Chapter 5 — Finally Understanding

Disclaimer: I own this bottle of Clinique "dramatically different moisturizing lotion" that is sitting on my desk. It is a cheery shade of yellow and it makes your skin nice and soft, but it smells kinda weird. Anyway, while we're on topic of things I own, everything below I do not.

Author's Note: This chapter got posted earlier than expected due to airplane flight rescheduling. (Airplane flight rescheduling that I am not happy about, thank you very much!) But I am leaving tomorrow, so the next chapter will be a ways off; mid-July like I had said before.

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Narnia – April, Year 1005

-During the time in which Peter was 18, Susan was 17, Edmund was 15, and Lucy was 13.

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"Su, are you sure this is necessary?" Lucy asked her elder sister as Susan fussed with Lucy's hair.

"Of course it is, Lu! It's the five-year anniversary of our coronation – the party will be spectacular! And your hair will marvelous this way, really. Now would you please just sit still?"

Sometimes, Susan had trouble understanding her little sister. Lucy would rather play at the beach than go to a tea party. She would rather take her horse out on a long ride than go to a ball. Susan had trouble fathoming this – what girl would prefer sand and riding boots to socializing and fancy dresses? Lucy did, but Susan didn't understand why at all.

And on top of this, Lucy seemed to always keep calm in the face of war. In fact, Susan thought that Lucy might even see the glory in battle, when Susan could only see the gore. Even with all of her logic, Susan could never understand how the word 'war' could be associated with the word 'glory'.

When her and her siblings lived in London, Lucy was terrified of the bombings. Susan would try to comfort Lucy when she cried in the bomb-shed, even though on the inside, Susan felt the same way herself. Now, in Narnia, Lucy was in the battles, she was a part of them, while Susan still shivered nervously on the sidelines. Lucy must have really grown up.

Susan thought of all this as she twisted Lucy's golden curls into an elaborate bun atop her head. Lucy watched the process in the mirror rather boredly.

"Lucy?" Susan said, attempting conversation. "You still haven't told me which dress you chose for the gala…"

"I decided on the blue one," Lucy answered. Susan could tell her little sister was not very interested in the conversation.

"Well, it looks beautiful on you." Susan said softly. Lucy thanked her sister, and then there was a rather awkward silence. Susan hated the silence.

And she knew how she could get her sister to talk – talk about something that Lucy would like to talk about. "But what?" Susan wondered to herself. She almost started to mention the short war their second year in Narnia, but stopped herself. She doubted that Lucy wanted to talk about it anymore than she did herself — while Lucy might see the glorification in war, Susan hardly doubted that she liked it. She doubted anyone liked war.

Susan glanced around the room for inspiration. Anything to end the silence… she wanted so very much to be closer to her little sister, and she felt that even just this one conversation would help...

A flickering candle on Lucy's night-stand…

"Lu, your birthday's coming up in just over a month! Aren't you excited?"

Lucy's face lit up. "Oh, yes! Su, I think I'd like to just go to the beach, just the four of us, for my party… wouldn't that be lovely? And maybe Mr. Tumnus could come, too!"

Susan's smile faltered for a second. She was hoping that Lucy would want to have a big, fancy celebration like the one that would be commemorating the anniversary of their coronation later that night. But of course, she should have known Lucy would prefer to have a small party on the beach.

"Yes, Lu, lovely," she replied, smiling again. If that was what Lucy wanted, then it was going to be perfectly fine with Susan.

"It's only been a couple months since your birthday, Su! Valentines' day… Let's talk about your party, instead."

That was so utterly Lucy – turning the conversation around so that they would be talking about the other person, rather than herself. Susan wished she could be more like Lucy in that sense – Lucy always preferred talking about other people; Susan had a tendency to talk about herself.

"All the little paper hearts were splendid… It really added to the feel of everything…" Lucy continued.

Susan's birthday was Valentine's Day, February the fourteenth, and she had had a dancing ball. It was set in dim candlelight, and red and pink confetti hearts littered the floor and fell sparsely from the ceiling.

"I remember when you danced with Edmund, and he kept stepping on your toes," Lucy said with a smile. "But you were very sweet about it, Su, you didn't even scream out loud like I did when he stepped on mine."

Susan laughed. "I believe that he might have crushed yours slightly harder than mine. You had bruises on your toes for a week!" Lucy laughed along with her.

By now, Susan had finished with Lucy's hair and had moved on to her face. Makeup was something Susan knew that she excelled in; even Lucy didn't complain when Susan insisted to do her makeup.

There was a short pause in the conversation, and Susan found herself wondering more and more about Lucy's views on war. Did her little sister really find it glorious? How could Lucy stand all the violence and slaughter, especially at her young age? Questions pored through Susan's mind, and finally she couldn't refrain from asking one.

"Lu, do you find war glorious?"

"What?" Lucy asked, and Susan thought she saw a frown flit across her sister's face.

"Some people say that there's glory in war, but I don't see it at all. Do you?" Susan rephrased the question.

Lucy pondered this for a moment.

"I… I'm not sure."

"What do you mean, you're not sure?" Susan asked. She had thought that the question was quite clear-cut.

"Well, I suppose it depends on your point of view…"

"That's what I'm asking. What is your point of view on this?" The longer the question went unanswered, the more Susan wanted to know. She wasn't sure why – really, why would she care what her sister thought of war? Yet, not knowing the answer bothered her.

"The way that I see it is that you do what you must," Lucy answered after a moment.

Susan thought about this. You do what you must... You do what you must... What did Lucy mean by that?

"If you're asking if I like war, then I should surely say that the answer is no. But glory is an entirely different thing…" Lucy continued, "I think that there is a certain pride. A sense of knowing that you've helped your country; your people. That because you risked your life on the battlefield and slaughtered a few enemies, your family and friends at home will be safe. I think that that is the feeling that most soldiers associate with glory. They feel prideful of themselves, knowing that they've helped to save the ones they love, and they think of that as glory – which, I suppose, is glorious." Lucy paused.

Susan thought about her words for a moment. They seemed so truthful to her, so clear. And quite profound for a thirteen-year-old girl.

"I do like the feeling," Lucy kept on. "I like to know that I've done something to benefit Narnia, and all my friends here, and you: my family…" she trailed off for a moment, and she looked like she was thinking. Finally, she went on. "Yet, I know I've seen things that no one my age should. It's quite a disturbing thing, to watch people and creatures that you've never met die before you, shot through with your own arrow… I start to realize that that particular person has never done anything to me, other than fight for a cause I despise. And so sometimes at night, I lie in bed and wonder if it was worth it… But then I remember that I've done what you must. And if war is what it will take to save Narnia, then I am willing to go. If slaying more creatures that I haven't ever known is what I must do to keep Narnia free and safe, then I will do it."

Susan was no longer applying makeup on Lucy or fixing her hair. She was just sitting in front of her sister on a little stool, captivated by the words that were starting to make so much sense to her.

For a moment, Susan wondered if Lucy was done talking, but then she continued.

"Victory is never sweet, not on a battlefield. Even as Peter tells us that we've won, I never feel much joy. Not when there are so many before us that have died… But yet, we went there to do what we had to, and killing was what we had to do. And because those of us who went could stand up and fight and be valiant enough to do things that we really had no desire to do, our cause will be saved and Narnia will remain free. So while I don't see war as glorious, I don't think it is so terribly horrendous, either, because the end result is helping Narnia. You do what you must to keep your causes alive, and to keep your country safe."

Susan knew now that Lucy was done speaking.

"Do you understand what I mean, Susan?" Lucy asked.

"I think I do finally understand, Lucy," Susan replied quietly.

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A few years back, when the Narnians were going to war with the Calormenes, Peter had told Susan that she definitely didn't have to go to battle. In fact, he had said, he would prefer it if she stayed home.

Until that day, Susan had never been able to decide what made her decide to go to battle. It was just an instinct, and she had told Peter that she would go.

But now she understood. Susan had been doing what she had to, to keep Lucy safe, and Peter and Edmund, and all of Narnia.

Susan looked at Lucy, who was now all ready for the party, in her dress and all. And she smiled. She finally understood her sister.

Queen Lucy the Valiant. That, Lucy certainly was.

"Come on, Lu, let's go," Susan said, taking her sister's hand, and together they walked down the stairs to the celebration that was starting below.

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Author's Note: This chapter turned out much shorter than I had expected… It also took a very different turn than I had planned… But ah, well.

Well, firstly, I would like to say I'm sorry… In the past chapters, I've had both Lucy and Edmund's ages a year ahead of what they were supposed to be. So I went back and changed them, and they're all fixed now. But I'm just letting you know.

Thanks to all the reviewers of Chapter 4 – I was very happy to see it wasn't such a bust as I thought it was! And thanks to the anonymous reviewers, Samantha, Jua, jedijaina, and Hilda! To everyone else I have replied.

As for Susan and Lucy's birthdays in this chapter… I gave Lucy the traditional summer birthday (since this chapter is supposed to be in April, and Susan mentions it is just over a month until Lucy's birthday, her birthday would be in late May). Susan's birthday was harder to decide. I had always kind of seen her as a late-winter, almost-spring birthday kind of person, and so I thought, what better a day than Valentines'? I hope that everyone thought it appropriate.

Well, hit the purplish-bluish button and tell me what you think! If you have any suggestions or preferences for who you'd like to see in chapter six, just let me know.