I said to myself that I don't want to see you ever again. That I never want to ever be with you again. Those months I had been away. I made myself forget you. I made myself believed I never met you. I made myself forget that once in my life I had loved someone more than I loved myself. That I have hurt myself more so I won't hurt you but did it ever matter to you? I doubt it. I really do. I do believe you have never even love like you said you did. I don't think you even know that word. All you know is me, me, and only me. It's got to be always about you.
Funny, I wondered now why I had loved you. I should hate you, you know. For making me this way. For doing this to me. I should hate you now for coming back after I thought I forgot about you, after I thought I had stopped loving you.
I hate you. I hate you so much. That despite the times I've made myself forget that despite of the distance and the time away. A single word, a single thing would affect me so much because it concerns you.
Why can't you leave me alone? Why can't you find someone else to abuse? I hate you. I hate you from the very core of my being. You have destroyed me, you have shattered my being. After I have loved you. You did this to me. After I gave you all, leaving nothing for myself. You cheated on me. No words or action could suffice for what you've done. You're not human. You have no feelings. You're not even capable of love. You only care about yourself.
I never thought a person like you exist, I never thought that anyone could be so evil. The mental torture you put me through. The pain, the mental pain that hurts more than the physical pain. I'm so lucky to survive and live to tell, that once in my life I made the biggest mistake in my entire life. The day I met you.
Ryu. Maybe if I say it out loud for the last time, it would break the spell that you have on me. Maybe it would release your hold on me. I threw away all your pictures but even without them, your face haunts me in my dreams. That I wake up sweating and screaming your name. Sometimes I wish I had an accident that I would bump my head and lose my memory. Maybe I would forget everything else but there's nothing I want more but to forget you.
You were in the very air that I breathe, the every feel that touches my skin, the very image that haunts me even in my slumber.
When you were hurt…when you were alone, those were the only time you remembered me, that you've thought of me. Is that all am worth to you? Is that the only time I cross your mind because you needed me and not for anything else? How could I ever loved someone like you? I kept asking myself that over and over again.
I'm sick of all your excuses, I'm sick of looking away and pretending I didn't know anything. I'm not stupid, Ryu, I know what you've been doing behind my back. I know you've been cheating on me all this time, I even asked you if I can share you, that I can have a piece of your time. You portrayed yourself as weak, and helpless, being the Uke, I thought you really were. But you're so devious, it's all just a ploy, a coquettish charm that you are so good at. And stupid me, I fell for it, with eyes closed I pretended I didn't know any better, I gave myself excuses, I gave myself lies to believe you. To see you the way I want to see you. For I love you so much, I got no control over myself when it comes to you. I am yours completely.
Kai had been supportive…not as a lover but as a friend. He gave me a reason to move on, to start living for myself for a change, for start thinking of myself, loving myself. It may not be hard to fall for someone like Kai, but we don't go there, we don't dare, I don't want to lose him as much as he didn't want to lose me.
It's different to sleep in a bed with another man not your lover, its funny at first, half of the time, I dragged myself out of bed for fear I might do something to him being so accustomed to sleeping with someone, I might hold him or kiss him while sleeping, and my biggest fear is I might get all hot and bothered feeling a warm body next to mine. But somehow he knew, he would hold me and kiss my forehead and we will leave at that. And it helped. To feel another body next to mine, that I knew whose love is genuine than the love I knew before that was really all a pretend. Somehow, his is more satisfying than merging of bodies, with him holding me, for the first time makes me feel safe, makes me feel wanted and yes, loved.
Gradually, he helped me let my demons go, he helped me back to be my old self again and not some puppet looking for a master to manipulate me. He stood by me, like an alcoholic withdrawing his bad spirits, I let go of you during those times, Ryu, I forgot about you during those times, bury you in the very back of my mind, bury you in my past that I would soon forget and never unearth again. Somehow, I found in Kai the true person I really been needing in my life. He didn't want anything material or physical from me, just someone to be there, to keep him company, to hear him talk, to listen to him, to spend moments with, and just someone you can rely on and trust. He is a friend and more than a friend. He is my saving grace…my healing balm, he had reached out and helped me out of the rut you put me through, Ryu, he helped me out of that rut you left me in. I maybe weak now….I may still have little feelings left for you. But someday I know I will get over you, I know someday I will be strong and truly get over you. Just you wait and see. I would forget you…Ryu.