Trapdoor (Part 13)

by anza (04.12.05)

It was three in the morning when Cloud sat up. It was the next morning already. He had slept a few hours since leaving Kadaj making dinner in the kitchen, and his stomach was clearly making it known he hadn't eaten. Still, he threw aside the covers with a decisive manner that showed, above all, that his desperation had reached a breaking point.

The guitar case was right there in the back of his closet where he'd left after Loz's birthday. His heart clenched at the thought - Loz. Loz and Yazoo and Kadaj. The three brothers that had changed his life, had pointed his life in a real, meaningful direction.

He stared at it a moment, lost in thought. He could feel plastic under his hands, ridged like elephant skin, the firm white print of "Valentine" running up one side. In the back of his mind, the rational part of him was telling to him to move, fast, now that the Turks wouldn't expect him to do anything but mull for a few days. But as his hands brushed the spiderweb-cracks on the cover, the icy-glint of the latches, he couldn't help but think if he opened this case, he would have to throw them away, them, his brothers, his heart...

He wrenched himself away from his despair. Sephiroth would take of them. At least, Sephiroth would take care of them like he was supposed to, or Cloud and his fluffy chocobo head would decapitate him with his own six-foot sword.

More weird imagination? Cloud shook his head as if he could clear it. It wasn't time to imagine anything. It was time to leave this life, leave his brothers as if they never existed, leave all of it behind in a mad escape plan that was probably going to fail...

He pushed all thought aside. There was enough space for four changes of clothes, a handtowel, some soap and shampoo, and three crisp green rolls of money. It wouldn't be enough, he knew - but the boys all knew their emergency accounts to draw on if they needed anything, and this would last until he found new employment, probably nothing like his job at Shin-Ra Company...

With a final snap, the guitar case closed. The guitar was still in the case, of course - it was the compartment above and below it that held of all his stuff. He didn't leave a single corner empty of stuff, whether it was extra keys, extra money, a small photo album...guns, and enough ammo to take down a small army if he was careful enough with it. Vincent's pocketknife, a list of addresses and phone numbers to call if anything arose, pens and pencils, an alarm clock. Things, all the things that would make up his future life, packed all in this little black box.

He wouldn't cry. He refused to cry. But the feeling of leaving, of hopelessness crashed over him wave after wave, and he turned away from the suitcase and all it symbolized to look out the window, seeing the view for the first and last time.

He was making his way down the stairs when he realized the television was on. As he stepped down, his foot met the cool wooden floorboards in the same moment he saw someone was there, seated in front of the television. The noise-cancellation headphones were plugged in, the black line starting from the hunk of machinery, past a pair of bare feet, and up to the headphones -

- Yazoo. Yazoo was seated in front of the television.

As soon as Cloud noticed him, the middle brother took off the headphones. Now Cloud could hear people dying in synchonization with the people on the screen. Setting down the guitar case as inconspicuously as he could at the bottom of the staircase, he made his way into the living room, taking a seat on the armrest of his favorite armchair.

"What's the guitar case for?" Yazoo's voice was steady, revealing nothing.

"Why are you still up?" Cloud matched his brother's voice in blankness.

A pause. And then: "Are you leaving us, nii-san?" There - at the very end, Cloud could detect a hint of that same hysterical desperation as he was feeling at the moment.

He tried to think, but found it was as if he was grasping at smoke. All there was in his mind was the giant gaping hole where the future was. How could he provide the same surety he had in the past? He hadn't known this would happen, so what could he say now? "Do you know why I'm rich," he said, finally.

"No."

Cloud took a deep breath to explain. "It's because my mother was part of the Turks. She was the favorite of the previous godfather. In order to save me, she made a deal with the opposition to raise a scandal so that the previous godfather would be killed. It succeeded, a coup followed, and in the midst my mother was executed by the remaining supporters of the previous godfather. The new godfather kept to his promise and kept me out of all mafia affairs - as well as granting my mother's wish of giving me a hefty fortune to survive on. I've kept it all safe - safe, in your accounts, so that whenever you should need it -"

"What about you?" Yazoo's voice betrayed nothing, but his eyes said, You do so much for us it hurts, nii-san.

"I've got enough." His voice was tighter than usual. With his eyes, he replied, You know I'd do it again, and that I'd do it doubly, triplely, quadruplely more if it mattered.

They sat together, the only noise between them the screams of the dying from the headphones and the ticking of the clock in the kitchen. Finally Yazoo spoke again, "Where are you going?" And then quickly, before Cloud could reply, "Why can't you take us with you?"

Fondly he placed one hand on Yazoo's head. Despite himself, despite the bitterness of his circumstances, he smiled. "You've got your own lives now, Yazoo. I can't take you away from that. Where I'm going is dangerous - I couldn't put you in danger, any of you. Sephiroth will take care of you, don't you worry. And there's enough money to -"

There was a sudden movement and then taciturn, unemotional Yazoo was hugging him close, squeezing him as if he couldn't bear to let go even for a moment. "I don't give a damn about the money, nii-san! But I know for sure all of us would rather have you here, here with us than any money in the world!"

Shocked, he held his brother close. Yazoo wasn't crying, but his shoulders were shaking. "It's alright," Cloud murmured, "it's alright. I'll be safe. You've got each other, you don't need a dysfunctional brother like me -" A choked moan/sob from Yazoo that caught him by surprise, and then he held his brother closer. Yazoo felt warm, soft, hair pressed against Cloud's nose. "Take care of them, Yazoo - Loz looks to you to keep you guys all together, my brothers, my beautiful brothers..." He wished, wished to whatever deity lived up above that he wouldn't have to leave them for too long, or else he swore he would go insane. "I'll be here, right here, when you need me, just think of me and I promise I'll be there like I always have, Yazoo."

"I miss you already."

He smiled, sadly. "I don't want to leave," he whispered harshly to the silence of the room.

If it had been Kadaj, he would have exclaimed, "Then don't!", but this was Yazoo, who just quieted, thinking. When they pulled apart, those green eyes were as clear and blank as ever. "You have go to where you have to go, nii-san. I know it's not safe, so I'll always worry. But take care of yourself, nii-san. And...," he frowned, and Cloud waited, "...one last thing."

Then those eyes lifted, and Cloud swore Yazoo was speaking plain English, but he wasn't understanding, couldn't comprehend. "I want you to take Kadaj with you," Yazoo said, and Cloud saw he was utterly serious.