Chapter 2
The truck rumbled its way down the desert road before turning down into a side streets on the outskirts of town which were happily named things like Broken Dreams Boulevard, Lonely Street and Heartache Avenue before eventually coming to a sharp halt halfway down the high street called appropriately the High Street, presumably all the miserable names had been used up so at this point everybody gets out/off the truck and onto the sidewalk dusting themselves down as they go.
"Thanks ever-so-muchly" says Rimmer, "By the way whilst we have your undivided attention could you please inform me where we might be able to get some supplies from from around here?"
"Rimmer, look you dork"
"You be standing outside my shop right now, Zeke's Hardware, "
And there it was, an old fashioned hardware store similar to the ones you see in old western movies with brooms and metal watering cans hanging on hooks around the doorway, the main display window had a triangular stack of Clarks patented medicine, a garish purple looking liquid that says it will 'cure what ails you' printed on the label and of course Zekes Hardware in gold arched writing across the glass.
Yes sir, finest hardware shop in the district, one day my son Michael will inherit it from me, he works over at the nearby ai.." "Hang about isn't your name Jack?" say The Cat butting in
"I don't think we have to worry about that at the moment" says Kryten taking over the conversation "I have a rather extensive list of items we need but probably the most important of these is a piece of rubber piping of about two inches in diameter by about twelve inches long"
"I saw a bit like that in goalpost heads room"
"What are you doing going into my room?"
"Er, I found out someone was stealing your duvets, I was just putting it back for you"
"What were you doing with a bit of rubber pipe that long?" questions Kochanski marking the size out with her hands "You don't stick it down your…"
"Let's not go there Ma'am"
"Nobody else does!" says Lister quick as a flash whilst making the internationally recognized hand gesture for something really, really small
And with a Lister quip like that Rimmer turns away and accidentally bumps into a young man carrying a guitar coming the other way.
"Oh sorry" Rimmer says without meaning it
After a few seconds he looks and see's that the man was still there
"Yes? What is it?" he snaps
"I'm looking for a hotel" Rimmer um's not listening but from his accent he could tell he wasn't a local.
Slightly frustrated the man asks "I need a place to dwell since my baby left me, can you help me out?"
"How very sad she left you. You've got a guitar why don't you write a smegging song about it, Oh hang on. Excuse me"
"E' what is it?"
"This greased up country yokel with the girly hair is looking for a hotel?"
"I there be one on Lonely Street"
"You heard the man Lonely Street, down there…..go on shoo, vamoose"
"Thank you very much" says the man as he turns to make his way down the road.
"Goit"
"Rimmer man" calls out Lister "Cat, Krissie and Me are going over to that Diner across the road whilst Kryter's is getting the gear, he said he'd be a while, you coming man?"
"Yeah ok"
A brass bell 'dings' as the gang make their way inside the White Sands Diner as it was so named on the sign above the entrance. Along the left hand side of this typical looking American diner is a long counter 'D' shaping its way along with evenly spaced red leather looking stools running up the side, behind this is the kitchen from which an old crackly vaguely recognizable song was playing out of some unseen radio. To the right are a number of high backed table booths also clad in faux-par red leather. As the door 'dings' close, a woman appears from the kitchen, she looks just like Jack.
"Do you think that's Jacks missus?" asks The Cat under his breath, "Unless he run round behind us got through the back door, put on a dress, put on and apron and his up hair in curlers? Or are we just in inbred redneck world?"
"Ssshh," says Kochanski approaching the counter, "Table for four please"
The woman looks them all up and down as if she could be bothered to serve them as as far as they could see there was only one other customer in the diner at that time; sipping coffee about halfway down is a woman in her early thirties who had red bobbed hair and wearing a long rain coat or what Lister would describe as a 'flashers Mac'.
"Liz!" she says in a voice not dissimilar to Jacks, "Customers"
From out of one of the booths a pretty young girl with long dark hair pulled up into a ponytail behind a generic white waitress's hat and uniform says goodbye to her boyfriend who was also in the booth, he makes his way out of the back door and for some reason had curiously just pointed up to the sky. She walks up to them, book with pencil in her left hand and a couple of menus in the other.
"If she's inbred then make me one of those in a sandwich!" says Lister
This remark makes Kochanski elbow him in the ribs.
"Table for four was it?" as she hands over the menus leading them to the nearest empty booth.
The gang make themselves comfortable and start to relax a bit as they peruse the menu, meanwhile the redheaded woman has asked the woman behind the counter who just happens to really be Jacks wife where there is a telephone she could use. Receiving this information, she heads to the back of the Diner where the phone is situated near the toilets and the back door.
"Ready to order?"
"You don't have anything here that hasn't been inhumanely killed, bludgeoned to death have you? Or is it all just roadkill specials is it?" says Kochanski
The waitress smiles politely and gently turns over Kochanski's menu.
"The specials?"
"Ah, Thank you, I'll have the king prawn and side salad"
"King prawn," questions The Cat "I didn't know fish had there own royalty"
Lister pushes The Cat back into his seat and says boldly "Er,Me to"
"You eating something other that curry?" Rimmer said with an air of uncertainty. "Are you I'll?"
"I just thought I'd try something new ok? And I thought it be quicker if we all ordered the same thing, besides there's no Chicken Tikka on here".
"Isn't that an Abba song?" questions Kochanski
"No that's Chiquitta. Alright, alright ,alright, alright, if it makes you happy. I'll have the same". Rimmer says with a sickly smile to the waitress whose face turns like it was just made to taste something sour.
"And for you Sir" she says addressing The Cat
"HE'LL HAVE THE FISH" they all say simultaneously
The waitress writes down the order and goes towards the counter, then in a high shrill voice unbecoming of someone her age and beauty she calls out "Martha! Order!'
"Well Gentlemen and Ladies, yes I'm also referring to you to Listy when I say that, this is a turn up for the books, one of our many excursions away from the ship actually turning out quite well. Krytens off getting the supplies, we're about to have a slap up meal and run out on the bill, well I haven't got any money have you? And I'm sure that hot looking waitress is giving me those 'come round behind the dumpster and give me it big boy eyes'. I confidently predict that this will be our easiest mission ever".
And at that moment on the 'E' of ever there's an almighty crash. From the back door and from the front (breaking off the brass bell), at least twenty members of the armed forces smash there way into the Diner, guns raised and locked into firing position onto a booth, a booth that contained a Mr Lister, a Mr Rimmer, a Miss Kochanski and a Mr Cat.
"Oh smeg"
"Step out of the booth slowly!" bellows a voice "Hands where we can see them"
The gang edge there way out.
"Stay there!"
Soldiers then rapidly close in on the Star Bug crew and force them to march at gunpoint out of the main door.
Meanwhile prior to all the excitement over the road, Kryten is slowly making his way out of Zeke's hardware. Over one shoulder is an overly large green rucksack with a strange concoction on items sticking out of the top. A large green truck pulls up across the road. Wrapped around the other shoulder is a thick heavy rope, its seemingly caught on something in the shop as its presently sticking horizontally out of the doorway. Kryten twists and turns as he pulls the heavy rope first leaning forward with the rope over his shoulder and then 'tug of war' position muttering to himself as he pulls. Slowly the rope emerges from out of the shop doorway. On the end of it is a very stubborn and over laden with saddle bags (and the like) baying mule.
"Oh come on Concorde (as that was the mules name) will you!"
"EE'ORR!"
"Hey you with the ass!"
"Thanks" says The Cat as he emerges under guard from across the road before being bundled into the truck along with the rest of the crew.
Kryten looks up. There across the road are several well armed army men and a red-haired woman brandishing a pistol, all their guns are pointed at him. He try's running round and ducking around behind the mule but seemingly for the first time at bays loudly and trots off at pace leaving him with his hands over his head completely unprotected. The red-haired woman flicks her gun in the direction of some soldiers who break off and come over and man handle Kryten over to the back of the green truck and 'influence' him into the rear where inside he's forced to sit down next to the other prisoners.