I hadn't been sure how I'd handle pregnancy, childbirth, and ultimately motherhood, so I should have been relieved at the news. But I wasn't; I was devastated by it and became depressed. I left the running of the ranch and store to Chavez and secreted myself in the house. That was a mistake. Every bad thing that had happened over the past two years came to mind constantly. I barely slept because I was alternately tormented by nightmares of my worst memories and wistful, happy dreams about holding a newborn baby in my arms. These dreams were so vivid I'd wake up in a cold sweat and break down in tears. At this point, I seriously thought I was losing my sanity.
My feelings of shame started to interfere with my marriage. I sometimes had problems sleeping in the same bed with my husband; lovemaking was out of the question. I was fortunate that I'd married Chavez, because he was very patient with me, respected my feelings, and would always lend an ear.
After a while, I realized no good could come of my sulking and hiding. There was nothing I could do about my problem, so I should continue with my life. It wasn't fair to make Chavez do all the work. Besides, I'd probably have fewer nightmares if I was tired out from a long day on the cattle drive.
The afternoon of this epiphany, I marched out to the barn. I spent some quality time with Storm Cloud, grooming and stroking him. I put on his bridle, jumped on his bare back, and left the barn at full gallop. My senses reawakened so suddenly, so intensely that it was like being reborn. I felt incredibly alive as the wind whipped my hair off my face. My leg muscles tingled with the effort of remaining tight so I wouldn't lose my grip on Storm's sides; the pure, fierce strength of his four legs pounding beneath me was intoxicating.
Storm's breathing grew labored, so I pulled back on the reins to stop him. I laid against his back, letting my legs relax again. I closed my eyes and let the sun warm my face, listening to the peaceful sound of Storm Cloud chomping on grass as he grazed. I waited for him to finish before sitting back up. When we got back to the barn, the sun was low in the sky and Chavez was bedding Sparks Flying down for the night.
I grinned as I dismounted, still exhilirated from my ride.
"I'm glad to see you're not upset, Querida," said Chavez, planting a soft kiss on my lips. "You were worrying me."
I pulled back slightly from the kiss when I felt something bump up against my leg. I looked down and realized Chavez had several dead rattlesnakes tucked into his belt.
"You brought supper back with ya," I observed. "Chavez, you do know how to turn a girl's head."
He slipped an arm around my waist. "Come on. Let's go back to the house and get these guys ready."
Neither of us were terribly hungry that night, so we cleaned about three of the snakes and saved the remaining four for another occasion. Once my appetite was satisified, I gathered up my knife collection and headed to the backyard. I tossed the knives at a fencepost until my shoulders ached and I lost my good throwing dagger in the bushes.
Chavez was still in the kitchen, looking out the window. He looked sleepy, but I knew he wouldn't have gone to bed unless he saw me come inside. Exhausted but happy once more, we snuggled under our quilt together.