Based on the Showtime tv show 'Dexter' about a serial killer-killing serial killer named Dexter. Rated 'R' for language and some violence.
Dexter's Bad Day
Dexter awoke to a misquito biting his ankle, and although Dexter didn't know it, the misquito had West Nile Virus. Dexter couldn't reach it and it flew away. Dexter went to get some breakfast.
In the kitchen, Dexter found Doakes sitting on a stool eating an english muffin. "Surprise, motherfucker", said Doakes. Dexter squinted, feeling mildly confused. "Doakes? How did you get into my house?" said Dexter. "I told you I'd be watching you," Doakes said, and he took a bite of muffin. "But you can't just break into my house?" said Dexter. "I can do anything I want to do, motherfucker." said Doakes.
Dexter just shrugged, then he went to the fridge to get some orange juice. "How long have you been here?" Dexter said. "Long enough to hear you snoring, asshole. Get me out that blueberry jam, dumbass. And that minty crap, too" said Doakes.
After awhile, Dexter set off for work, with Doakes following inches behind him.
Dexter could feel Doakes' breath on his neck. "Are you gonna ride along in my car?" asked Dexter. "No, your car smells like death. I'm gonna be right behind you in my own car. By the way, nice shirt, yahoo." said Doakes.
Dexter looked down at his shirt, feeling insecure. He thought it looked pretty good. He got into his car. "I can't believe that guy, he's such a jerk", he thought. Dexter didn't think it smelled like death in his car, just like cuban sandwiches, and they did not smell like death to him. Dexter stepped on the gas pedal and drove off towards his job.
Traffic was terrible that day, and as Dexter tried to navigate, he kept looking in his rearview mirror to see Doakes who kept making hand gestures at him. Dexter was thinking about what a jerk Doakes was when he drove out into an intersection past a red light and got into an accident.
Dexter had drivin his car into a pedestrian who was trying to run through traffic, and he slammed the pedestrian into another car that was crossing from the other direction. "That's it, motherfucker! You just killed somebody! I saw you!!" Doakes said, running over.
"Wait a second, she's not even dead!" said Dexter. "She will be, I can tell!" said Doakes. The pedestrian turned her head around and that's when they both saw that it was Deb.
"DEB?!????????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O!!!" said Dex, letting out a hoarse howl of misery.
"Shut up, damn it, you're hurtin' my ears!" said Doakes.
Deb was the only person on the planet who Dexter felt warm and squishy towards. "Dexter, you... you killed me..." said Deb in a whisper.
"Good goin', asshole!" boomed Doakes, to Dexter. Dexter started to cry.
At the hospital, Deb was laying on the table, prepared to be operated on. Dex was so disoriented he barely knew how they got there. "Where are the surgeons?" he asked. "They'll be in when they can... but, Dex, I don't think I'm gonna live through this." Deborah said, bleary eyed.
"Don't say that, Deb! You're all I've got in the world! You can make it through if you fight!!" Dexter whined. "No...Dex, this is the end. I'm a goner. Listen, before I go, I have to know something... remember when Dad was in the hospital too, and he said, 'sooner or later, you'll have to do it'? What was 'it'? Tell me, Dexter, you've got to tell me before I die." said Deb imploringly. Dexter looked around and saw that nobody else was still in the room. He took a breath. "Ok, Deb, I'll tell you the truth." said Dexter. He leaned in close and whispered in Deb's ear.
"I'm a serial killer, Deb. I always have been this way, and Dad trained me to only kill bad guys, but I really would like to just kill anybody and everybody, yes, I'm a real psycho..." said Dexter. "Oh, Dex..." said Deb, faintly. Dexter wrung his shirt in his hands. "So, what do you think, Deb?" Dex asked. Deb closed her eyes. "Deb...? Deb...?" said Dex. Suddenly, Deb's eyes shot back open and she yelled, "SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER!!", and jumped off the operating table. Dexter took a step back. "Deb? What are you doing?" said Dexter.
"HA HA HA HA!!" Deb said, snaping her fingers. "I fooled you!! Me and Doakes are a couple now, that's right, he's my new man! He convinced me something was WRONG with you, and we had to find out what! We set this whole thing up, it was an elaborate hoax, all to get you to confess to your crimes, Dex! Hahahahaha! I'm wearin' a fuggin' wire!!" said Deb, and she pulled a wire out of her bra. Dexter reeled. He stepped back, putting his hands on the sides of his head. "No... no... Deb...?" said Dexter. He felt like the walls were closing in, as Deborah just laughed and laughed. "But Debs, you're the only person I've ever really liked! Just because I'm a murderous, torturing maniac you turn on me?! How could you?" Dexter said, sobbing frantically. He was crying alot today, and he tried to remind himself he wasn't supposed to have emotions.
"Well, fuck you!! That's what you get for being so distant all those years. This is my payback!" said Deb. "Wh?" Dexter whined. Doakes burst into the room. "This is the BEST day of my life", Doakes announced, crossing his arms.
Deborah walked over to him, grinning stupidly, her eyes wide. She fingered the wire she was wearing and put an arm around Doakes. Dexter watched them, trying to clear his head. "A real brother, none of this foster bullshit"... Rudy's words echoed in Dexter's head. He watched Doakes begin to kiss Deborah. "You're 'bout to fry, psycho!" Doakes said to Dexter.
"No I won't." said Dexter.
"What? We got your confession, bozo!" said Doakes, angrily.
"Yes, but of course, it won't be usuable, because I'm gonna kill you both!" said Dexter, pulling out a machine gun. Dexter blew them both away and then stole the wire. Dexter had been carrying a small machine gun strapped into a holster under the back of his shirt all this time. After he dumped so much of his crap in the ocean he'd bought some new things, like guns. Dexter ran out of the hospital, finding that it wasn't a real hospital but a fake hospital with no doctors at all in it. Dexter ran down the side stairs outside the building and on his way, he brushed into Adrian Monk. "Oh, God, you're filthy. THe germs, the germs" said Monk. "Oh, yeah, sorry about that" said Dex, not knowing what to do. "Ok. Let's have sex" said Monk. "Well, if you think that's appropriate", said Dexter. So they did.
The end.