DISCLIMER: i asked Santa for it, but i see it kind of difficult, so until a miracle happens then I still don't own any of it.
Hey, here it is your Christmas present from me, let's see what you think but id like to thank ifa and thank her for making me write this and "Don't get stuck with these romantic not-realy-sure-where-we-stand scenes" like she said it, it was a really good review thanks.
anyways using the Christmas spirit as an excuse, I'd like to thank everyone who takes time to read my stories, and for those who are so kind to leave a review even more, especially those who add feedback to it, because it means you analyzed it, so thanks, on the risk of sounding cocky id like to say that from a few chapters behind till this point I'm starting to feel I've grown as a writer if i can even call myself one because its one thing to write and other thing to be a writer but i do truly feel I've improved, at least in the way i express my thoughts, i feel like i am now capable of portraying what i want, so thanks for bearing with me and USING THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT AS AN EXCUSE AGAIN PLEASE BE SO KIND TO LEAVE A REVIEW I REALLY WANNA NOW WHAT YOU THINK, I THINK YOULL BE SURPRIESED WITH THIS CHAPTER, I DON'T THINK YOU SAW IT COMING.
"What the hell am i doing?" summer said as she walked through the door into Marissa's bedroom
"sure come in" she said as she closed the door
"Why have you let me do all of this"
"Summer what are you talking about?"
"agh I'm just so mad at myself right know"
"Hey calm down okay, what happened" she said walking over to her and both taking a seat on Marissa's bed
"Nothing happened, well yes, it's just that why am I doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Why am I letting myself pretend that I am not gonna end up hurt"
"Oh so this is about Seth"
"Yes of course it's about Seth, what else could it be"
"I don't know its just that you show up at my house out of the blue and you're upset and I don't know,… what did he do" Marissa said
"Nothing, he did nothing but I started to think, something I have clearly not being doing in a while and, what the hell am I doing" she said looking at Marissa s confused truly believing she had the answer.
Before Marissa could answer she started speaking again
"what the hell awe we doing?, like we don't know how this is going to end, because its going to, that's the saddest part its going to end even before it starts"
"Whoa slow down, what are you talking about"
"this is too much for me, at the beginning it was nice, it was fun, so I told myself that's it you just wanna have fun and so does he, so you happen to have fun together, but it has gotten out control, he acts like my boyfriend, but he's not and I'm not even sure I want him to be!"
"Summer did Seth said something or did something?"
"no no, this has nothing to do with him, this is about me"
"So you just freaked out of nothing?"
"I'm not freaking out, I am just facing this situation I got myself into and I am trying to get out before it's too late"
"what situation, god summer what the hell is going on" Marissa was getting annoyed, what the hell was happening , she shows up out of nowhere and gets all freaked out, yesterday she was fine, they were fine, the four of them went to the movies and they were together and happy and having fun and acting like a couple in front of everyone, it had been so long with they doing this that she thought they were, they were always together, they kept fighting but not really fighting, they would hold hands and hug, she had never seen them kiss but that was beyond the point, they never talked about it, summer never mentioned anything about them not being a couple.
"You don't get it do you" summer said feeling anger and frustration with every word
"No I don't, I don't get why are you so upset if yesterday you seemed fine, more than fine"
"That's the problem; I was getting way to comfortable with an uncomfortable situation"
"Uncomfortable situation, what the hell is that suppose to mean"
"Oh come on, you know Seth, he's your cousin, you know how he is, this is just a game for him and so it is for me, or it was I don't know" summer said the last part much more calm and looked away like thinking
"So that's It you're scared because you have feelings for him" Marissa dropped the tone as well, But summer wouldn't look at her
"Or are you scare that he doesn't?" this time she looked back
"I don't have feelings for him" Marissa smiled unconsciously, its just that she couldn't believe it "no Marissa, I know you don't believe me but I don't have feelings for him, look this happened a few years ago too, you were convinced I liked him and I didn't, I still don't like him, look its complicated"
"Well then explain it" Marissa said and it sounded like she truly wanted to understand
"For me to like a guy means much more than just be attracted to him, it means that I like him as a person not just as a boy, it means that I can easily see myself with him, and that even though I still don't have feelings for him, there's potential for me to develop feelings"
"Ok, but what does that have to be with you all freaked out, do you like Seth?"
"Well based on that definition I just gave you, no I don't, but I do am very attracted to him"
"Then what's the problem?"
"the problem is that I know myself and I don't like to be on situation where I don't know what's going on, I know I cant always know it but I like to at least know where I stand, that way I'll know how to behave"
"Ok so then the problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude towards the problem?" Marissa said a little unsure urging summer to go on; god sometimes she was soo slow.
"kind of , that's why this thing with Seth its driving me crazy, I've spend all day thinking and I cant figure it out, look I'm not saying I love him but if we keep this going on I could start to like him and perhaps fall for him and I know I cant because I know him and I know he's just messing around with me, but then there are this moments when I feel like hi is being honest, and I am so confused right know because I have no idea how he feels and I am not sure about me, but its just that being with him feels so right to be wrong"
"So what are you saying, you wanna end things but you don't?"
"That's the thing I don't know, this cant keep going on like this and I don't know if I want a relationship, or if he does for that matter, if I could just know if he acts the way he does towards me because of me or just because I am a girl"
"Summer come one, he cares about you"
" I don't know Marissa, sometimes I feel he does but I know him, and so do you, you know what he is like, you know he loves to flirt and go out and use girls and I knew that I still do that's why when I got into this without even planning it, because it just happened and it felt nice and I told myself not to take it seriously and just have fun and enjoy it while it last, I didn't like him I just was really attracted to him, but know, its different we act like a couple but we aren't and I don't think I want us to be, but if I knew his intentions I wouldn't be this confused, if he wanted more i would realize if I do too or if I don't and if he just wanted to have fun, we could perhaps keep doing this but it would be under my own risk, knowing what I'm getting myself into, but I don't, and that's the problem"
"I don't know what to say, I think he has changed, I think he does cares about you, but I think you're being smart and you're doing what I should have done, and is if this is as similar as my story with Ryan I think you are doing the right thing, look at me I am 18 years old, I have a boyfriend and without actually cheating I cheat on him with my 17 year old ex who I happen to still be in love with."
"You went through this with Ryan?"
"Yes, after we broke up and I refused to take him back we felled into this sort of friendship with benefits, where we were basically like you and Seth, we acted like a couple, everyone saw as one but the truth is we weren't, and I know it sounds stupid and it feels even more so, and people wonders, why don't they go out for real? They already act like a couple, might as well make it official, but it doesn't work like that, like till this point people asks me why am I with Luke and not with Ryan if I interact more like a girlfriend with Ryan than with Luke, but I just I cant, I love him and I want to be with him, but I cant, we already tried but even if we love each other its not gonna work, he's never gonna change and even if I am too weak to resist being around him or I cant help but to hug him or hold his hand because I know I want it so much, I cant get into a relationship with him because I know sooner or later its not gonna work out and I'm not sure I cant go through that again and even if I could I don't think out relationship cans, that means he could disappear from my life forever and I don't want that, so as ironic as it sounds I'm not with him so I can be with him"
"Wow, I figured you would never date him again, I could tell you loved him but still you couldn't be with him but I never thought it was this bad"
"And the worst part is at the beginning it was sort of like you, I didn't wanted to date him, but he kept insisting and somehow we forced it and I fell in love with him"
" you know I've always thought that you can fall in love thousands of times, but also in thousands of ways and deeps, but there's only one time in your life you fall in love at your deepest, in everyway and the most you can love, its like the climax of all you can feel"
Marissa just nodded signalling she felt the same way and summer kept going
"So, is Ryan the one you think you love like that, perhaps if we pretend to believe in fairy tales if he's the one you are suppose to be with you will be with him"
"I do think he's the one I feel like that about, but I don't think he feels like that about me, I know he loves me but not as much as he can love and I know I'm no suppose to be with him, and I don't say this in a fairy tale way, it just doesn't feel right, its so confusing because It does feel right when I am with him, when he is holding my hand or hugging me but once the romantic moment goes away, once I'm not around him, once I can think with my head and not blind myself with a warm feeling, I know its not right, I know I cant do it and I know I shouldn't do it, but I am too weak to stop it"
"So that's what happens when you fall in love at you deepest with the wrong person?"
"Exactly, that's why I think that if it doesn't feel like it should you shouldn't force it""But what if there isn't a way it should be, love is not suppose to be easy" summer said trying to easy Marissa's pain because she could see how much she felt.
"No, that means that a relationship its not suppose to be easy, because it needs more than love but to love someone shouldn't require effort, it should happen without you even noticing it"
"So you think I'm doing the right thing by wanting to end it?"
"I think that with all we just talked you'll find the answer you are looking for by being with him, you have to feel and based on that decide if its worth feeling"
"But I don't even know the question how I am I suppose to find the answer" summer said frustrated and leaning back on Marissa's bed
Marissa lay down as well
"well then you should just be with him and find out both and talk to him once you know, look just have all we talked in mind but also remember that there's a big possibility that all this crap is wrong, you'll find out one way or another what you should do, just make sure you know what you are doing and that you really want it"
"Why does it have to be so complicated" summer asked tired
"Because otherwise it would be boring"
"I just don't wanna get hurt" summer said looking at Marissa
"No one does"
And at sad as it sounds the truth is everyone's going to hurt you sooner or later, you just have to decide who's worth the pain, that's all you can do, life is sad, you are bound to cry so that you can smile from time to time, you have to know the bad to be able to appreciate the good.
After spending almost all afternoon with Marissa, the both made their way next door to Seth's house and when they got there, he and Ryan were swimming in Seth's pool.
"Hey ladies I didn't know you were coming" said Seth from the pool
"We weren't but we were bored and we had no choice" Marissa said smirking
"Oh so good to know we are your last resort" now it was Ryan's turn to speak and since they new the routine so well they were expecting summer to take over and say something, but she didn't instead she was standing there awkwardly looking anywhere but their faces.
ryan sensed this and spoke,
"mm why don't you join us" he said looking at Marissa
"Oh well we didn't brought our suits" she then turned to look at summer but she showed no emotion at all
"Well that can easily be fixed, you do live next door and I'm sure there is one that belongs to summer in my room"
seth said and Summer still didn't get involved in the conversation
"Ok, I'll be right back" and with that Marissa disappeared to her house, Seth turned to Ryan before walking out of the pool
"We'll be right back"
He took summer up to his room to look for her bating suit.
"ah here it is, I knew I had one" he handed it to her and she took it effortlessly, he then took a seat in his bed next to her
"What's wrong summer" he said taking one of her hands
"Nothing, why would think something's wrong" she smiled but it was fake
"Well you've been acting weird since you arrived here and yesterday you seemed fine, more than fine" he said showing her his dimples
"Well it was a fun day" she smirked but now she really meant it, he put his arm around her shoulders and brought her close so that the side of her face was resting against his chest.
"That it was" he said showing his own smirked even though she couldn't see, still she knew he was smiling.
They stayed like that for a few seconds more just enjoying the silence
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine don't worry about it" she still had her head in his chest
"Ok" he said and kissed her forehead before standing up
"I'm gonna leave so you can change, I'll wait you at the pool" she nodded and he left
She sat there in his bed thinking and boy it wasn't good, somehow she felt disappointed, something was missing.
Sometimes when I say "Oh, I'm fine" I want someone to look me in the eyes and say "tell me truth"
Marissa came back and found only Ryan at the pool
"They ditched you" she said dropping her stuff in a chair and sitting at the edge of the pool with her legs in the water
"It looks that way" he said swimming to where she was
"I think they went to get summers baiting suit" Marissa said splashing him with water on the face
"You think" he said before pulling at her legs causing her to fall in the pool, she came out and tried to slap him but he grabbed her hand before it could cause any damage.
"you're an ass"
"You think" he repeated his earlier statement, she was going to use her other hand to accomplish her desire of smacking him but he grabbed that hand as well
"You were getting in anyway I just did you a favour" Marissa rolled her eyes
"Well next time don't be so kind and don't do me any favours"
"I will keep that in mind next time you need something"
"Yeah you go ahead and do that" she was trying to make him let go of her hands
"Wait, what did Seth do?"
"Huh?"
"Well summer seems" he paused to think of a word to describe it "not like herself"
"You think" now she used his words making fun of him
"I'm serious"
"Well I don't know, see there comes Seth why don't you ask him" she swam away as she pointed towards Seth, who had just made it to the pool
"Hey man where's summer"
Seth got in the pool
"ah she's upstairs changing"
"Is everything okay between you two?"
"Yeah everything's good why?" he said frowning
"I don't know she seemed weird, I thought maybe you had gotten into a fight or something"
Seth looked at Marissa and found her distracted or so she seemed but actually she was just trying to look that way while she listened carefully to their conversation, but he didn't know that so he spoke a little lower but still she could hear it clearly.
"no everything's ok, more than ok its actually great, last night she wouldn't stop laughing, and yeah she was very quiet when she arrived but I asked her if something was wrong and she told me that she was fine and not to worry about it" he finished feeling satisfied with her answer and shrugged
Marissa shook her head; sometimes people could be so distracted when the wanted to be
"Are sure she's okay, she didn't looked ok to me?" ryan wasn't so convinced, he knew that when something didn't look good and you asked and they said "its okay" it never was.
"Yeah she's fine" apparently Seth didn't know that.
Sooo? How was it?