Chapter 3:
Of a Husband's Loss, a Father's Loss, and More Tavington
Benjamin: (gasp) Tavington!
Gabriel: Father, he cannot see you.
Benjamin: (tears well up in his eyes) Gabriel! That is the smartest thing you've ever said! (hugs him and weeps)
WOODEN ROAD – Day
Benjamin: Ride! The Dragoons are coming straight for us!
Dragoons: We see you, Rebel Scum!
Benjamin: To the swamp!
Five minutes later...
DeLancey: They're still following us!
Dragoons: We're still following you, Rebel Scum!
Tavington: I'm covered in mud and I've had enough! Ewwyuch…it's in my hair…There are easier ways to run out a stupid fox!
Dragoon: There are easier ways to run out a stupid fox!
Tavington: Will you stop copying me?!!
Dragoons: Stop copying me?!!
Tavington: SHUT UP!!!
Benjamin and the others in hiding begin to snicker and giggle.
Tavington: (near tears) Back to the main road…
After the Dragoons leave, Benjamin and his militia leave their hiding places in the swamp.
Benjamin: Do you guys know what this means?
Gabriel: We can make baskets from these swamp reeds?
Benjamin: No, you fool! It means we must form some sort of devious plan to get our wounded back from Cornwallis!
FORT CAROLINA – Day
Benjamin strolls casually through open gates to see Cornwallis.
Cornwallis: I see you've returned my dogs.
Jupiter, Mars: Stupid, fat man…
Benjamin: Yes, sir. And now to negotiate the return of my farm-Ah, soldiers.
Cornwallis: Why?
Benjamin: Because, you old coot, I have eighteen of your men on a hilltop awaiting certain death unless you make the exchange. (goofy, painfully obvious "I know something you don't know" smile)
Cornwallis: Their names and ranks?
Benjamin: Sadly, they refused. One of them said that the Corncob wouldn't drop its kernels. That's all I can give.
(Cue Tavington and his cheeks.)
Cornwallis: Make the exchange!
Benjamin: Don't you remember me?
Tavington: Should I?
Benjamin: Like your brother's uncle's sister.
Tavington: Oh, yes! I remember. You're the farmer…with the farm and that stupid little farm boy!
Benjamin: I will kill you.
Tavington: Not if I kill you first.
Benjamin: Is that a challenge?
Tavington: Maybe.
Benjamin: Yes or no?
Tavington: Yes or no?
Benjamin: Fool.
Tavington: DISRESPECT! Cornwallis, have this farmer arrested!
Cornwallis, Benjamin: Oh, shut up!
Tavington: (cry)
FIELD – Day
Redcoat #1: These aren't prisoners!
Redcoat #2: They're merely scarecrows!
Redcoat #3: And they're not wearing any underwear!
Redcoat #1: Tavington will kill us for this!
Redcoat #2: Rock, paper, scissors to determine who shall tell him.
(Redcoat #1 loses)
Redcoat #2: Haha!
CORNWALLIS' OFFICE – Day
Redcoat #1: One of our officers, sir. (holds up scarecrow; his head lolls to one side and hits the floor with a stumpy noise)
Cornwallis: Where are the real men?
Redcoat #3: Sir, if I may…My belief is that they turned our officers into scarecrows using some sort of indigenous black magic and then made off with their undergarments!
Tavington: (Thwacks him upside the head)
Cornwallis: I'm surrounded…
Tavington: As am I.
AUNT CHARLOTTE'S PLANTATION – Night
Aunt Charlotte: The British are coming! Everyone in the basement quick!
Samuel: Go, so I can stay behind and almost get killed.
Tavington: Hmm… (touches candle) SHHhsshs…Oww!
Samuel: (Hides under the table and, like an idiot, loads his gun, making a series of really loud noises)
Tavington: (Looks under the table – growls – ooh, sexy) It never works… (stomps off) FIRE THE HOUSE!
Dragoons: FIRE THE HOUSE!
Tavington: Wait 'till I'm outside…!
SHANTY TOWN – Night
Gabriel: Here are some letters.
Aunt Charlotte: Thank you. Are they for us?
Gabriel: No.
Aunt Charlotte: Oh. Who are they for?
Gabriel: I don't remember.
Aunt Charlotte: You aren't very good at this are you?
Susan: Why didn't father come?
Gabriel: He's, uh, busy.
Susan: Liar.
Gabriel: So, how long have you been talking for?
Susan: I hate him.
Gabriel: You don't really hate him, do you?
Susan: Yes.
Gabriel: Well, that's good enough for me!
Susan: (runs away)
Aunt Charlotte: She runs just like that poor postman…
MARTIN'S ENCAMPMENT – Day
Benjamin: She talked?! Susan actually talked? And I thought she was going to be a mute…
Gabriel: (stuffing his face full of Twix) Full sentences.
Benjamin: What'd she say?
Gabriel: (Thinks hard; face scrunches up as if his brain were about to implode. More Twix)
Benjamin: Gabriel?
Gabriel: She said she, uh, loves you, and uh, can't wait to, uh, see you again.
Benjamin: WOW! I'm so proud! (hugs himself)
SHANTY TOWN – Night
Benjamin: I've returned!
Benjamin's Children: Papa, you're home!
Susan: (silence)
Benjamin: Hi, Susan!
Susan: (runs away)
Benjamin: (Grabs Gabriel by the collar, throttling him) YOU LIAR!! PIG!! BUTTMUNCH!!
Gabriel: (making little throttling noises)
Benjamin: You said she couldn't wait to see me!!
Gabriel: Maybe she's so happy she can't speak!
Benjamin: (Drops Gabriel) Hmm, I didn't think of that.
Gabriel: Oh, and Anne and I are getting married.
Benjamin: (Faints)
SHANTY TOWN – Like 15 minutes later…
Reverend Oliver: Kiss, kiss.
Anne, Gabriel: Kiss, kiss.
Benjamin: (Cries into his hanky) Weddings are so b-eautiful!
SHANTY TOWN – Day
Benjamin: Well, I'm off again. Goodbye!
(Benjamin and Charlotte swap saliva…among other things)
Benjamin's Children: Eww. (trauma)
Benjamin: Susan, can you say goodbye?
Susan: (blank stare and more silence)
Benjamin: Fine.
Susan: Father! Father!
Benjamin: (falls off his horse from shock – or maybe just from leftovers from a bad case of vertigo in the 2nd grade) Now you decide to talk!
Benjamin, Susan: (hug and cry together; she blows her nose in his shirt)
PATRIOT ENCAMPMENT – Night
Benjamin: Who came back?
Reverend Oliver: Less than a third.
Benjamin: DeLancey?
Reverend Oliver: Last time I saw him, he was over there (points in the direction of a scarcely populated forest of poison oak and skinny, whipping trees) taking a leak.
Benjamin: Trust the French, he says.
DeLancey: I did say that, didn't I?
Benjamin: Teehee.
PEMBROKE – Day
Tavington: Alright, everyone into the church!
Towns Folk: Why should we?
Tavington: I've got candy!
Towns Folk: Yay!
Tavington: Lock them in and burn the church.
Towns Folk: (Die…with their candy)
PEMBROKE – Afternoon
Gabriel: My wife is dead. (goes crazy and runs off with a few other men) REVEEEENGE!
OPEN ROLLING HILLS – Late Afternoon
(Tavington is sitting by a babbling creek, shirt open, hair down…how many of your fantasies have started like that?)Tavington: Ah, nothing like a good shave, especially when I don't need it.
(Gabriel and his men attack)
Gabriel: You killed my wife! (shoots Tavington)
Tavington: (fakes death – teehee!)
Gabriel: Now to finish him off, even though I should just walk away…
Tavington: Huah! (stabs Gabriel)
Gabriel: (gurgle) I'm too beautiful to die!
Benjamin: (cries)