They are not mine so please don't sue me for just borrowing them for a while. I wouldn't have to if you would just air a new episode of Bones:)
Remember When, part five
As the memory of the previous day's events replay in my mind, I am reminded that I am currently lying in a hospital bed and that I still haven't acknowledged Booth's presence. The pressure of his hand on mine soothes and warms me despite the deep cold that I feel, even beneath the warm hospital sheets.
I am laying on my side and there is something laughable about how this so closely approximates my most comfortable sleeping position. They must have spent hours getting the glass out of my back and have left me this way so as to not aggravate the injury any further. Funny - not in a 'funny-ha-ha' way, but in an intriguing way - that the pain of that injury seems insignificant in comparison to the pain in my heart. I never used to believe in 'heartache' before. I do now.
Too much time has passed and I know that I have to open my eyes. I've left him to worry for too long. Yet, I almost believe that it would be better to leave him to worry - about me. At least then he has the reassuring beeps of the monitor to let him know that it won't get any worse. Once I open my eyes, I have to tell him and then it won't get any better. It can't.
Sleep fights against my eyes opening and my lids flutter before I finally can open them fully. My left eye is hidden by the pillow, but with my right I focus clearly on the man that I know hasn't left my side for hours. I know this even before I take in his stubble-darkened cheeks and the dark smudges beneath his eyes. There is a bruise on his forehead and I am reminded that he hadn't escaped our ordeal unscathed. His hair is mussed and it reminds me of that day so many days ago and somehow, his overall appearance makes me love him even more.
"Booth."
I wanted his name to sound… well, I'm not sure how I wanted it to sound, but I know I didn't want it to sound anything like the croaked, broken word that I have spoken.
"Temperance," he whispers my name as a small smile spreads across his face.
"Booth, I…" My voice gains strength.
"The doctors say that you're going to be fine. You just have to rest, okay?"
He caresses the back of my hand with his thumb and slides his other hand beneath my palm. I squeeze it with all my strength, not that it's much considering the current state of my health, and I curse at the bandages that lie as a barrier between us. I want to feel the warmth of his skin when I tell him. I want him to feel the warmth of mine. I search his eyes and he closes them and that is when I know. He already knows. There had been something about his expression and his caresses, but his eyes tell me that he already knows.
"The baby?"
He shakes his head wordlessly and tears well in my eyes, but for some reason, they don't fall.
"We didn't get to go to lunch."
"No, we didn't," he answers and I read the confusion and concern that flash briefly across his features. He must think that I'm still dazed by the explosion and the medication.
"I was going to tell you at lunch. I knew last week, but when I asked you to lunch, it was because I wanted to tell you."
He continues to meet my gaze silently and his face is an unreadable mask.
"I was going to tell you, Booth. I would never have not told you."
I know that I'm not really making the best of sense, but I need him to understand and believe me and this is the best that I can do under the present circumstances.
"I know."
His words are softly spoken, but his acceptance speaks volumes where his voice fails.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. I wasn't ready though."
"I know." His voice is still little more than a whisper, but there is a raspy edge to it that hints at the emotions he is holding at bay.
"I'm sorry that you didn't find out that you were having a baby until you found out that you had lost it. I'm sorry that I took those few days of joy away from you." The tears that had been threatening spill over and their wetness slides down my cheeks.
"I know." His eyes seem to shimmer but I don't know whether it's caused by his unshed tears or my free-flowing ones.
"It hurts, Booth. Deep inside where the morphine can't take it away. It hurts." My voice breaks and I can't continue. I barely hold back a sob as my tears continue to fall freely.
"I know, Bones. I know."
I see a glimpse of his tears as they begin to trace a pathway down his face. He closes the distance between us, and then all I feel is his warmth. His forehead is pressed against mine and his arm rests with a comforting weight against my back. We stay that way for a long time before he pulls away.
"Sorry, Bones, I forgot about your back. Did I hurt you?"
I shake my head in denial before realizing that my position probably hinders his ability to see the motion. "No, it didn't hurt," I say aloud. "It actually felt kind of nice."
He's sitting back in the chair, but still holding my hand. Despite his close proximity, he feels so far away and I can't help but feel very alone.
"I know this bed isn't very big and it's probably frowned upon by the hospital staff, but do you think you could hold me for a while?"
I know that I don't have any right to ask this of him, but I do anyway. I need to. I need him. I need him to help me get through this night and I can't explain why. I just know that, for this night at least, I can't do it all alone.
Trying to slide over to make room for him intensifies the pain and I am very thankful for the drugs that are keeping me from screaming. A groan still manages to escape my lips.
"Easy, Bones, you're going to make it worse. Are you sure this is a good idea? I don't want to hurt you."
I'm frustrated and want to scream with that frustration. I need to be held like I've never needed to before and I don't know how to make it clear to him. I never really did do the hugging thing very much or very well. Fresh tears spring to my eyes as a vision of a dark-haired girl with blue eyes appears and she rushes into my arms, wrapping her arms around me fiercely. I will never get to hold our child. I will never get to feel that rush of emotion as she hugs me. I will never get to love her. I will never get to be loved by her. I am sobbing now and don't even try to stop - not that I could.
The pain intensifies as I feel him shift my weight. I must have closed my eyes because I didn't realize that he had moved closer to the bed. The mattress shifts and then I am tucked against his chest. His arms surround me and he kisses the top of my head as my tears wet his shirt.
A/N: All that remains is an epilogue and I promise that it will be more substantial than the prologue. It should be posted soon. Please send me your thoughts in the mean time. Scarlet.