Trapdoor (Part 27)

by anza (28.12.05)

It wasn't even in his jurisdiction. But it'd gone on for three weeks and it was time to take action. Production seemed to agree, and Company Security waved him through, so Cloud concluded that by the end of the week, he was going to Wutai to take a closer look at who the hell was bribing the police.

The factory with the most smuggling was, appropriately and obviously, in Wutai. It wasn't in Wutai proper, in a gray no-man's zone created after the last Continent-Wutai War. It must have been hell for Zack or whoever was President before him to secure that land, since it was relatively lax on production rules - that is, assuming Zack went through legal channels. Bribes were useful everywhere, as Cloud found during his ascent to the head of the Shin-Ra Company Sales Department.

Inside, his insides seemed determined to twist themselves into a soupy mess. The morning he awoke to find Vincent absent from his bed, he'd called every number he knew, every joint they frequented together, every place they'd ever watched a movie, eaten, slept in - every number in Costa Del Sol, Midgar, Nibelheim, Cosmo Canyon, all to no avail. Vincent had disappeared in the whirl of bodies on the street, even with his striking height and distinctive looks. There was only one place he could have gone to that Cloud couldn't reach: Wutai.

Wutai, his home, the motherland Vincent spoke of rarely but fondly of. Cloud didn't know where to start in Wutai - there only a handful of Valentines, he knew that, but he also knew "Valentine" wasn't a Wutaian name, and thus NOT the name Vincent would go by. If Vincent didn't want to be found, he wouldn't be. It was during this time Cloud feverishly flew through Wutaian classes at the local community college, shooting to the top of his class with his superb pronunciation and lightning (at least to all the other students) reading speed. His use of idioms, especially ones with no Continental translation, was amazing to his instructors. But in the end, there was simply too much of Wutai to ask. He couldn't leave; Kadaj was eleven and on the verge of getting his Ph.D., he couldn't leave when that boy needed him here to cheer him on. And so the dream of ever finding Vincent crumbled like an eroding statue, a chipped and imperfect memorial of what had once been the most exciting time in Cloud's life.

But three days before departure, Cloud wasn't thinking of Wutai or Vincent. He and Zack lounged outside of the dressing room, Cloud raising an eyebrow at the frilly pink confectionary Zack planned to buy ("I'll wear it just to shock people at work - they can't talk back to me anyway! It'll be my tango shirt! It'll set a new record at that place!") and then at his own modest, dark-colored pickings. Vincent had changed his life, but not like Zack had. Zack wormed his way into every aspect of Cloud's life - his clothing, his food, his entertainment, telling him to always try new things. He managed to avoid some of the crazier ones (like the suggestion to go skydiving on Sunday; Cloud wasn't sure if Kadaj was up to pushing his dead body in a wheelchair to work the next day) or the more disgusting ones (tarantulas, while roasted and slathered in A1 sauce, might look like demented pork ribs, but the blond was willing to bet they tasted nothing like them). Now, almost a month into his stay, he couldn't imagine a life without the bright cheeriness of his boss.

Suddenly the snap of cloth announced Kadaj was done. Both of them turned to see what the teen had put on this time - and Cloud's jaw fell open in shock.

"Well," his youngest brother twirled once, "what do you think?". Cloud tried - tried really, REALLY hard - not to ogle Kadaj's ass. Somehow it seemed... bigger. He blinked and focused on a point right past Kadaj's right shoulder instead, hoping there was no blush on his face. Oh, who the hell was he kidding?

Zack gave his youngest brother a half-lidded lookover, half-smirking at what he saw. "I think you make a very beautiful woman, Kane." Flirtingly he held out his hand, and the silver-haired secretary took it with equal coquettishness. Cloud was almost - almost, because this was Zack - shocked when his dark-haired boss licked his lips and brushed the bangs out of Kadaj's eyes to lean close to the pale shell of one ear. "Pretty enough to eat, sweetheart. I don't suppose you're free tonight?"

Kadaj lounged in the loose circle of Zack's arms, so comfortably Cloud had to gulp. He saw himself in Zack's arms, not his youngest brother! Heavens, Zack was even older than Cloud was! Unbidden a tendril of jealous snaked up to tighten around his heart. But it receded with Kadaj's next comment: "You can try, but I've already got somebody in mind, Zack."

"Oh?" Was it just him or did Zack's gaze shift ever so slightly in his direction for a moment?

"Yeah." That voice was cool, without inflection - a sure sign Kadaj was trying to hide something. If Yazoo hadn't told him, Cloud would have been wondering even now what Kadaj had to hide. "Or you could try to get through Rowe." That was met with chuckles and a real, chagrined, pleading look from Zack thrown in the blond's direction. "I said try. But I'm sure Rowe will kick your ass."

Zack looked over him appraisingly. Cloud felt his insides turn simultanuously into ice and into mush. He was being checked out. He hadn't been checked out since...well, since Vincent. And Vincent was a long time ago.

He couldn't help the bright flush that spread up his face, and ducked his head in embarrassment. He turned to leave - what could he say? Did any social decorum provide responses to being looked over? "I'm gonna check out the CD section," he muttered so low only he could hear it, and panicked, started in a random direction, and almost ran towards the electronics sign once he saw it.

Why the hell was Kadaj dressed in girl's clothes anyway?

"C'mon, Rowe, don't be mad!" Kadaj and Zack caught up with him as he paid for his new clothes (a soft green pullover, a dark blue button-up business shirt, a conservative white-and-black classically patterned tie, a slightly thicker jacket than the one he'd been toting around) and his CDs (a few rock ones he knew Kadaj would enjoy, a piano concerto by a player he'd been searching for since he heard him last winter, and a jazz one he could plug in when he was particularly feeling the need to block out the rest of the world). Zack dumped his purchases on the conveyor, grabbed Kadaj's and piled his on top of THAT, and then roughly shoved Cloud out of the way. The blond blinked and didn't realize what Zack was doing until the president smartly swiped his credit card and signed the electronic signature pad with a flourish.

"HEY!" Cloud rarely raised his voice, but he was really fuming. He'd been put under the proverbial spotlight, and embarrassed, and forced to retreat. Zack knew he wasn't good with talking or hanging out with other people. He knew he was being childish, lashing back at Zack like this, but he was so flustered he couldn't think. "YOU'RE the one who gives me my salary! And there's certainly enough to buy everything here, so why -"

Zack waved his protests aside with a flick of his hand. "Nonsense, Rowe -"

"WHAT'S MY SALARY FOR if you won't even let me PAY FOR MY OWN STUFF!"

With a teasing grin, Zack winked at him. Dammit, I must stop blushing because Zack is making suggestive gestures, Cloud pounded into his head. It's not even the first time he's shown interest in me! I really must be repressed. "Why," damn that voice!, "it's for Kane's enjoyment, of course! For movies, girls, booze -"

"He's nineteen, not twenty-one, Zackary!"

"Which makes it all the more adorable!"

Cloud grabbed his bags before Zack could carry them all himself - he could be a pack horse if Zack could swipe his shiny credit card - and retorted, "What part of throwing up and getting a hangover is cute again?" He watched Kadaj check his own bags and then stepped in for a closer look. "You actually BOUGHT the girls clothes! WHY!"

Sweetly his brother turned to him and flashed a disarming smile that managed to catch Cloud off-guard every time. "I'm turning gay and crossdresser, Rowe! Aren't your proud of me?"

"You bought them because you look good in them." Cloud couldn't help but deadpan that one.

"Why shouldn't I buy them? Don't you think I look good in them?" There was something deeper in those eyes when he said that, something Cloud wouldn't have caught if he didn't know what Kadaj wanted already.

"He wants you." Yazoo spelled it bluntly for him.

"Was it just that you wanted to stay with me?" Words out of his own mouth and shown clearly on his brother's face.

He shifted his bags almost uncomfortably. "You do look good in them. But we shouldn't be wasting money on things you won't wear." An adequate evasion for such a question. They made their way to the car which, Cloud reflected sadly, was nothing like his Fenrir.

Like so many things, he missed the purr of the engine under his legs, the strength and the sensation of flying he had when he rode it. A fleeting remembrance of Kadaj with him, arms clasped so tightly around his waist as the sparkling ocean rippled just beyond the path, crossed his mind. But that was another life. He was Rowe Christopher now, Cloud-Strife-in-hiding, a fake name but a very real and human person.

His youngest brother's voice broke through his thoughts. Apparently he wasn't ready to let the subject go. "Would you date me if I was a girl in those clothes?"

And that was the million gil question, wasn't it? He stopped in shock, eyebrows pulled together in a frown. Slowly he turned to face his brother, and saw Kadaj had stopped too, face perfectly still, lips not showing anything, but his eyes blazed with forthrightness. He wanted an answer. A real one to a question both of them knew he was actually asking.

He wondered where Kadaj could have had such courage when he was such a wimp. Cloud determinedly hid it under a mask of "practicality" - but he knew sometimes risks needed to be taken, risks he wan't willing to stick his neck and heart out for.

Shaking his head to clear it of all thoughts, he focused on how to respond without hurting his brother in the process.

To stall, he dumped his purchases in the backseat and slid in. To his surprise Kadaj threw his on top of those and sat down beside him. He was sure Zack was watching their little conflict, but he was too busy thinking of a reply to care at the moment. Without a word, the president of SOLDIER Co. revved up the car and began driving home. Cloud thanked his lucky stars that Zack understood.

Finally he said this: "No, I wouldn't date you." He looked over at Kadaj as he said, and was surprised to see the flare of hurt and hopelessness in those eyes before it died down to regret and self-incrimination. The surprise he felt came from the proof that Yazoo was right, and that Kadaj actually felt so deeply about him.

Not now, he tried to say with his eyes, but someday, I'll tell you it wasn't unrequited, Kadaj...

But for now, he ended with, "I wouldn't date you, Kane, because you wouldn't be you."

The hope that sprang into Kadaj's eyes was all at once uplifting and painful to watch.