I slept on the plane and on the greyhound, I was aching and sore, I couldn't walk right. But I felt so good, I never felt this way. Could it be am in love? No, I don't think so. Not the romantic love, but more, much more. I love Kai more than anything else in this world. And yes, more than Ryu now. I had buried him inside my heart, and nothing he do will change what I feel for Kai. I have fun when I'm with him, he makes me laugh, he takes care of me, we do stuff together, we are not together romantically but it's the most secured relationship I have ever been in. I may only have Ryu to compare it with but no matter what, am not gonna trade it with anything else or anyone else. This time I am home. It's not to love someone just for who they are and what they are in your life, he is my best friend, my brother and surprisingly, my lover, rolled into one, what more could I ask? I was standing at the station, holding my phone, looking at my screen saver, with Kai and me we took last night. No, not to show Ryu that I have a lover, or I found someone. I don't even want to show it to him. I told Kai am not gonna pretend to Ryu, that's not my style, am not like him. I just want him to know that am happy the way I way, and who am with, and to me that's all that matters. If he got hurt, I don't care if he shrugged it off and try to piss me off, I just pretend he doesn't exist anymore.
I was laughing so hard when I reached inside my bag to get my phone book and instead I found a framed picture of Kai, with a note attached to it,
Kyo,
Here's something to remember me by, let you know that am thinking of you and missing you.
Love you,
Kai
I took this picture when we were goofing around at the bar with his new digital camera. I was putting it back in my bag when I sensed him standing in front of me. That's one thing I can't figure out. Ryu will always have an effect on me, no matter what.
"Hey, there, stranger." He greeted, about to give me a buzz, I stepped back and extended my hand.
"Hi." I greeted. He stared at my hand for awhile and shook it reluctantly. He was planning to put his arm around me so I bend down at the same time to get my bag.
He looked pissed, I smiled broadly, "Good to see you, Ryu." I said, looking up. He tried to smile and was looking at me weirdly. He touched my neck.
"Was that- Is that a kiss mark? Or a bite mark?" He asked, as if reprimanding a small boy. I blushed, remembering sometime or another that Kai bit me there. I raised the collar of my heavy jacket.
"Ah...Gee…allergies, I think, I scratched it." I replied, looking away.
Ryu shook his head, "Yeah, mosquito with two heads." He grumbled, just then with perfect timing, my phone rang. I smiled when I saw who it was.
"Hey…you're up early." I said, with a grin, remembering the time difference. Kai has the same habit like I do, night person. Working in a bar, we developed the nocturnal habit. I looked at Ryu, "Excuse me, a sec." Ryu had that exasperated looked as he grabbed my bag and led the way to his car.
"Is he there? Are you okay, did you get to sleep on the plane okay?" Kai asked, sleepily, his voice sounded husky, I could just imagine him in bed, doing it for the nth time right even after I leave, he couldn't get enough. 'I created a monster.' I commented when he was tugging me at the car at the airport for another quickie.
I smiled, warmed all over, "Yeah, we're on our way to the car. What do you think? I'm sore, I couldn't sit right. And you put a bite mark on my neck." I said, with a laugh, trying to speak low. Ryu was eavesdropping, looking at me.
Kai laughed, "Serves you right for turning me this way. I used to be straight, you know. You've changed me." Kai said, talking in that voice that I found so sexy, the way it gives me goose bumps, now am getting horny just by talking to him on the phone.
"Straight my ass, you're a smacking queer." I said with a chortle, and Ryu glared at me. I blushed.
"I better go, will call you later, okay? Set your alarm, or you would be late for work later." I said, reminded him.
"Okay. I love you Kyo." He said, and I know he meant it not just for show knowing that Ryu was listening in. I smiled again, thinking of his face. "I love you Kai." I said and hang up the phone.
Ryu took my arm, "So, who was that? Your new boyfriend?" He teased, I was hurt for a bit, he was acting as if nothing happened, like we've decided everything when he threw away everything we built together.
I shrugged and tried to get away from his grasp, "Oh, my room mate and best friend. He was just checking on me to see if am okay." I said, taking the bag from him. I know he would be hurt when I said what Kai is in my life that was he reduced me to be when he decided to get a life without me. His face fell. We walked in silence to the car.
As we rode in silence, I reminisce how it was then with us before, this is his second car, the other one, the first one, we always have car trouble with it. There were instance that he panicked when the engine conked out on us and we were stranded in the middle of the off ramp, all the cars and trucks screaming at us, almost hitting us, he didn't want to get out of the car to direct the traffic away from us, he was crying and panicking all of a sudden. "Don't get out! Don't remove your seatbelt babe, just sit there, in case someone hit us you would be secure with your seatbelt!" he shouted at me, gripping my arm, forcing me to look front, crying. I got my phone and dialed his mom's number and told her what happened and she said she will call the towing service and told me to calm Ryu down.
We got out of there in one piece. There were instances that I have to be with him in his rounds with his patients, because he was rattled and forget stuff, and maybe he just wants me to tug along. So even if without sleep, I would just change clothes and grab everything we need and sleep in the car while he does his exams. Then after lunch, would go home and crash for a couple of hours and then wake up to go to work.
I had sacrificed a lot in this relationship, it just crushed me that he threw that away and didn't give importance to what I did and what I sacrificed for him. I looked around the car, we picked this car, he chose blue because it's my favorite color, I remembered how excited he was bringing me to the car dealer and asking me what I want and what color, as if I can drive it.
We watched a movie once, a corny love story, about a couple, their trials and temptations that drew them apart, and there was a part there where the dad of the guy was saying that the guy was lucky, that he finally found his home with the girl, that the girl is just like a worn slipper, it means a lot to you, tattered and old, but it is home, so you keep it and treasure it no matter how useless it is now. I gave him a pair slipper keychain for his car, I searched the entire strip trying to find that perfect symbol how much he meant to me, like in the movie, Ryu was my slipper, my home. I glanced at the keychain, it was still there, he was still using it. And I looked at the mirror, yes, the pendant with his Chinese name is still hanging by the mirror, I gave that to him. I felt my chest tightening. What is happening? I don't want this feeling, I don't want to be here. I closed my eyes, feeling dizzy and nauseated.
I felt him grab my arm, "Are you alright?" he asked, glancing at me. I nodded, searched my bag for my medication.
"Could we stop at the gas station, I needed water." I said, calmly.
Ryu looked at him, he is faking again, those attacks, he thinks he can fool me, he always does this to get my attention. Well, am not falling for it this time.
"Alright, it would be ten miles to the nearest gas station. Can you hang on that long?" Ryu asked, I nodded my head and closed my eyes. Pulled my seat down a bit and closed my eyes.
We drove in silence, I was just probably exhausted from all the activities and the flight and the drive over here. I fell into a deep slumber.
Kyo's phone rang, Ryu tried to shake him awake but he was so out of it that he didn't stir. Ryu picked it up, new phone, he noticed, there's a picture of Kyo and another guy, probably the boyfriend, Ryu smirked, and then, he saw the guy's picture flashed on the screen, so he was the one calling. Thinking this is another pretend, Ryu answered the phone.
"Hello? This is Ryu, Kyo's best friend, he is sleeping right now." He said.
Kai was taken aback, it's him! There's still on the road, why is Kyo sleeping? Did something happen?
"Hi, Ryu, this is Kai, is everything alright? I just called to check up on him if he took his medication already." Kai said. Ryu was stunned, Kyo used to do that to him, remind him of stuff, now there's someone doing that to his former lover. He wished Jin would be the same. Jin is okay and all, but it's Ryu who does everything, clean the house, prepares the meals, do the chores, prepare his clothes and stuff. He was reduced to wifely duties like what Kyo used to do for him.
They don't take turns like Kyo and Ryu does when Kyo wasn't feeling okay or was too tired from work, he would do the laundry or cook the meal. But living with Jin is different, he was the spoiled one, he is the bread winner, so it's natural for Ryu to do everything. And yeah, he was still under Jin after all, being just one of the medical examiners in Jin's company.
"Oh, he was feeling dizzy so he is taking a nap, I was gonna stop by the gas station so he can take his medicine." Ryu replied.
"I got him a couple of injections, he didn't know it, and it's a bit pricey so he didn't want me to get it. But I stuck it at the pocket of his bag, he needs it on this trip more convenient than those pills that he got. Could you give him the shot?" Kai said, worriedly.
Ryu wanted to cry, this guy sounded that he did really care about Kyo, something he never did show his former lover. "He is scheduled for a gallbladder operation next month, he need his shots to get him through until his operation." Kai informed him.
Ryu gasped. Operation?! So he really isn't faking it! He shot a glance at Kyo. Oh, Kyo, am so sorry, am so, so sorry. I didn't take care of you and loved you as I should. "I- I will, Kai. Thank you." Ryu said.
"Please have him call me when he wakes up. Am about to go to work but I would have my phone with me." Kai said. Ryu said he would and hung up.
He stopped at the side of the road and put his blinkers on. He took the bag from Kyo's arms, Kyo stirred, "Shhh…go back to sleep." He coaxed, looking for the injection.
Ryu met amber eyes, "What are you doing?" Kyo asked weakly, trying to get up.
Ryu pushed him down gently, "Kai called and he said, he packed you some injections in your bag, am looking for it to give you a shot." Ryu replied, almost teary-eyed. You have done so much, and here I am thinking bad things about you. I'm such a fool! Thoughts raced through Ryu's as he fumbled with Kyo's bag.
Kyo's wan face brightened, "Crazy guy, told him not to get it." He mumbled, grabbing his phone.
Kyo dialed Kai's number, Ryu watched Kyo's face transformed, how could he thought that Kyo would stay in love with him forever?
"Hey, it's me." Kyo said, blushing. Ryu wanted to laugh, he is like a teenager with a crush.
"Hey, me. How are you feeling? I miss you." Kai voice softened, he was at the bar already, feeling so energized and happy, cradling the phone, thinking of the wild sex they did the night before. Funny, he never really thought he would go for another guy. And here he is the playboy Kai, flirting with his boyfriend on the phone.
"Probably am just tired because someone kept me up all night last night." Kyo said, with a chortle. There he is laughing again, Ryu observed, he looked at him closely, despite the pallor on his face, he still looked lean and handsome. Suddenly, he wanted it to be the same like before, he wanted to take him away from that guy Kai, Kyo is his. He never ends it with him before.
"Thank you for the injection. I told you, you don't need to get the injections, babe." He said, and blushed deeper, he just called his best friend, babe. Ryu pouted reached for his arm and stuck the needle without warning.
"Oww!" Kyo yelped. "Sorry." Ryu said, rubbing his arm with alcohol pad.
"What's wrong?" Kai asked, worriedly. Kyo looked at Ryu.
"Nothing, babe. Will talk to you later." He said, getting used to calling his best friend with that affectionate term.
"I love you, Kyo, be careful." Kai said, making kissing sound on the phone.
Kyo laughed, "I love you Kai." He said, staring at his phone, hoping the person he was talking to would materialized before him.
Ryu interrupted his thoughts, "Why don't you take a nap, we have a long way to go," Ryu said, touching his arm. Kyo flinched. Ryu withdrew his hand hurt.
"I'm sorry." Kyo said, softly looking away.
"I'm trying here, Kyo. I want to put this behind us, I want us to be friends again. Cut me some slack." Ryu said, almost close to tears.
Kyo laughed, a sarcastic laugh. Shaking his head, "Cut you some slack," he said, facing his former lover, "Cut you some slack. Ryu, are you listening to what you're saying? You want us to be friends. After you cheated on me, dump me, threw me out of my own house and got married and now you're telling me cut you some slack and let's be friends again? Unbelievable." Kyo said, in disgust. Kyo turned and face the window, holding back the tears.
The wind and the snow storm stopped them from going further, so Ryu parked the car in the rest area. Kyo tried his mobile phone but he couldn't get a signal to call Kai.
Ryu grabbed his arm again. Kyo was too weak to shrug it off. "I do love you Kyo." He said.
Tsk…"You have a great way of showing it. Thanks." Kyo said, sarcastically.
"I want us to be back the same way, Kyo." Ryu said.
Kyo looked at him, furiously, wanting to punch him. "I think you're a little too late for that, don't you think? You're forgetting you're married now."
Ryu was quiet. Looking at him with pleading eyes. Kyo punched the dashboard. Breathing so hard.
"Holy smack!" Kyo shouted, couldn't hold back the tears now. Kyo glared at him.
"You're so full of it, Ryu. Just because I put up with you for ten years that doesn't mean I would have an affair with you." I shouted. Putting my hands on my head, shaking. My body began to shake again. I got to be strong, Kai helped me through this, I shouldn't let him down.
"You wanted, too, before." He said, in a small voice.
He reached out and tried to hold me, I shrugged away angrily, "Don't touch me! You've lost that right a long time ago!" I snapped at him.
"Oh, is it because you've got Kai now?" he snapped back.
I laid my head back, my head spinning. Closed my eyes. I need to get this over with. I took breathes.
"Kai is not my lover or my boyfriend. But he is far more than you will ever be in my life." I said, in an even tone. I looked at him, tears streaming down my own face.
"I never wanted to see you again, Ryu. Ever again. But Kai said, we should have closure. I had taken you out of my system. And I want you out of my life for good. I have somehow made myself believed that I have not even met you. Just a passing unknown, unimportant in my life. The same way you treated me." I said, I know each word cuts like a knife.
Ryu whirled around, "You're full of it, you think you're so special that anyone would want you, you think anyone would fall for you. You were just faking it after all these years." He dared accused me.
"I'm not gonna go there if I were you, don't want to embarrassed myself, if I name names and places. I'm just simply a play thing, a passing thing if you got tired of your other lovers." I said.
Ryu grabbed the keychain off the ignition and threw it at my face, "Why do you think I kept this?" he shouted angrily, grabbed the pendant and threw that at me, too, "And this!" He said, opening compartments and threw stuff at me, "If you don't mean anything to me, why do I keep them, even this car, you picked the brand and the color."
My head was spinning, and felt I was gonna throw up, Opened the door, and heaved out the entire meal on the snow covered pavement, I would have fallen in if Ryu didn't grabbed me and pulled me back in the car.
Kyo's face was white as ghost, "I'm sorry, hon, I'm sorry." Ryu whispered, grabbing for the blanket at the back seat. Trying to find my bag and my other syringe.
Kyo passed out as soon as the needle left his arm. Ryu bundled him up, letting him rest, they couldn't go anywhere even if he wanted to take him to the hospital.
He touched his face, crying, he finally realized why he was doing all these stuff, he really love this guy all along, wanting, needing and demanding for his attention. Even if he hurt him, cheated on him, he always ends up where he started, right beside Kyo. He was just so confident that Kyo wouldn't leave him, wouldn't go find another partner and would love him no matter what he does.
"Am so sorry, Kyo. I keep doing this to you. I keep messing up." Ryu cried. How he really wish he could change things.
Kyo's phone rang again. It's Kai. Ryu didn't want to answer it. But he knew that Kai wouldn't stop calling if he didn't.
"Hi, Ryu again. Kyo's sleeping. We're parked in a rest area, there's a snow storm." Ryu said, trying to make his voice sound calm.
"Did he eat? Is he feeling okay?" Kai asked, worriedly.
Ryu wanted to hang up the phone, this guy is pissing him off.
"I'm a licensed nurse, you think I don't know what to do? Who are you anyway, you're not even his boyfriend?" Ryu snapped.
"Licensed my ass, yeah, but you didn't do shit when you guys were together, so I doubt you will do a better job now. I maybe just his room mate and I may have just known him for only six months but, I bet you, I know more about his medical history than you." Kai said, sarcastically.
Ryu was too stunned to reply.
"I don't get it. What makes you so special. I also got a fuck hole like you. Kyo must have bumped his head or something to fall for someone like a selfish bastard like you. Kyo sacrificed everything for you but you threw all of that, took for granted the one person who loves you most." Kai went on and on, Ryu was breathing hard, speechless, because the faceless stranger on the phone was right.
"I'm lucky than you are, Ryu. You maybe with him now. But after your trip, he comes home to me and I got news for you, fuck hole, I'm not letting him go. He might not love me as much as he loves you but, I love him more than he loves you!" Kai said.
"I'm gonna hang up now." Ryu said, finally. But his comeback sounded so weak.
"Go ahead, if Kyo doesn't call me in another hour, pray that he is okay. I tracked Kyo's phone, I know where you are now. If something happened to him, better make sure I won't catch you, I'm gonna skin you alive!" Kai said, and hung up the phone.
Ryu stared at the phone wide-eyed. Kyo stirred, forgetting where he was. He looked at Ryu as if he was dreaming.
"Hi," Ryu greeted. "Hungry?" he asked. Kyo didn't say anything, just looked at him.
"There's a restaurant down the street, wait here, I would get you something to eat." Ryu said, getting out of the car, without waiting for his reply.
Kyo noticed his phone was at the driver's seat. He picked it up and checked, Kai just called. He dialed his refuge.
"Hey," Kyo greeted, his voice gruff.
"Hey, you…are you okay?" Kai asked, worriedly, wanting to see him so back and hold him.
Kyo didn't want to worry him, he knew he wouldn't stop calling him if he told him what really happened.
"I'm okay, fell asleep, so exhausted. Someone kept me up and made me feel so sore, I could hardly walk." Kyo said, with a laugh.
Kai laughed, too, relieved that he is okay. This is what he wants, Kyo thought. Just to be with someone who cares for you just as you are, that's why he doesn't care if they are lovers are not, because he knows Kai cares for him like no one has ever does.
When Ryu got back, and tried to talk to him again. He raised his hand to stop him.
"I used to be so in love with you, Ryu. But that was a different you then, and now, you're in love with a different me. The Kyo you knew then is gone. So let's just leave it at that. Someone is waiting for me back home, and someone is depending on you now. So let's just go on with this trip and leave the past behind. I hope this will be the last time I will see you." Kyo said.
Ryu tried to hold him again, Kyo pulled his hands away gently. "Don't make the same mistake you did then, make it right this time, Ryu. I didn't deserve what you did to me then, Jin doesn't deserve what you're planning to do now." Kyo said, that stopped Ryu.
When they got back to Vegas, Kyo insisted that he will take the next bus heading back to California, back to Kai. He never ached for someone so much before. He ached so desperately to be with Kai, just to hold him and be with him.
It was late when he got back, Kai was already in bed. He got out of his clothes and climbed in the bed, Kai didn't know he took an earlier trip back. Kai was surprised when someone enclosed him in an embraced and kiss the back of his nape, "Hey." Kyo whispered. "Hmmm…your home early." Kai said, in a sleepy voice and faced Kyo, and kissed him. "Yeah, was lonely for you." Kyo said, and their lips met. "Welcome home." Kai said. Yes, home. Kyo thought. And felt safe and warm in Kai's arms.
Owari