Ithilien, January of 1439
"I really wish you would tell me what was wrong" Éowyn said and handed Merry a pair of mittens as they left the castile to take a walk. "Don't you know I can see that something is bothering you?"
"Oh nothing is wrong but the usual" Merry said and attempted a laugh but he could tell how phoney it sounded.
"Alright then" Éowyn said. "I will make a deal with you. Trade information for information. You request something from me and I shall require something from you in return."
"What would I possibly have to request from you?"
"I know all of your deepest secrets" Éowyn said. "Trust me, I do. All the secrets of your past and all your memories."
"No, I don't think that you do" Merry said, more to himself than to her.
"Go ahead, ask me."
"Alright… Let me think…" Oddly enough he couldn't think of anything to ask now that he was given the opportunity to be told anything. "How did I come to be in your service?"
"During the great War of the Ring you swore allegiance to my uncle, Théoden King of Rohan. You served me as an esquire and a friend in battle. After the war was over there was a bond between us and you served me and my brother, who was now king, equally."
Merry nodded slightly. It sounded vaguely familiar.
"Now then, my turn to request something" Éowyn said. "Come into the gardens with me Master Meriadoc."
"I'd rather talk out here" Merry said and stopped by the garden gates.
"I told you what you wanted to know; now this is my request in return. Walk in the gardens with me."
Merry shook his head and was determined to tell her no. He could not go in there; something inside him told him that he shouldn't. But the look on Éowyn's face clearly told him that she would not take no for an answer and against all his better judgment he took a hold of her hand and walked into the gardens.
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Pippin saw the two of them go into the gardens and somehow he knew that by the time they got back out Merry would have told Éowyn his great secret. Pippin wished he knew a way to stop it but it was too late to change Merry's mind now. He felt sick to his stomach, he had a strong feeling that this conversation could never end well. Someone would end up with their heart broken, most likely Merry but Pippin hoped it would be him rather than Faramir. Éowyn would be placed in a very awkward situation and she would end up losing either her favourite esquire and old friend or her husband. It was not fair to put her in that situation. She had lost him once before and didn't deserve to lose him again, and she also didn't deserve to lose her marriage. Pippin couldn't help but think that if Merry truly did love her he would keep it a secret from her for as long as he lived. He would only harm her by telling her the truth.
"Master Peregrin!"
Pippin turned with tired eyes and nodded at the soldier who approached him. Nobody called him Master Perian anymore without knowing whether they were talking to Peregrin or Meriadoc, but he had grown mighty tired of having his name called time and time again. He wondered what this soldier might want.
"Lord Faramir wishes a word with you."
Pippin cast an uncertain glance towards the gardens where Merry and Éowyn had disappeared and swallowed hard before following the soldier to see Faramir. The last person he wanted to see right now was Faramir, he didn't know how to look him in the eye knowing that his acclaimed best friend was at that very moment professing love for Faramir's wife. But he had no choice, he had to go and see his lord, he couldn't think of a legitimate excuse not to. How had he ever ended up in this mess?
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"Your closest friend aside from Pippin, prior to meeting me, was Frodo Baggins" Éowyn explained. "He is more than ten years older than you but he grew up in your parents' home and the two of you were good friends and would still have been to this day if you still knew who he was."
Merry only paid half attention to the answer. He had realised a long time ago that the questions he wanted answers to were not about the facts of his life but of experiences and emotions, things nobody could tell him. He was growing tired of this game now and Éowyn seemed to be too. He couldn't think of another question to ask her and decided that the game would have to end once she had asked her next question. He was not prepared for what she requested from him.
"What is it that you've been afraid to tell me?"
He stopped for a second and looked at her before continuing to walk with his eyes locked on the ground. He knew that this was the perfect opening for what he wanted to talk to her about but he was afraid to say anything. He was terrified of losing her, his only link to his past and in many ways his truest friend. Yet he knew he had come to Ithilien for one reason only and he would never forgive himself if he left without having spoken with her.
He grabbed her by the arm and gently led her into a secluded glade in the gardens. They were the only people there and his keen ears would pick up on anyone coming close enough to hear them but it felt better to have the protection of the hedges around them. It felt more private and secluded.
"Merry what is it?" Éowyn said with a little laugh, surprised at his reaction.
"You're right, I have been afraid to tell you something" Merry said, gripping her hands and looking into her eyes. "Something which is difficult to say but even more difficult to keep secret." He took a deep breath and let go of her hands. "What I feel for you goes beyond friendship. I love you. I'm in love with you."
Éowyn's face went pale. Merry could see the insecurity that appeared in her eyes and bit his lip when she involuntarily took a step back from him. Now he had said it. Now there was no turning back.
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"You wanted to see me, Milord?" Pippin said hesitantly and stepped inside Faramir's study.
"Yes, come in, close the door behind you."
Pippin did as told and walked into the middle of the room. He looked down at his own hands, nervous to look at Faramir. It felt as if he had done something wrong, and in a way he had. He was an accomplice to what Merry was doing because he knew and he had not done anything to stop it other than try to talk Merry out of it.
"I have a job for you" Faramir said. "Something I can't entrust to just anyone."
"Perhaps you shouldn't entrust it to me then" Pippin said and swallowed.
"On the contrary" Faramir said and smiled at him. "You are my most trusted esquire and my close friend. Who better to trust than you?"
Pippin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He knew he couldn't let Faramir put his faith in him when the truth was that he was going behind his back. He had too much love and respect for the steward.
"I'm sorry Milord" he said. "I really wish that I could help you. But it would not be fair for me to do so."
"What nonsense is this?" Faramir asked, almost amused. "Peregrin Took you are a dear friend of mine and I know I can trust you completely."
"I wish that were true" Pippin said. "But the truth is I have already betrayed you."
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"I wish you would say something" Merry said when Éowyn had been silent for minutes. Then he changed his mind and interrupted her before she could even begin to speak. "No on second thought you needn't say anything at all! I don't want anything from you. I just needed to know the truth about who I am and what I feel… and what I felt… For the truth is I loved you even then. And I've always known that. I just thought I had misplaced my love for someone else onto you since I could remember you, but when I felt nothing for my fiancée I began to wonder. Then finally I knew the truth. My feelings were for you and they always had been. As soon as I saw you here again I knew that it was so."
Éowyn didn't answer. She didn't even want to look at him. He could tell that her tears were not far away and he wished he could just be quiet and stop tormenting her like this. But the dice had been rolled and he had to follow through.
"Éowyn you… you are as fair as life itself" he said softly. "And yet your fairness is the least of your qualities. How could I not feel this way for you?"
"You really shouldn't" Éowyn said, finally finding some words to say. "Can't we just forget that you ever said those words to me?"
"I have forgotten enough" Merry said. "I won't forget this. It had to be said."
"Oh Meriadoc…" Éowyn sighed. "You have meant more to me than I ever expected anybody to do… and I'm so grateful to you for everything you have done for me, for my family and for my kingdom. Please don't ruin the bond that we have. I can never be yours, you know that!"
"I'm throwing away my best friend" Merry said and looked down at his feet. "I realise that. Yet I would have lost you just the same if I had kept quiet. I would always have carried this like a burden and you would have known something was wrong. You knew today that something was wrong! I would rather have you know than have you wonder because I know how hard it is to wonder about something for so long! To always have it within your grasp but be unable to reach it! I search for a long time for the answers but I did not see, I didn't realise that I couldn't find the answers because I already had them. I felt this way about you because that's just how it always has been."
"No Merry, it's not" Éowyn said with emphasis. "I have been your good friend and nothing more. What you're feeling now is insecurity. You remember me and you misinterpret the feeling of friendship and belonging."
"I will not deny what I'm feeling" Merry said. "Please understand… I am not asking you to feel the same. I know you never could, I'm just a Hobbit. What I'm asking is for you to understand. What kind of friendship would we have if I always kept such a huge secret from you? I have been accused of lying to my friends, that I lied to them in the past. I don't want to be that way, not this time around. I won't lie to you about what I feel for you."
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Pippin felt miserable and wished he could put on a magic ring and vanish. Faramir was looking at him with genuine surprise and confusion and Pippin wondered if he had said too much. He hated Merry for having placed him in this situation. Now Pippin would have to decide where his loyalties laid, with his old best friend or with the steward he had loved and served for two decades. Either he told Faramir the truth and betrayed Merry, or he kept Faramir in the dark and thus helped someone else woo his wife. Neither option felt very tempting.
Faramir rose from the chair he had been sitting in and walked over to his esquire. Pippin stood at attention, almost as if he had swallowed a pitchfork. He was afraid to look at Faramir and the taller figure frowned when he saw the shorter avert his eyes.
"Betrayed me?" he said and raised an eyebrow at Pippin. "How is it that you have betrayed me?"
"I… I don't know if I can tell you that. It's complicated. I either betray you or I betray someone else I care about."
"Merry?"
Pippin didn't answer. Faramir sat down on his desk and caught Pippin's eye.
"What could possibly be so bad that you would betray either me or… your other friend?" he asked.
"I…"
"Come now Peregrin, you can tell me. Do I not owe you trust and the benefit of the doubt?"
"It's not that I have done something myself to betray you, Milord" Pippin tried to explain. "It's that I know of something someone is doing which is wrong by you. It is not what you deserve. And I have not stopped it."
"Is it serious?"
"Potentially."
Faramir mulled it over for a minute. He had not seen Pippin this uncomfortable in a long time. He began to doubt if it was in fact Merry Pippin was trying to protect, he couldn't think of anything Merry could want to do which would hurt Faramir to that degree.
"If we're lucky it all fails and you will never have to know what has been going on behind your back" Pippin said. "And if we're not so lucky you will be furious to find out. Either way it is bad that I know about it at this moment, I've known for a few days even, and yet I have done nothing to warn you or to stop it from happening."
"Is someone planning a coup d'etat?" Faramir asked.
"No" Pippin said. "But I cannot tell you what is going on because… because I cannot betray the confidence that was given to me. Yet by keeping it I am betraying you. And by saying anything to you about it like I have now I am quite sure I have betrayed both you and my other friend."
Faramir was quiet for a long time. He looked at Pippin intensely and tried to figure out what he could be talking about. This felt like a coated warning from the Hobbit but he couldn't imagine what he would be warning him about. Had Pippin told him the truth straight out he would not have believed him, his own mind would never stray into anything even related to what was actually going on.
"Master Peregrin…" he said finally.
"Yes?" Pippin said and swallowed nervously.
"I owe a great deal to you. Whatever it is that is going on it is not your fault that it is happening. You saved my life; I know I can trust you with not only my life but that of my wife and my son. Not once in all these years have you been disloyal to me. I know that your allegiance lies here and if it is torn away by something or someone then I believe you have cause to make the choices you make. Fear not. You have not betrayed me and you never will. Whatever happens, I put my faith in you."
Pippin nodded slowly and closed his eyes. He was not sure he deserved the huge faith Faramir had in him.
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"Don't you understand?" Merry said softly. "I have dreamt of you, I have dreamt of kissing your lips, stroking the hair out of your face, whispering in your ear… and I know what I would whisper… that I love you."
"Merry please stop!" Éowyn said and raised a hand to emphasise her words. "Don't you see that it is hard enough that you went away? I have carried the guilt with me for more than ten years; please don't place the burden of your love on top of it!"
"Why would you feel guilty of anything?" Merry asked.
"Because I let you slip away from me… I let you disappear into the night, into death. You had been missing for days when I first rode out to find you! I hid away in my chambers and did nothing to help. I never even attended your funeral. Looking back now I know I should have gone out to find you. Had I searched for you from the very first day I know I would have found you. But I didn't. I let you disappear. I wonder where you were all those years, if you were alone and if you remembered what happened before…" She cut herself off before she could finish the sentence and quickly began on the next. "I didn't go to find you because it was too difficult. You disappeared because of that. It's simply by happenstance that you ever came back. Your loss of memory could have been prevented too, if only we had found you in time. I don't deserve your love Meriadoc; it breaks my heart that you are so willing to give it to me. I don't even deserve to be the only person you can remember. Why couldn't it have been Peregrin? Why couldn't you have remembered him instead? He wanted so badly to go look for you but he was denied. He never stopped feeling you all those years you were gone. Deep down inside Peregrin knew you were still alive and that is why he couldn't let you go."
"I remember you because you were the one I loved" Merry said simply.
"Please… We were dear friends but nothing more. We had something special, indeed we did! You taught me to laugh and to cry, you helped me become who I always needed to be. And I helped you grow and I looked after you in a way that nobody had before. We made each other stronger and we helped each other develop. All I know about being me I learned from you. This is a very powerful connection to have with someone and it might be easy to confuse it with love. But it never was love."
"I realise that it wasn't love for you" Merry said. "You love your husband. He is a good man and worthy of your affection. What do I have to offer a princess? I am merely a Hobbit, not even one of your own kind. I live far away, I am used to other customs than you, the whole idea of us ever being together is absurd. But the heart wants what the heart wants and it doesn't think logically. I am not asking you to love me. Just to accept that I will love you until my heart stops beating and I die for real."
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"May I ask a favour of you?" Faramir said and urged Pippin to sit down in the white armchair next to where Faramir was seated. "Aside from what I called you here for."
"Anything."
"Don't let all that has happened change who you are. These are hard times but don't let them harden you, your whole life has changed but don't let it change who you are. If you give it time you will land on your feet again, with or without Meriadoc. Nothing would grieve me more than seeing you land as another Hobbit."
"It's hard not to let it change you" Pippin said and sighed. "How do you stay the same after all that I've been through?"
"By looking to yourself to get through the hardships" Faramir said. "You know you have the strength to handle this. Don't let it beat you."
"What if I want to change?" Pippin asked. "Or rather, what if I want to stay the person I became while he was gone?"
"Do you remember when he disappeared?" Faramir asked, hoping to make Pippin think back to who he was.
"How could I ever forget?"
"I know I'll never forget it" Faramir said. "I remember when I handed you his backpack and gave you the news that we believed him to be dead. Your cry of pain was unlike anything I had ever heard before. And I remember how you were shaking, I stayed with you and your friends for fifteen minutes and you couldn't stop shaking. You said you were cold."
"I don't remember that part" Pippin said and shrugged a shoulder.
"I remember the look that would appear on your face whenever someone called you Master Holdwine by mistake. I remember very vividly the look on your face when you and my wife returned from having searched for Merry. Oddly enough though, what I remember most vividly of all are the moments when you smiled or joked or seemed to almost have forgotten what had happened to Merry. I cannot tell you how comforted I was by those moments. I knew then that you would always be the same Pippin, that your spirit had not died when your friend did. Don't let it die now when he has turned out to be alive."
Pippin felt a tear fall down his cheek. Even back then Faramir had known that Pippin was worth something even without Merry, that he was still himself without his cousin. There was at least someone who had seen him for who he really was and not just as a part of a duo. He could not imagine being anything but completely loyal to this man who seemed to see him for who he really was, better than anyone else had.
"As difficult as it is," he said, "I want to tell you what is going on behind your back right now."
Faramir shook his head.
"Don't. Don't get any further involved than you already are."
Pippin got up on his feet and on an impulse gave Faramir a big hug. The man laughed at the unexpected gesture and tousled Pippin's curls. There was an understanding between them which had not changed over the years and Pippin found it more comforting than anything else since he had returned to Gondor.
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"You must do one more thing for me" Merry said and placed a hand on Éowyn's. "If you cannot accept how I feel about you then you must at least do one other thing for me. You owe me that much, wouldn't you say?"
"What do you want me to do?" Éowyn asked meekly.
"Forgive yourself for whatever went down all those years ago. You wouldn't have found me Éowyn, no matter when you rode out."
Éowyn was tempted to smile. Wasn't that what Pippin had said to her too?
"What you don't see Merry is that it's not about whether or not I would have found you" she said.
"Oh? I thought you just said that it was."
"It's about the reasons why I didn't try to find you. I was so scared… Nothing excuses how little I did for you all those years ago and it makes me even less deserving of your love and affection. I can never forgive myself for what happened."
"Not even for me? Whatever it was I'm sure I wouldn't have minded. I'm sure that the person I was then understood and forgave you."
"You wouldn't have forgiven me this" she said and sighed.
"But I'm asking you now to forgive yourself" Merry said. "You need to put it out of your mind, my sweet."
"I know that it does me no good to think back on it… It's not easy to remember… but even harder to forget. If you only knew… you wouldn't be so quick to forgive me."
"Éowyn I just confessed my love for you" Merry said. "And love forgives everything. Yet love aside I would have forgiven you for look what I have done to you now! I know I shouldn't have said anything about my feelings; I've put you in the most awkward position. I will keep my distance from now on, that I promise you!"
"Distance or not you know that I'll be here when you want me to" Éowyn said. "I'll never let you down again."
"Maybe I should go now" Merry said and took a deep breath. "What more can I hope to accomplish here? You know how I feel now. I know you don't return my feelings. I… I knew that was going to be the answer I got, but I still need some time apart from you to heal my broken heart. I cannot believe I was so foolish as to ever fall in love with a princess! A married one at that! I need to go now…"
He left her behind and wrapped his cape closer around him as he tried to find his way out of the gardens. He knew everything was wrecked now. She knew how he felt and they would never look at each other again without having that hanging between them. The innocence of their relationship to one another was gone. All that was left for him to do was to lick his wounds and go back to the Shire.
"Merry!"
Éowyn's voice was breathless; he could tell she had run to catch up with him. He looked at her and wished she hadn't, she was so beautiful in her upset state and it hurt him very much to know with full certainty that he would never have her. He wondered what she wanted, why she had run after him.
"Don't you know I feel the same?" she said.
It took him a second to understand what she had said. Then it all hit him at once. Memories came back to him and each one hurt more than the next. They had been here before. They had had this conversation before, in these gardens. On the day he disappeared he had confessed his love for her and she had denied him, just like she had denied him today, just like she always would deny him. Upset by the realisation that she knew he loved her but she would never be his, and that he would have to live with that and face her time and time again knowing that, Merry had ridden out of the city to get away from it all. And he had indeed gotten away from it all; he had left the city not to return for twelve years. All he had wanted to do that day was to forget that he ever knew Éowyn and that he had ever had that conversation. He had partly gotten his wish but it had only brought him back to square one again.
But the worst part was what she had just told him. She felt the same. He could see it in her eyes now and oddly enough he longed back to when he hadn't been able to. He understood what she hadn't thought he would be able to forgive. The first time around she had not told him that she loved him too and when he had disappeared she had been too afraid to go and find him. He didn't know what to do with that information.
Éowyn saw his insecurity and how painful it was for him to hear what she had just told him. Yet she was glad she had told him. The last time she had chosen another path, and ever since that day she had wished she could get a chance to do it all over again. Now the chance had arrived and she had nearly been too cowardly to let it pass her by.
"I never told you…" she said, "because I thought it was better you didn't know. For I love my husband too. And I can never leave him."
"I understand" Merry said with a slow nod. "You love him, you loved him when you were wed and you feel the same still. I know."
"To love you is wrong, I'm sorry but that's the truth" Éowyn said. "He deserves better than that. I can never leave him, not for anything or anyone. That's just who I am."
"I know that too" Merry said slowly. "I could never change you, and if I could I wouldn't, for then you wouldn't be the one I love. I'm sorry that I brought this up again and ruined everything. We had been given a second chance, a chance to make it right with our friendship, and I ruined it."
She shook her head no but he didn't take it in. Looking at her he realised that it was the last time he ever would lay his eyes on her. They would never meet again. And for as long as he lived he would remember her this way, in the frosty January gardens, clad in her white gown and coat and her breath as white as the snow on the ground. It was a lovely picture and he would keep it with him forever.
Without saying anything else he walked away from her. He felt like he would be sick. There were some things which were best left forgotten but he now remembered their last confrontation. That time he had wished he could forget about it forever, now he had two such confrontations to remember. He didn't know how he would be able to look Faramir in the eye again, or anybody else he knew for that matter. He wished he could disappear again, no matter who would be hurt if that happened.
He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he nearly collided with Pippin when he came around a corner. The other Hobbit gave him a look and backed away a bit and Merry wondered if he had scared him.
"Oh, sorry!" he said and tried to smile. "I didn't see you there."
"Hard to see anything when you're walking through the bushes" Pippin remarked with a frown. "What are you doing walking about in the gardens, I thought you didn't like going into them?"
"I just parted with the lady Éowyn; we took a walk through the gardens while we talked."
Pippin looked Merry up and down. He got a horrible sense of déjà vu. There was something about the words that were said and the look on his cousin's face. Merry was going away again.
"You're leaving" Pippin said matter-of-factly, and his cousin nodded. "Then I'm leaving with you. We'll both go away. Together this time."
Merry nodded, not in the mood for a discussion.
"Okay."
Suddenly the sight of Pippin made Merry feel grateful, but to what or whom he didn't know. All he knew was that it felt good not to be alone, he would go back to the Shire and Pippin would keep him company. He gave his cousin a spontaneous hug and told him he wanted to leave right away.
Pippin nodded. He had figured that much out already. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had been given a second chance at what happened the day Merry left, and this time he might have done it right.