Armilla

by Coral Grace

Follows the troubled path of fifth year Ravenclaw student, Armilla Kemp, when she is suddenly placed in the care of Professor Snape. Set in OotP. Complete.

62. Break the Habit

Chapter 62

Ten minutes later, I was still sitting nearly motionless, staring at the closed bedroom door. I was fuming, and all the emotions that had built up under the shield whilst Snape was having his say had come streaming out when I had taken the shield down.

In an attempt to distract myself from the anger I was feeling towards my brother, I pulled out my Charms study notes. I didn't really need to do a lot of revision for Charms, as it was one of my best subjects, but I was in too bad a mood to start revising History of Magic.

As it turned out, taking down my mental shield certainly didn't advantage my studying skills. I must have read the same paragraph five times before I even comprehended what I was reading. My mind was focused solely on the man out in the sitting room.

I was so furious with him. In my opinion, I had done the right thing by not joining the DA. In Snape's opinion, the right thing would have been coming to tell him about it. But that would have meant branding myself a traitor to the people who opposed the Dark Lord and Umbridge, and that would have certainly earned me the reputation of being untrustworthy, as many of the DA members had predicted.

I wouldn't have been able to bear people thinking that I was a sneak…in those circumstances anyway. If it had been students doing something I believed to be catastrophic, then I might have considered telling my brother.

But what the DA chose to do was their choice, not mine. That was the decision I had made. I had no involvement and yet Snape was still angry.

I wasn't so narrow-minded as to believe that Snape had no foundation for his case. Of course he had made a valid point that if I had told him then Dumbledore's sudden departure from the school could have been prevented. But Dumbledore knew how to keep himself hidden. He would carry on effectively still, without having to run the school at the same time.

I would never have been able to drop the title of sneak. I would have lived up to the image that the other students thought suited a Snape. I generally never worried what other students thought, but being thought a sneak was something I wouldn't have liked at all.

Perhaps that did sound selfish on my part, but like I had said to my brother, I didn't regret not telling him. I wasn't perfect; it did sound like I was only concerned about saving my own skin without caring about the consequences of anyone else. Whether that was being Slytherin or not, I didn't care.

I believed that all the DA students were better off now. They had learned a great deal from Harry in the time they had and no one knew if something would happen one day where they would need those skills.

Even if I had told, I believed Harry would have found a way to practise anyway. He had already landed himself with many detentions from Umbridge for his determination to announce that the Dark Lord had returned; the thought of practising Defence behind her back would have appealed to Harry very much.

Now it seemed like I was making excuses, trying to justify my reasons to myself. Perhaps I was trying to find ways to stop any traces of doubt coming into my mind, after dealing with Snape only moments ago. He certainly had a way of making you feel small.

I didn't think that he was likely to back down over this either. Even if he did, I knew he would be angry with me for another reason. I had occluded the whole time he had been in my bedroom. I knew he didn't like me occluding in front of him, and he had certainly known that I was doing it. If I hadn't have put the shield up, I knew I would have gotten emotional, and then I would have gotten terribly embarrassed and frustrated for not having more control.

Snape's last words before leaving had not been in reference to the DA, the reason for which he had come, but about me occluding. It was pretty clear that he was letting me know that he was not impressed about that either.

I knew it sounded a bit obstinate, but I didn't regret leaving my shield up either. I had felt defensive about my actions and I had wanted to defend myself to Snape without breaking down.

I never liked disappointing him. I tried with all my might not to let doubt seep through into my mind, but Snape's angry voice kept repeating itself over and over in my head. You're missing the point. If I had known about this then I could have told Dumbledore what they were doing and he could have handled it quietly.

I hated him being angry with me. I didn't like feeling that I wasn't living up to his expectations. He was the person who I always wanted to please more than anyone else in the world. Just thinking about the way he had glowered at me was more than I could bear. It was strange how you could upset someone you didn't love and not be bothered; while you could do the same thing to someone you loved and have it bother you deeply. I supposed just how upset I was about the whole thing really showed how much I loved my brother.

But I just couldn't back down. I felt that I had done the right thing, no matter what Snape thought. I had acted upon instinct, which had told me to decline the invitation and keep the information to myself. I hoped if I could appreciate that Snape had a point, then he would appreciate that I had a point too. I didn't want him to think that I had just made a bad decision and had to learn from it. I didn't think I had made a bad decision. Perhaps we would just have to agree to disagree on the matter.

I thought Snape must have been marking homework or something out in the sitting room. I supposed that if we were going to revise my study notes, as we generally did on a Tuesday night, we would do it after dinner. We didn't have a set time for going over my work, but I still had the feeling that it was being put off for later. I was grateful for that. Our moods might have improved by then. I was far from enthusiastic about the thought of having to go and have dinner. I wasn't hungry, but the sole reason was tension that would be in the room.

So I stayed in my room, going over my work by myself, and Snape stayed out in the sitting room. Even Morag knew there was something wrong, because when I finally closed my Charms book with a sigh, she fluttered over to land on my arm, turning pretty shades of silver and blue, resembling a potential new Ravenclaw mascot. I knew it was her way of trying to cheer me up and showing me support. I stroked her feathers absently, my mind still preoccupied with Snape.

Not long after, I heard a sharp rap on my door.

"Come and get your dinner," came my brother's voice, his tone abrupt. His footsteps faded away towards the sitting room again.

Knowing I couldn't possibly avoid dinner, seeing as that would be another reason on Snape's list to be angry with me, I slowly got up and made my way out to the sitting room.

Snape was just sitting down when I came out. As usual, being a stickler for proper table manners, he waited until I was sitting down before he began eating. He barely cast a glance in my direction before he picked up his knife and fork.

I really wasn't hungry, but I knew forcing myself to eat was the better alternative to my brother's wrath.

We ate in silence for a couple of minutes, and I didn't find the silence peaceful at all. Finally, Snape was the first to speak.

"I do not wish to start another debate over this," he said, fixing me with a stern gaze, "however, I would like you to answer a question."

"Alright," I said, meeting his gaze.

Snape gave me a dark look. "Shall I give you a moment first to start occluding?" he asked, his voice laced with sarcasm.

Somewhere deep within, I felt something like fire suddenly erupt and spread through me fiercely. I didn't put my shield up, but I had enough control to keep the anger from my face.

"No," I answered, keeping my face impassive.

His sneering expression was replaced with an indifferent one at my answer. I wondered if he had expected me to reply with an angry retort.

"Very well," Snape continued, his eyes never leaving mine. "Have you ever taught your friends or any other member of Potter's little Defence group any of the advanced magic that I taught you?"

"No, I haven't," I answered, rather abruptly. "I know better than that."

"You also know better than to speak to me in that tone," he said sharply, glaring at me.

I lowered my eyes, trying to hide my offence at his question.

"I've never taught my friends anything you've taught me," I said quietly, my eyes on my dinner. "Don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you," Snape said tersely, "however, I question your justification for not telling me."

I frowned at him. "But-"

"I said I do not want to get into another debate about this, Armilla," he interrupted, "at least, not tonight."

I pushed back what I wanted to say, frustrated with my brother.

Snape returned to his dinner, saying no more. The tension in the room said enough for the both of us.

I wondered if this was how it was going to be. Was Snape going to fume until I confessed that the whole thing was my fault and begged for his forgiveness? I had made him angry plenty of times before, but in this case we were both convinced that we were right. Maybe with time his anger would lessen and he would just move on…or maybe that was just positive thinking. When Snape was angry, he generally stayed angry for a long time.

We finished the meal in silence, and I was very ready to return to my bedroom for the night. I would have loved to have gone back to Ravenclaw Tower, not to avoid my brother, but to escape the tension.

Placing my knife and fork on my plate, I waited to be excused.

Snape took out his wand and vanished our plates back to the kitchen. Putting his wand away, he looked expectantly at me. "Well, go and get your work then," he said shortly, looking irritated.

I went back to my room to collect my books, careful not to take too long. I didn't want to make Snape's tetchy mood even worse.

Returning to the table, I said nothing as Snape proceeded to look over what work had been covered in my other classes over the past week. Generally he would make a snide remark about what Umbridge was covering in Defence Against the Dark Arts, or a witty comment about History of Magic.

Tonight, he made no such comments. He only spoke to lecture on a particular topic covered, or to add to the information I had. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like his student again, instead of his sister.

o

I went to bed that night not only feeling angry, but also frustrated. I didn't want to go to bed feeling angry with Snape. I wanted to work things out. Merle had always believed in never walking away angry from a situation. It seemed Snape was intent on behaving indifferently towards me rather than showing his anger.

Laying in bed, plagued by these thoughts, my anger was suddenly replaced with uneasiness. Was Snape only behaving indifferently towards me because I had been occluding? Was he trying to make me feel what he was feeling? I felt awful when Snape treated me with indifference. Did he feel that way when I occluded in front of him? Was that why he was doing it? Not just because he was angry about the DA?

Snape was indifferent towards people when he didn't want them to know what he was thinking or feeling. Because I had occluded in front of him, I had given him the message that I wanted to block him from my emotions. Feeling offended by this, he had obviously decided to treat me with indifference to block me off from his feelings. I was being blocked off because I had done the same to him. Perhaps this was what he was going to do every time I occluded from now on.

As strongly as I had felt about it earlier, guilt was making me lean towards the opposite now. I supposed that was what happens when you're left alone with your thoughts too long. If I had stopped occluding, Snape would have seen a lot more emotion, and I would have been embarrassed. But I got the feeling that he would have had more respect for me if I had left it down anyway. Along with another pang of guilt, I was hit with the thought that I was always allowed to show those emotions to Snape. He had never told me to stop being a baby, even early on when we hadn't known each other very well.

The problem was, Snape was clearly furious about the DA, as well as my decision to occlude. I didn't know how to handle it when he was angry; the instinct I had was to retreat and occlude, just to avoid getting emotional, which seemed to be my weakness.

I wanted to go out and just talk to him, but he was in a foul mood. I wasn't sure if he was even in the right frame of mind to listen to an apology that only applied to occluding, not my hidden knowledge of the DA. Perhaps he would be in a more rational mood the next day, and then I could apologise without him glaring at me the way he had done so much that night.

I stayed awake for hours, just worrying about the whole situation. Whether I had been occluding or not, I should have fallen asleep easily after having stayed awake to sit with Lisa the night before. I was thinking about Snape so much that when I did finally drift off, I had awful dreams all night.

In one of them, Marietta Edgecombe told all the DA members that I had told her to sneak, and in another Harry Potter was asking me why I hadn't warned him about the Inquisitorial Squad. I wasn't even sure if Harry knew about the Inquisitorial Squad. Then Shar kept appearing during my classes, watching from windows or following me down corridors. The worst one was Umbridge telling me that I had been expelled, and that I would have to live with my father since Snape lived at Hogwarts.

I awoke on Wednesday morning feeling exhausted, and not in the best of moods. No matter how bad my mood though, I was going to apologise to Snape about occluding before we went up to breakfast. I didn't want to go through the day wondering if Snape was on proper speaking terms with me.

However, after I had showered, dressed and made my way out to the sitting room, I got the feeling that Snape had already left. His bedroom door was closed, but the lab door was open and the room was empty, and I highly doubted that Snape had slept in. This did nothing to soothe any worry I felt about Snape still being angry with me. After all, this man did know how to hold a grudge. And if he wasn't holding a grudge against me, he was an expert at making his anger last longer than the average person.

I waited until the last possible moment before I went up to breakfast, somehow hoping that he was going to come back. When it was clear that he wasn't coming back, I picked up my bag and slowly made my way along the cold dungeon corridor, feeling extremely disheartened.

But as I rounded a corner I nearly bumped into Snape, who was coming from the opposite direction, which led towards the Slytherin common room.

"Oh, there you are," he said, his expression still as indifferent as it had been the night before. "I thought you might already be in the Great Hall."

He turned and walked in the same direction as me, which led to the stairs connected to the Entrance Hall.

"I was waiting for you," I said quietly, not looking at him. The truth was, I was so relieved to see that he had clearly been coming back to meet me that I was feeling bad all over again that I had doubted him. I really had thought that he was so angry that he had left without bothering to tell me. The guilt I had felt the night before seemed to double itself.

"I got called out early to settle a row between a couple of seventh years in the Slytherin common room," he explained, keeping his voice low.

"Oh."

I still wanted to apologise to him, but I knew a dungeon corridor wasn't the best place to do it. I would have to go down to the dungeons that night, after Harry had had his Occlumency lesson.

Snape said no more as we made our way up the stairs and into the Entrance Hall. He didn't seem interested in conversation at all.

"Have a good day," he said shortly when we got to the Great Hall. With that, he turned and swept away to walk past the Slytherin table on his way up to the staff table.

I made my way over to the Ravenclaw table, a little thankful that I didn't have Potions that day. I had the feeling that Snape's even more intimidating approach to his classes, which we had witnessed the day before, wouldn't improve much that day.

"Morning," said Lisa, as I sat down beside her. Terry, whose mouth was full of food, just nodded in greeting.

"Morning," I replied, stifling a yawn.

"Well how was it then?" Lisa asked, pushing the plate of toast towards me.

"How was what?" I wasn't really with it; I was too busy watching Snape conversing with a few seventh year Slytherins.

Lisa followed my gaze. "Snape," she said. "How was he yesterday afternoon when you went down? He seemed in such a bad mood in Potions that I thought even you might cop it."

I shrugged. I didn't really want to share what had happened with my friends. It would only make them indignant about Snape, and besides that, I just didn't feel comfortable sharing such a private thing.

"He wasn't in the best mood," I said, absentmindedly pulling my toast apart.

Terry was watching me closely. "Did he say what was up? I mean, Snape's always nasty in Potions, but yesterday he took things to a new level."

Again, I just shrugged. "I suppose he isn't thrilled that Dumbledore's gone, not to mention that Umbridge is Headmistress."

Terry nodded. "Fair point, I guess. He just seemed to show it more than the other teachers."

"Well, we all have our bad days," I said vaguely, now breaking my toast into tiny pieces.

"Is this a new way of eating toast?" Lisa looked pointedly at my plate.

"Yep," I said, as I put a bit of it into my mouth. I looked up at the staff table. Snape had now seated himself and seemed absorbed in The Daily Prophet. More than anything else at that moment, I wanted to go and talk to him. I wanted to make things alright. But I didn't know if he would just stay mad at me, even if I did apologise for occluding. He might just stay furious about not telling him about the DA.

o

My day turned out okay, right up until dinnertime. All my classes had been fine, and Hermione had been lovely to me as always during the classes we had together, and hadn't even mentioned the DA. I still spent the day worrying about Snape, and when I did see him at the staff table during lunch, he didn't make eye contact with me at all.

I also worried about Mother's ring. I didn't know how I was going to be able to talk to her, seeing as her ring was shut up in Dumbledore's office. If Dumbledore didn't come back, then I wouldn't be able to see her.

Just as I was leaving Ravenclaw Tower to walk to the Great Hall for dinner with my friends, Umbridge came down the corridor and made a beeline for me.

"Miss Snape," she said pleasantly, giving me a toad-like smile. "I would like to see you for a moment in my office."

My heart must have skipped a beat. What could I have possibly done now?

My friends were looking at me with apprehensive faces.

"Oh you aren't in trouble, dear," Umbridge went on, her voice becoming even higher. "There is just something I need to speak to you about."

I had no choice but to follow Umbridge. I shrugged at my friends when Umbridge had turned, to point out that I had no idea what was going on, and walked after Umbridge. I dearly hoped that we wouldn't come across Snape or Malfoy. It certainly wasn't a good look to be trailing after the Headmistress.

Thankfully, we didn't come across either, and when we reached Umbridge's office, she told me in a very polite voice to take a seat.

I sat down in front of her desk, trying not shudder at the memory of the last time I had been there. She had made me use a quill during detention which wrote with my own blood, which had also cut the words I had been writing into the back of my hand. Snape had healed it for me later, during the detention I had with him.

The office hadn't changed much, except for the wooden block sitting on her desk that said Headmistress, and three broomsticks which were chained to an iron peg in the wall behind the desk.

"Now you must have tea with me," Umbridge began, waving her wand. A pot of steaming tea, a jug of milk, and two cups suddenly appeared on the desk.

"Oh," I said, feeling uncomfortable. "No thank you."

I wasn't about to drink anything Umbridge offered me. Merle had always said not to touch anything offered from a person I didn't trust, even if they were in a position of authority. I was racking my brains trying to find a reason for Umbridge's sudden desire to talk to me.

"Come now, dear," Umbridge insisted, smiling at me again. She really did look like a toad. "It is polite to accept a drink when it is offered to you, especially when you have been invited for a chat." She gave me what I suppose she thought was a knowing look. "I daresay Professor Snape would not like you to forget your manners in front of his colleagues."

"No, Professor," I said quietly. Actually, I knew exactly what Snape would want me to do, and it certainly would not involve eating or drinking anything given to me by Umbridge.

"Well, then," she said brightly, pouring the tea into the cups. "You must have some tea. Now be a dear and go and open that window, it's quite stuffy in here." She nodded in the direction of the window near the back of the room.

I got up and walked over to the window. I found it strange that I was being told to open a window. It would have been quite simple for Umbridge to raise her wand and open the window with magic. But of course, doing that wouldn't distract me. I knew exactly what she was up to; I wasn't stupid. However, I decided to play along for the time being.

I watched as she unlocked a small cupboard behind her desk with her wand, and reached for a sugar pot. She proceeded to drop a teaspoon of it into a cup.

"Right then, here we are," she said, pushing the other cup into my hands after she placed the sugar pot back inside the cupboard, and locking the cupboard once more. "Drink up, dear."

I raised the cup to my lips, and pretended to drink, whilst keeping my lips pursed.

Umbridge took a sip of her own tea.

"It is the right strength for you?" she asked.

I nodded, thinking quickly. "Yes, but may I have some sugar, Professor?"

She beamed. "Oh certainly. You should have told me that you like sugar in your tea." She put her own cup down, got up, and turned back to open the cupboard, taking her wand out to unlock it again.

As silently as I could, I leaned forward and lifted the edge of the rug that the desk sat on and poured a small amount of the tea onto the floor. Before it could spread too much, I put the edge of the rug back in its place to let it soak up the tea from underneath.

My heart was pounding the whole time, especially as I had one eye on the rug and one eye on Umbridge's turned back. I was terrified of being caught. When she straightened up holding the sugar pot, however, she seemed none the wiser.

I placed my cup back on her desk so she could put some sugar in it.

"There we are, drink up," she said, after putting the sugar in.

I pretended to take another sip.

"Better?"

"Yes, thank you," I replied.

"Good." She placed the sugar pot on the desk, looking at me closely. "Has your brother spoken to you about the whereabouts of Dumbledore?"

Ah. So she thought I might have some inside information, since I was related to Snape.

"No, Professor," I said, keeping my voice flat. I wanted to make sure that she believed that I was under the influence of Veritaserum.

Umbridge's eyes flashed. "No? Don't let your tea get cold. Have another drink."

I raised my cup again and pretended to drink and swallow.

"Lovely," she said, watching me. "Now, your brother hasn't mentioned Dumbledore's disappearance to you at all?"

"No, Professor."

Umbridge looked angry. "Is Professor Snape a close confidant of Dumbledore?"

"I don't know, Professor. I suppose he is, as far as discussing teaching matters and students."

Umbridge sighed, tapping her fingers on he desk. "This is not helpful," she muttered. "Did your brother mention if Professor McGonagall knows where Dumbledore is?"

"No, Professor." Really, it was a stupid question. I had already said that Snape hadn't mentioned Dumbledore's disappearance to me. I bet she was hoping that she could fool me into telling her about secret meetings between staff members plotting against her and Fudge.

Umbridge pounded her fist on the desk. "Does your brother not mention any staff related matter to you, child?"

"Sometimes he tells me when he's going to a staff meeting," I said, keeping my voice monotonous. "Otherwise, no."

Umbridge looked infuriated. "Well this was a waste of time then," she muttered, shaking her head. "Very well, you may go down to dinner."

"Yes, Professor."

I placed my cup back on her desk and left as quickly as I dared. I went straight to the Great Hall. I would have gone straight to Snape, but as it was just after six-thirty, I thought Harry's Occlumency lesson would be still going. At least I had another reason to go down and see my brother later. I knew he would be furious if I didn't tell him about what had just happened.

"What did she want?" Terry demanded, wasting no time to enquire as I sat down.

"To question me about Dumbledore's disappearance," I answered, rolling my eyes. "She thought Snape might know something and then-"

"Tell you about it," Lisa finished.

"Exactly."

"As if you would tell her anything anyway," said Terry, looking indignant.

"Well, I think she put Veritaserum in my tea," I whispered. My friends looked alarmed. "Don't worry; I wasn't stupid enough to drink it."

"You fooled her?" Terry whispered.

"Well I kept the cup in my hands so she couldn't see how much I was drinking, but I did manage to dispose of some of it rather thoughtfully."

They both grinned.

"So she wasn't satisfied with the lack of information then?" Lisa looked amused.

I shook my head. "Not really. I wasn't a help to her at all."

"Ah well then," said Terry, stabbing at his baked potato. "Hopefully she'll leave you alone."

o

At about eight o'clock, I made the excuse to my friends that I had to go down to the dungeons to inform Snape of my meeting with Umbridge. I supposed it wasn't really an excuse, seeing as I was going to tell him about it, but I had already planned to go down to Snape anyway. I thought Harry's lesson had to have finished a while before, and I wanted to get down there and back before curfew.

I walked past his office, intending to see if he was still in there. There was no light coming from underneath the door, so I made my way to our quarters.

He wasn't in the sitting room either, but the bubbling and chopping sounds coming from the lab told me that he was home.

Obviously having heard me arrive, the chopping stopped and a moment later he was standing in the doorway of the lab.

"What are you doing down here?" he asked, frowning at me.

I wanted to snap back that he had told me that I could stay down in the dungeons any night of the week. But I knew that would not help things. Besides, it seemed he was still in a questionable mood.

"I needed to talk to you," I said quietly.

He folded his arms, his lip curling. "I do hope it is important, Armilla," he said in a hard voice. "I am exceedingly busy."

"It was important enough for me to come down here," I replied, trying not to sound resentful. Really, his mood seemed worse than the night before. He seemed even angrier at me tonight than he was yesterday.

Snape narrowed his eyes. "Be careful how you speak," he said coldly. Clearly, I had sounded resentful. "Why did you wait to come until now?"

"I wasn't sure what time you finished teaching Harry."

I noticed that upon mention of Harry's name, Snape's fingers flexed before curling into fists.

"I have finished teaching Potter," he spat. "For good. I have had enough and will not waste any more time on him."

What had Harry done? Perhaps not all the anger was directed at me…

"Wait a moment," he said. "I don't want to ruin this potion." He swept back into his office, and shortly after, the bubbling sound stopped.

I didn't sit down to wait. I wanted to leave as soon as possible.

Not long after, he emerged again and stood at the entrance of the corridor, his arms folded.

"Well, what is it?" He looked completely indifferent.

"Umbridge came looking for me when I was going down to dinner earlier," I began.

Snape's eyes flashed. "What did she want?" he demanded.

"She said she wanted to speak to me about something. I had to go with her to her office, and she insisted that I drink tea with her."

Snape's face contorted with fury as he strode forward to stand in front of me. "You didn't drink it, did you?"

"No, of course not!" I said indignantly. "I do know better than that."

He scowled at me. "I believe I just told you to be careful how you speak."

I forced myself to pause before I replied, just so I could calm the racing feelings I felt inside without resorting to occluding.

"I just pretended to drink it," I said, keeping my voice calm. "I poured some of it under her rug when she wasn't looking so that it would appear that I had been drinking it."

He gave me a calculating look, and I couldn't understand why. He nodded. "Very well. And I assume she asked you questions?"

I nodded. "She asked me if you had mentioned Dumbledore's disappearance to me or spoken about his whereabouts…and I said you hadn't."

He nodded, his expression unreadable.

"Then she asked me if you were a close confidant of Dumbledore. I said you were as far as teaching went. And then she asked me if you had mentioned Professor McGonagall knowing the whereabouts of Dumbledore, and I said you hadn't."

I still got no hint from his face as to what Snape was thinking.

"And how did she take that?"

"She wasn't happy," I said honestly. "But she knew she couldn't do anything about it."

He nodded curtly. "Did she ask you anything else?"

"Yes. She asked me if you ever spoke to me of anything staff related, and I said no more than mentioning staff meetings. Were they all the right things to say?"

He stared at me for a moment, before nodding again. "Yes, your answers were fine. And there was nothing else?"

"No," I said quietly. "She let me go after that."

"Very well…you're alright then?"

"Yes," I answered, feeling a tiny bit better that he had asked.

Nodding, he turned and walked in the direction of the corridor.

Thinking I was dismissed, I opened the door to leave. Snape spun round.

"What are you doing?" he said sharply, glaring at me.

"Going back to Ravenclaw Tower," I answered quietly. I would apologise to him tomorrow, or when he seemed in a better mood not to bite my head off at the slightest thing.

He shook his head. "No, you are not," he said curtly. "You've come down here, so you can stay down here."

I felt uncomfortable. Hadn't the man just said that he was exceedingly busy?

"Close the door, Armilla," he snapped.

I closed the door, feeling uneasy. I turned back to him, trying not to show my discomfort.

His expression remained indifferent. "I'm going back to the lab," he said shortly, "so there's no need to start occluding." He turned on his heel and disappeared inside the lab, closing the door behind him.

My eyes prickling with tears, I slowly made my way to my bedroom. After closing the door, I sat down on my bed, barely glancing at Morag, who had hooted in greeting.

Snape's comment about occluding had proved that he was certainly still furious about me occluding in front of him the day before. I felt so guilty. Snape's glaring face kept coming up in my mind, and I reached a hand up to wipe my eyes.

I sat there for a long time, just thinking. I wished I could fix things. Having Snape look at me with such anger was too much to handle.

Finally, I realised that I would be told off for wasting time if Snape suddenly walked in. I had left all my books on my bed up in my dorm, so there was no way of retrieving them. There were a few Potions textbooks lying on my desk, so I decided to spend some time reading over some potions that were likely to come up in my OWL. Snape had already spent a great deal of time going over them with me, but I needed something else to think about tonight.

As it turned out, I was not much better at concentrating tonight than I had been last night. If I had occluded I might have been able to do a better job, but I just didn't feel like putting the shield up.

At five past nine, I decided that I would just go to bed, even if it was still early. Just like the night before, I stayed awake for ages, worrying. I wanted to talk to my brother, but didn't want to approach him while he was still so angry. Obviously, something had happened during his lesson with Harry that had made his mood so much worse.

I wish I could have gone back to Ravenclaw Tower. Though he had demanded that I stay, Snape clearly wanted space that evening. I didn't want to talk to him any time soon. My own mood was doing nothing to induce sleep.

o

I awoke on Thursday morning, having slept very little due to nightmares once again. Shar had crept back into my head and dominated my dreams for most of the night. When I went out to the sitting room, Snape was nowhere to be found, just like the day before. I pulled out my chocolate frog card and checked it for a message. Nothing.

Sighing, and trying to give my brother the benefit of the doubt, I decided to head up to breakfast on my own. Perhaps Snape was sorting out another issue with the Slytherins. Umbridge had not been Headmistress for long, but cracks in discipline had already started to appear.

Snape wasn't in the Great Hall either and nor did he make an appearance. I tried to disguise my worry as my friends chattered in hushed voices about Umbridge, but my heart wasn't in it to join the conversation.

"Are you going to eat breakfast today, Mill?" Lisa asked, nodding at my empty plate.

I shook my head. "I'm not very hungry," I replied.

Lisa frowned at me. "Did you sleep at all last night? You look exhausted."

I smiled. "Probably too much study."

Terry nodded. "I studied until well after midnight. I promised myself I wouldn't make a habit of it, but it was the third night in a row."

This prompted some Ravenclaws nearby to immediately launch into a discussion of how many hours of study they were doing and I was grateful to escape Lisa's discerning eye.

Having had little sleep for a few nights now, it took a great deal of concentration to apply myself in my classes that morning. My friends were also so absorbed in not missing anything for their OWLs, they didn't press me about having little conversation.

We had a practical Potions class after break and I knew it was going to take every ounce of energy I had to concentrate on the Deflating Draught we were brewing that day. I still hadn't received any messages from my brother and was failing to pretend that I wasn't bothered by it. I tried to reason with myself that Snape must still be seething over whatever Harry Potter had done during his lesson, and that it wasn't that he wasn't talking to me.

When Snape opened the classroom door, the quiet conversations immediately stopped, and his eyes swept up and down the line. He nodded towards the classroom door and students began filing in. He paused to snap at a Hufflepuff student who came running down the corridor, clearly seconds late, and so I managed to slip by my brother into the classroom.

"Today you will be preparing and brewing the Deflating Draught," Snape said, once we were all seated. "At this point in the year, you should have reasonable enough ability to do it successfully...though I have my doubts. I expect that you have all read the notes on this potion and completed the assigned homework. Let us hope it is not the waste of parchment I received from some of you last week." He made eye contact with a couple of Hufflepuffs, who immediately averted their eyes.

Snape waved his wand and the storeroom door flew open. "Begin."

Determined to make the potion successfully, and knowing that I was operating on little sleep and a growing headache, I resolved to zone everything and everyone out and concentrate on nothing else. The only way I would get through the lesson, knowing how angry my brother still was, was to pretend that he wasn't even in the room.

Avoiding eye contact with Snape, who was overseeing the activity in the storeroom, I collected the ingredients I needed and went back to my desk. I worked methodically for an hour and a half, ignoring everything that was going on around me, including the two occasions when my brother passed by. My headache had grown worse, which I knew was my own fault due to skipping breakfast that morning.

Finally, the time came for us to bring our bottled potions to Snape's desk. I was more relieved that I had been in ages that I had pulled off a successful potion. Looking around the room for the first time since the lesson had started, I noticed that a number of students either looked a little white or green; their potions clearly hadn't turned out the way they had supposed to. As Snape challenged these students to identify what had gone wrong with their potions, I placed mine on his desk and cleaned up. Snape dismissed the class not long after and I was more than happy to leave. I would talk to my brother when his anger had subsided...whenever that would be...

I went through my classes the rest of the day with a similar approach, just focused on completing them and thinking about an early night. The atmosphere in Ravenclaw Tower was more studious than usual that evening, which was saying something for our House. Fifth and Seventh year students sat pouring over books, muttering incantations under their breaths, transfiguring any stationary item in sight or else staring off into the distance.

If I was honest, I found it rather off-putting. Terry and Lisa did make great study partners, but my heart wasn't in it that evening. I sat on my bed and worked on essays until 8:30pm and found that I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Part of me had contemplated going down to the dungeons before curfew, especially as I had been prone to nightmares over the last couple of nights, but I quickly dismissed the idea after the reception my brother had given me the evening before.

Knowing full well that the other girls in my dorm still had hours of study ahead of them when they came up from the common room, I closed the drapes around my bed and cast a soundproofing charm. I didn't want to wake them from my nightmares. I laid staring at the canopy above, concentrating on occluding before I slept. Once again, my mind on my brother, it didn't have the desired effect.

I can see you, Armilla. You can't hide from me.

I woke up with a start, my heart pounding and my hands shaking. Hearing Shar's voice in my dream wasn't something I could get used to. He had been chasing me around Hogwarts, and no matter where I hid, he had kept finding me. I had wanted to find Hortensia's portrait so that I could escape from him there, but the portrait had disappeared.

I clenched my eyes shut, placing my shaking hands over my face. More and more doubt was creeping through me about what I should have done about the DA. I was no sneak. If I'd had my time again, I still would have chosen not to give my friends away. Why was I feeling so guilty then? Was it due to my brother's disappointment in me?

I rolled onto my back, wiping my eyes. I wished I could just talk it over with my brother. I normally felt that I could, but then, he generally wasn't angry with me. He was angry this time, and I wasn't sure how to proceed.

I looked over the clock. 10:53pm.

I could hear the faint rustling of parchment from more than one direction, which told me that at least a couple of my dorm mates were still studying.

I sat up, willing my heart to stop thumping. The image of Shar inside Ravenclaw Tower was etched in my mind. I knew it was ludicrous, as he could not get into Hogwarts. I couldn't fathom why my worry about my brother led to nightmares about Shar.

Pushing the image away as best I could, I reached for the book on my bedside table. I would read for a few minutes and see if that distracted me well enough to sleep again.

"Lumos," I whispered, pointing my wand at my book under the blankets.

As I laid down with my book under the blankets, my hand fell on my chocolate frog card, which I usually kept under my pillow at night. I must have moved it in my sleep. I did a double take when I saw that the wizard was waving to me. How long ago had Snape sent a message? I hadn't checked my card at all that evening, resigned to the fact that he needed some space.

I activated the card and saw the message waiting for me.

I believe we need to have a conversation about the last few days, preferably before you go to bed this evening. Come down to our quarters.

I sat up, feeling distinctly uncomfortable. Had he sent that message hours ago? Probably...

I wondered if he'd still be up. I wasn't sure what time my brother usually went to bed, seeing as he always made me to go to bed at half-past nine. Truth be told, I did want to go down to the dungeons. I wanted things to go back to the way they had been...and avoidance would get us nowhere.

I sent my own message back.

May I come down now?

I had a reply within seconds.

You should be asleep, but yes, you may. I'll give you thirty seconds before I activate the card to bring you down here.

I climbed out of bed and looked around. The curtains were closed around all the beds, thankfully. Not wanting to disappear from the room in case there were peeping eyes, I quietly tiptoed into the bathroom.

I waited the remaining seconds and felt relief when I pressed my index finger to the card and vanished from the room. Moments later, two hands reached out to steady me as I hit the floor.

I looked up to see the impassive expression on my brother's face as he regarded me. I suddenly became aware that I'd woken from a nightmare minutes before.

"Why aren't you asleep?" he asked quietly.

"I was," I replied.

"Mm."

I said nothing, trying not to squirm under the intensity of his gaze.

He narrowed his eyes. "Are you going to offer further information, Armilla, or will I have to prise it out of you?"

I looked away. Yep, he was definitely still angry.

"Armilla?" he said sharply.

"I had a nightmare," I admitted, not meeting his eye. More than anything, I felt embarrassed.

I could feel his gaze on me, waiting for me to look at him. When I did, his face was still void of emotion.

"And last night?" he asked. "Did you have nightmares then? I could tell during Potions today that you'd had little sleep, despite your success."

I nodded. "Yes."

He raised an eyebrow. "And the night before?"

"Yes."

He folded his arms, looking irritated. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"When could I have told you?" I challenged. "You were still angry at me last night and didn't want me here."

I cringed seconds after I said it, especially as his face became stonier. I waited for the rebuke.

There was silence for a moment before Snape spoke again. "What were your nightmares about?" he asked finally.

I hesitated. "Shar."

His face darkened.

"I keep dreaming that he's here in the castle," I said quietly, looking away.

I couldn't fathom why Shar had made a reappearance in my dreams. Shouldn't my nightmares have been about my brother's anger with me? Or Father? He was a much larger threat to me these days.

He's your insecurity, a voice in my head said. He always has been. Whenever you feel insecure, Shar's face appears.

"Armilla," came my brother's voice.

I looked up to see concern in my brother's eyes, the first hint of emotion I'd seen.

"Do you think he's plaguing your dreams because of what's happened this week?"

Slowly, I nodded.

"And because I've been angry with you?"

I stared at him, not wanting to confirm this.

Snape shook his head slightly. "I already know the answer, Armilla. You dreamed of Shar that evening at home when you'd thought I was cross with you."

I looked back at him, feeling nothing short of ashamed. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Do not apologise," he said shortly. "It is not like you're choosing to dream about him." He looked at me appraisingly. "He seems to make his way back into your subconscious when you're feeling-"

"I don't want to-"

"-Talk about it," Snape said flatly. "Yes, I know."

There was silence again as we stared at each other. Snape looked exhausted to me, and my guilt only grew. It couldn't be easy for him or any of the Hogwarts staff putting up with Umbridge as Headmistress. He was already putting up with the mentally insane in the Dark Lord.

Snape turned and walked over the sofa, gesturing for me to follow.

"As much as I'd like to say well done on your potion today," he said, after I'd sat down beside him, "I believe its success was fuelled by your despondency." He paused. "It...didn't sit well with me to see that in you."

I didn't disagree with him. "I don't know how to handle it when you're angry with me," I said quietly. "I didn't occlude during Potions today...as much as I wanted to."

"No, you weren't," Snape acknowledged, "but as much as you may have fooled your friends into thinking you were merely focused on the potion, I felt your low spirits each time I passed you."

"I'm sorry," I said softly.

He shook his head. "I contributed to you feeling that way and I'm sorry for it," he said, looking weary. "I should have thought to let you know where I was this morning. Umbridge called an early meeting and the content of that meeting ensured enough distraction that I didn't think about not having told you where I was." He sighed. "And you and I should have spoken this morning to clear the air."

I nodded, feeling a little relieved. "I'm sorry for occluding in front of you the other night."

His regarded me through slightly narrowed eyes. "You didn't feel confident to handle the situation without Occlumency?"

I shook my head.

He narrowed his eyes. "So that was the plan? At the first hint that I was displeased with you, you started to occlude?"

I decided to be honest. "I started to occlude before you came in."

He raised an eyebrow, scowling slightly. "You anticipated that I was going to be angry then?"

I nodded, biting my lip.

"And what made you think that?" His voice was barely a whisper.

"Potions," I said simply. "You wouldn't look at me."

"Ah," he said again, looking away.

"I was worried when I got the message from you to be down here straight after classes ended," I went on, "and I started to occlude because that's the only way I could control it."

Snape's eyes flashed as he looked back at me. "Do you fear me?" he asked in a hard voice.

I shook my head. "No," I said honestly, not even having to ponder the question.

"Then why did you worry to such an extent about seeing me that you needed to occlude?" he demanded.

"Because I didn't know how else to handle you being angry with me," I responded quietly, feeling very small. "I worried all afternoon…I didn't know what to do about it, so I occluded to block it out. I kept going when you came in."

He stared at me, his face giving nothing away.

"I am sorry that I did it," I said, my voice barely audible. "I'm not just saying it, and I'm not occluding now."

He stared at me. "Yes, I can see that," he said quietly. "I do not like you occluding when you're just in my company. Perhaps you will give that fact more consideration in future."

I nodded, feeling terribly guilty.

He looked seriously at me. "I appreciate that you've apologised for occluding. You do know how I feel about it. I suppose it is needless to say that it feels like you don't want to share your feelings with me when you do it."

"I know," I whispered, my eyes stinging. "I know I shouldn't have done it. I've felt guilty ever since."

Snape's expression didn't change. "Just about occluding?"

So he wanted to know if I had changed my mind about my actions regarding the DA. My discomfort grew enormously.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. "Do you want me to say that I feel bad that I didn't tell you?"

"No," he said abruptly. "That would be lying. You don't feel bad."

I shifted slightly. "I do feel bad about making you so angry," I said, looking away, "but I don't know how to fix things because we won't agree."

We sat in silence for a moment. "Well, that's just it, Armilla," he said quietly. "It does appear that we're each set in our own view on this."

"It's not that I'm narrow-minded," I said, looking back at him. "I do know that you have a point."

He inclined his head. "As do you, I acknowledge that. It would seem though, that we each have a different opinion as to what the right path would have been, and as a result, we have been angry with each other."

"I don't know how to fix that," I murmured, feeling uncomfortable.

He sighed, looking tired. "It's not your place to fix it. It's been on my mind the last couple of days that I was unable to change your opinion of the situation. I was angry with you about it, as well as the fact that you were occluding-," he paused to glare at me, "-but I've come to the conclusion that we're not always going to agree on things, and I am going to have to live with that, as much as I won't always like it."

"But won't you stay angry at me that way?"

He frowned. "Armilla," he said, looking very serious. "If you do something or make a decision that I am not happy about, I have every right to be angry about it, just as you would if the situation were reversed. If I let you know that I am angry, that is not the cue for you retreat into your shell and block me from your emotions."

I swallowed, still feeling guilty. "But I got the impression last night that you were still too angry to talk to me. You didn't want me here…that's why I wanted to leave."

He stared at me, as though thinking deeply about something. "I regret giving you the impression that I didn't want you here. I suppose it is no excuse, but I hadn't had the best day and didn't particularly feel like talking to anyone."

I felt alarmed. "Did I make your day that bad?"

"Of course not, Armilla," he scoffed. "I spent yesterday morning dealing with problems with seventh year Slytherins between classes, I had a third year Hufflepuff blow up his cauldron, and then Montague turned up in a toilet."

"How did he get in there?"

His mouth twitched and for a moment I thought he was going to smile. "It's not worth delving into, I assure you."

"And Harry?" I asked.

His face darkened. "Potter's little adventure was the climax. I don't want anything more to do with that impudent little…" he looked sideways at me, "…student."

I wondered what Harry had done, but I thought better than to ask. Instead I waited for him to speak, hoping that he would share it with me. Dumbledore wasn't around to confide in, and I highly doubted that Snape thought Dumbledore would understand whatever it was anyway. Snape did believe that Dumbledore favoured Harry.

Snape narrowed his eyes as he looked at me. "You're waiting for me to tell you, aren't you?"

"No," I answered. "I wouldn't expect you to."

We were both silent for a moment. I was longing to go to bed and I had the suspicion that Snape was too.

"Potter," Snape said quietly, a look of utter disdain on his face, took it upon himself last night to wander into the Pensieve and access my memories."

Oh no…Harry would never be forgiven for that.

"Where were you?" I asked.

"With Umbridge on the fourth floor, retrieving Montague from the toilet. I had dismissed Potter, but evidently unable to control himself, he ventured into one of my memories."

This was bad. I knew my brother had many memories that he didn't like to share. I had seen glimpses of a few of them during Occlumency lessons, but he had always been quick to cast me out of them.

"You found him inside one?"

He nodded.

"And you're not going to teach him Occlumency anymore?"

"No."

I stared at him. I thought it was important for Harry to master Occlumency. Snape couldn't just stop lessons because of this. As angry as he was about it, and he had every right to be fuming, it was not right to just call off the lessons. I thought he was taking it a bit far. I wasn't about to air my opinion that I thought he was wrong though. I was not inclined to push myself into deeper trouble with him.

"What about Mother?" I asked quietly.

He understood what I was talking about at once. "We can access Dumbledore's office through The Secret Wing," he said.

"Would it be better to bring Mother's ring down here then, seeing as Dumbledore's no longer up there?"

He shook his head. "No, the Headmaster's office provides a high level of protection for a magical object like that. I would prefer to leave it there. We can keep visiting Mother up there as normal."

I nodded, feeling better about that. Actually, I was feeling a lot better about everything. Snape still wasn't in the best mood; he had every right to be after what Harry had done, what I had done, and everything else from the last few days, but I was glad that I had come down to talk to him. We hadn't worked things out about the DA, but at least he had admitted that we weren't always going to agree on things. That kind of bothered me at first, as I liked to have Snape pleased with everything I did, but I supposed that just wasn't realistic.

"It's getting late," Snape said, after glancing at the clock on the wall. He stood up and held out a hand to me. "Bed."

Taking it, I got up. "So…," I said nervously, watching as he leaned down to pick up his Potions journal. "…we're…alright then?"

He paused with his arm outstretched, looking back at me. "Alright? Of course we're alright," he scoffed, narrowing his eyes as he straightened up, "as long as you put a stop to this occluding business. I will not have it."

I nodded, still feeling nervous. "I will, I promise."

Maybe it was because I was biting my lip again that Snape seemed to guess that I was nervous. He moved forward with a sigh and drew me into his arms.

"I thought you had broken the habit of biting your lip," he commented.

I smiled. "No."

"Well then, I suppose you have a couple of habits to work on breaking."

"I know," I said, "but I'm not good at keeping control when I'm not occluding."

He was silent for a moment, and neither of us made an effort to let go of the other.

"Nor am I," he said quietly.

I said nothing. I knew that already, but must have taken a lot for Snape to admit it.

"Back to bed," he said finally, releasing me.

I followed him into my bedroom, feeling quite grateful now to be going to bed. Something told me Snape was too.

As he turned around to face me, I noticed that his face no longer held an expression of indifference. He wasn't showing a great deal of emotion on his face, but I could tell that he was feeling a bit happier than he had been about ten minutes ago.

"Now," he said seriously, looking down at me, "if you have another nightmare, I want you to inform me."

"Alright," I said quietly, feeling hesitant. I still hated discussing my nightmares, though they didn't happen so frequently anymore.

"I mean it, Armilla," Snape said firmly, as I pulled the covers back and got into bed. When I looked over at him, he had a slightly pinched expression on his face. "I especially don't want to be the reason your nightmares start again."

I felt a pang in my heart. "But they were about Shar," I said quietly, feeling bad for him.

"Who makes an appearance in your dreams when you're feeling insecure," my brother finished, sitting on my bed. "I've clearly made you feel that way over the last couple of days. As angry as I was, I should not have left it so long to speak with you."

I nodded, grateful to hear him say so. Sometimes I had to remind myself that Snape had only been my guardian for just over five months. Having a teenage sister in his home mustn't have been an easy change for him.

"Goodnight," I said softly.

Snape looked intently at me, before leaning forward to kiss me on the cheek.

"Goodnight," he said, brushing hair from my face.

I rolled onto my side as he got up and spelled out the lights.

I love you, I said in my head, as he closed the door softly behind him.

o