Author's Note: I'm sorry for not replying individually to everyone who reviewed for the last chapter like I have been doing. When I got online to do it last night, this site was acting screwy so I was unable to do the reviewer responses. And then tonight I figured you'd rather have me update than to have me yabber. So, here's the next chapter.
Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. I appreciate them all more than you can imagine. Thank you to: Royal blueKitsune, nebulia, Threedaysunrise, whoknoez, unknown beedee, MikaylaMae, Ravyn, ixchen, animeLCgrl, crazy fanfic lover, Youkoforever, I Heart Edward Cullen, Jasmine blossom625, Lendra-chan, flaming-amber, Reignashii, Super Sheba, skenshingumi, sulou, Crimson Rayne, ShadeSpirit, SilverNimbus, and Anonymous but very interested.
This chapter starts off quite differently than the others. I gave you a clue toward the end of the last chapter on what I would be doing, but it really was kind of an abstract hint. To refresh memories, I'm putting in an excerpt. Hope everyone enjoys!
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin.
excerpt from Chapter 4:
"And, Miss Kaoru," he began, "I promise to write to you about my thoughts on a suitable landscape for your art."
"I hope you have good suggestions," she replied as they walked down the hall.
"I'll do the best I can."
Kaoru laughed softly and placed her free hand on the arm he was currently leading her with. "I'm glad you were here."
He didn't respond immediately, and Kaoru turned her head to look at his familiar features. He stopped in the doorway of the sitting room where the gaggle of women were gossiping about one thing or the other, and with a slight bow of his head, Kenshin replied, "I'm equally glad."
A Soft Hope
Chapter 5
"Correspondence"
Dear Miss Kaoru,
I find that no matter how hard I think about where an ideal place for you to paint would be, the answer remains elusive. Any location that I think of is always too far away for you to spend a few hours a day there. Do you think your hosts will know of a place on the grounds of the estate that is suitable?
Yrs,
Kenshin
-----------------------
Dear Lord Himura (Kenshin),
I have already interrogated my hosts quite thoroughly unfortunately. They originally recommended the pond, which I have already painted. I've considered taking Alistair for a ride to explore the land, but the time I claim as my own seems intangible these days. I fear I won't be able to paint for a while…
Yours,
Kaoru
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Dear Miss Kaoru,
Of course you shall paint. Don't despair about lack of time. I'm sure it will present itself when you're ready.
What do you find you look for when trying to find a place to paint? Scenery? Beauty? Wildlife? To continue my search in more depth, I would like to know what makes a subject attractive to you.
Yrs,
Kenshin
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Dear Lord Himura (Kenshin),
What a hard question. I've been sitting here at my desk pondering it for the last hour, and yet I still don't have a clear response. Unusual, indeed. I will try to answer to the best of my ability, though I apologize ahead of time if it becomes obtuse.
I look for…a place that…that…well it must contain a soul of its own. Does that makes any sense at all? I want a place that speaks to me when I'm there, and exudes a singular aura that proclaims rarity. It can ugly, beautiful, or ordinary, but when I find the perfect place, my skin prickles and my heart races, and I innately know that this is where I want to be.
I suppose I'm being a little too picky.
Yours,
Kaoru
-----------------------
Dear Miss Kaoru,
It could prove to be a little difficult to find a place that you shiver at when you're not with me. I can only observe with my eyes, not the rest of my being, like you apparently can do so effortlessly. The only place on earth that makes me feel as you described so eloquently in your last letter is the sea.
Yrs,
Kenshin
P.S.
Don't feel you have to call me Lord Himura. It makes me feel stodgy(as I've already informed you).
-----------------------
Dear Kenshin (as you requested),
The sea? I have never been able to really admire the sea at length. I can only claim weak glimpses. Is it beautiful? I've heard many accounts, though I'm sure they could never muster up to the real thing.
Yours,
Kaoru
P.S. There is no need to add the surname 'Miss'. Though if you must because of decorum, I shall understand.
------------------------
Dear Miss Kaoru,
I spent most of life on the sea, and I consider it my childhood home. It is many things: beautiful, joyous, melancholy, angry, vengeful… I consider it an old friend that I've been through many trials with. Do you realize we are but a half hour's ride from it?
Yours truly,
Kenshin
------------------------
Dear Kenshin,
Truly? It is that close, and I wasn't even aware? How odd. My hosts never mentioned. I'm very curious now. It is almost a shame that I'm so near it, yet will not have the chance to visit. I assume my hosts never talk about it, because they have no intention of going. I wish I were able to see why you find the sea so dear.
Yours,
Kaoru
-------------------------
Dear Miss Kaoru,
If your hosts do not plan on taking you to visit the ocean's shore, I would like to take it upon myself to escort you there. You might find that it is exactly the place you wish to paint. If I was able to paint with your superb talent (which I obviously cannot), it is a place I would wish to render onto a canvas.
I await your response,
Kenshin
-------------------------
Dear Kenshin,
If only I were able to get away. I would hate to allot only a few hours to explore such a destination. I'm afraid I would have to bring along the daughter of my hosts, who is also my best friend, because there is no way I could run off and not have her close on my heels for such an occasion. (I know this from many years of experience.) And I would hate to hurt her feelings by refusing her company. But, if that were the only to go, I would rather do that than stay here at the estate and twiddle my thumbs until I go mad with boredom. (Misao can only provide so much diversion and it's ridiculous how anxious I am to receive your letters. I feel as if I'm four years old again, waiting with bated breath for any correspondence.)
Thank you for the kind offer,
Kaoru
-----------------------
Dear Miss Kaoru,
I believe I have a solution for our predicament. I hope this evening is free, because I will be waiting outside the servants' entrance for you at exactly 9:30 tonight, so that I can take you to the sea. I will bring two mounts so you don't have to worry about saddling Alistair in the darkness. Unfortunately, the night will hide much of the sea, but this way you will able to enjoy time spent there without intruders. If you do not meet me by 10:00, I will understand you were not able to come.
Till then,
Kenshin
Kaoru was convinced she had completely and utterly lost her mind.
She was stark raving mad. Yes, that had to be it. What sensible female would even consider running off into the night with a man she had only known for a measly month?
'But it has been a full, eventful month,' she reasoned to herself with a heavy sigh. And wasn't as if Kenshin was of the suspicious sort. In fact, he seemed perfectly and predictably harmless.
Slumping in a very unladylike manner onto the cushy armchair in her bedroom, Kaoru raised her gaze to the white ceiling.
Was she really trying to talk herself out of it? Ingrain some commonsense back into her muddled mind? It wasn't as if she hadn't already pleaded a headache and retired to her room so that she was immune from attending the planned festivities of the night. Kaoru had taken the first step, now she needed to follow through with the plan Kenshin had laid before her so abruptly.
Unfolding his letter that she held in her hand, Kaoru read the words over for the twentieth time and worried her lip in thought. She wanted to see the ocean. She truly did. And the possibly of being there alone with Kenshin had her stomach clenching in anticipatory knots.
"Oh, quit being such a ninny," she muttered to herself with an indignant huff. It wasn't as if she hadn't spent countless mornings alone with him at the small pond not far from here. Why on earth was she so nervous all of a sudden at the prospect of seeing him?
Was it because she was slowly becoming more acquainted with the mysterious earl? With each moment she spent in his presence, she found she liked him even more. He was turning out to be a wonderful friend, a dependable companion, and…and…well, she didn't know. And maybe that was what made her slightly uneasy.
But - Kaoru realized she didn't think of her apprehension as an internal warning, telling her to be suspicious. Instead, Kaoru saw it as merely an uncomfortable emotion that was just plain irritating…and quite unwanted.
And the way to get rid of it?
'Why face the root of the problem!' she convinced herself with a terse nod.
And so she did.
Roughly forty minutes later, Kaoru found herself dismounting from the bay gelding Kenshin had brought along for her sole use. A few yards in front of her, he dismounted from Lady, and led his horse over to a small thatch of sand plants where he tethered her loosely, and motioned for Kaoru to do the same with her horse. She did, and then moved to stand next to him, turning her gaze inquiringly to his. With a slight inclination of his head, Kenshin stepped forward and moved down the dark expanse of sand leading to the soothing crash of the water. Kaoru slipped off her shoes and followed, her eyes slowly taking in what was visible to her.
She had never been in a place that could literally steal her breath, and make her pause in her steps, but she found herself doing just that as her bare feet sunk into the moist sand. What a delicious sensation.
The dark provided a heavy blanket of blackness, which molded seamlessly to the melodious movements of the rolling waves. It made it difficult to really explore the depth of the ocean, and get an accurate image of the scope of the water's apparent extensiveness, but Kaoru was quite dazzled by the mysteriousness of it all. Her eyes remained content to brush shallowly over the slight sweep of water which came within inches of her toes, then miraculously slid back.
The air was intoxicating with its exotic, salty scent. Kaoru breathed in deeply, closing her eyes in the process as she felt her body relax fully into the embrace of the ocean's captivating presence.
"Do you like it?" Kenshin asked softly, his voice coming from her right.
She kept her eyes closed, though a content smile slipped slowly over her lips. "Oh, yes. It's nothing quite like I expected."
Kaoru heard him shuffle slightly. Opening her eyes and gazing at his form curiously, she watched as he looked out toward the water. His silence was almost solemn, and Kaoru found herself wanting to break his now sober and contemplative mood. Huffing a little as she tried to gain his attention, Kaoru bit her lip in attempt to a hide a mischievous grin, and with a slight shrug, she leaned backwards, falling inelegantly onto the sand below.
Kenshin's first reaction was one of concern as he quickly dropped to his knees beside her to determine if she had sustained any injuries from her abrupt fall. Instead of being racked with pain, he found her breathless and amused, her eyes twinkling with revealed mirth as she turned onto her side to bury her head in her hands to hide her laughter. Kenshin sat back on his heels with a slightly stupefied expression crossing his features, but as he watched her overcome with obvious enjoyment, he felt a small crack of a smile curl the corner of his mouth.
"You nearly gave me heart fluctuations."
Kaoru sputtered loudly. "Heart fluctuations?" she exclaimed mirthfully. She sat up suddenly with a large grin plastered on her face. "You sound like a girl!"
"I do not!" he retorted indignantly.
"A stuffy little girl," she continued, poking him playfully in the shoulder. "I would have expected more from a hardened seafaring man," Kaoru joked, quirking an eyebrow.
Kenshin's eyes narrowed and he grunted. "That, my dear, was below the belt."
Her eyes widened comically. "Oh, well, I apologize. I wouldn't want to have an indolent female angry with me."
"You've gone too far, now. Apologize or there will be repercussions."
"Repercussions?" Kaoru questioned thoughtfully as she tapped a finger against her chin. "You aren't going to take my hair ribbon are you, because I don't think it suits you very well? Pink always clashes a little with red, you know."
Kenshin choked on a sudden burst of offended laughter before grabbing for her arm, which she tactfully pulled away from his grasp. Scooting away from him in the sand, she gasped softly as she heard him follow.
"Now, now," Kaoru mumbled in attempt to mollify the affronted redhead as he neared her. "You wouldn't harm a lady, would you?"
"No," he replied as his face came within inches of hers. She could smell the rich earthy scent of his aftershave, while the piercing clarity of his amethyst gaze caused her breath to lodge in her throat. His sudden proximity made her mind go annoyingly blank as she blinked helplessly at him. A wicked smile curved his mouth - one she had never seen grace his lips before. Her heart thudded in her chest. "But, I don't see any ladies on this beach," he murmured.
Kaoru gasped with outrage, but all thoughts of displeasure fled when Kenshin swiftly wrapped his arms around her waist and hefted her quickly up as he stood. Slipping one arm underneath her knees, he kept the other underneath her back for support.
"Wha-what exactly are you doing?"
His steps began taking them closer and closer to the lapping water. She dug her fingers into the cotton his shirt as his feet splashed through the water taking them further into the rolling waves.
"Kenshin!"
"I must protect my reputation of a hardened seafaring man," he remarked.
"But, I just made that up. I don't know anything about your captaining years. You haven't told me anything." Kaoru angled her head up to glance at his features.
"It makes me all the more mysterious," he responded. Kaoru poked him forcefully in the chest causing him to noticeably wince. Kenshin suddenly stopped his movements and sighed, his mouth pursing a little in thought. The water reached up to his mid-thigh, soaking his pants. "Fancy a swim?"
"You wouldn't!"
"Oh, I know," he grinned.
"Please don't dro - What?"
She glared at him. He raised an eyebrow innocently in response.
"Put me down!"
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure, you horrible man. I ought to pull all of your hair out, strand by strand…"
"We'd be here all night," he cut in solemnly.
"…and then I should shave off your eyebrows…"
He chuckled.
"…then I just might…I might…," she paused and glared up at him. "Are you going to put me down?" she questioned again.
"Now?"
At the burst of annoyed breath she expelled, Kenshin nodded slowly, and muttered, "Alright."
Unfortunately, Kaoru had forgotten he stood thigh-deep in the ocean water and when her bare feet slipped into the water, she let out a startled gasp. Her arms whipped up and wrapped tightly around his neck as she suddenly shrieked, "Don't put me down!" But by the time she managed to get the words out, she was standing in the water and her pants were soaked.
"My apologies," he whispered, his mouth so close to her ear she could feel the heat from his breath.
Belatedly she realized that she was still clinging to his neck, her upper body molded tightly against his. Her first reaction was to loosen her grasp and move slightly away from him, but before she did that, she couldn't help but retort, "You did that on purpose."
"No," he admitted softly. "I fully intended to take you back to the shore completely dry. It was your insistence, which made me put you down. But seriously, Kaoru, why go to ocean if you don't plan on getting a little wet," he mused with smile.
"Oh, is that what you think?" she questioned.
"Yes?" he answered hesitantly, suddenly suspicious.
"Then you won't regret me doing this," Kaoru replied with a smug smile as she pressed her palms against his chest and shoved. His eyes noticeably widened and he let out a bark of laughter as he tumbled backwards and into the water. Kenshin was able to reach behind him and catch himself before his head went completely under, but now he was truly and completely soaked.
"Touché," Kenshin sighed, as he slowly stood, eyeing his clothes with slight dejection as they clung to his body. When he glanced up Kaoru, he noticed her shoulders shaking. After a few seconds, he heard the small whispers of her poorly contained laughter as she wrapped her arms around her waist in attempt to quiet herself.
"Funny, eh?" Kenshin questioned, watching as her bright eyes collided with his. And suddenly, she couldn't contain her amusement, and it burst forth as if the dam broke. Her mirth was loud and almost infectious as Kenshin had press his lips firmly together to keep from smiling at her obvious glee. She took his stern-faced expression as irritation and patted him reassuringly on the shoulder.
"Don't be such a girl."
"You - are - incorrigible," he intoned, crossing his arms over his chest.
Sighing happily, Kaoru shrugged and cocked her head to the side. "It makes me endearing," she teased.
"That it does," he muttered under his breath, too low for her to hear. Kenshin watched as she tilted her head upwards toward the night sky, and froze, her mouth parting with obvious awe.
"I've never seen it so clear. The stars are stunning," she uttered, compelling Kenshin to follow her gaze.
She was right. The night sky never seemed as clear, as unhindered, as open as it did when viewed from the sea's waters. An anomalous serenity seemed to cling to the stars, brightening their shine, deepening the blackness, and dusting the sky with added brilliance.
"Don't sailors use the stars for guidance?"
Humming softly in accord, Kenshin replied, "I like to think of them as heaven's map. Always dependable. Always available. Always accurate. Except of course when covered by the clouds…those are bleak times indeed, especially when one is without a compass."
"How…how long were you a sailor?" Kaoru asked hesitantly, moving her eyes from the night sky to him.
"Most of my life," he answered quietly. Sighing, he said, "I haven't captained a ship in seven years. But, let's not speak of such boring things."
It had been stupid of her to ask him a question he clearly did not want to talk about. Sometimes she just couldn't help herself, and often blurted out sentences before she even realized what she was doing. Before Kenshin could completely close himself off to her emotionally, Kaoru reached out and grabbed his forearm, wrapped her fingers around his cool skin.
He was slightly startled by her abrupt movement and before he realized it, was following her unquestionably as she led him out of the water and onto the sand of the shore. Silently, she settled down, crossing her legs and peering up at him keenly.
"The sand is going to stick to your clothes," he warned.
Kaoru shrugged. "Too late now."
With a sigh, Kenshin nodded, then sat down beside her. Leaning back, he crossed his arms behind his head and used them as a convenient cushion. The two remained that way for some time, lost in the darkness, in the harmonious slip of water against sand, in the comfortable silence that infolded them as they rested under a stunning spread of luminous stars.
Kaoru reached down and dug her fingers into the cool sand, delighting in the feel of the fine grains against her skin. Sitting there beneath the endless sky and next to the calming presence of a man she had come to know in such a short time, Kaoru exhaled deeply as she thought back on the months, days, and minutes that had led to this moment in time, and in a way it was humbling. It felt odd take part in such peace after a time of such turmoil had dominated her life. When she had agreed to journey to the country for a short time, she honestly hadn't thought it would help to even slightly dull her ever-present pain.
"Are you all right? You seem so melancholy all of a sudden."
Mildly surprised, Kaoru turned to Kenshin and stared at his shadowed face for moment before answering. "I'm just remembering."
She could tell he didn't want to pry, but it was almost out of politeness that he continued. "Sad memories?"
A small, sorrowful smile curved Kaoru lips. "A little of both, I guess." A heavy press of silence fell and Kaoru hesitated. She hadn't spoken to anyone about her parents except with Misao, because it was so unbelievably hard to articulate about them and not feel as if an oppressive shroud was suffocating her.
But, as she looked intently into Kenshin's penetrating stare, she noticed something that set her completely at ease…understanding. How, she didn't know. But it was there nonetheless. He seemed to understand the difficulty about thinking of expressing whatever made her hold her tongue - he understood the sadness swimming in her eyes.
And it was with a calm and steady voice that she said, "My parents died almost a year ago, and…I've had a very hard time coming to terms with their passing." Sitting forward and turning her gaze toward the water, Kaoru bent her legs and brought her knees against her chest. "I came to Kent to help…alleviate that pressing pain."
"I'm sorry," she heard him murmur softly. There was a slight rustling, and then he was sitting upright beside her.
"I am, too," she whispered. "It's difficult being alone in the world."
"Has the countryside been helpful to you?"
A half-smile curved her lips. "I've painted the majority of my life. It has always been an eternal constant for me, a passionate fixation in my mind. When I wasn't painting, I thinking of painting. When I was without paints, I'd paint in my mind. I'd never been without motivation or ideas, or the encompassing draw that constantly pulled me to my art. It was inescapable. My painting was my life.
"And when they died, I - I just - I completely lost the desire to even pick up a paintbrush. I learned of their death on a beautiful, sunny morning. I had been embroiled in my work as usual, making the final touches on a portrait of the three of us. It was, quite simply, the most magnificent piece I've ever painted to date. My excitement about it was barely containable, and the most significant desire that was filling my heart at the moment had been to reveal the finished product to them when they returned."
Kaoru lowered her chin on top of her upraised knees. "Maybe that's why even the thought of painting felt like a physical blow, and made my stomach curl with distaste all these months. Their support of my art and their presence was as much a part of every piece that I painted as the paint I brushed onto it. My parents quite simply embodied every reason that I painted. I don't think I'll ever paint another portrait again. I'm not sure if I have the courage to place so much emotion into another piece of art once more. It's just too utterly painful.
"Even though I took the initial step of wanting to actually paint when I arrived here, I think it was with your presence that I was able to follow through and finish that landscape." She turned her gaze to him, sighed and felt a gentle wash of contentment settle over her. "Thank you."
Kenshin bent his head slightly in wordless response, unable to verbalize a reply to her lengthy admission and heartfelt expression of gratitude. She blinked confusedly as she watched him reach out a hand, and brush his thumb against her cheekbone. It was then that she realized that he had wiped away a tear. There was something in his eyes that begged her not to cry - pleaded for her to find a reprieve to her grief. And it was through his eyes, through that expressive violet gaze, that she finally realized that there would be a life beyond what she had previously defined her existence on.
It was the slightest of touches, but when Kaoru felt the slide of his skin against her hand, her eyes widened minutely and quickly fell to find his fingers wrapping around hers. Darting her gaze to his, she watched a quiet hesitation cover his features. Letting a tentative smile touch her lips, she moved her hand to curl around his. And Kaoru felt more at peace with herself in that moment than she had felt in many, many months.
Slinking down the hall in the middle of the night like a common criminal was a little nerve-racking. Thankfully, the halls were deserted, so the chances of being spotted as she snuck back into her room were decreased, and that gave her some comfort. But, not much. A creak of the floorboards behind her made Kaoru instinctively flatten herself against the wall while shifting her eyes about her surroundings to ascertain what had caused the noise. When nothing was revealed to her as threatening, she expressed a large sigh of relief and continued her covert trek down the dimly lit hallway.
A heavy weight lifted off her shoulders when she finally reached her bedroom door. Stealthily turning the knob, she quickly hurried inside, and then sunk wearily against the steady wood.
"So do you really have a headache, or are you just delusional?"
Kaoru should have been surprised by the voice that had originated from behind her, but she wasn't…not in the least. She bopped her forehead absently against the door with frustration, and then slowly turned around to face her best friend. Misao sat in the chair before the fireplace, her legs curled under her, and book perched in her lap. A black brow was raised quizzically and her mouth curled into a sardonic frown.
"A little of both," Kaoru admitted with a slight shrug.
"You should be glad that I trust you implicitly," Misao retorted, her eyes narrowed.
"Oh?"
Misao grabbed her book and pointed it at Kaoru, hoping to get her point more firmly across. "I should have told my parents you had suddenly gone missing, but instead, I snuck in here and waited for you for three and half hours."
Kaoru moved over to the bed and sat down on the edge. "Why didn't you tell?"
"You don't think I haven't noticed how you've been acting lately? Ever since you stopped going away in the morning, you've been moping around. And last week at that dinner with Lord Himura! And what about all those letters you received and sent out this past week." Misao frowned. "You've never been interested in penmanship."
"Have I really been that obvious?"
Misao sighed, and for the first time that night, the beginnings of a smile curled the corner of her lips. "Only to a person who knows you better than they know themself."
"I never have been able to keep secrets from you, have I?"
"You've never wanted to, Kaoru."
"Well, you can bet that keeping this to myself hasn't been easy."
Misao stood from the chair and walked slowly over to the bed where Kaoru sat. "Why do you feel the need to keep this from me?"
Kaoru sighed heavily, watching Misao as she sat down beside her. "I was afraid I would be making more out of something that really meant little."
"And now?"
"I still honestly don't know."
"Tell me about this…conflict of yours."
And Kaoru did.
For those who interested...Valaroma, one of the reviewers for this story, brought up a interesting question. What was the fashion/clothing like during the early 1800s, so she could get a better idea of what the characters are wearing...I found a few internet sites that have some good examples and I posted the links in my livejournal - the link to which is in my profile. Feel free to check them out.