Ok, I'm slowly getting more ideas to continue the story. If you're just tuning into this, you might want to read my first three stories, "Old Shoes", "Son of Man", and "Lady Liberty", otherwise you might get lost in certain places. I have to say this is pretty hard stuff to write about. It's one thing to write about falling in love and flirting, but dealing with the psychology of a rape victim has been very challenging. Let me know your thoughts. I hope this isn't too depressing. I'm usually a comedy writer and I tried to add some in as much as I could, but it's not really a comedic piece and I'm trying really hard not to make it fluffy or melodramatic. Happy Holidays to everyone. Scarlett

Finding Stability

Elliot sat in the waiting room of the Mount Sinai Hospital waiting for Olivia's results. He was exhausted, but he couldn't leave. The nurse came out to tell him he could go to Olivia's room, and he walked heavily to the door. She lay on the bed in a deep sleep. She was hooked up to an I.V. and there were bruises on her face, neck, and arms.

Elliot turned to the nurse and asked, "Is she going to be ok?"

The nurse nodded and said, "She's got a couple stitches from the rape, she's bruised, and dehydrated, but she's very healthy otherwise. She'll be able to leave when her I.V. runs out."

Elliot asked, "And what about her blood and urine tests?"

The nurse touched his arm and warmly replied, "Negative."

Elliot let out a huge sigh of relief. He was slowly but surely shedding his stress one level at a time. He took his coat off and sat in a chair next to her bed. His eyes became heavy as he stared at Olivia's face. She looked so peaceful. He was upset at himself for letting this happen to her. As he watched her slowly breathe, his eyes started to close until he fell into a deep sleep.

Scene

Elliot felt himself snoring and he jerked suddenly waking himself up. He wiped the drool from the side of his face and rubbed his eyes open.

Olivia was smiling and starring at him.

"What did I tell you about working to hard?" she said softly with her usual sarcasm.

Elliot gave her a smile and asked, "How are you?"

"I'm alive", she said as she took a sip of coffee from the cup on her hospital breakfast tray. "As soon as this I.V. gets taken out they said I could go home."

"What can I say Olivia Benson, you're a strong woman." Elliot grabbed Olivia's hand and traced her knuckles with his thumb. Elliot looked at the cup in her hand, "Are you drinking coffee?"

She smirked at his comment and replied, " A strong woman needs a strong drink."

"You know, most people like to take care of strong drinks at the bar, but not you. If you want I can go see if they could just hook the coffee beans into your I.V." Elliot jabbed back.

They both laughed and in walked Fin, Munch, Casey Novak, Melinda Weaver, Dr Huang, and Captain Cragen.

"Well look whose awake and causing hell?" Munch said with a warm smile. He walked over to Olivia and gave her a long tight huge. Fin handed her flowers and kissed her hand, "We're glad to see you Olivia Benson. You gave us a pretty good scare." Each of them took turns hugging her. Cragen held out his arms and embraced Olivia with tears in his eyes. "It's good to have you with us."

"Thanks guys. I missed you too." Olivia said as she wiped her tears to the side. "Ah, look at me crying. You guys, you're not supposed to make me cry. Who's holding down the fort, I think you brought the whole office with you."

They all laughed with tears in their eyes.

Just then the doctor came in and said, " Hey, what's going on in here? Olivia, are you having a party without me?"

Olivia laughed, "Yes, I'm a real party animal."

The doctor smiled, "I'm glad everything is going well in here. Olivia, I came to take the I.V. out and to tell you that you are free to go. If you need a moment I can come back."

"Could you give us a minute? Thanks." And she gave a smile to everyone in the room. Her smile was faded but not gone from her hopeful face. The sight of it made everyone feel relieved that she was finally safe.

Cragen's beeper started going off and he looked at Fin and Munch. "Actually, we have to go Oliv. You take your time getting yourself together and when you're ready to come back, you let me know. And Liv, I mean it, take some time off."

She looked down at her wrists that were bruised from the restraints and then looked back up. "I will Captain. Thanks."

He squeezed her hand and he and the boys walked out.

Everyone took their turn visiting. They were all trying to make the best of a bad situation. Olivia could tell that they were uncomfortable. Even Casey refused to talk about work, which was unusual for her. For now ignoring it felt like the best thing to do. When the doctor came by a second time, they all left going their separate ways.

Elliot was the last one in the room and he stood by the hospital window. He looked up at her and said, "Well, I'll let you get your things together and we can get out of here."

Olivia grabbed his hand, "Elliot, I never got to thank you."

Elliot stopped her, "No don't say that. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be in this mess."

Olivia dropped his hand, "Elliot you can't blame yourself for this. It could have happened to anyone."

Elliot didn't want to argue the issue with her, so he just dropped it, "Yeah. Let me know when you're ready. I'll be outside the door." Elliot grabbed his coat and left the room closing the door behind him.

Olivia sat in silence thinking about Elliot's abrupt exit. She felt estranged in her own mind and body. Slowly she turned herself on the bed to stand up and she could feel the stitches between her legs. She sat in stillness thinking about what she had just been through. The flashes of orange and brown wallpaper. The pipe that dug deep inside of her. The darkness. The loneliness. The loss of all hope. She started to twitch from the thoughts and she stopped herself. "Don't do that Liv." She thought to herself. She stood up and saw a fresh outfit from her closet sitting on the chair. She wondered how it got there and assumed that Elliot had gone to her place and picked it out. She slid the jogging pants on one leg at a time and a flash of blood from her memory appeared on her thigh. "Stop it Olivia", she said to herself. She quickly pulled her gown off and fastened her bra with her eyes closed. She didn't want to see her skin. The thought of her skin reminded her of everything she wanted to forget. Faster she pulled her shirt over her head and slipped on her shoes.

She was losing her breath and the room was starting to close in on her. Quickly she opened the door and walked into the hallway breathing heavily.

"Are you ok?" Elliot said with concern on his face.

"Yeah. I'm great. Lets get out of here." She replied as she crossed her arms and walked away from Elliot's stare.

Scene

The whole way home Olivia nervously thought about how she was going to forget about her mistakes and her pain. As much as she wanted to be with Elliot, his presence was strangely making her panic. She wanted more then ever to go back to where they had left off 7 days ago. She sat in the passenger seat lost in her unsure thoughts of how to handle her sudden lack of confidence in everything she did or thought.

Elliot parked his car near Olivia's apartment. Before they got out Olivia asked, "Are you staying here?"

" Is that a problem?" Elliot replied.

"No, it's just that you don't usually do that." Olivia said.

"I could drop you off, but then I'd have to sit in the car by myself all night."

Olivia paused and gave him a look.

Elliot quickly changed his sarcasm, "Hey, if you need to be alone that's fine. I understand."

Olivia stopped him, "No, you can come up. I, but …"

" what?"

She wanted to say that she wished he were coming up because they just had an amazing time at the Opera or at dinner, but she held that back and put up her usual walls.

" Elliot, I don't want you to think that I need help all of the time. I mean, I appreciate this, especially tonight, but I can take care of myself. I've been doing it since grade school. Just because I'm a rape victim doesn't mean that anything has changed."

There was silence on his end and she could sense he was uncomfortable. She wondered if he still found her attractive. Her face was all mangled and her insides were torn apart. She felt completely foolish in front of Elliot all of the sudden. Her mind started racing between Elliot and her rapist, " Why did I give up? Elliot thinks you can't defend yourself. If I would have not brought up his mother it might have stopped. Elliot will never trust you as a partner again. I should have known better" she thought. She kept thinking terrible things and exaggerating them. She was mentally beating herself up and second-guessing her actions. Suddenly she was being shaken awake from her thoughts.

Elliot shook her, "Liv? Olivia."

"Huh." She pulled herself out of her mind and starred dizzily at Elliot.

"You went off somewhere. Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired" She said half hardily.

"I'm coming up."

Olivia sat up in her seat to stop him, "No, Elliot, really, I know how to take care of this."

Elliot could tell that she was having a power struggle. She wasn't convincing him at all. Very gently he looked into her eyes and replied, "Oliv, you don't have to explain yourself. I know what you're capable of. I just want to be a good friend and you shouldn't be alone right now."

"There he said it" Olivia thought. Her insides turned at the word "friend". She hated being in such a weak-minded position. She looked out the window and then coldly turned to answer his comment, "Elliot, you are a good friend. I'm really ok though. I know what I have to do to get over this and I think it would be better if I did it without a bodyguard." After she finished her statement she opened the car door and slammed it shut.

Elliot followed her, " Did I say something wrong?"

Her eyes started to water and she walked away to hide it, "I'm sorry. It's not you. I just need some time."

"Olivia, of course you need time, but this isn't healthy. I can help you." She took fast strides towards her building.

Elliot yelled towards her, "Olivia, at least let me come up and make you dinner. Stop. Will you just wait a second?"

She stopped at the door with her back towards him. She was too ashamed to look at his face. She couldn't believe the way she was acting, but she couldn't control herself.

Elliot stopped behind her. He was afraid to touch her for fear he might cause a bad reaction, so he softly spoke to her, "Olivia, can we talk about this? Listen, I won't stay if that's not what you want, but I think you or we need to be here for each other. You've been through hell and back, and I've been in hell knowing that. What are you thinking?"

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it." She held the side of her head as it pounded from all of the stress.

Elliot didn't want to force her to do anything for fear it would make things worse. "We don't have to talk about it right now. That's fine, but we both need to eat, and I think you like my company. I make some mean spaghetti. "

Olivia stood still for a moment taking it all in. She turned halfway towards him hiding the side of her face with the cut on it. With a blank expression she slowly replied, "Ok, you can come up, but only for spaghetti."

As much as she wanted to be alive and happy standing next to Elliot in her elevator, she felt an empty darkness growing inside of her. Her head was pounding as they road the elevator up to her apartment. Elliot didn't know what to do. He was caught between taking charge and letting her go. He knew she was bad at excepting help when she needed it.

They reached Olivia's apartment and went inside. There on the island in her kitchen was a bouquet of flowers and a grocery bag with food for dinner inside.

Olivia looked at it with a stone face, "You did this?"

All the sudden he felt foolish, "Yeah, when you were sleeping I came back to make sure everything was ready for you to come home to. I hope that wasn't out of place. I just wanted…" This was where Elliot would normally make a joke and hide the fact that he cared or had feelings for anyone, but he was afraid of her reaction. "I wanted you to feel safe." Elliot ignored her absolute non-reaction and dug into the bag to start up dinner.

Olivia walked to her bedroom. She wanted to just let everything inside of her go, but she was afraid of losing him. She didn't want him to see her dirty and weak. He was being so very open with her, but he wasn't quite himself. She could feel the tension in his choice of words. It wasn't as playful as their normal patter. Without saying a word she noticed that her living room was cleaned and her bed was made. Her head started spinning. "What am I doing? Why would he do all of this?" she thought. Tears started rolling down her face. She hated herself for crying again. Each tear made the cry harder to control and she sobbed out loud.

Her sob alarmed Elliot and he dropped the jar of spaghetti sauce in his hand. It hit the floor and splashed everywhere, "Shit" he cried as he tried to grab for the paper towels and not step on glass at the same time. In his attempt he slide on the sauce and got it all over the leg of his pants. He was now kneeling on the floor covered in sauce. Olivia turned to see what made the noise and as she watched him juggle the sauce and himself she slowly started to laugh and cry at the same time. "What, you think this is funny?" Elliot joked.

Elliot tried to get up and he hit his head on the open silverware drawer. He went back down to his knees and cried in pain, "Ohhhh. Can I get some help here?"

She grabbed the paper towels and tried to help him off of the floor. Her tears became hysterical and then they became a loud wale of laughter. Elliot grabbed hold of her and they both fell of over. He reached for the paper towels in her hand and wiped a bit of sauce on her nose as he pulled his hand back. "Take that for laughing at me."

She squealed and lunged toward him grabbing some sauce from the floor with her hand. She wiped the sauce on his forehead, "You missed a spot."

" Oh, that's it, you're going down." He sat up and grabbed her around the waste. They had spaghetti sauce all over themselves. Olivia pulled him to the ground in her living room and rolled him on his back. There she placed all of her weight from her torso up onto his chest.

Elliot looked at her face with the sauce on her nose. He was so happy to see her laugh. He wanted to kiss her, but he knew that would be a bad idea after what just happened in the car. Olivia noticed Elliot looking at her face and she grew self-conscious. She quickly backed away. "Wait" he said to her. He pulled her face towards his and wiped the sauce from her nose. "Its' just sauce. " He starred into her eyes and without thinking he just said it, "You're beautiful, Olivia." He cursed himself for saying that as soon as it came out of his mouth.

Olivia stood up quickly. She was relieved to hear the compliment, but unsure of what to do about it all. She decided to pretend she never heard it. "You know when you said you made a mean spaghetti I didn't realize you would take it out on my floors."

Elliot took a breath of relief at her sarcasm, "Yeah, well you're lucky it was only the floor. The last time I made spaghetti my son's plate ended up on the ceiling."

Olivia felt comforted by his comment and things felt normal, at least for the moment.

Scene

Elliot slept on the couch that night and Olivia tossed and turned in her bed. She tiptoed out to the kitchen for a glass of water and a sleeping pill. Elliot shot up like a lightening bolt.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Olivia said.

He grunted to a standing position, "That's ok. You can't sleep?"

A little embarrassed she said, "No. I've got some sleeping pills from the hospital. No worries. You can go back to sleep."

"Ok." he replied as he stretched his back and sat back down on the couch. He watched her pour the water into her glass and noticed she was wearing gloves.

Olivia spoke to him from the kitchen, "Sorry, it's not the best couch in the world."

"No, it's brand new. It's literally the cleanest, hardest, and smallest couch I've ever encountered." He said as he fluffed his pillow.

"Do you want my bed?" Olivia asked.

Elliot turned to her apologetically, "No, that's not what I meant. Liv, I'm fine. You need to sleep. Are you cold?"

"What? Oh the gloves….No, it's a skin treatment." She lied. She couldn't sleep because she kept thinking of her rapist touching her skin. It was the only way to calm her constant feeling of him and the itching.

She turned towards her room, "Good night", and got in bed. Five minutes later she got back up and walked over to the couch. She knelt down on the floor and placed his hand on the side of her head. He looked down at her and played with her hair. "Do you need me to do anything for you?"

"I don't know. I keep having the same dream over and over again."

"Do you want to talk about?"

"No. Would it be terrible if I sat with you until I fell asleep?"

"Terrible? Never. But do you want to lay down?"

"I'm ok." She yawned

He sat up, lifted her into his arms, and placed her in her bed. Then he slowly got into bed with her. "I'll stay here until you fall asleep. Ok?" She grabbed his arm and placed it around her torso.

"Is this ok?" Elliot asked. He wanted to hug her tightly, but he was afraid to make the wrong move.

"Yeah, this is good." Olivia was frustrated that he wouldn't grab her and keep her close. She sat with her eyes closed until the sleeping pill took her to dreamland.

Scene

Elliot's cell phone went off around 5 in the morning. He groggily answered, "Stabler."

Cragen was on the other line, "Elliot, I hate to do this to you, but Munch and Fin have been working non-stop for days. There's a rape homicide on 14th and 37th."

Elliot yawned, "Yeah, I'll be there in a few."

Olivia sat up, "New case?"

Elliot nodded, "You go back to sleep. I'll stop by later."

"I'll go with you." Olivia said as she sat up and looked for her pants.

"Liv, you need to stay here. You're on vacation."

"I'm on sick leave, and I'm not sick. Let me go with you." She said while pulling her arm away from his hand.

Elliot stood in front of the doorway to her bedroom, "Liv, this is a rape homicide you are under no condition to handle this right now."

"I think I would know how to handle a rape victim better then you." She snapped back at him.

"That's not fair. Don't play that card, Liv. You're better then that. You need to take your own advice and take a few days off."

She knew he was right and she sat on the bed defeated.

Elliot knelt down next to her. "Liv, you're going to be fine. You'll be out on a case before you know it, but you can't take on someone else's problems until you take on your own. Do you have an appointment with Dr. Huang?"

She nodded.

"Ok. Get some rest and do what you need to do. "

With a dazed look on her face she replied, "Yeah, go on. You need to get going."

Elliot was conflicted about leaving. He had never won an argument that easily with her before. She didn't seem to be herself. He tied his shoes and the door clicked behind him. Olivia sat in silence. She tried to close her eyes and fall asleep but the pictures of a scarred face kept popping into her mind. Just when she thought she couldn't handle the silence or the back of her eye lids any longer her radio alarm clock went off. She decided to start her long day of vacation. In the bathroom she sat on the lid of the toilet trying to convince her self that she could take her clothes off to get into the shower. She turned her radio up and the morning DJ blabbed on about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. The mirror on the wall gave her a clear reflection of her bruised face and neck. Olivia stared into the mirror. The cut on her face appeared to be bleeding. A line of blood ran down her cheek. She touched it and tried to stop the blood, but there was no blood to wipe off. Her mind was playing tricks on her again. She was so upset by her thoughts that she pulled all of the mirrors off of the walls and placed a towel over the vanity above the sink. She took a deep breath and slowly pulled off her pajama pants. She kept her head up so that she wouldn't have to see her skin. The stitches between her legs where burning, but she refused to look at them. With her eyes closed she removed her shirt and squinted through her lids to find the faucet on the bathtub. When the water felt hot enough she slipped in. It was her first shower at home. The water beat on her face and chest. The muscles in her body relaxed. KT Tunstall's song came on the radio. "Not this song again," Olivia thought. Every morning she heard the same set of songs. Normally she would have changed the channel, but she was relieved to have a familiar routine again. She started singing and dancing around to the music. "Suddenly I see, this is what I long to be. La la la la it means so much to me." Her thoughts took her to Elliot and she smiled while she sang and lathered. For a few moments she felt comfortable in her skin again. The song ended and the news came on. Her happy thoughts flickered slowly away when the woman spoke of her case, "After Detective Olivia Benson was found strapped to the side of the Statue of Liberty on Saturday the 12th, police found that her abductor, James Preston, was mentally and physically abused by his mother Margaret Turintin. Margaret will be on trail for the cause of these- " Olivia froze in the shower. The name of her abductor took her straight into a nightmare that seemed to be following her. She imagined a thousand eyes were starring at her naked body in the shower. Her mind went numb and she stood in a panic as she flashed into the dark room she had vacated for 4 days. The stitches started to burn as the soap washed down her body with the warm water. Thoughts of his body being forced inside of her came rushing into her mind. A tingling sensation surged through her insides and her stomach became ill with pain. Her head became light and fuzzy and the hot water seemed to be making her feel worse. She jumped out of the shower and vomited in the toilet. There on the wet tile she sat shaking and gasping for breath. Glimpses of her flesh threw her into a tantrum on the floor. She tried to hide herself by squatting into a ball, but she could feel him touch her and she could see the blood. She began to rock back and forth as she cried away her pain.