Author's Note: I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. This evil authoress is sorry for leaving you with such a mean cliffhanger. (wink)

Thanks so much to all who reviewed the last chapter: Reignashii, I Heart Edward Cullen, ixchen, Super Sheba, punKrocKergrl, Earthborne, crazy fanfic lover, sapphireracoongal, Valaroma, ChildlikeEmpress, nebulia, unknown beedee, Jasmine blossom625, MikaylaMae, ShadeSpirit, inuwolf04, Lendra-chan, Royal blueKitsune, toxiclollipop, Anonymous but very interested, JadeLightning-Wolf, sulou, jbox, fashionista, Crimson Rayne, skenshingumi, Mizz-Clumsy, bluerelic, noneedforprozac27, Ravyn, animeCLgrl, superlazygirl, and whoknoez.

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin.

Excerpt from Chapter 6:

Kaoru's heart sank when she recognized that glint of emotion. Guilt.

Somehow he knew exactly what she was going to say. What she was going to ask. It was on the tip of her tongue to beg him to deny what he now so obviously knew what she was going to ask. But she stood frozen.

"Come with me to my study," he said solemnly, his quiet voice slashing through the tense silence. "It seems I have much to explain."

A Soft Hope

Chapter 7

"A Guarded Past"

His words were said in a deeply grave tone, and Kaoru felt her heart sink at the sound of them. It was with sad eyes that she watched him hold open the door to the sitting room and incline his head slightly, entreating her to follow him. Her steps were silent and somewhat heavy as she walked forward, her hands clasped in front of her tightly.

He closed the door behind her and turned to lead her down the hall. His pace was unusually fast, and Kaoru aptly read that as a sign of growing uneasiness within him. She kept her eyes trained on the center of his back, on the slightly wrinkled, white cotton of his shirt. He took her up a small flight of stairs, before baring left and coming to a gradual halt in front of a heavy door on the left. He opened it and quickly ushered her inside.

It was as she stepped into the dimly lit room that was crowded with numerous books, papers strewn haphazardly throughout, and warm from the blazing fire in the hearth that Kaoru suddenly wondered if she really belonged here. It seemed extremely presumptuous of her to waltz through the door of his current residence and expect him to spill the secrets that he had kept hidden from her the moment she had met him. Maybe her feelings for him were blinding her to what was really proper, and just maybe she hoped that he was affected by similar affections that made it easier for him to tell her of his guarded past.

It was with that line of thought that Kaoru realized that though Kenshin might not feel as deeply for her as she did for him, she knew that if he viewed her as merely an acquaintance, he would never feel the need to explain himself. She wouldn't be where she now stood - in his study and facing him as he stared at her cautiously with a look of detachment on his features. It was odd, but that thought gave her some comfort, however little it was.

"I can see in your eyes that something of my past has come to your attention," Kenshin began softly. "I guess it doesn't matter what exactly it is, because everything is so intertwined, it would make no sense to split up the sequence of events. And, honestly, despite my better judgment, I think you deserve to hear the whole thing."

Kenshin cleared his throat and absently ran a hand through his already mussed hair. He motioned for her to sit on the provided sofa with his free hand. It was almost automatically that Kaoru followed his suggestion, slowly sitting down onto the velvet cushions. He seemed too tense to even entertain the thought of sitting, so he clasped his hands behind his back and averted his gaze thoughtfully, obviously deciding where to begin his explanations.

"Kenshin?" Kaoru found herself asking unexpectedly, her voice immediately capturing his attention and drawing his gaze to hers. Staring into her swimming sapphire eyes, he heaved in a heavy breath and exhaled slowly.

"From the beginning?" he inquired, almost more to himself than her.

Kaoru nodded, her eyebrows drawn together as she studied his tense form.

Kenshin took a few seconds to gather his thoughts, and then began, his voice deathly calm. "My initial childhood as the heir to the earldom of Glairmoor was typical. The pressing responsibilities of the role that I would one day take over began to be ingrained into my mind the moment I was born. My parents, like many of the ton, took a supplemental role to my upbringing, preferring to have various nannies and governesses bear the main brunt of helping me grow into a respectable young man. I felt closer to the hired help than I did my own flesh and blood.

"I was seven and half years old when sickness swept the household and claimed the lives of two-thirds of the occupants, servants and nobility alike. My parents were two of the many casualties. It was at that young age I became the new Earl of Glairmoor. Because of my age, I was assigned a guardian that would help to look after the family estates and keep everything in working order until I became of age to do it myself. My only closest relative was my father's younger brother who had joined the royal navy at the age of 21, because as you know, younger sons of titled families most commonly live their out lives under some military service of the king, or they become of member of the clergy." A humorless smile flitted over Kenshin's features. "And the last thing I can picture is my uncle as a member of the clergy.

"Unfortunately for me, it was a year before my uncle returned to England after the completion of his latest mission, and during that year between the death of my parents and the guardianship of my uncle, I was chronically sick with the illness that had taken so many of the lives around me. I had just managed to rid myself of the crushing symptoms when Hiko, my uncle, arrived at the estate. When he first saw me, he said that I resembled 'a skinny wraith that could use some help in becoming a real man'. Despite many protests, Hiko took me with him on his next naval mission, and decided that I would be allowed to observe the ways of the sea.

"Because I was still so young at the time, the protests of others against my joining him at sea were somewhat weak, not only because I had to follow where my guardian demanded, but there was still plenty of time for me to return and fulfill my duties as the earl. After all, they believed I'd only be gone for a year at most.

"Then…one year, two years, five years, seven years passed and I still had yet to return to my duties as earl. By then I was fifteen years of age, and fully capable of shouldering some of the responsibilities. But, I had become intoxicated with the sea as much as my uncle, and there was nothing anyone could have said to take me away from it. In those seven years, I had learned a lifetime of knowledge that filled my soul and made me whole in a way that nothing did.

"Hiko was a genius as a captain - a brilliant tactician and leader of men. I had evolved from my introductory role of a small, sickly child to one of the valued members of the crew. I wasn't designated a particular rank, because it was prohibited, but my role on board was something between navigator and first mate.

"Hiko efficiently taught me everything he knew. I was his loyal apprentice and I was privy to every bit of knowledge that passed through the ship. But, my uncle was not a normal naval captain under the Royal Navy as I had first believed. He was a privateer that used his ship to raid others under the name of the king in attempt to gain a foothold on other territories, and to keep an eye on the happenings of the ocean. Essentially, he worked as a spy."

Kaoru sat, rapt with attention, as she watched Kenshin pace slowly and absently across a small space on the floor. His features were pinched with concentration and she bit her lip as he continued.

"I stayed with him through all those years because I loved life on the sea, and couldn't imagine an existence other than the one I was living. I lived a highly abnormal and, in hindsight, irresponsible life. When I was eighteen, my uncle and I disagreed about a growing topic of discussion that was taking England and surrounding countries by storm. While Hiko was adamant about standing to the side and letting the conflict play out by itself, I was quickly becoming embroiled in what would eventually tear the two of us apart. And this conflict…the Napoleonic Wars.

"Hiko was unyielding about keeping a low profile, and staying out of the broiling divergence. The last thing he wanted was become a meaningless tool of the king, and lose the precious freedom that he had sailed with during many of his captaining years, because even though he sailed under the official seal of the king, the king knew relatively little of what we spent most of our time doing. He said that digging deeper and becoming involved would dissolve everything that he had worked for over the years."

Kenshin looked directly at Kaoru, his eyes heavy with murky shadows. He frowned.

"I disagreed. I saw the War from an entirely different standpoint, and it was obvious to me that I was needed. And so I left his ship and went directly to the source of England's offence. It was not hard to convince them that I would be a welcome ally, and I was given my own ship to captain and a crew despite my young age. I'm sure my title worked in my favor as well.

"My cover was that of a privateer, though the true name that I sailed under was not known to the general public. To the ton, I was thought of as the pompous and overconfident Earl of Glairmoor that fancied himself a daring explorer. To the sailing world and to my crew, I was know as the Battousai, a fearless and domineering captain that had captured and taken every ship to cross my path. I was not forgiving. I was an extremely feared force at sea. And when I wasn't commandeering other ships and impressing sailors into the British navy, I working as an assassin and a spy for the King. My uncle not only taught me the art of captaining…he taught me the art of killing. And he did it well."

It was at this point that Kenshin sat heavily onto a chair directly across from Kaoru and averted his gaze to the ground. He leaned his forearms on his thighs and clasped his hands together. Kaoru had the sudden urge to reach across the chasm between them and lay a comforting hand on top of his enfolded pair.

"During a particularly bloody invasion of an enemy ship, there was a woman on board traveling with her fiancé, who was the opposing captain. I killed him in a swift blow after boarding his ship. Most of his crew also met the same fate, and save for the woman, there was only a small group of survivors. The woman, later identified as Lady Tomoe Yukishiro, was the daughter of a viscount. She was not sent to the brig, and instead was given lodging in one of the upper rooms. We were far from any port, and there were no plans to make stops because our stockroom was full. The amount of time that she spent on my ship was particularly damning to her reputation, and if she had returned to society unmarried, she would have been a veritable pariah. I was given little choice, so in attempt to repair some of the damage caused, I had us married.

"Tomoe viewed me with an odd, paradoxical mixture hate and affection that became almost necessary for our relationship to remain afloat. Our time was spent in an endless dance of avoidances and meetings, and it was gradual, but I did come to love her during the time that we spent together. There were a few times when I tried to convince her to get off the ship and move into the estate in England that had been a part of my family for generations, but each time she refused with a dutiful glint in her eyes, and remained on board. Her actions at first baffled me, and slowly I became to expect her presence. She became as much a part of the crew as any other person on the ship. Things were almost…normal.

"Everything changed for me, though, on a day we sought to take over a ship captained by a man we had been chasing for months. The ship warfare soon turned to hand-to-hand combat. We boarded each other's ships and slashed through our foe's lines. I turned my head during a crucial part and found the enemy captain standing near me, a knowing smirk on his features. I raised the gun, and…

"And then Tomoe was there, facing me amidst the madness, her body caught in the revolving battle that she never should have had to experience. Our eyes locked. Time had seemed to slow down, and yet still there wasn't enough of it for me to drop the gun and save her. I had already pulled the trigger. And I remember watching, completely numb, as the life drained from her eyes, slowly leaving her body a lifeless shell."

Kaoru was blinded with the mental image of the scene Kenshin described, and she had to close her eyes against the bitter tragedy of it. Kenshin was aware of her reaction, and his following words were tainted with heavy remorse.

"I still fought in the war after that point, but it was a deeper understanding that I partook in it. In 1814, the war came to a gradual halt, and the practice of privateers on the sea became outlawed. It was of no consequence to me. Somehow a reporter learned of a few facts about Tomoe's death and wrote of it in a newspaper, bringing all of the ton to their feet in outright astonishment.

"Most importantly, though, Tomoe's death made me realize that the deeds I committed were of the blackest caliber, despite the mighty intentions I meant them for. My dedication for what was right, for what I believed would help, left a dark mark on my soul - a horribly permanent one that will never be able to be removed.

"I did this to myself. I became a monster to stop a monster, and there are days when I question my true effectiveness, where I wonder if my actions helped to quell the raging disaster that loomed in our midst.

"She helped me to realize the depth of my sins, and the irreparable damage I had done not only to others, but to myself as well. And it is because of her that in the 1814, I swore never to captain a ship for England under royal bequest ever again. I would never be a captain of the royal navy or a privateer, otherwise thought of as pirates who served the king. From then on, I would only be passenger or a captain bound to only my will, without any notions of wreaking the havoc I caused for so many years.

"I will always simply be a sailor. Just a sailor. It is all I can allow myself to be."

Silence.

"I wandered for years trying to put a semblance of rational sanity into my life. I traveled to destitute countries hoping maybe to lend a hand to those desperately needing aid. I went to India, Africa, and the Orient. I simply traveled to travel. Sometimes to escape, sometimes to enter a world that had never shivered at the mere mention of the name 'Battousai'.

"I didn't return to my roots, because I felt I didn't deserve to. My title lifts me above the law, makes me practically immune to the poking and prodding of law officials. My…reputation…also keeps them away. I have only been back in England for about nine months now. It had finally seemed that it was the time to return and try to face some of the problems that had grown only more complicated over the years…like my ignored responsibly toward the earldom. But, weeks after my return I quite unexpectedly ran into my former first-mate, Sanosuke Sagara. Together, the two of us met up and agreed to help our mutual friend Lord Shinomori, Aoshi, in keeping the shipping business his father had loaded with debt afloat. And it was here, in this countryside, that I met you."

Kaoru stood up from her sitting position and moved over to Kenshin, her steps confident and her eyes wide with swimming perceptiveness. She laid a hand on his shoulder and was surprised to find his skin cool beneath his shirt. He lifted his head. His eyes were so clouded with tiredness and capitulation that Kaoru felt her heart drop painfully.

Kenshin reached up with the arm opposite her touch and placed his hand atop her own on his shoulder. He slowly brought her hand down, and then couldn't find the needed strength to release it. His pointer finger traced the snaking lifeline on her palm and stopped at her wrist.

When he spoke up again, Kaoru's heart clenched.

"I am not worthy of your affections. I am not someone you should even wish to care for. And I don't blame you if you are…disgusted by what all I have informed you of today. I am truly sorry for making you believe in something that I never should have allowed to exist. It honestly took me a while to recognize myself what had happened between the two of us, and by then it was already to late," he said solemnly. "I am completely at fault here."

It was a heavy silence that descended as Kaoru searched for the correct words. He seemed so weary, so downtrodden with the reality of the life he had made. He may have thought that during his haunting revelations, she would suddenly see a fanged monster with glowing eyes instead of the remorseful, kind red-haired man she had come to know. Understanding the reason behind the black cloud he surrounded himself helped her realize that Kenshin needed more than a reassuring pat on the shoulder and a single, hesitant smile of support. His wounds were so psychologically deep that they might never be able to be touched at all.

"I-I…you are still the same," she whispered. Catching his haunted stare, she emphasized, "You are you. This…what you've told me… Your past made you into the man you are today - the man I have spent countless hours with these past weeks. While I definitely don't…I don't condone your actions, you do not disgust me."

He appeared to be struggling with himself inwardly, seemingly trying to determine the depth of truth in her words.

"I'm glad I know of your past," Kaoru rushed on.

"Kaoru, I -"

"There is no one more honorable or loyal than you."

"I can't take you down my path of unworthiness. It isn't an option. I won't subject you to such a thing."

"Did it ever occur to you to ask me what I am willing and unwilling to do, of how far I am prepared to follow you…of how much your very presence means to me?"

"I can't let you do it. I just can't."

"It wouldn't hurt to open up and let someone help support you as you shoulder your great burden. Kenshin - please. Give me the chance to show you a different life. Of partnership. Of a lasting friendship. You may not think that you are deserving of such a thing, but I sincerely think you are."

"We are so different in what we think is right. You are too young to be drawn into the sinister chaos that is my life. I won't taint your innocence - the very beauty of your life that makes you so special." He seemed so confused then, his face falling as if struck by a passing thought that nearly felt like a physical blow. "Why aren't you running from me? What have I done to gain such loyalty, Kaoru?"

"How do you feel about me?" she burst out, brushing past his question.

"I can't answer that," he whispered.

"If you are so scared of 'tainting' me, why did you keep coming back? Why continue to search me out?"

He was silent for so long, Kaoru wasn't sure he was going to answer her. "I felt almost normal in your presence. You have an uncanny ability of helping to wash away my black thoughts when I'm with you. No one, in these past seven years, has been able to do that."

It was an inward struggle for Kaoru as she contemplated what to do. Though he verbally expressed the deepest distress at having her get to close to him, there was a haunted haze to his eyes that spoke of a raging vulnerability, which screamed for comfort of some kind - for a reprieve from the shadowed obscurity of his mind. It was then that she realized what needed to be done. What had to be done. It wasn't the easiest path, or the most straightforward, but it was tentative and it was gradual. And just maybe, it would help Kenshin tackle the encompassing fear, in which he believed he would somehow infect her with his demons.

"I'm only going to tell you this once, because I don't think I'll be able to repeat it. This…is hard for me. I've never done this before, so please bear with me.

"I've fallen in love you. I don't know when, or how, or even why. It just happened." Kenshin's eyes widened. "I don't feel such emotions lightly like many of women my age as they go from man to man spreading their affection, and when I say this out loud, I am perfectly and utterly serious. I'll never feel like this about anyone else in my life. I'm not saying there isn't the possibility I might come to love another, but Kenshin…you'll always be present in my heart no matter where you are. Nothing can erase these feelings that have rooted in my heart - not even you with your protestations.

"I'm possessive, I get aggressively angry when provoked, and I'm somewhat childish sometimes, but I'm not fickle, or ignorant, or weak. I'm not going to force myself on you when you're obviously at such odds with yourself. While you think you are unworthy of even being with me, I disagree. But, since I'm not ever going to be able to change your mind for you, I'll just have to wait for you to do it yourself."

"No, Kaoru, you shouldn't - "

"Give me a moment," she snapped, "and then you'll be able to try and convince me I'm holding out hope for the impossible. I'm just as stubborn as you, you dunce, and if I'm astute enough to realize you can't be browbeaten, then I hope you can see the same goes for me as well."

"Kaoru…"

"I'm giving you time," she interrupted with a steady glare. "Time for you think about how you want the rest of you life to be lived. I'm giving you time to keep doing what you've been doing during these past years, but instead of being on your own, always remember I'm here. I'll always be here. The knowledge that you're alone in the world is suffocating, I can identify with that from experience. I want you to know despite everything, you don't have to live alone if you can find the courage within yourself to accept me."

"It isn't that simple."

"But, it is. If only you could see it."

He wanted to believe her, and drown himself in the open innocence of her gaze. She exuded a truthfulness that he wanted to wrap himself in, in hopes of softening the sorrow that dwelled within him. Kenshin had to avert his eyes from hers as he swallowed heavily. Everything about Kaoru baffled him, intrigued him, caused him yearn for something that he made himself believe he could never have. It was agonizing being with her. But, he thought as he closed eyes, it was also heaven in her presence.

A loud knock on the closed door immediately caught his attention. It opened without a verbal reply, and Sanosuke stepped through the crack.

"You're needed," he told him, his eyes hard with an unreadable emotion. Kenshin nodded in response. Sanosuke left following the affirmative gesture.

Kaoru watched as Kenshin began to gather his thoughts, and slip a veil of detachment on his features. He was slowly beginning to shut her out.

Sighing heavily, Kaoru stepped back, and let her hand fall from his loose grip. Kenshin regarded her with an expression of somber surrender. He needed his space. Even if her mind screamed at her to never leave his side, rationality replaced her desires, and she could only bow her head slightly in temporary capitulation.

"Remember this, Kenshin," she said as she walked to the door, stopped slowly and then turned to face him once more. "It's not easy to get rid of me."

And then she disappeared through the doorway.

When Kaoru returned to Stirling Hall that evening, she was quiet with introspection, her body numb and her mind overloaded with the unpredicted information. Later that night, she pulled Misao aside and told her of everything that Kenshin had explained to her. Misao offered to be a her friend's statue of solace should she need it, but Kaoru found that despite the present numbness that enfolded her, she could feel no pressing melancholy - no need to search for the nearest corner and let sobs rack her body.

But, that was because there was still something she could hope for.

To live for.

She was extremely grateful that she wasn't a pessimistic person, because this situation could have very well broken her. Kaoru realized that she still had years before her until she would let any semblance of melancholy descend like a wraith upon her. She had been cloaked by sadness for too long to let it take her over once more.

Two days later, she received word that Kenshin and Aoshi had departed to the port city of Dover in Kent. And it was a week following that she left the countryside with her hosts and returned to London to welcome the season of debutants parading around for a coveted husband.

And though Kaoru continued to live her life to the fullest extent, and she settled into a comfortable lifestyle, she waited.