Chapter 3

The entire crew of the JMC transport vehicle Star Bug had lost track of time. It had been several hours since their arrest by members of the army, since that time, they had been sitting on the single bunk bed inside a brick and iron barred prison cell. Outside the door, guards had been posted who occasionally paced up and down in front looking in at there captors. Boredom had set in so plans for escape had now arrived on the agenda after all the finger pointing had petered out as soon as everyone had realized that they were 'just unlucky'.

"So have any of you guys had any ideas of a possible escape plan?" says Kochanski finally raising the question.

"I'll handle this!" says Rimmer standing up confidently pulling his jacket straight as he marches over to the bars.

He calls over one of the guards and whispers something into his ear, then moments later with an "Urgh!" Rimmer struggles back keeled over holding his stomach after being the recipient of a rifle butt shot to the gut.

"That's not going to work" he utters struggling for breath.

Kryten addresses the group. "I've been postulating an answer to our current situation; I have come up with two possible solutions. One, that Miss Kochanski has better luck with the guards than Mr Rimmer by seducing one of them getting said guard so enticed by her inny and outy bits that he will not notice her stealing the cell keys, so when the guards change posts, we sneak out and find our way back home"

"That's your plan?" questions Kochanski "Sorry but I'm not trying that!"

"Why not?" asks The Cat.

"Because it's demeaning, I'm not the sort of girl who goes around flirting with the first man in uniform I meet, if anything it's always the other way round"

"Oh yeah?" asks Lister taking an interest.

"Well like when er, my ex boyfriend Tim..."

"Oh here we go again" Lister grumbles

"Well if you DON'T want to hear"

"Ok, ok I'm sorry please continue talking about 'your ex boyfriend Tim' (putting on a voice), I'm sooo interested"

"Humph, So when 'Tim' was first chatting me up he used to say he would like say how pretty my hair was or buy me chocolates, but the one thing that really stands out in my mind is when he said he would take me on a trip around Uranus, which was funny as a Chef he didn't have a pilots license and there's no rings around, Why are you all giggling?"

"Don't you realize what you just said?" says The Cat "Even I know that one!"

"What one?"

"Miss Kochanski it's…" But Kryten cannot finish his sentence before standing up and hiding his face in the corner so he could hide the biggest smile that had ever come across his face.

"Oh come on guys," she says getting a little frustrated.

"You really don't know do you?" Rimmer smirks

"It's the classic line, it's the one what all and I mean ALL the men on board Red Dwarf knew as the line you said to girls when you wanted to have sex with them" Lister informs behind a grin

"No? Really? You mean"

"Yep first of all you're saying the name of the planet all wrong, and secondly…"

"No don't tell me I Don't want to know"

"But he's getting to the best part!" exclaims The Cat "It's all about…"

"NO!" say the rest of the male crew together (well it IS quite rude!)

"Look" says Rimmer a whisper "New guard".

The new guard looks in at the prisoners, he looks very familiar.

"Do you think that's Michael, Jack's son" asks Rimmer

"Nah that's a spotty adolescent in an army uniform, that's never Michael Jackson" reply's Lister

"He was some fella with a plastic bonce, he would never survive in the heat of that desert, first time he went out in it it would melt off and be endlessly scooping bits of face up out of the sand"

"No Michael, JACK'S son, not Michael Jackson you gimp, you know the yokel who gave us a lift into town"

"Oh yeah," realizes The Cat "Do you think if we mention his father to him he would help us?"

The guard who really is Michael, Jack's son, see's the group staring at them immediately turns his rifle towards them pointing it through the bars.

"Stay There!" he shouts

Another guard appears from around a nearby corner and approaches the cell door, inserts a key from a large bunch hanging from his waist and pushes the door open.

"Get up! Captain Twinning wants to talk to you" Gesturing with his gun, the gang stands up and follow the guards to meet with Captain Twinning.