Disclaimer: I don't own Ray, Neela or ER in general. They belong to NBC and all the other people who have something thing to do with this show.
Greed
All was not well.
Michael had run of somewhere, without saying a word, nearly 2 minutes after Ray had left – no, fled. She had been left behind, standing at her spot at the dining table. Mouth wide open. Mind terribly confused.
Had any of that just really happened? Was this not some terrible nightmare? Please God, let it be a nightmare. There was no way her lovely evening had been ruined like that. She was asleep, in her bed, and she would wake up soon. She had to. Because this was in no way funny or amusing or…or possible, for God's sake!
She'd always deemed herself a fair person, one with a nice, balanced life. A bit hectic at times, sure, but that was a given for an ER doctor. She'd never been the type of girl to lead someone on, nor the type put herself first. The fact that she became a doctor obviously said something about that, right? Then how did she get in this terrible, terrible mess?
It was supposed to have been a fun night, one for reconciliation. Maybe even one that would bring the two men in her life together, because she knew they didn't like each other much. She'd thought that maybe, just maybe, if they got to know each other they wouldn't hate each other so much. It hadn't worked, obviously. She could blame them, Ray and Michael, since they'd obviously played their parts. But all in all, it was her fault and her responsibility.
She'd been so desperate to properly have Ray back in her life. He'd affected her in more ways than she could possibly tell him. She knew he cared about her, he wasn't heartless and they'd been roommates for such a long time. And she was pretty sure he knew she cared about him.
She loved him – though she was not quite sure in what way – and she'd missed him over the past few months, in which he'd obviously been avoiding her. The constant avoidance had only confused her. It had made her wonder if she'd made the right choice. At any rate, he was her friend and she needed him to be there for her. She needed him to care.
But with Michael it was different. She loved him, she really did. She just didn't love him enough. She didn't love him as a person…she loved him as a thought. Darling Michael. Perfect, brave, sweet Michael. He was her husband, her very own illusion of happiness. How very well adjusted she was.
Was she going to let all of this go because of the simple technicality that he was not her one? Surely her mother had raised her better than that. Safety first, Neela. Happiness will come somewhere along the way. She let those life lessons slip when she opted for County, and further so when she agreed to be Ray's roommate. Other people first, Neela. Don't let what you want get in the way. But still she'd lusted after her Ray, her roomie, while her husband sat next to her at the dinner table. She'd let them get hurt, because she wanted it all. Think before you act, Neela. Jumping in will only give you trouble. And, oh, how it did. How it terribly did, in a flash, the tiniest second. Because she was selfish, and these fine men had been caught in her web of doubts and indecisiveness.
She desperately wished she was a less selfish person. That of all the rules and values and life lessons she had remembered the ones that put her last. But too late was simply too late, and there was nothing she could do about it now. She wanted both of them for herself. She wanted Michael to stay in America for her. She wanted Ray want her, like some kind of fantasy that had an actual chance of coming true. She felt selfish and needy. She felt so unlike herself. It was all just too much drama.
Greedy, man-hungry Neela, at you service.
Her legs finally gave out as she realized she had been standing at the table for a while. She dropped herself onto her chair and whipped away the tears she knew were there.
Such drama.
She tried to be optimistic. Tomorrow everything would be okay. Tomorrow the storm would have settled. She'd have to call Ray to apologize for the catastrophically night. She and Michael would talk – or, more likely, fight – about it, but they'd get through it. She hoped.
All she really had to do now was decide between her heart and her head. Between what was right for her and what was right for them.
She just didn't know how.