Mutant bride
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Oh, so that's why you had me kill my girlfriend, so I could see the CLOSET?"
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Act 5 – Murder most foul
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Scott reawakens to find himself in a very colourful bar.
"…I got drunk and passed out, didn't I?", he asks hopefully.
"No", says Pyro.
As Scott comes to, he can see Xavier and Rogue looking down at him. Normal….except Xavier is a skeleton with a handlebar moustache.
"A new arrival!", says Xavier cheerfully, where he seems to be drinking copious amounts of scotch.
"He must have fainted", says Rogue
"Yes, because you kissed him, you leech!", says Pyro.
"Are you alright?", asks Rogue, looking at Scott worriedly.
"What?", Scott blinks, "What happened?"
"By Jove, man", says Xavier, "Looks like we've got ourselves a breather!"
"By Jove?", asks Scott, "who's Jove?"
A blue tabby in a chefs outfit grins, looking at him.
"Does he have a dead brother?"
"Yes", says Alex, waving, "I'm part of your kitchen staff"
"He's still soft!", says Leech, poking Scott with a stick.
Scott whimpers, pulling himself to his feet and backing as close to the bar as possible.
"A toast, then!", says Logan, who is dressed like Napoleon, complete with sword through his stomach.
He clinks glasses with Sam, who has a cannonball hole through his chest (da bum bump). As Logan drinks, Sam takes away his sword, so the beer spills into his own glass. As Sam drinks, you see it happily go down through his hole.
"Stealin' Logan's beer is bad", growls Logan, "To the newlyweds"
"Newlyweds?", blinks Scott.
"Oh, in the woods", smiles Rogue, "You said your vows so perfectly"
"I did?", squeaks Scott, seeing the ring on her finger, then blinks again, "I did!"
At this, he begins to smack his head repeatedly on the bar top.
"Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!"
"That never works, Scott", grins Pyro, "you'll only give yourself internal haemorrhaging"
"BONJOUR!", says a overly happy voice.
"….Oh Gods, no", says Scott, blinking up.
Remy's head. Let me repeated that. Remy's HEAD is brought through by Ray, and is deposited on the bar. Remy scuttled over to Scott on little legs
"He has legs in his neck?", asks Pyro, "Ewww, that's the last time I let him use my toothbrush"
"My name is Remy", says Remy, ignoring him, "I am the head waiter"
Crickets chirp.
"…Well, I thought it was good", mutters Remy, "I will be creating your wedding feast!"
Suddenly, Rogue's eyeball pops out of it's socket and Todd, now a maggot pops out.
"Wedding feast?", he grins, "I'm salivating!"
Rogue squeaks, pushing him back into her head and popping her eye back in.
"Maggots, heh heh heh", says Rogue, in a 'what're you gonna do?' voice.
Scott whimpers, backing away into Logan.
"Keep away!", cries Scott.
He makes a grab for Logan's sword.
"I have a…", he pauses, realising he is wielding the sword with Logan still attached, "I've got a dwarf! And I'm not afraid to use him!"
"Grawwwr", says Logan dryly.
"I want questions!", says Scott, waving Logan about, "NOW!"
"Answers", says Logan, "I think you mean answers"
"Thank you", says Scott, "Yes, answers! I need answers! What's going on here? Where am I? Who are you?"
"Well…", says Rogue, "That's kind of a long story…"
"But vhat a story it is!", says a skeleton Kurt from the stage, where he has only one eye and a bowing hat, "A tragic tale of romance, passion, and murder most foul!"
"This is gonna be good", whispers Logan.
Scott realises he's still wielding the little Canadian like a weapon, and promptly drops him on the floor.
"Ow"
Kurt tilts his head to one side, the single eyeball rolling down into the other eyesocket. He clicks a finger at a bunch of skeletal Jamies, who appear to be his own band.
"Hit it boys", says Kurt as the music begins, drumming on a few Jamie Skeleton heads.
"Quddit!", say the Jamies.
Hey, give me a listen
You corpses of cheer
At least those of you
Vho still got an ear
I'll tell you a story
Make a skeleton cry
Of our own jubiliciously
Lovely Corpse Bride
Rogue smiles shyly as the Jamie band sing.
Die, die, we all pass away
But don't wear a frown
Because it's really okay
You might try and hide
And you might try and pray
But we all end up
The remains of the day
Scott tries to sneak away, but Sam yoinks him back to the group as the Jamies boogie.
Na, nah, nah, na, na,
Na, nah, nah, na, na
Kurt hops back on stage.
Well our girl vas a beauty
Known for miles around
He walks over to where Rogue is standing on stage, her shadow making a living silhouette of herself on the wall, a male one joining her.
When a mysterious stranger
Came into town
The 'stranger' bows and kisses shadow Rogue's hand, causing her to swoon.
"A'h don't swoon", growls Rogue, "If a'h do anything, a'h pass out"
He was plenty good looking
But down on his cash
And our poor little baby
She fell hard and fast
Kurt sweeps his sister a little then smirks.
When her daddy said no
She just couldn't cope
So our lovers came up
With a plan to elope
Scott winces as the bar breaks into chorus again.
Die, die, we all pass away
But don't wear a frown
Because it's really okay
You might try and hide
And you might try and pray
But we all end up
The remains of the day
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Kurt kicks the tray with Remy's head up in the air, so Remy sails off through the air. Kurt catches him and rolls him off his shoulders and off to a corner.
"Oww"
Ze-do-bop-ze-do-bop-ze-do-bop-de-deooo
"And now a random pointless dance number", says Pyro, "Dance, Jamie Clones, DANCE!"
The Jamie clones, indeed, perform a random dance number, using pieces of themselves as instruments.
"That sounded so naughty", giggle Pyro.
Kurt giggles a bit crazily.
So they conjured up a plan
To meet late at night
They told not a soul
Kept the vhole thing tight
Now, her mothers vedding dress
Fit like a glove
"Hey, I didn't say you could use that!", snaps Mystique.
You don't need much
Vhen you're really in love
Except for a few things
Or so I'm told
Like the family jewels.
Kurt pauses.
"Ve have family jewels?"
"Just sing the damn song!", snaps Rogue
And a satchel of gold
We cut to silhouette Rogue waiting by a tree, looking around worriedly
Then next to the graveyard
By the old oak tree
On a dark, foggy night
At a quarter to three
She was ready to go
But where was he?
"And then?", says Alex
"She vaited", says Kurt
"And then?", asks Tabby.
"There in the shadows? Vas it her man?"
"And then?", says Ray
"Her little heart beat so loud!", says Kurt
"And then?", asks the kitchen staff in unison.
The silhouette of Rogue is engulfed by and evil villain, who gives an evil villain laugh.
"And then, baby, everything went black", says Kurt, as the room darkens.
"Well, isn't that a nice story?", says Scott dryly, "Makes me feel warm and fuzzy"
When it lightens up, Kurt is lying on the piano.
Now, vhen she opened her eyes
She vas dead as dust
Her jewels vere missing
And her heart vas bust
So she made a vow
Lying under that tree
That'd she'd vait for her true love
To come set her free
Always waiting for someone
To ask for her hand
"…Crappity", says Scott
Scott is pushes at Rogue and the pair do the spinny thing, though Scott has a look of mortal terror on his face rather than joy.
Then out of the blue
Comes this groovy young man
"What have I told you about hanging out with Forge too much?", snaps Pyro.
Vho vows forever
To be by her side
And that's the story
Of our Corpse Bride
As they spin, Rogue's arm detaches, Scott taking it with him. He freaks throwing it away.
Die, die, we all pass away
But don't wear a frown
Because it's really okay
As Kurt does a stage dive, Scott fakes dances his way to the exit, making a break for it.
You might try and hide
And you might try and pray
But we all end up
The remains of the day
Do-bop-de-do-bop-de-bop, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, sings Kurt
"I think we shouldn't give Kurt anymore sugar", says Pyro as the elf bounces around.
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Weee, a rather large act, but I wanted to get the whole song in. Do review. Until next time….