Out in the great vastness of the universe a heavy set man dressed in a brown uniform suddenly awoke from his slumber. He had fallen asleep in a recliner watching a sporting event known only to the inhabitants to his planet.
"Hmm, a disturbance in the delivery force." He grumbled to himself.
He got up out of his chair and brushed off chips and other unhealthy snack food. He went to his computer and ordered something from the almighty Internet. He choose to have it delivered over night, by Planet Express. Gazing over his order, he returned to his recliner and resumed watching the rest of his televised sporting event.
The Professor interrupted Fry and Bender's lunch in the break room, carrying a small package. He shot a glare to the new captain who dropped an apple he had been munching on.
"Good news, everyone. Ah, screw it. Deliver this package to ah, the hell with it." The imposter Professor tossed the package on the lunch table and walked off.
"Emotions. One minute your happy the next you're a a kill-bot in disguise!" Bender suggested.
Fry nodded and picked up the small package and put it into his pocket. He nodded to Bender who got up and they both made their way slowly to the ship. He got behind the unfamiliar controls of the vessel and began to turn the key. The engine sounded like a car stalling on a cold winter day.
"Try jingling the keys back and forth!" Bender exclaimed.
The ship roared to life, and soon hovered out of the docking bay and toward the stars. Nervously, Fry placed the copper placard on the control panel and looked at the name scrawled out in capital letters: LEELA. He sighed and headed toward the coordinates of the unknown planet.
"Fry, uh, I think we're going in reverse!" Bender advised.
The dimwitted pilot pushed the shifter from R to D and soon the ship began to rocket toward its destination.
"This piloting thing is pretty easy!" Fry screamed over the sound of the powerful dark matter engines.
"YOU JUST RAN THAT STOP SIGN YOU MORON, PAY ATTENTION TO THE GALAXY!" Bender yelled frantically.
"Opps!" Fry followed with a moronic giggle of stupidity.
Every sensor and circuit that controlled Bender warned him that this was certain death letting Fry fly the ship into outer space. He turned his swivel chair away from Fry and pulled out Lucy Liu's head.
"Just in case we don't make it, I love you!" Bender whispered to the head in a jar.
Before the once popular actress had a chance to speak he crammed the jar back into his chest cavity and slammed the door shut on it. After awhile, Fry had gotten more familiar with the controls of the ship and they maintained a steady course to the planet they were delivering the package too.
Bender held it in his hand and wondered what it was. For a small package there was certainly a lot of fuss over it. It was roughly the size of a blernsball, or baseball if you want to go 20th century about it. What was the point of having it delivered so rapidly, and why Planet Express, who usually dealt with expensive or dangerous cargo, so if they busted something there was a chance of a law suit, or if worse came to worse, a bunch of rejects amongst society would die, nobody important?
Fry engaged the auto pilot, and left to use the facilities. Bender rotated his head around to make sure he had left the bridge and opened his chest plate and pulled out a bottle of vodka and some cocktail olives.
"Ready for round two, you crazy son of a bitch?" Bender asked the auto pilot.
A computerized, yet native Irish voice began to rumble. "Aye, ye dirty sonofa whore."
Bender poured the drinks and soon the 2nd round of the drinking contest began. Roughly a space hour passed, and the two were hammered, even though Bender was alcohol fueled, cocktail olives somehow disrupted his central processing unit, a little known fact on alcohol powered robots and spaceship autopilots.
"What the hell is going on here?" Fry demanded looking at the drunken Bending bot. "You promised I could get drunk and party with you guys!"
"Huh? Oh, Fry you dirty meat sack. We're not as think as you drunk we are!" Bender said in very slurred speech followed with a hiccup.
"You know what the law is about drinking and piloting a star ship! Its illegal from 9am to 9pm!" Fry snatched the bottle of vodka from Bender and took a sip.
Another hour later the two machines and Fry were hammered into oblivion. Fry had somehow managed to grow a 5 oclock shadow faster than the speed of light, and had a lamp shade on his head. Bender had puked up robot oil all over the navigation system and the ship was on a collision course with the planet the delivery was destined too. The auto pilot was going through its drunken version of Row your Boat when the ship's A.I., or Bender's ex girlfriend began to alert the intoxicated crew.
"Colission in T minus 5 minutes."
"Quit your yappin woman!" The Auto pilot said angrily in its thick Irish accent.
A small robotic arm chucked an empty bottle of beer toward the growing red eye in the rear of the cockpit. Fry stumbled to the helm and pushed a series of buttons.
"Increasing speed to warp factor G! G is a number right?" Fry asked.
The Bending bot simply shrugged. The A.I. on the other hand had some useful information.
"Collision in T minus 2 seconds!" It screamed.
Before Fry could consider what was going on the ship violently plowed into a densely vegetated thicket in a planet of densely vegetated thickets. He took off the lamp shade that still rested on his head and set it down.
"Woohoo, mission accomplished!" Fry announced.
Every consol on board the Planet Express ship began to spark and smoke filled the cockpit. The A.I. and the Auto Pilot, both shut down.
"Light weights!" Bender screamed.
The duo of what was left of the Planet Express delivery company walked out into the wilderness of the planet. A figure in a rob approached them with a small wooden cane. The small figure must have only been 3 feet tall.
"Ah. A delivery of a package have you." It said in an eerie voice.
"Yoda?" Fry asked the small figure.
Another figure appeared and slapped the smaller figure who dashed off into the nearby forest. The new figure appeared to be a 20th century deliveryman clad in a brown uniform. He seemed somewhat over weight, and jolly.
"Don't mind him. He is from some planet where they speak in confusing English. I'm Doug Heffernan, the King of Queens." He announced shaking Fry's hand.
"Wow, that was a TV show when I was around in the 20th century, you even look like Kevin James!" Fry marveled, he then realized he was speaking to royalty and went to his knee. "I mean, you look like him, your majesty."
On the journey to the king's palace, he had told them the ironic tale of how he came to be. The year had been 2950, UPS, FedEX and a few more groups of delivery companies united as one. The whole planet became so reliant on the single company, it was soon being ran and governed by it. The new governing body began a top secret project, Project Project, the most classified project in the history of Earth. The goal was to create the best delivery boy possible, using the knowledge and DNA of all of the delivery boys throughout history, a look alike of Kevin James was created. In honor of the CBS show the scientists named him Doug Heffernan. They downloaded the personality of him into the organism and soon he became the chosen one of delivery boyism. However, all was not well in the delivery universe, an outsider had begun fighting them. A woman called Mom, had started a business monopoly first with robots, then with a few other side projects that led up to a delivery company. The governing body was over thrown and forced to seek refuge throughout the galaxy, until a chosen one, a delivery boy with the power to restore order in the business of parcel delivery was found.
"Wow, so you think I'm the delivery boy that can save the universe?" Fry asked.
"Actually, anybody could do it, but since my pre programmed emotions and personality make me a lazy fat guy who watches TV all day, I picked you." Doug announced.
"Still good. Now do I get a light saber or like mind powers?" Fry asked.
"What do you think this is, some sort of Sci-Fi story?" The king replied.
"You already have a mind power, your brain is less intelligent than a dead raccoon!" Bender reminded Fry.
"Interesting. No Fry, you will have to dedicate one week to the training required by a true delivery boy, only then will you be ready to deliver packages and other redundant items to people who are to lazy to pick it up themselves. Are you ready?" Doug asked.
"I've been a delivery boy for over 1,000 years I think so!" Fry snorted.
He handed Doug the package they had came the whole way to prove his point. Doug slapped Fry in the face.
"Over night delivery means 24 hours or less! You got here in 24 hours and 5 seconds. What if this was an important package?" Doug began to yell.
Fry and Bender were taken to their quarters for the evening, the training would resume in the morning. The red headed youth rubbed his hand over the stinging on his face. Bender past helped pass the time by pulling out a deck of cards, and the two began a "friendly" game of poker.
Fry, down $300, a red jacket and an IOU of one human kidney wondered about Planet Express, and why the Professor was acting so weird. After Bender had decided Fry was totally out of anything valuable to fork over walked into the closet for the night. Fry sat on the edge of his bed wondering how all of his other friends where making out, and more than the others Leela. He sighed and looked up at the ceiling thinking about her.