The Shire, April of 1438

In spite of his relationship to Pippin being frostier than ever since their rumble last August Merry could never shake the feeling of comfort around his cousin. They both actively worked on tearing down whatever walls were still protecting their bonds from their own desires to go their separate ways but it was not easy. Their bonds had been built through growing up together and forever strengthened through all the adventures they had seen together. Only Pippin remembered it, but the effect was still the same.

Sometimes Pippin wondered to himself if he had been wrong all these months. He couldn't deny that Merry felt the bond as well as he did, at least that much had survived. If he really wanted to Pippin knew he could see it as proof that Merry did remember him, but most of the time he realised that it was far too faint. And even if Merry could feel the bond now it had taken months to get that far, at first Merry had not even believed that Pippin was telling the truth when he spoke of their friendship. It might perhaps be a memory returning but it was still a memory that had been forgotten.

The reactions from the other Hobbits had not been nearly as strong as Pippin had expected. They did think it all was queer but nobody made a fuss about it save for a handful of those who knew Pippin the best. Pippin had earned enough respect among the Hobbits to keep them from sticking their noses in his business, and everyone seemed to respect Merry's situation and they left him alone. But above all it was the trip to Long Cleeve in the winter which had made people keep their opinions to themselves. People had begun to notice that it was all weighing heavily on Pippin's shoulders and they cared too much for their Thain to want to burden him further. Anyone who broke the unspoken rule of not bothering Pippin with it received a look from Mistress Diamond which could make anyone frightened.

After their talk in January even Sam avoided the subject when he spoke with Pippin. He had not dropped his thoughts on it and was thinking about writing to Aragorn and ask for his advice, but he did not want to bring anything up with Pippin until he had to. Bringing it up with Merry would be meaningless.

Pippin went over to Brandy Hall ever so often, and Merry came over to the Smials to do business, and every six weeks the two rode together to Hobbiton to sit down with Sam and discuss trade, maintenance and finances. Merry liked the visits to Hobbiton, Sam would always insist that they spend the night at Bag End and not at an inn, and the evenings at Bag End were lovely. Sam had a whole family out of which only two children had met Merry before he had gone to Ithilien all those years ago. Since there were no memories to recall with the others, and since the two who had met him had been too young to remember him, Merry felt right at home among them and quickly made bonds with the little children. An eleventh was on the way that spring and Merry couldn't help but feel a sting of jealousy when he saw Sam with his family, or Pippin with Faramir.

More and more his thoughts began to drift towards family. He was expected to have one and let his bloodline continue but more than that he began to feel like he wanted one. But for that he would have to be married, and he was not ready for that yet. He saw Estella every once in a while and she was always so sweet and gentle but Merry could not imagine actually marrying her. The strange thing was that he was beginning to find traces of old memories, but not in the way he had expected. It was more a feeling that something was not quite adding up.

He had once asked Estella Bolger to marry him, even if it hadn't been for all the people who insisted that he had loved her he would have known that was true. He could not imagine having asked her to marry him if he wasn't in love. Yet there was something about it all which didn't feel right. There was some big part of the puzzle missing and he had no clue where to even begin looking for it.

As discreetly as he could he began asking Berilac questions but it was little use. His cousin refused to tell him anything aside from old traditions and arrangements of different kinds. The only other thing Merry managed to get out of him was that he and Estella had been betrothed for six months when he travelled to Gondor, and that he was expected back by July for an August wedding. That was not much information to go on.

When Berilac was exhausted as a source he went to Pippin, which was even more difficult. Pippin blankly refused to help him the least bit until Merry told him exactly what was going on. Merry didn't want to at first but in the end his desire to find out more overcame his desires to keep it all to himself.

"It just doesn't make sense" he said.

"What doesn't make sense?" Pippin asked.

"Well I… I've been thinking about Estella a lot. And how I promised to marry her and that I loved her once. Yet when I think about it there is something telling me that I am missing a piece of the puzzle."

"What do you want me to tell you then?" Pippin asked. "I'll give you the brief details if that's what you want. After a year and a half we might as well start to feed you memories, so go ahead and ask."

"I guess I just want to know what we were like together. What made me fall for her? And how did we end up courting?"

"She is Fatty's sister as you know" Pippin said. "You've known her from childhood. One day I guess you just saw her in a different light. After you came back from your first big journey I think you saw her for the first time as an adult. After a couple of years the two of you began to court. What you were like together? Well you were more smiles than laughs, you always seemed to have a good time but you were both more prone to the serious disposition. You seemed to fit each other well."

Merry nodded slowly and wondered if that information would help him in any way. Pippin looked curious as to what Merry was trying to figure out but he didn't say anything. After asking a few more questions Merry thanked him and returned to Brandy Hall.

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XX

Merry could not let go of the feelings he had concerning his engagement. He often found himself thinking about it, trying as hard as he could to remember anything but it seemed hopeless. It wasn't until he had least expected it that it seemed to be coming back to him, and even then it was no more than a feeling or a general idea. He couldn't know if it was real or not and exactly what it meant. All he knew was that he woke up one day, on the anniversary of Aragorn's coronation, and knew more than he had known going to sleep the night before.

He needed to talk to someone to sort through his thoughts and get some hint of what it all could mean. Merry decided that Pippin was the one he wanted to voice his thoughts to. After all Pippin had shown a glimpse of the friend he had been when Merry had gone to him with this earlier. And if Pippin didn't know the answer then Merry didn't know who possibly might.

He came to see him early one Wednesday in May and asked him to come out for a walk. Pippin looked sceptical at first but when Merry told him it concerned his memories he agreed to go with him.

They walked down a secluded road and Pippin waited for Merry to do the talking. Merry wanted to wait until he was really sure that nobody could overhear them and then he spoke up.

"I woke up a few mornings ago remembering something more than when I went to bed" he said.

"What was it?"

"I'm not quite sure…"

"Tell me what you think then."

"I think I loved someone."

"You did" Pippin said. "Estella. Remember her? She's in your life."

"No… Someone who never knew."

"Who?"

"I don't know yet. But when I find her again I will."

Pippin mulled it over for a while.

"Well that would certainly explain why you don't feel completely good about your engagement" he said. "But it does not however explain why you proposed to Estella in the first place."

Merry felt dejected.

"You don't know anything about this? I never told you about it?"

"Obviously not" Pippin said icily.

"Is there any chance that I am wrong about all this?"

"How should I know?" Pippin asked. "Merry if it is true then you never said a word to me, so I can't confirm it. That doesn't have to mean that it's not true though. For all I knew you were happy with Estella, perhaps there were a few wedding nerves but who doesn't get them? Though if you want my opinion… I don't think there was another lass. I think you are afraid now because you have a commitment you don't know that you can see through to the end and you're looking for a way out from it. So your mind fabricated a memory of loving another, which would let you off the hook now because if there was another then you wouldn't betray yourself by calling off the engagement."

Merry listened without saying a word. It did sound like good sense, all of it. And nobody should know him better than Pippin, if Pippin had not heard anything about him loving someone other than Estella then he most likely didn't.

"You have no clue who this other lass was, am I right?"

"That's right. I can't remember."

"Chances are you would have run into her by now" Pippin said. "True there might be someone in one of the other farthings whom you met and fell for, but wouldn't it make more sense if she was from Buckland?"

"You're right" Merry said.

"I think I am" Pippin nodded. "But honestly Merry, if you feel that you might be on to something then explore the possibility further. Maybe it is true, and if so then you have remembered something. Try to remember more."

Merry got an urge to stick his hand under Pippin's arm and walk with him like real friends. Why was it so hard to resist this feeling whenever Pippin lowered his guard and showed him compassion and kindness? At other times Merry could truly despise Pippin. He wished that there would be some sign that Pippin wanted to stick his arm under Merry's too, in spite of the things Pippin had sometimes said his actions never showed any signs of him wanting to be close friends again. It was all in his hands; Merry knew that if Pippin wanted his friendship back he would have it. That was how far it had come, from disliking Pippin and being afraid of him to feeling a need to be around him even when they argued and even though Merry thought he was incredibly annoying half the time.

But for now things remained the same. For this brief moment Pippin would show him support and kindness and then he would go back to wanting nothing to do with Merry. They would exchange grumpy glares and bicker and be at each other's throats again. How one Hobbit could make Merry feel so content at one time and so unhappy at others was a real mystery.

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It's summertime... which means updates might be more irregular than before. Sorry. I'll try to update at least once a week! Thank you for reading.