulders, a burden which had been placed there by his friends but also by himself. She could not understand how his friends could avoid seeing the toll it was taking. He had little energy, he frowned so often that he was getting wrinkles on his forehead and even his appetite was not what it always had been.

"Darling I think you need some time away from all of this…" she said and began to rub his shoulders. "You are so tense! What do you say to you, me and Faramir going to stay with my parents for a week or two? Hardly anyone there knows about you and Merry and you can take the time to play with Faramir and sit and sing with me in the evenings like you used to do when we were younger."

The trace of a smile appeared on Pippin's lips.

"As always Diamond you know just the thing to say or do… You're right. I really need to get away for a while, away from everyone who thinks I must snap my fingers and make things the way they were. I haven't the strength to handle it any longer. Their voices demand so much from me… Someone's always filling my ears with talk of how I need to handle Merry and this situation."

With a grown he leaned forward and hid his face in his hands. Diamond slid down in the chair behind him and wrapped her arms around him gently. She let her hands slidedown his arms and when they reached his hands he clasped them tightly. His eyes were closed tightly and when he placed a gentle kiss on her right hand she could feel his trembling breath.

"I haven't the strength to hear them any longer…"