AN: Whew. This chapter was tough. Let me know?
Redhatboxes-- ::grins:: Good point! I took the liberty of thinking that he is very familiar with zero-g, but had never actually swum in an ocean. But you are probably right—as Starfleet he would almost have to have some experience in the water. Racking my brain to think of a situation to put him at a serious physical disadvantage, that was all I could come up with. Emotionally, Vulcans are wide open for all sorts of disadvantages, but physically, well, I wouldn't want to be on the opposing team. Thank you for the CC!
Morning dawned black, as it always did. B'Elanna was dreaming of the sun, and the warmth cresting over the hills of her home colony as the red light pierced her window. In the dream, she had been lying against her lover, and had not wanted to get up out of bed. But the harsh alarm that woke her revealed her bed empty, and the night before came crashing back. He told her that he loved her, and then he had left. Usually when men confessed that they loved her, they tended to stay. She buried her head under the pillow, but the day would not be shut out. Engineering was waiting.
Vorik, however, was not waiting in Engineering. She found that he had already worked his shift—the Gamma shift, for which he had requested a permanent change. Gamma and Alpha shifts would only overlap if they happened to walk through the door at the same time, going opposite directions. She absorbed this in silence, oblivious to the flickering looks in her general direction.
By 08:00 hours, she was furious with him. How dare he arbitrarily change his shift? She was his commanding officer, and that was her decision, no matter what sort of personal feelings he might have. If she could deal with them, then the vaunted dispassionate Vulcan could certainly deal with them.
At 09:13 hours, she was replaying over and over his last words. I can bear this no longer. Had she really tormented him so much? They had fought, and fought well together. She had taught him how to swim, and he had taught her the value of subtlety. Certainly, she might have touched him once or twice, but what was that to the thousands of punishing hours they had clocked hammering into each other? He had bonded her, without her permission. Where was that on the scale of intimacy?
By lunchtime, she was pacing, and no one would come within a meter of her. Her thoughts were deeply troubled, and she couldn't concentrate. It was all a matter of intimacy, she was certain. When he had bonded her, it had been by accident—he had been acting purely on instinct. But the last few weeks, they had been pushing each other's boundaries with full awareness of exactly how much ache it would cause. B'Elanna's hands tingled with remembered heat, and she wiped them on her uniform trousers. He had kissed her to win a battle, and she had curled up against him while he slept, which in retrospect was absolutely unforgivable… touch telepath that he was, and helpless in his unconsciousness, which she had induced. She flushed in shame. Conduct unbecoming an officer. First, he had asked for her hand, and she had humiliated him in combat. Then he had asked for her help, and she had driven him to despair. Her heart thudded in her breast, loud and uncomfortable. In all this time and pain and war, they had formed a bond much deeper than anything that she had expected. Somehow, for the man who had become more than a sparring partner, more than a companion, so much more than a friend, she had to make amends.
The holodeck was running Tuvok 27A.235 when B'Elanna finally reached it, after her watch-shift ended and she took a shower and drank a cup of coffee to steady her nerves. Vorik hadn't been in his quarters, and this was the only other place she knew were to look. She requested entry, and the door opened on Vorik and Tuvok, both in loose pants and tied robes, moving slowly through an ancient dance. Her mission momentarily washed right out of her mind, she just stood and watched in fascinated silence.
She was, of course, familiar with the ancient martial art, but had never seen it performed so slowly. At killing speed, it was breathtaking, but at this meditative, magical pace, she felt time slow down around her. Tuvok was using the Snake style against Vorik, who was using Tiger style. She felt the immense effort of holding the forms in Vorik's lower back and thighs, as he followed through with a forward thrust that Tuvok had already anticipated. The deep lake-like calm and steady balance of the older Vulcan was immediately apparent, and B'Elanna knew that Vorik was in trouble. She felt her heart clutch in her throat, but forced herself to stay absolutely still. She had done enough damage.
With a tap, the match was over. Vorik bowed to his master teacher and mentor, and Tuvok returned the bow with equal respect. Then the tactical officer turned to B'Elanna and eyed her with an uncompromising stare. She returned it, caught up in his eyes, so familiar and yet not. Tuvok nodded to her once.
"I do not like interfering in the personal matters of the crew. However, in this case, I have been asked by the captain to make a request of you both. Work this out, for the benefit of the ship and its crew, and for your own peace." He paused, his brow creasing slightly. "By any means necessary, Lieutenant. Ensign." He nodded also to Vorik, and then without a backward glance, walked out of the holodeck and left them alone.
Vorik gazed at the floor, his mask firmly in place. B'Elanna gathered up her courage, and stepped forward. "I was hoping that you could answer a few questions for me, Vorik."
He met her open gaze carefully, his eyes heavily shielded. The distance between them made her heart ache, but she focused on what she had to do. Any means necessary. Slowly he nodded, and motioned her to a mat on the floor.
They kneeled in one fluid motion, taking familiar places in a new and frightening place. She swallowed and took a deep breath. "Do Vulcans only have sex once every seven years?"
For a moment, she could only hear the stressed sound of his breathing as he struggled for composure. "Is… is that what you believe of me, B'Elanna?" His voice was notched considerably higher with the obvious strain her question had caused him. She felt a nervous laugh bubble up, and forced it down without mercy.
"That's how often the pon farr happens, isn't it? I guess I just assumed, since you don't have sex otherwise, that once every seven years would be all she wrote." She caught a tremor in her voice, but chose to ignore it. If he could be stressed, then by all that was holy, so could she.
He took in a shuddering breath. "Why do you think I have been fighting you?"
"Why do you always answer a question with a question?" she countered. But a growing realization began to fill her like the warm ocean water pouring in on her. He blinked, and broke the fragile thread of eye contact. "Oh. You mean that Vulcans and Klingons aren't so different when everything is stripped away, after all?"
His voice was subdued, but his words were full of passion. "I believed that I could control my desire for you with our battle: our wargames, as you called them, but the more we fought, the stronger my desire for you grew. It is beyond my comprehension." He reached for her hand and clutched it, hanging on to her like a lifeline. "I have asked Tuvok to take the memory of you."
Horror leached through B'Elanna like ice water. "He can do that? You would do that?"
Vorik looked at her, and the bleakness in his expression consumed her like an icy deluge. His dark eyes were pools of anguish. "I must. I am dying every day. Each time that I see you, I die. You invade my dreams, and I am helpless. I have betrayed everything that I know, that I am."
B'Elanna broke then, and wept. Tears poured down her cheeks in hot rivulets, and she bowed over his hands and buried her face against his thigh. Grief and frustration welled out of her as she breathed in deeply and tried to find her focus point. He waited quietly, his hands still clutching hers, now soaked by her tears. Finally, she stilled, and rose to face him. It was time.
"I have one more question for you." He nodded, looking almost calm. She nodded back, taking her courage where she could. "I came here tonight because I was going to offer to bond with you." His eyes widened in shock, but she forged on. "I have realized that the person who has been most wronged has been you, Vorik. I have by turns humiliated and punished you for something you had no control over, and you have borne up under it with remarkable dignity. And somewhere along the path, I at first realized a powerful desire for you, and then fell in love with you." His jaw actually dropped open slightly, but she wasn't stopping now. "But I wasn't honorable in this, either. I seduced you, and then slept in the same bed with you, and I have no idea how much damage that caused. And through all of this, I denied you the one thing you asked—a promise that I would be faithful." Her brow crinkled in pain as she continued. "I realized it today, when you didn't come to Alpha shift, and I fretted and worried and thought over what had happened… and I realized that I was scared that I was going to be committing to a cold relationship with an absent partner." She raised her eyes to his, and met astonishment there. He shook his head numbly.
"Whenever you want me, I will be there, B'Elanna. Just because the pon farr only happens ever seven years… it has been over now for months, and I can't… I…you can't imagine…" He stumbled to silence, unable to even complete the thought. She reached up and pressed a finger to his lips.
"One more question. Will you still have me?"
He simply stared at her for a very long moment. And then, from the depths of despair in his eyes, she watched hope breach like a cresting wave. "Yes." It was all he could manage to say. They spent a long moment in this new, fragile hope, breathing in the possibility of a new existence, one where trust took the place of war. And then Vorik stood, and helped her to stand, and her hands were trembling in his.
"How?" she asked. "I don't know what to do."
"Nor do I," he admitted. But before any flurry of nervousness could disrupt their newfound peace, he touched her lips gently, with an expression akin to wonder. "We will find our way, B'Elanna."
In the end, they decided to stay in the private holodeck, in the temple where they had first spoken to each other. Candles filled the low-ceilinged room with warm, glowing light, and a simple tatami mat on the floor cushioned them from the hard clay. Neither of them would have noticed if the floor had been covered with shards of dilithium. B'Elanna sat opposite Vorik in heady anticipation, and drew strength from the fact that he looked none too calm, either. His eyes sparkled in the dim, golden light, and a thin sheen of perspiration gleamed over the top of his lip. He swallowed uncertainly.
"When I first bonded you, I did not know what I was doing." She thought she saw his olive skin flush a shade darker, but it might have been a trick of the light. "I needed to touch you, but did not understand. Now I know what my instincts were telling me to do. Please allow me to explain." He took a moment to gather his thoughts as she watched the delicate light flicker over his exotic, handsome features. Gone was the pale youthfulness, the planes of his face lean and strong now. She liked the change in him. His gentle voice washed over her thoughts. "The bond is more than just a psychic connection between lovers. It is… a bridge that enables us to share experiences, and emotion in a way that is impossible in everyday life. Vulcans, underneath our millennia of discipline, are a dangerous and violent people. Mating without the bond would be inviting me to murder any man that looked at you with even a hint of want in his eyes." He paused, clearly struggling with sharing something so deeply shaming, and B'Elanna forced herself not to react. But she knew in her heart that he was capable of murder—had known from the beginning that he would snap Tom like a twig if it meant clearing the way to her. Her mouth was dry with this awareness.
"But the bond gives you security?"
"No." His eyebrows came together in a thoughtful expression. "It is not security, or assurance that I seek from you, B'Elanna. The bond is necessary because it allows me to… feel. To feel the natural flow of passion, and love. It is not about possession, but about belonging."
She was confused. "Aren't possession and belonging the same?"
He shook his head, and reached out to stroke her cheek. "It is a matter of choice. When I bond with you, the depth of the connection between us will allow me to accept my emotions for you—my love, my passion, and even less noble emotions like jealousy. Instead of letting them take possession of my actions, they will be under my control, as your emotions are under your control. Do you understand?"
She tilted her cheek into his hand. "I'm not certain I completely understand yet, Vorik, but I accept that in time, I will."
"It is enough." And then he smiled, barely a crinkle of the corners of his eyes and a curling up of the corners of his mouth, but he looked completely charming, and her fears and hesitancy melted into the pooling warmth in her belly. She took his hands in hers and pressed them against her throat, as she remembered he had done a lifetime ago. Startled, he did flush this time, and she grinned back, heat rushing through her in waves now, overwhelming her senses. His eyes closed, his features framed in peaceful ecstasy, as the bond flowed through his hands and into her. Nothing she had felt before prepared her for this. Before, she had fought it… now she hung on to his forearms and let her body fall back into his keeping. Light flooded through her, and with it an extraordinary awareness of him… as if he were not just beside her but inside her, as if they shared the same womb and breathed in the same breath, beat the same blood through the same heart. And then, she did understand, and knew that words would never have been able to express this perfect symmetry of being.
When he kissed her, the feeling of completeness faded only slightly, to where she was able to separate her reactions from his. She had never wanted anyone more in her life, couldn't imagine wanting anyone as much as she wanted him. His mouth was a hot brand against her lips, her cheek, and she surged across the gap between them with single-minded passion, not able to hold anything back, and broke against him. They crashed to the ground, half off the mat, and B'Elanna though she heard the sound of tearing cloth, but something was in the way, in between her skin and his, and she tore at it, consumed by the sharp, satisfying snap of his teeth nipping at her neck. A snarl in her ear drove her to near-frenzy, and there was nothing but desire, and wave after wave, and he underneath and then throwing her over and above his strength more than a match for her own… this body she knew so intimately… he did not shatter. Worthy… blood and silk and all consuming fire. He did not shatter.