James stood there. Stunned at first, then slowly a look of sadness swept over his face. How was he supposed to respond to that? She had just flat out told him that she didn't like him, though he still felt that little tug in his heart that she was lying. Regardless if she was or not, he had no power over it. So instead of persisting, he took one step back, dug his hands in his pockets, and walked away. He just walked away without another word, or so much of a glance at Lily. He strode over to the library door, flung it open, and retreated to the same spot by the lake where he had sat days previous.
It had finally struck him that begging and pleading and attempting to win Lily over wasn't going to work. Showing her that he was "a new man," wouldn't help at all. She either cared for him, or she didn't. There was absolutely nothing he could do about it.
Lily watched him leave, and something deep inside her heart willed him to turn back around as he walked away... to say something to her. To grab her by the shoulders and kiss her. Something, anything, other than looking so hurt like that and walking away without a word. Her lips parted slightly and she watched him until he disappeared from her sight. Shaken, Lily gulped a bit and smoothed her hair, before gathering her things again and returning to her previously inhabited corner and getting back to her lesson.
Still, something nagged at her and tugged at her chest and mind. That look he'd given her haunted the girl. That hurt, as if she'd just ripped away the world from under him. Indeed, it was troubling. So troubling that Ms. Evans, come one that morning, was still sitting in the Common Room, staring into the fire. She felt guilty, despite not being willing to admit she'd done something horribly wrong. She mentally cursed James for doing this to her... for making her question herself and shaking the very foundations on which she'd stood all these years. Sighing, she glanced to the grandfather clock across the room. 1:14am. And still not even remotely tired. Damn.
James was well aware that it was extremely past curfew. He was well aware and he didn't care. He had been haunting around the halls for quite some time now, not really wanting to return to the common room and have to lay in his bed, thoughts eating away at him. So instead he let them eat away at him as he strode around the castle.
He was now making his way back, grudgingly, to the Gryffindor Common Room.
Once through the portrait hole, and into the room, he spotted Lily, sitting in a chair gazing at the dying fire. The fire cast a yellow glow upon her, making her hair shine brightly, and her skin have a smooth parchment tint. James didn't know what to do besides stand there, he didn't want to have her see him sulk up the stairs, but he didn't exactly want to be standing here either.
Lily had uncanny hearing, so it was odd when she didn't immediately notice him. Still, it only took a few moments for the girl to get from her thoughts and look to him. What to say? Should she be quiet? No. She felt that she needed to say something soft and gentle, to perhaps soften the blow she'd inflicted earlier. Lily was sharp-tongued and critical, but not by any stretch of the imagination was she cruel.
Not on purpose, at any rate.
She cleared her throat. "Its late." she observed, her voice ringing due to the room's emptiness, despite talking quietly. "You should have been in bed hours ago."
"So should you." James retorted softly.
He still didn't move, for fear of her jumping out of her seat to yell at him again. So instead he stood there looking like an idiot, not like he really cared anymore, in her eyes he was already an idiot so it didn't really matter now did it?
She was silent for a while, just staring at him, before looking back into the fire. "Can't sleep." she muttered, drawing her pajamaed legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, resting her chin on her knees. Startlingly red locks cascaded like spun blood over back and around her face.
"Did we have patrol tonight and I forgot?" she asked into the quiet of the room.
"Uh…no. I was just taking a walk." He said quietly, now fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He wanted to sit down and have a conversation, but he was certain she would shoo him away. He made a few steps towards the boy's staircase, seeing if she would try to stop him. If she didn't, he would go on up to bed.
She watched him edge away, absently chewing at her lower lip. She glanced down, staring at the floor. "James," she said suddenly. "Look... maybe I was..." she trailed off, searching her vocabulary for a good word."Harsh earlier. Too harsh. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything." Lily mentally added an array of other comments, some including 'I'm scared about the fact I keep finding myself wanting to kiss you again' and 'I wish you wouldn't look at me like that'. Her pride kept her from saying any of it, though. She let her words hang in the air, glancing at him out of the corners of her eyes to study his reaction.
James rested one hand on the banister to the boy's dormitory. He let her words soak in a moment before responding.
"It's okay…I mean, you don't have to be apologizing. Its how you feel and you can't exactly change that…" James responded, he took a breath, and then added, "As much as I wish you could."
He slid his hand off the banister, and slowly stepped towards Lily's chair until he was in reaching distance to her, close enough to brush the softness of her cheek, or the sleekness of her hair, as he so desperately wanted to. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he quietly said,
"So you don't have to apologize."
Lily didn't look up, but she could hear him grow closer. Her breath caught in her chest, and she clutched her knees a bit closer to her chest, fighting away the blush that wanted to rise to her cheeks as he neared, and keeping herself from throwing her arms around him or something equally uncouth. Keeping her eyes firmly on the hearth, she could just see him approach and stick his hands in his pockets. She thought that, perhaps, she could even hear him breathing. It was maddening. She wanted to pounce and push him away all at once. "That look you gave me earlier certainly said different." she observed.
"Look?" James asked, sitting down in the nearest chair. He felt it safe that she wouldn't attack him with harsh words this moment. He stared directly at her, despite that she was inventively watching the fire. Willing her to cross the path of eye contact, hoping that somehow a spark would be born that would change her heart in some way.
"You looked like I'd just... I don't know, told you your mother was dead or something." she glanced up out of pure habit, and there was indeed a spark. She quickly glanced back down, tucking some hair behind her ear. This was excruciatingly awkward. The young woman was anxious, and she was slowly losing the battle of hiding it. "It made me feel really bad, I'll have you know."
"Oh…I wasn't trying to. I just…I don't know, don't think I'm trying to make you pity me or something, because I'm not. I just…care about you, that's all." James said leaning forward so that his elbows rested on his knees. He stretched his hands to where his fingertips were touching, and held that pose looking at the ground. Why had he all the sudden recently been one to spill his heart out to Lily? It was scary, because the wall that had been protecting him so to speak for so many years, had been broken down in the closet, and he now felt quite vulnerable.
"I know." she said with a sigh. She looked up and stared at the boy for a few moments, eyes trailing over his features and posture. She frowned. "Fabulous." she said stiffly. "I've made it worse." Unfurling her legs, she decided this was a bad idea. She needed to get away from him before she did something stupid and rash like she had in that bloody closet. Standing up, she tossed those characteristic red locks over her shoulders, straightening herself to look as official as was possible in pajamas. "I'm going to bed." she announced.
James stood up as she stood up. He knew that he had made a big deal over 'if this is how she feels, then there's nothing I can do about that,' but how could she deny that there wasn't something between them? That there wasn't something there?
"Lily…" James said, sternly, but his voice softened as he spoke the words "Do you really want to go?"
This question was not simply proposing of her going to bed, it was asking her whether she once again wanted to walk away from him, leaving him bruised and broken in her dust.
She recoiled a bit, startled by this question. "No." she said softly, looking him in the eyes, before looking to her feet. It had just slipped out, really. She hadn't intended on letting him know that little fact. The girl began fussing with her hair again. It was a nervous habit, a release of sorts, to mess with her hair when under extreme stress. It was true. She didn't really want to leave. Deep in her heart, she wanted to fall into his arms and sleep with her head comfortably on his chest again. "But I can't." Lily continued, voice sounding almost weak and strained.
"Yes you can Lily." James said softly stepping towards her. He reached one hand up, and held her cheek in his palm, gently brushing her petite jaw line with his thumb.
"What do we have to lose?" He asked, letting his hand drop back at his side. The look in his eyes was more than just a longing, but a need. A need to be close to her, a need to hold her in his arms, a need to protect her. A need to give her the love that she needed, and so desperately wanted.
She felt that cold, empty feeling again when his hand left her cheek, and wanted to slap him for it. She gave a little shuddering sort of breath, before calming herself. "Everything." she said quietly. She trembled a bit, emotion coursing through her body. One that wasn't used to it. Composure was Lily's middle name, and she was losing it now.
James gazed at her, and he could tell she wanted to be with him just as much he wanted to be with her, but she had to admit it. He sighed deeply, and turned his back to her, walking towards the staircase. When she was ready to admit it, when she was ready to accept that "everything" was a small price to pay for love, then he would be there, waiting.
She watched him turn away, walk to the stairs. She very nearly ran to him to grab his hand and yell at him for just walking away like that, but she didn't. Instead, Lily got one of her first real doses of heartbreak from him. A sharp stab in her chest that proceeded to ache dully. In typical Lily fashion, she didn't allow such unhappy emotions to reach her face. Instead, she straightened up. "Goodnight, James." she said coldly, before walking up her own set of stairs and heading to bed without another word to him.
James didn't turn to see her walk away, he couldn't. He simply closed his eyes tightly as she wished him a goodnight, as if it physically pained him to hear her say that and he was bracing himself. He listened as her soft steps ventured up the stairs into the girls dormitory, until she was gone.
James sighed heavily, as he slowly heaved himself up the stairs. Lily was beginning to make him weary. He was physically tired from dealing with pang after pang of heartache, and he didn't know how much more he could take.
Once upstairs, he quietly crawled into his bed, not bothering to change into his pajamas. He closed the curtains around his bed, so that he was engulfed in darkness. As he lay there, he couldn't even think. All he could do was listen to the steady breathing of his roommates, and hope that he would eventually fall asleep.
Lily lay awake for what seemed like several hours, before finally dozing back off. She slept restlessly, and awoke tired the next morning, much later than usual. It was like a song she'd heard, she mused. How did it go? Oh yes. 'It wears her out, wears her out, wears her out'. If this was love -- which didn't exist, by the way -- she wasn't sure she wanted anything to do with it.