She folded her arms tightly over her chest. "I didn't feel anything." she said sharply. Lies. Unfortunately for James, Lily was a good liar. "I didn't feel a thing in that kiss, other than your lips on mine. And I don't want this. I never have and never will." Lies, lies, and more lies. Lily hated the way she felt about it. It hurt, and yet she couldn't seem to stop inflicting pain upon herself. It was like some sick emotional suicide.
"I don't know why I led you on this far, and I'm sorry, but this wont work. I'm sorry, James." she repeated. She did feel bad. Horrible, in fact. She couldn't describe why she was doing this, other than that she was afraid. She was terrified of the feelings her arch-enemy was inspiring. She was scared of what it all might mean.
'She's lying. She has to be lying.' James thought, but her words still hurt him. In fact it felt more like she had ripped out his heart, stomped on it, then it in an ice box to freeze. Well whether she was lying or not, there was not much else James could do. He had given his best attempt, and maybe it just wasn't good enough.
"Well, if you find a change of heart, you know where to find me." And with that he concentrated on his shoes.
Lily glanced up at him for a moment, before looking back down; folding her arms over her chest so tightly that is was painful. One evening in a broom closet, one or two kisses, wasn't going to sway her. She wouldn't allow that. It wouldn't be right, would it? Somewhere inside, she felt the inspiration to start crying. She wasn't sure why. She wasn't sure why she'd kissed him, nor why she wanted to cry, nor why she was inflicting so much emotional pain upon herself. Perhaps she was just somehow sadistic, and didn't want to allow herself to be roped into his affections. Maybe she was just lonely at the moment and wanted someone, anyone, to hold her. Even Potter. But she quickly reminded herself it was Potter in question at the moment, and focused on everything bad he'd done over the years, from tormenting Severus to hexing innocent standers-by in her general proximity.
"I wont." she said quietly and coldly at his last comment. She sounded like someone who'd just lost someone very dear. That numb, cold, absent voice.
James felt the coldness of her voice. He felt it go up his spine and seep throughout the rest of his body. He refused to look up at her, refused to see a look of stone upon her face that was most likely there. He couldn't take another ounce of heartbreak, especially after what had just happened. He felt as if she had put him on a tether, pulling him closer and closer only to let him go the moment he reached her.
He reached over and retrieved his glasses from where she had set them, and put them on. He hoped that Filch would come along soon and open the bloody door, so that James could skip breakfast and crawl into his bed and lay there for the rest of eternity.
Unbeknownst to the girl, she and James were sharing the exact same thoughts. She wanted out of this wretched closet this moment, and she wanted to go to bed and stay there for the next several days. She willed Filch to get up there, to find them. She wanted one of the other girls in the tower to realize she was missing and call the teachers to go find her. For the first time in her life, Lily wanted to get away from Hogwarts, just so she'd be away from James. Not so much because she hated him; because now, suddenly, if she so much as thought about that electric sensation his kiss had caused, or even how his glasses had felt in her fingers as she removed them, she felt a cold stab in her chest.
The teen focused on feeling hate and thinking bad things. "I'm going to sleep." she announced in a voice not much louder than a whisper, leaning against the nearest wall and closing her eyes, arms still firmly crossed over her chest.
James doubted she'd be able to sleep, he knew he couldn't. He took his wand from the spot where he had set it, light still shining brightly from the tip, and murmured "Nox," and they were left in darkness. As much as he was hurting inside from her comments, a small fire still burned in a part of him from the electricity of that kiss. It was like they had become one person on that moment, two people welded together as one. It was like nothing he had ever experienced. But it was gone now; all that left was that feeling inside, and a strange numb sensation in his lips.
The closet was dead silent, except for the breaths of the venting Lily, and the occasional sighs of the heartbroken James. As he feared, they were back exactly where they started, except multiplied by ten. He loved her even more, and it would appear that she hated him even more. All it had taken was an immature boy pulling a level-headed girl into a closet, where they both lost their senses and now sat in the dark, silent.
Lily felt something hot and wet roll down her cheek, and there was a slight rustle as she quickly and angrily swiped the tear away. Lily Evans did not cry. She clenched her jaw and screwed her eyes tightly shut. Why was this happening to her? James was a git! She hated him! One kiss surely couldn't change all that.
The darkness engulfed her, falling down heavily like some horrible blanket meant to smother her. Inhaling deeply, she swallowed her tears with a gulping noise. She felt so horrible. And yet, she didn't got to him. She didn't wrap her arms around him, or kiss him, or lay her head on his shoulder. She just sat there, frowning into the dark, fighting tears and all means of other unsavory emotions from reaching her face.
James heard Lily gulp. A gulp like that could only be resulted from one thing, crying. Was she crying? James had never seen Lily cry. His heart broke a bit more, not for himself, but for her. There's something that happens when a boy sees, or even hears the girl he loves cry, it kills them inside and they would do anything to make them stop, to make them better. That's exactly what was happening to James now, his heart reached out to her.
"Lily…" he said softly, reaching a hand over to touch her shoulder. "Lily are you okay?" He voiced this in a way which had a pleading sense to it, almost as if he were going to cry himself.
Her entire body tensed. "I'm fine." she said in a low voice that clearly said 'no, I'm not'. She mentally swore so badly a sailor would have blushed. She leaned away from him, pressing herself against the wall as much as was possible. It was in that moment Lily realized just why she was doing what she was doing: She was afraid. She was terrified of letting down the perfect front she'd kept up for so long. She'd very nearly let it down earlier, taking away her strong and independent image to let James see that, in reality, she wasn't perfect. She was weak, and couldn't handle her own emotions. She was terrified of the unexplainable, which was exactly what she was facing.
James felt her move away from his hand. He sighed and said in a bold, yet soft at the same time voice,
"Lily, it's just you and me here. You don't have to pretend for anyone. It's just you and me, Lily; it's just you and me." He repeated those words over, and over in hopes that it would some how come her down, or something. He wasn't sure what he was doing anymore, he just hoped that this would some how make her stop crying and make everything better.
"I'm fully aware it's just you and me." she growled. "If you hadn't noticed, you're the entire reason we're here alone together." she sighed angrily. His mantra of it just being the two of them was pounding into her head, and it was making her want more than ever to reach out and collapse into his arms. "I hate you." she snapped again, desperate to try to make the statement true again.
"Leave me alone," she whined, losing steam. She was fighting a losing battle at this point; James' pestering was working.
"Why are you fighting this? What have you got to lose?" James asked. When he thought about it, he couldn't see a reason behind her rejecting him. She obviously felt something, she had after all deliberately kissed him, and she was crying. So why was she persisting to push him away?
"I..." she began hotly, pausing to think. "I don't know, alright?!" she shrilled. "I don't know why! I just know I hate you and want you to sod off!" She didn't even sound entirely convinced herself. Now, she noted, she was furious with herself for letting him know about her confusion and how very upset he was making her. Perhaps she'd be able to do some sort of memory charm on him later to make him forget all of this mess.
James could now tell that she was using this "get away from me" technique as a way to hide how she felt, there were no real threats in anything she said. All he heard in her voice was a longing, a longing to be loved and held and treated like every girl should. So he did just that, he grabbed her and held her there, and held her tight because he knew she would try to struggle. The fact that he held her tight sent more of an "I care about you" vibe then it did a "I'm trying to smother you vibe." So he decided to stay just like that for as long as it took.
"Get the hell off of me!" she screamed, wriggling against his arms as if he were a murderer. "Get off!" she demanded again. These protests went on for several minutes, before Lily got tired, and realized that she was acting terribly unlike herself with all this anger and yelling. So she sat there, very stiffly, allowing herself to be held by him. At first, every thought in her mind was dark. She wanted to hurt something. But gradually, she began to notice the faint feeling of security and warmth in the dark, cool closet.
"You're a git." she muttered at him, sighing heavily, but relaxing a bit regardless.
"Yeah…I know." He responded. Once he felt that she wasn't going to try to escape, he loosened his grip a bit, and began once more stroking her hair.
He wondered what the expression on Sirius' or Remus' face would be if they suddenly opened the door to the closet, Sirius would probably yell and scream and whoop like an idiot, and Remus would probably smile and walk away shaking his head. If Lily and James ended up as a couple, would people be shocked? Or would everyone think "finally!" He thought these things as he sat there, holding Lily, feeling her breathe in, and breathe out again, her breaths slowly calming, becoming more serene.
She allowed him to stroke her hair at first. Only tolerating it. But as it progressed, somehow she couldn't help but lean against him a bit. Lily loved to have her hair fussed with; it was extremely relaxing. Shocked to find herself a bit drowsy even, she had to give her head a small shake to keep herself awake. "James. What are we going to do once we're out of this closet?" she asked, as if to try to make him see the problems she saw at the moment: The future.
"Well…" he said sighing, "That's up to you." which it was, he would of course be all for a relationship with her, in fact he hoped on it. "You know my answer." James said continuing to stroke her hair. "But don't worry about that now, once we get out of here, will figure out what to do. Right now, just focus on this."
"Procrastinator." she observed, but did as she was told. She slowly felt herself lean more and more against him, falling into his embrace. Staring into the dark, her mind raced, as always. Breathing down to a positively relaxed rate, she absently allowed her head to rest against his shoulder, the top of her head brushing his cheek. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything you want." James replied dreamily, he too was feeling a bit drowsy.
"Why do you always act like you do? Or is this all an act right now?" she asked, feeling her eyes droop and close. She'd just rest them for a moment, then. It wasn't good to strain them in the dark, after all, and she'd had an extremely stressful evening. Her breathing slowed further, becoming deeper and deeper with each breath.
James thought on this for a moment. He knew why he acted like he did, it was out of fear. But would he want to tell Lily this?
"This isn't an act, not at all." He stated, "When I act like a git, that's an act. Most of the time at least." he hesitated before continuing, "I guess I just act like that…because I get scared of what people will think about me. And if I put on an act, they can't hurt me, because it's not really me. If that makes any sense…" he finished, trailing off.
She nodded sleepily. "Perfect sense." she muttered, finding opening her eyes back up exceedingly difficult. In fact, the world itself seemed to be slipping away. The only thing that remained clear at all was James and his breathing. Subconsciously, she matched their breaths, head falling a bit more to the side. She tried to think up something to add to the conversation, but found herself rapidly losing motor functions. Within a few more moments, Lily had fallen asleep in his arms, and James was not far behind.