Trapdoor (Part 24)

by anza (19.12.05)

The day after New Years, the brothers were walking briskly towards the SOLDIER headquarters. The two of them paused at the same cafe, bought the same drinks they had for the last three weeks, and then continued on to work. The rest of the employees were all on paid vacations, but Cloud figured if he and Kadaj put in one last good day of work while everyone else was taking a break, they could be well and truly caught up on everything.

They were about halfway there when Kadaj turned to the blond and asked, "Nii-san, are you feeling alright?"

At the moment, he had been wracking his brains for a way to prove Zack was a Turk. "Huh," he replied intelligently, and then added belatedly, "Yeah, yeah, I'm alright." Frustrated, he went over everything he had, and still came up with no answer. Zack Darklighter remained hazy in his memories and irritating in cold reality as he had been when Cloud first met him.

There was a rustle, and then Cloud stopped abruptly, because Kadaj was standing right in front of him. From the sudden clearness in his youngest brother's eyes, he'd obviously been missing something while he'd been busying puzzling out Zack. "Nii-san," he ground out, obviously irritated, "you're not hearing me."

"I am." It sounded ridiculously flimsy even to his ears.

"You are not." Tossing his empty hot chocolate cup into the nearest trash can, Kadaj crossed his arms almost poutily and continued, "You've been working nonstop since we got here. You don't talk to me, you don't take me out like you used to, you don't even drink oolong tea like you used to!" He stepped forward, and Cloud almost took a step backwards from their close proximity. He could feel the heat from Kadaj's coat right from where he stood - oh no, oh no, he'd been ignoring the trapdoor successfully for the last three weeks by burying himself in his work, why did Kadaj have to bring this sensation up NOW?

His brother was speaking again. "...I don't know when you turned into a workaholic, but you need to stop! You're wearing yourself down and worse, you're wearing ME down! We're supposed to be running from the Turks, right, so tell me, why aren't we running? Certainly you're not planning to stay here, are you?"

Cloud stared at him for a moment, and then looked away. Despite his jilting upbringing, he had been pretty well sheltered once Sephiroth's family took him in. He had graduated high school and college early according to his accelerated learning courses, he had entered Shin-Ra Company without a problem, and once he was there, he rose to the top. The comfortable yuppie lifestyle did appeal to him, and he was loathe to give it up. That was why, even above all misgivings, he had accepted Zack's offer, even if it seemed suspicious beyond belief. And...

...and, he was willing to admit, Zack attracted him somewhat. Not (just) physically, but as a friend as well. Shin-Ra Company didn't exactly provide friends among executives, but Cloud had missed the easy camaradie shared from late night meetings and over sickening amounts of Wutaian takeout. Going to the bar and watching other people, putting in a shy word here and there. Watching Tifa, letting her extract him out of his shell. Zack seemed like one big friendly package with a job offer. Things were never that easy in real life. Yet...Cloud wanted to trust something. He had trusted and been betrayed all his life. Sephiroth had turned into a Turk. Possibly everyone in Shin-Ra except for him was a Turk. Now he was trusting again, knowing his heart and his trust would be broken again...but he wanted hope, that frail little bird rattling in his ribcage, to come out and prove him wrong for once.

He was in a world of cutthroats, business and mafia, and he was trusting Zack on hope.

"Nii-san!" Kadaj's eyes were angry, a very light green that showed he was past annoyance. "You -"

The trapdoor under their feet had to be rid of first. Right. He began walking again, slower to show he didn't mean to escape his brother's questions, and gulped down the rest of his coffee quickly so he wouldn't be interrupted halfway. "Listen," he began, and glanced to see he really did have all of Kadaj's attention, "I don't mean to push the two of us this hard. It's just - you can't tell, can't you? That I want to... escape." They stopped outside of a newsstand, where Zack's face grinned from the sidebar of the morning paper. "I...I failed, Kadaj. I failed. Failed to bring Yazoo and Loz with me."

Silence, but the thought hung in the air with little malice. It was a statement, and one admitted with some pain, but Cloud knew Kadaj was just chewing it over. "So you bury yourself in work," the teen asked finally. "You used to be such a slacker at the company."

"That was after you guys came." And after Vincent left, he added mentally. "I realized that now that I had responsibility for people other than myself, I needed to push myself harder. Do...do you remember Vincent?" The silver-haired teenager started to shake his head, and then caught himself. "The picture in my wallet?" There were times where he didn't want to lock his bike so they could go into the convenience store together, and had just simply handed Kadaj his wallet. With that reminder, Kadaj nodded hesitantly. "The man in black and red is Vincent. He left because I started ignoring everything but work. That's when I realized working wasn't the only thing I could provide for you - hence the slacking. I didn't realize I wanted someone to depend on me until the three of you came. I didn't realize I had a need for people that ran that deep. Vincent...he was dependent, and I thought I would be happy with that. But taking children is a full-time job, and after I realized how precious all of you were, I realized I had to protect you, had to provide you the best of the best. It was no less than my very responsibility, something I vowed when I first saw the smile on your faces when you sipped my hot chocolate."

Something had warmed in his youngest brother's eyes as he spoke, and now Kadaj was smiling faintly, as lost in the past as he was. "And you...feel the need to provide for me?" Cloud nodded. "By working both of us to death?"

"It kept our minds off of Yazoo and Loz, didn't it?" The truth was laid out, bare and bleak.

There was a light brush of gloved hands on his arm. "Nii-san." That voice was so soft, so calm, rippling gently through Cloud as if it physically brushed the burden from his overworked shoulders. "Nii-san, you're so strong. But you still haven't asked one important question yet."

There was something flickering in those eyes, something that made Cloud's desire jump with hope, against all attempts to squash it. "Why did I come on this trip?"

----------

The first time he realized he saw the shadow of the trapdoor was not when they practiced dancing. It was almost a year ago, when they had been shopping together at the mall, just the two of them, and Kadaj had waggled one eyebrow almost suggestively at him, then dragged him into a girl's lingerie store for kicks.

Admist the Valentine's Day craze, the two of them wandered through the reds and pinks and whites, Kadaj trying not to stare at the...lacy-er ones, Cloud looking out into space until he noticed the saleswoman was wondering why he was staring at one of the dangling posters of their most scantilly clad models. With an exasperated sigh, he yanked them both out of the store before Kadaj did anything stupid (like buying one of the panties to give to Yazoo during Christmas - that was why they were in there in the first place. Cloud had rolled his eyes and told him if he really wanted to get Yazoo a gag gift, he could certainly get panties cheaper at the neighborhood superstore).

Once outside, Kadaj burst into chuckles. "Nii-san," he said, "your face! You look like you'd rather someone caught you naked in the bathroom reading porn or something!"

Three stores down, Cloud led the two of them into a CD store. His mind was, on one hand, trying to come up with some comeback for Kadaj's comment, but instead he was seeing inappropriate half-images of Kadaj in lingerie. No matter how he tried, he couldn't shake it out of his head. He understood, of course, that his sixteen-year-old brother was attractive, and dangerously so, but it had never struck him as hard as it did in that moment. He snuck a glance at the silver-haired teen through the various signs and promotions littered through the store.

Kadaj was quietly listening to an alternative artist, black adjustable headphones over his ears, eyes half-closed in enjoyment. He bobbed his head lightly in time to the beat, his hair swinging lightly to cover his ears. Cloud didn't know how many times he had told Kadaj to either chop it into bangs he could look out of, part his hair from the middle like Yazoo, or use a freaking hairclip. Now, watching as it brushed into those green eyes, hazed in enjoyment, he quickly looked back down at his own selections.

Thoughts crowded his head. He wondered if Kadaj would like the things he bought. He wondered if Kadaj would ever take his advice - he wondered if he could hold his hand. Strange, tentative, and hopelessly hopeful...stupid, insane, and very possibly the end of his reputation if he found out - but in one crystal clear moment, it hit him like a freight train between the eyes that Cloud Strife, Sales Bureau Executive Manager, was a very gay man and his attractive younger brother was unbearably single.

His first rebuke was that it wasn't "younger" brother. It was "youngest".

His second rebuke was that he really, really, REALLY needed to get laid.

----------

They were standing outside of the SOLDIER complex when Cloud tried to answer Kadaj's question. "You...knew I wouldn't last alone?"

"Partly." Kadaj's eyes showed nothing, but there was...some pride in that voice. As if he was completely immersed in his conviction for whatever reason he was there.

"You wanted to help me."

"It's simpler than that."

"He wants you, nii-san." Yazoo's voice rippled through his mind, churning up waves of discomfort.

But this was the last guess. A little part of him sparked in amusement, feeling ironic even though there was nothing ironic about the situation. What the hell..., he thought resignedly, might as well give it a try. "Was it that you just wanted to stay with me?"

He watched Kadaj's face. His youngest brother wasn't the most closed-off face he'd ever met (that would be Sephiroth, though Cloud leapt in surprise at the name. He had almost forgotten all about him), but he certainly didn't wear his heart on his sleeve. Though they weren't closely blood related, Kadaj had picked up on Cloud's sensitivity to other people, able to judge people's moods at a glance, with all the proper human reactions at all the right times. Now, Cloud had to watch closely to distinguish his brother's warring emotions: first, surprise in the widening of those eyes just slightly; and then the mouth tightened imperceptibly, telling him Kadaj suspected he knew...something he wasn't willing to admit to himself yet; and then, that gorgeous face tilted downward, towards the concrete, before coming back up, face devoid of any conflicting emotion.

Those green eyes shot him through, searching his face for any clue, but Cloud was careful, so much more careful. Something had been revealed between the two of them. It was strange how secrets brought people together yet put walls between them as well.

Neither had to say anything. They both knew Cloud had guessed rightly.