Chapter 36
"Miss Armilla! Docky is needing to give you something, Miss Armilla! Wake up, Miss Armilla!"
I grunted, half-asleep, and rolled over. It wasn't much use to try and keep sleeping though, especially when the elf was insistent on vigorously wringing my hand.
"Go 'way, Docky," I grumbled, squeezing my eyes shut.
"But Docky will be in trouble if you doesn't get up, Miss Armilla!" the elf squeaked. "Master Severus sent me to wake you up ten minutes ago…but Docky got delayed, Miss."
Severus. Memories of the night before flooded back into my mind.
"Ohhhhh," I moaned, rubbing my eyes, thinking about having woken up in the middle of a wrestling match with my brother. Snape had been decent really, albeit his usual gruff self.
My stomach churned in embarrassment as I remembered crying in front of him as he had untangled my bed sheets. It was he who had set everything straight. It was he who had identified all my emotional problems. It was he who had said that I would not get through the whole Shar fiasco until I admitted I could not do it alone.
The whole time though, he had been so…Snape about everything. He had still sneered, he had still mocked, he had still glared and he had still made sure to mention the puddle dream like it was a little game of 'how many times a week can I remind you of that really embarrassing and utterly ridiculous puddle dream?' And yet, while he had fumed at me and made sarcastic comments, he had stayed with me and helped me to sleep.
He could have told me to stop being so emotional before storming out of the room in a huff. Whatever charm he had been muttering when I was falling asleep must have been really effective though; the nightmares hadn't returned.
"Do wake up, Miss Armilla!" Docky pulled on my hand and then swung himself up onto the bed and began jumping up and down. "Wheeee!"
Resigned to the fact that there was no hope in sleeping in now, I blearily opened my eyes to watch Docky jumping around on my bed, clutching an envelope in his hands.
"Alright," I said tiredly, sitting up. "I'm awake, Docky."
"Yes, indeed she is, Docky," came an annoyed voice. I quickly turned my gaze to see Snape standing in the doorway, looking irritated. "For heaven's sake, stop jumping on the bed, Docky! I told you years ago it would not do in this household."
Docky immediately stopped.
"Yes, Master Severus, sir," Docky said brightly, though his bottom lip trembled a little.
Snape rolled his eyes, his expression quite ill-natured. "Do tell me," he said, his eyes flitting between the two of us. "Who am I to blame for Armilla having just woken up now when I gave directions to Docky to wake her over ten minutes ago?"
He scowled at us, waiting for an answer. Definitely not a morning person.
I glanced at Docky, who bowed slightly to Snape, his ears drooping a little.
"Docky accepts full responsibility, Master Severus," he said, meekly. "Docky only came into Miss Armilla's room just now. It is not Miss Armilla's fault, Master Severus, sir. Docky got delayed after you gave him the direction to wake your sister, sir."
"Delayed?" asked Snape abruptly, raising an eyebrow. "Explain yourself, Docky."
Docky straightened up again. "Yes, Master Severus. Docky was coming down the hallway, sir, when he saw an owl fly in the open window. Docky stopped the owl, sir, as it was big and vicious and it was flying towards Miss Armilla's room."
"Big and vicious?" Snape repeated, striding into the room. He stopped at the foot of the bed, peering closely at the house elf. "How did you get those scratches, Docky?" he asked sternly.
"Docky fought with the owl, sir, to get the letter. Docky did not want that owl to fly into Miss Armilla's bedroom, sir. Docky recognised the owl, Master Severus. It was from Snape Manor, sir." The house elf was positively quivering under Snape's hard gaze.
I starting chewing my bottom lip. Another letter from my father? What had I done now? I immediately began thinking of the welts on my face and hands that were the result of the last letter.
Docky suddenly turned to look at me. "Docky is sorry to be stopping your mail from coming into your bedroom, Miss Armilla. But Docky doesn't trust Snape Manor owls."
I nodded, still chewing my lip and eyeing the envelope in Docky's hand with apprehension.
"Docky is sorry to be making Miss Armilla bite her lip," said Docky, his large eyes wide.
"She always bites her lip when she's anxious," said Snape vaguely, his gaze focused on the envelope in Docky's hand.
"Miss Hazel used to bite her lip," Docky said thoughtfully. "She used to make her lip bleed, Miss Armilla. Master Severus used to-"
"Enough!" Snape snapped. "You may leave the envelope on the bed, Docky, and then you may return to the kitchen where you will heal yourself straightaway. Understood?"
"Yes, Master Severus, sir!" Docky squeaked, dropping the envelope onto the bed. He jumped off the bed and sped out of the room at high speed.
Snape closed his eyes in frustration as we heard the elf slow down in the hallway, muttering to himself about decorum.
I kept my eyes on the envelope barely six inches from where I was sitting cross-legged on the bed.
"I wonder what your loving father has to say now," said Snape, opening his eyes to look down at me.
"I swear I haven't done anything wrong this time," I insisted, pushing back the trepidation inside me.
"You didn't do anything wrong the last time either," he scoffed. "Father looks for things. However, you never know, it might just be a social letter."
He took out his wand, pointed it at the letter and began muttering charms. The letter came out of the envelope and lay folded on the bed. After a few moments, Snape lowered his wand and nodded at me.
"Go on, then. It's fine."
I picked it up and paused, staring at the folded letter in my hand. Instead of opening it, I held it out to my brother.
Sighing, Snape took the hint and accepted the letter from my outstretched hand. Sitting down on the bed, he unfolded it and began to read aloud.
Dear Armilla,
I hope this letter finds you in the best health. I am as well as old-age permits, but am strengthened each morning when I think that I am a day closer to seeing you again.
Snape stopped abruptly, his lip curling. "Bloody hell," he muttered to himself.
Of course, I am happily anticipating your return home here the day after Christmas. I am sure your dear brother will gladly relinquish his care of you for awhile and I am looking forward to getting to know you without your brother's presence.
"I'm sure you are," Snape muttered. He looked sideways at me. "Breathe, Armilla."
I let out a breath, realising that I had been subconsciously holding it in.
To celebrate your presence here at last, I am hosting a party on the 29th in your honour. I have already received a large number of acceptances from many friends, who are just as pleased to be welcoming you into our midst. Make sure you come with decent quality dress robes. I have enclosed some money to buy them as your Christmas present.
I look forward to seeing you on the 26th, when we will celebrate our own Christmas a day late.
Wishing you a happy Christmas,
Your loving father
Snape didn't look at me. He took his time rereading the letter, and then slowly folding it up again, with the money inside that had fallen out of the letter.
I concentrated very hard on not chewing my lip. How could I relax now? A party held in my honour? How many Death Eaters and their children would be there?
Finally, Snape turned to look at me. "I suppose we'll have to fit shopping for dress robes in today's schedule," he said, his eyes flashing with anger.
"I have dress robes," I replied. "I had to have them for the Yule Ball last year."
"When Father says decent dress robes," Snape said, sneering. "He doesn't mean from Madam Malkin's, where no doubt you got yours like any other normal witch. He means dress robes from a higher profile place and he will want a receipt to prove it."
"That's a waste of money," I grumbled.
"Indeed it is," he agreed, crumpling the letter in his hands, "but you will have to have them or suffer Father's displeasure upon your arrival without them."
I sighed.
"We'll talk about this later," he said, standing up. "We have an even busier day ahead of us now and I want to leave soon. Get dressed and come downstairs for breakfast. Wear something warm – it snowed last night."
o
Half an hour later we were back in the carriage we had arrived in yesterday, riding back to the nearest spot to disapparate.
As usual, Snape was silent. I wondered if he was brooding about Father's letter. The letter certainly worried me, that and Shar's face in my mind. Every time I glanced at the piano I saw the man in my mind and it felt like my heart skipped a beat.
"What are Father's parties like?" I asked suddenly, breaking my gaze from the window to look at my brother.
Snape considered me for a moment, his expression unfathomable. "Generally, people like Father hold parties to show others how much they've got," he said quietly. "What they've got in terms of material wealth," he added as an afterthought. "I daresay Father sees you as a possession that he wants to show off, especially to the families with adolescent single sons he can negotiate a good deal with."
I met his gaze, alarmed.
"But-"
He waved a hand aside, impatiently.
"Do not think on it, Armilla," he said, sneering. "Keep in mind that your father is not the only person with custody of you. Believe me, there will be no agreement with any family."
"Never?" I asked, trepidation very clear in my voice.
Snape regarded me with an impassive face. "I assure you, that as long as I am living, you will never be forced into any marriage. Marriage is not for everybody, but for those who seek it, it should be with their consent."
I nodded, still worried about Father lining up potential suitors just for the fun of it at the party.
The carriage came to a halt and we climbed out and began walking to the forest clearing. We walked along in silence, trudging through the snow. It was freezing, but I welcomed the fresh breeze.
We reached the clearing and Snape turned to face me, holding his hands out to me. "Ready?"
"What if I said no?" I asked dryly.
He gave me a mocking smile. "I'd say that's unfortunate as disapparating unawares is rather more unpleasant."
Sighing, I placed my hands in his, gazing at him resignedly.
Snape gripped my hands tightly. "Let's go."
I hadn't enjoyed the sensation of disapparating and apparating the day before, but the shock of the experience was slightly more subdued this time. I was thankful that I was holding onto Snape with both hands this time.
We appeared in a very clean, curved cobbled street surrounded by shops.
"You didn't handle that too badly," Snape commented, as I let out a sigh of relief. He released my hands and looked around.
We were in Preston Parade, London. Though I had never actually walked down this street, I had often bypassed it on my way to Diagon Alley. Merle and I had never shopped here. Merle had lived comfortably, but she had refused to shop in this street, where witches and wizards spent ridiculous amounts of money on clothing. Glancing around, I noticed most of the shops were far from cluttered; clearly the owners opted for spacious shops to show off a smaller range of expensive items.
"Come," my brother instructed, leading the way. "We'll get your dress robes first."
"Does Father expect all my things to come from this street?" I asked, walking alongside him.
"If he does, he'll be sadly disappointed," Snape replied, derisively, glaring at a passing witch who was sporting a fluffy magenta boa around her neck.
I followed him into a shop called Alethia Courtney Boutique. It was a bright little shop, with racks of dress robes for witches lining the walls. A tall skinny witch in deep purple silk robes looked up from the counter. She immediately looked both Snape and I up and down, and raised her chin slightly too high, so she had to look down her nose.
"Ah," she said, lightly. "Good Morning. My name is Alethia Courtney." The slight sneer on her face sounded as if she didn't mean us a good morning at all. Personally, I thought she was offended that Snape and I weren't wearing velvet cloaks with silk lining. Snape was clad in his usual black, and I was wearing my burgundy cloak over a black top with jeans. Perhaps we didn't look aristocratic enough, though Snape always seemed to have a superior air to me.
Snape didn't return the greeting or introduce himself, but he returned the sneering look. Alethia looked startled for a moment, but then recovered herself, clasping her hands in front of her.
"Is the young lady here in need of new dress robes?" she enquired, using a falsely polite voice.
"She is," Snape replied, curtly. "Simple dress robes suitable for dinner parties. Nothing fancy."
Her face fell slightly. She turned to face me, again looking me up and down.
"Well you should consider selecting a shade to suit your own colouring," she said. She gestured to the robes lining the wall. "But is there a colour you wanted in particular, dear?"
"Not pink," Snape muttered in my ear.
Alethia glared. "I wouldn't say pink is her colour anyway," she said sourly, staring at Snape, "though I would not recommend black, either. Her hair and eyes are dark enough."
This time it was Snape's turn to glare, having clearly understood that the jab was intended for him. I waited for him to tell me that we were going and we would purchase the robes elsewhere, but he contented himself with just glaring at the witch.
I scanned the colours of the robes, looking for something appealing.
"What about scarlet?" I suggested, gesturing to the robes near the witch.
Snape scowled. "Too Gryffindor," he said darkly.
I stared at him, wondering how serious he was. The scowl remained and I knew he wasn't going to consider scarlet robes.
I turned back to the robes, looking for another colour. Snape walked along the wall as well, his face impassive as he looked down his hooked nose at the robes.
"What about green?" he said, nodding towards the dark green silk robes next to him.
I shook my head.
"Why not?"
"Too Slytherin," I replied, evenly.
Snape narrowed his eyes, his lip curled. "Touché," he muttered, turning back to the robes.
"She'll look lovely in red," Alethia simpered, pointing to bright red, lacy robes.
"No," Snape and I said in unison.
Alethia looked affronted. "My, we are picky," she said, folding her arms.
I gave her a small smile. "I don't like bright colours," I said, quietly.
"I see," she said, looking between Snape and I. "Well, I guess that rules out yellow."
We returned our gazes to the racks and I hid my smile when I saw my brother's irritated expression. Lisa would never believe me if I told her that I had spent the morning shopping for dress robes with Snape.
"What about this?" I suggested, gesturing to the cerulean robes near me.
Snape came over to look at them, his brow furrowed. "What colour did you wear to the Yule Ball last year?"
"Blue," I admitted.
I thought back to the year before when Lisa, Terry and I had been out in the grounds during the ball, each of us keen to escape the blaring music in the Great Hall. Snape had been outside as well, catching students sneaking off behind bushes. Durmstrang's horrid headmaster, Karkaroff, had been with him at the time. As Snape had clearly been in a foul mood, no doubt because the Yule Ball wasn't his scene, my friends and I had tried very hard to avoid him when we'd spotted him nearby.
Snape shook his head. "Let's not remind Father or his guests that you're a Ravenclaw," he said in a low voice to me.
I supposed he had a point; it might look like I was making a statement. Father also didn't need another reminder that I had been sorted into my mother's House.
I moved along the racks and stopped when I spotted satin and organza robes of a deep berry colour. They were elegant robes, without being too fancy.
"Ah, you will look radiant in these," Alethia crooned, coming to my side.
I looked over at my brother. He cast his eyes over to the robes and gave a curt nod. Clearly, he was keen for this exercise to be over.
"Let's try them on you then," Alethia chirped, feigning far more excitement than the situation called for.
I scowled, following her to the fitting room at the back of the shop. I tried to change as quickly as I could, feeling the awkward tension in the shop. Alethia came in when I had changed and waved her wand to ensure that the robes adjusted themselves to my frame.
"Lovely," she said, with a sickly smile, as I looked in the mirror. The truth was, despite the ridiculous cost, I did really like them.
Feeling self-conscious, I walked back into the shop to show my brother.
Snape was standing in the middle of the room with his arms folded, probably wishing he could be anywhere else. When he noticed my presence, he turned to look at me properly, casting his eyes over the dress robes.
"Well?" Alethia pressed him, giving him what she must have thought was a charming smile. "Surely you cannot object?"
Snape merely nodded. "Acceptable," he said.
Alethia's face fell, but I knew my brother wasn't being cold.
o
Ten minutes later later, we finally left the shop, having bought the dress robes. As happy as she would have been to make the sale, I was sure Alethia Courtney had been glad to see the back of us.
We went to Diagon Alley, where we stopped in at the apothecary as Snape needed to make alterations to a recent Potions order for the school supplies. There were many people about in Diagon Alley, and a couple of people I didn't know nodded at Snape as they passed. I wondered if they were old school friends, Slytherin parents or Order members.
"Where are we going now?" I asked, after we had left the apothecary.
"Knockturn Alley," Snape murmured as we turned down a dark lane leading towards Knockturn Alley, "so stay close. The wizard-folk there aren't to be trusted."
I moved closer to him as we stepped into Knockturn Alley. I noticed the change in clientele straightaway. Snape had been perfectly justified in telling me to stay close. The witches and wizards in the street clutched their shopping protectively, sneaking peeks at the people who passed them. There were a number of small huddles in dark corners, where private deals were taking place. A few loners drifted about, leering at the people who passed them.
One stout, drunken wizard in particular was making sleazy remarks at witches as they passed. The witches firmly looked the other way. The wizard in question gestured at me as we passed, muttering something incoherent to himself and Snape grabbed my hand and pulled me to the other side of him.
"I wouldn't have brought you here," he said quietly, letting go of my hand, "but we do need to buy Father a Christmas present from you."
"Won't he know I shopped in Knockturn Alley for it?" I asked, feeling sick at the thought of Christmas celebrations with my father.
"I doubt he would care," Snape muttered as we stopped in front of a shop called Diemen's.
"Do you have something in mind?"
"I do," Snape replied, quietly, as we stepped inside. "There could be some dangerous items in here, so don't touch anything."
I nodded, looking around the shop. It was quite dark inside and the shelves were full of many items I couldn't identify. Snape seemed to know exactly what he was looking for as he swept along the aisles, briefly scanning the contents on the shelves. Finally, he stopped in front of a shelf lined with small polished wooden boxes. He picked up one of the boxes and opened the lid, examining the contents. Nodding, he lowered the box to show me what was inside.
The box was lined in dark blue velvet and it contained a number of round pieces of glass, sitting vertically in the box so each one could be pulled out without disturbing the others.
"They're magical lenses," Snape explained. "They are a very recent product and a great improvement on the other forms of lenses preceding these ones."
"What are they for?" I asked softly, staring into the box at the lenses.
"They are designed to fit any telescope," he responded, taking a lens out of the box to show me. "Father is immensely interested in Astronomy. There are a number of telescopes at his house. These lenses differ from the regular lens on a telescope in that there are more powerful charms within them, allowing them to provide more information. Specific lenses here can point the telescope to a certain area one wishes to examine simply on command once it is attached to the telescope. Print can appear on it, detailing what you are looking at. They are also more advanced in zooming in and out on whatever the person is looking at and they can zoom right through clouds."
Snape paused, placing the lens back in the box. "They do many things, and I know Father will be pleased to have them." He frowned as he placed the lid back on the box.
I watched him, silently.
"Are you happy to give him this?" He asked, still frowning.
"Yes, but he'll know you told me that he liked Astronomy," I pointed out.
"I'd say he would expect that you would have asked questions," he replied, moving towards the counter to pay for the lenses.
"Am I supposed to show an interest in Astronomy?" I asked, following him.
Snape snorted. "It depends how many nights you want to stay up late writing notes for him while he's using his telescopes."
"Oh. I'll show a minimal amount then."
He glanced sideways at me. "Wise decision," he murmured.
When we exited the shop a few minutes later, I immediately moved close to Snape again as I spotted the drunken wizard staggering along towards us.
Snape veered off to the left slightly, so four or five other witches and wizards separated us from the intoxicated wizard. "Damn drunks," he muttered to himself as we passed.
"Why aren't those lenses sold outside Knockturn Alley?" I asked. "They don't seem to have dark magic."
"They don't," my brother replied, his eyes sweeping the titles in the window of a secondhand bookshop. "The owner simply happens to have an interest in Astronomy that rivals Father's. Not all items sold in Knockturn Alley are suspicious." He stopped and turned to me. "Before we leave, is there anything here you need?"
I shook my head. "No."
I didn't really need anything, but would feel a little strange asking my brother to buy me things. It was something I would have to get used to.
Snape nodded and we continued on to the end of the street.
"Are we going home now?" I asked, when we had stopped in a deserted area.
Snape glanced down at me, a small flash of surprise on his face. As usual, he recovered so quickly that I thought I must have imagined the look. A second later, I realised what had caught the man by surprise; I had referred to Merrigan Hall as home.
"No, we're not going home yet," he answered, watching me closely. "We have one more place to visit."
He shrunk the shopping down, placed them in his pocket and held his hands out to me again. I gripped them tightly, looking at him suspiciously.
A few rather unpleasant seconds later, we appeared in the middle of a cemetery. I recognised the place straightaway; I had been here recently. Merle was buried here.
An all too familiar lump settled at the pit of my stomach. I wasn't ready for this; it was too soon. The memory of sitting with Merle as she had died was still so fresh in my mind. It wasn't just that which disturbed me; being here brought back all the pain from my last few encounters with Shar. He had spoken to me here in this cemetery, shortly before he had attacked me at home.
"I knew Merle for fifty odd years," muttered Shar, as though he was speaking to no one in particular. "I was one of her closest companions before you came along. I should be very interested in knowing what has been left to me in her will. That is, I expect to be informed."
I shuddered, the memory haunting me. I wondered what Snape meant by bringing me here. I looked up at him inquiringly.
He was gazing at all the head stones around him. After a moment he looked down at me. "I should like you to show me Merle's grave," he said quietly, offering no more explanation.
Silently, I let go of his hands and led the way to Merle's grave. Snape walked closely behind me, also in silence.
"There," I said softly, stopping in front of the gravestone. It had been magically constructed when Merle had been buried, but seeing it still brought a wave of emotions back.
Merle Gladys Kemp
31st August, 1914 – 17th October 1995
Snape stopped next to me, also looking at the gravestone. We stood in silence for several minutes. My emotions kept running from one extreme to the other. At one moment, I would be thinking about happy memories like Merle dressing up as a fairy for my birthday, and then the next moment, I would be reliving the day I had lied to Merle about why I didn't want to play the piano. That would bring forth a lot of Shar-related memories and I really wasn't ready to be dealing with that again. The nightmare I had had the night before had told me that much.
After a while, I could practically feel Snape gazing at me. Finally taking my eyes away from the gravestone, I looked up at him.
"Why did we have to come here?" I asked, determined to keep my voice even.
"For a number of reasons," he replied, giving me a shrewd look. "How do you feel about being here?"
"Uncomfortable," I said bluntly, looking away.
"Without a doubt that discomfort will lessen each time you come," he said.
I didn't look at him. I was annoyed with him for bringing me here. It forced me to relive memories that I would rather not think about.
"What makes you feel uncomfortable?" he pressed, using a tone very much like the questioning tone he used in the Potions classroom.
I shook my head. "I don't know," I said wearily. "Maybe…I…I feel all these different things being here…I can't explain it."
"Good or bad feelings?"
"Both, I suppose…" I kept staring at Merle's name.
"What do you see in your mind when you are looking at that gravestone?" Snape asked quietly.
"I see Merle," I whispered. "I see all these memories…I keep reliving the moment she died."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Snape move slightly closer.
"It seems to me," he said, "that though Merle passed on only a short while ago, you are no closer to accepting the fact that she has died now than you were in the days following her death."
I bit my lip.
"Am I correct?"
I paused, staring ahead. Finally, I nodded.
"I shared my view on the matter with you last night," he went on, moving closer, "and I do not wish to cause you further pain by speaking of Shar, but I believe it is necessary."
I clenched my fists, looking away as anger crept up inside me. "No. I don't want to talk about him."
"I know you don't," Snape said simply, seeming unconcerned by my fury, "but we will, just the same. If not today, another day."
I glared at him. "No."
He raised an eyebrow and I looked away again, blinking back angry tears.
"You need to talk about it," he stated, edging closer still.
I shook my head furiously. "I don't need-"
"Armilla." I heard the dangerous tone of warning in my brother's voice and I looked up at him. He was regarding me with a frown, but there was something determined about his expression. "I think you would agree that your current tactic of complete avoidance is not doing you any favours."
I looked over at the headstone again, hastily wiping my face.
There was a moment's silence before Snape spoke again. "We will talk about it, Armilla," he said firmly, "but you may decide when."
I kept my eyes on the grave, images of both Merle and Shar coming together. I shuddered as the memory of Shar in Merle's kitchen came flashing into my mind as fresh as if it had happened minutes earlier.
"I believe your sense of security was damaged that day," Snape said quietly. "Merle had just died, leaving you without a guardian. Alone in your childhood home, you were then set upon by your neighbour. And I think you would agree that you've not felt secure since then."
I looked up at him, anxiety creeping through me. My brother was looking down at me with an impassive expression, but there was something in his eyes that I hadn't seen before.
"We will talk about it," he repeated softly. "When you feel ready, I will listen."
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I looked at Merle's grave. I wasn't sure whom my tears were for now.
A moment later I felt Snape take my hand. "Come," he said, turning to face me as he reached for my other hand. "Let's go home."
o
The ride in the carriage back to Merrigan Hall was silent, each of us lost in thought.
I had avoided the topic of Shar since speaking about the attack with Dumbledore in the Secret Wing. I was convinced that speaking about it would only make things worse; Shar had been dominating my thoughts for a long time now. I didn't want it to get worse, especially when I had my upcoming visit to Father's house to deal with as well. I had thought that by pushing painful memories to the back of my mind, they would eventually fade. Those memories had other ideas.
I just didn't know how talking to Snape about it would help. He couldn't change what had happened. He couldn't make my memories of that vile man fade.
What have you got to lose? a voice in my head said. Snape is right...your current strategy of not talking about it hasn't been effective, has it? Look at what happened last night, and the night before...and many nights before that...
But speaking with Snape? Actually confiding in Snape? I still wasn't sure about that. I felt safe with him, but I didn't know if I was ready to really talk to him. Most of our conversations in the past month or so had been strictly on the defensive spells he'd been teaching me, Occlumency, Father or school work.
What have you got to lose? the voice repeated again.
Snape left me to myself when we arrived back home, saying he would see me in half an hour for lunch. He'd walked towards his study, with Docky bouncing at his heels, chattering away about some overgrown plant in one of the greenhouses.
It was when we sat down to lunch that I decided to throw caution to the wind and let my vulnerability out completely.
"I do feel secure with you," I said quietly, looking over at my brother.
Snape paused, looking down at his meal. Then he raised his eyes to meet mine, his expression hard to read.
"In the cemetery, you said that you think I haven't felt secure since what happened with Shar," I went on, trying to push the churning feeling in my stomach away. "It's because I feel secure with you that I feel worried all the time." I paused, taking a breath. "Security can be taken away at any moment."
Snape gazed at me for a moment before speaking. "It can," he acknowledged, his voice low, "but that does not mean that one shouldn't seek it."
"I didn't want to let myself feel secure," I admitted. "I thought it would make going to Father's house seem more bearable."
My brother shook his head. "No wizard, or witch in your case, is an island, Armilla," he said seriously. "You have to depend on someone."
We were silent for a few moments as we returned to our meal.
"Alright," I said softly.
Snape looked up from his lunch. "Alright what?"
I looked over at him, feeling resolute. "I thought I could handle what happened on my own, but it's too hard."
"That's because you don't talk to anyone about your worries," he replied. "But we have already spoken about this."
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I can't do it by myself anymore."
Snape considered me, his black eyes fixed intently on mine. "And what do you suggest that you do about that?"
I stared at him for a moment. "Ask you for help," I said finally, my voice wavering, as the tears threatened to make their presence known.
He put his fork down. "Don't tell me that you're willing to depend on me for something?" he asked sardonically.
"I depend on you now," I said, wiping an escaped tear away. "I've depended on you for awhile."
His hard expression faded slightly. "I'm glad you've finally admitted it," he said, sternly. "Now we can work towards putting that fool behind you and ultimately, accepting Merle's death."
I nodded, wiping another tear away.
We were silent again for a few minutes and I reluctantly picked at my lunch, not feeling hungry.
"Since you're clearly not interested in eating," Snape said finally, glancing at my plate, "would you like to tell me about Shar?"
I paused, pushing a roast potato around on my plate. "He barely leaves my mind."
"I inferred as much from our Occlumency lessons," he replied. "Considering what happened, it's hardly surprising."
I looked down at my plate again.
"Shar lived next door from when you were very young?" my brother asked quietly.
I nodded. "He lived next door to Merle for years before I lived with her."
"And you have early memories of not liking him?" Snape had paused and was watching me intently.
I nodded again. "He didn't like me either. He wanted Merle's attention for himself." I finally looked at my brother. "I was in the way."
Snape's expression was a little hard to read again. "When you gave your account of Shar's attack to Professor Dumbledore in the Secret Wing," he said slowly, "you agreed with the Headmaster that it was unexpected. Am I to assume from this that Shar had never been violent towards you before?"
"He'd never been violent," I said thoughtfully, feeling uncomfortable as more memories of Shar came swarming into my mind. "It was more the way he used to look at me, especially when Merle's back was turned."
Snape gave a slight nod, though he didn't look convinced. "And you can assure me that he had never physically hurt you before Merle's death?"
I nodded. "He only turned violent once he realised that Merle hadn't left him anything in her will. I think, the way he saw it, he would have been left everything if Merle hadn't taken me in."
I paused, as a buried thought came to the surface. "Maybe he felt I was never truly hers and therefore didn't deserve to inherit anything."
Snape frowned. "And what do you think Merle would say to that, if she were here?"
I shook my head. "I know she'd disagree..."
He fixed me with a stern look. "For that time period, Armilla, you were Merle's. Do not entertain any thought that will persuade you to the contrary."
I stared back at him, feeling tired all of a sudden.
"It hardly needs to be said," my brother went on, his eyes still fixed on mine, "that you did not deserve what happened to you. And it is not something you will continue to deal with on your own. My hope is that, with time, the impact of what happened will lessen for you."
I nodded.
"You must allow yourself to feel the emotions that you should when you're in a safe space," Snape instructed, "no matter how overwhelming or volatile they may seem. Pushing them behind a raised mental shield will only make them grow and spill over when you lower it again."
He gave me a knowing look and I flushed.
"I would like you to stay in our quarters on Friday evenings after our lessons," he said, turning back to his food. "To remind you that it is not just a place for lessons."
I nodded, finding that this idea didn't bother me at all. "Alright."
We were silent again and Snape turned back to his lunch.
"I have some pruning to do in one of the greenhouses after lunch," he said, his tone returning to its 'business as usual' mode. "There's plenty of jobs to do in there if you wish to join me, but the choice is yours."
I did have an interest in seeing the greenhouses, especially as I hadn't seen much of the grounds yet. I especially wanted to see if the contents of Snape's greenhouses rivalled those of Professor Sprout.
"I'll come," I said.
"Good," my brother replied. He nodded at my plate. "Eat your lunch and then we'll head outside."